2016

At the start of the month I celebrated my 45th birthday and it gave me cause to reflect. The past decade has been a nightmare. From 2005 until this year has been the darkest period of my life but now that is close to passing- almost past. For this reason it is important for me to look back at 2016 as it was the best year of my life for quite some time. I feel like I am almost there. 2015 ended with some hope for the first time since starting the blog and I have been able to build on that this year to the point that I am close, I feel, to normality. In fact the only doubt left lies in the places I have yet to go and things I have yet to do.

I won't harp on too long as the things I did over 2016 all appear here in various blog posts. Its been great and I hope if anything else it serves as a reminder to anyone in this situation that like adrenaline this anxiety state does not last for ever. I did actually think about winding the blog up now that I am near the end of the journey but if it does help anyone who may stumble upon it then its worth leaving. I remember at my worst I used to go on to anxiety forums and read about success stories just to stop me getting too down.

The highlight for me this year was the holiday up north which was really enjoyable but also great for all of the family. I hope for more of those. Each year around this time I usually post about being left behind for Christmas alone while the family goes up north but this year I was able to go with them for 4 days and while up there we visited a few different places. It was good. Good just to sit down to a cooked dinner at a table for a meal with family. Good to climb a hill (Kinnoull Hill pictured above) and see the views from on high and lots of other things. Just good.

Looking ahead to 2017 I think my blogging which has already slowed with become even less frequent. At least that is the hope because this is a blog about anxiety disorder and if I am blogging a lot then it means I am going backward. But my hope is for better times ahead. I hope in a year's time to be writing a new post in which I am fully recovered and hopefully in employment. 2017 is the year I really need to get back into work. Its disappointing that I am not been able to find a way to support myself as I have seen many others do but I cannot seem to find my calling. With that then I must take what I can and that is what I plan to do. Its scary from the point of view of being in a place for at least 8 hours a day not knowing if I can cope and maybe having to put up with panic again but the only way I will know is to do it. 2017 will be the year I hope to be back to proper normality with all the trappings and benefits.

Anyway all that is left is to wish everyone a happy new year and I hope 2017 is a good year for you all.

All the best

Rab

Priory

As I reach out further and for longer I am finding instances where I panic occurring less and less which is obviously a good sign as long as I am not avoiding things irrationally. Another indication that I have turned a corner is the lack of internal questioning every time I go somewhere new or do something different. It can still happen but less so. Probably though the biggest sign is that mostly when the questioning does start I am more inclined to accept than decline. I know the bad patterns which stem from reluctance and avoidance and its therefore important that I try not to shy away if I can help it.

There are times though when it does feel a bit overwhelming and I decided its better not to. In these times though I feel consumed by my own disappointment and mostly return to it with a plan of action at some point. The ferry crossing this year to Millport for example was something I declined at the first time of asking. Sometimes I just need to get my head clear and build my confidence first. I guess I need a backplan at the very least which is why anything where I cannot get out of quickly soon gives rise to panic and reluctance.

And so it was I found myself in this position earlier in the month. Of late I have been pushing myself out longer when going out for my daily walk and trying to find new places to go to or a variation on old haunts. One of these places was the ruins of an old priory which are believed to be around 700 years old. The priory sat on the edge of the River Clyde directly opposite Bothwell Castle- local legend suggests there is a hidden tunnel linking the two. I actually mentioned this only briefly 2 and a half years ago when I had only heard of the ruins without knowing where they were exactly or in what state they were in. Since then I had actually made it down there 4 or 5 times. I actually thought I had wrote about it here but I cannot find a reference to it. Too much media I suppose. I must have posted that on Twitter (long since abandoned), Facebook, Instagram or something else- I lose track. Anyway I'd been down a few times but there is not a lot left to see as illustrated above. That didn't stop me going back down though on my way to somewhere else. I should say I have seen old photos of the priory from over 100 years ago when there was a structure there and it stood out on its own. Today the little ruins that are left have been swallowed by the woodland in densely packed trees and branches making it a less than inviting place to go- more than once.

So I returned down there again on my way to somewhere else for no other reason than the fact I was passing something ancient that I don't see often and so should have a look. It was only a brief look and no need to get the camera out so I just stood for a minute staring at this old ruin of a wall when I was aware of movement in the corner of my eye. It was a guy with a bike shuffling his way down leafy slope. He had a big grin on his face: have you seen the carvings? I hadn't. I had in fact forgotten all about them. I remember when I first read about the mysterious ancient religious carvings at the old priory it immediately caught my attention. The wonder though waned slightly when I later discovered they were not that magical at all and not ancient but instead the work of a local man in the 1950s. Still though worth a look. Although I knew they were down there I had never found them and I had also read the path to them was a little dangerous. It therefore faded from my mind until this man appeared with a bike asking me about them.

What I thought was a plea was actually an invite. This lovely enthusiastic man started to tell me how he liked to cycle places and had by chance found out about these carvings on the Internet so had gone to look for them. It had taken him a number of times visiting the area to firstly find the priory and then another few visits more to finally find the carvings. Did I want to see them? It would be worth it, he said. Well of course I did so I followed him. The path went steeply down and I was struggling with my footing. He was too. I reckon he was in his 60s but with the energy and drive of someone a third of his age. Where a slip made me pause he gathered more momentum as he hopped and slid and jumped from side to side up and over. At the bottom of the slope I was starting to feel out of my comfort zone. I could feel panic rising. At this point he stopped and pointed to where we had to go down further, then across and then climb up a slope. Panic on the rise and with it my breathing starting to feel more shallow. This is where doubt occurs. This is where the internal questions increase and the volume of them increases to the point that it can get too loud to continue. As he spoke I found I was looking for a way out. I lied. I had to go as my wife was waiting for me. He looked disappointed that his enthusiasm and wish to show me something worthwhile had been cut short too early. I also could not risk a fall as I'd already fallen that day and dirtied my clothes. That part was not a lie. That morning after taking the kids to school I came home through the woods and saw deer and as I tried to take a photo of them I slipped down some wooden stairs into mud. I felt bad about lying to this guy who was doing me a good turn. Even now I wish I had been honest and just explained the situation. At the time though I just wanted a way out and not to face the panic. So I left and that was that.

The disappointment was never going to leave me alone and that was at least one good thing. I had thanked the guy for showing me the way so I had a mental map at least. That and the desire to rid myself of my own self loathing ensured that it was days rather than weeks before I returned and found the carvings. It wasn't easy. I am not just saying that from an anxiety view point but its something a lot of people would find difficult and more so alone. Panic did rise and finally did fall but its not something I will be repeating in a hurry. I think what got me through was knowing that the man who carved them beautiful works of art (stations of the cross) did this climb every day. I don't know the whole story but do know he distanced himself from the work if anyone passed my while he worked. It must have been a labour of love for him. And because of where they are situated it is probably why they are in such good condition today. Long may that remain the case. For me it was another lesson. Its still early days. The thing I must always remember though is not to beat myself up if I cannot do something first time and instead use that disappointment to wisely plan a new attempt. It felt worthwhile. Now to find something else to climb.

Highland getaway

It was six in the morning and silent but I was wide awake having woken and been unable to get back to sleep. Herein starts the snowball of negative thinking. A snowball: I am two hundred miles from home. There it starts. A holiday, I can't handle it, we have to go home, I've ruined it for everyone and so on and on and on some more. That is how my mind goes. To prevent that I usually get up and go into another room and even though that does not stop the level of anxiety from rising it does give me a little escape from the chatter. And these thoughts I see now are unresolved issues. These are the issues above ground waiting for me while I stand with my head in the sand and they loom when I come up for air. But at that time in the morning with nowhere to go to I had to just put up with it much as I had to do for most of the time I was in bed on that first overnight from home over a year ago. Eventually it calmed. It always does and I am pleased to say that when it did it never returned. I think I managed to accept it. I managed to accept that they were only thoughts and I was in no harm and all the bad things I thought would happen were not going to happen and if they did then it didn't really matter anyway. I accepted and it passed. Its all part of recovering. It is required. In order to get back into live I must go through these things and see they are harmless and on the whole untrue.

After our long weekend away in the summer, which was our first "family holiday" for the five of us, our intention was to try to get away again before the end of the year. This time we wanted to try to make it a little further. With the kids off for a week's holiday in October my wife and I decided it would be good to go up north. As her parents live in Perth, an hour drive North, it would be good to have an overnight there before a couple of nights further North and then Perth overnight on the way back. That would cover 4 nights so that was the plan. Inverness is known as the gateway to the Highlands so that was our planned desination. There are lots of places to stay there and as a base it would be perfect for some of the places we wanted to go. But this is us. Those unresolved issues I talked of stem from a lack of motivation when things need done. It happens with so many things. Its the reason why we are probably entitled to a PPI refund but while everyone else puts in claims we have sat for years talking about it and doing nothing. And so it was no surprise when my wife decided to book somewhere up north just before the start of the holidays that I heard disappointment after disappointment. Everywhere was booked. She tried other surrounding areas and all booked up too. The thing is its hard to get rooms as a party of five. In some of the Holiday Inns for example there were vacant rooms for four people which was fine with as as the boy could sleep between us but they would not allow it. An odd number and leaving it to the last minute meant after two hours of phonecalls our plans were up in the air.

Maybe it was fate though. If a room had been found or we had been allowed to occupy a room for four then the holiday week would have been very different. My wife had one last round of calls and after half an hour there was a bit of excitement. For me less so. I knew if something was found there would be no compromise and most likely something harder. I was right. When I heard my wife in the kitchen say to someone on the phone she would have to put them on hold and then I heard her come through to the living room I knew it was something I would not be particularly keen on. She could not find 2 nights in a hotel in Inverness but she had been offered 4 nights in a lodge in Invergordon. Was that OK? There were of course two sides to the offer. On one hand there was dread and on the other there was disappointment in four faces. It was either this or basically no holiday. I had to look at the maps as I had no idea where Invergordon lay. Jeez. Another bridge and further north- about 45 minutes more after Inverness. I really did not fancy it one bit but all I could see was a week of sitting in doors and the kid bored. How many times had they been away during a school break? Another break stuck at home. I couldn't say no even though every ounce of me screamed it. I have been doing well of late but 200 miles from home and away for 6 nights in total was really pushing me way past my comfort zone.

So that is how I got to lying in the dark at six in the morning two hundred miles from home. I was lying in bed with panic rising and all these negative thoughts. Aside from the fear of having to go 200 miles home in pani and the family missing out on most of the holiday we paid for I was wrestling with the strong feeling that I could in one stupid move undo everything. In my head I saw the panic and the long drive home and the continued panic at home followed by the reluctance to go out and the cycle starting all over again. That is the scariest part. I have lost a decade at least and I cannot return to the beginning again. In the dark with only the mind for company its hard to reason. The point is though, and that is where I have been going wrong, you don't need to reason. You have to accept it. You have to accept its a catastrophic thought rather than a certainty. And if the importance is lost then the fear generally dies. And it did. I have no idea how long I stayed awake that first morning but I did finally get back to sleep and it was a lot more sleep than that first overnight over a year ago. And although we planned to get up early each day what woke me up was something the week before I would have thought a joke: a rutting stag outside.

What filled me with dread turned into a fantastic holiday for the five of us. We travelled to Perth on the Saturday for an overnight and then up to Invergordon on Monday night where we stayed until Friday morning and back to Perth again. Our accomodation was great. We needed only the basics but the little lodge felt homely. There was constant heating and a veranda with a patio which I am sure is great in the summer. Outside there were deer, donkeys and Norwegian horses as well as a goose. The location was right off the beaten track and so it was dark and silent at night but for the animals. The park also has its only little loch with a little row boat on it. It was too cold to go out but it was a nice touch as the deal is if you walk by reception and there are oars outside you can taken them with you and bring them back later. We were also very lucky indeed with the weather as it remained mostly dry the majority of the time and on a couple of days it could have passed for summer. It didn't feel like winter was on its way.

As I said above the idea was to use our accommodation for a base and that is what we did. We had not strayed too far from Inverness that we could not carry out he plans we had originally. Mostly these were going to a seaside town with the same name as my son as he has always wanted to go there (his name has nothing to do with the town as it happens) and also to go dolphin watching at the most popular spot to see bottle-nosed dolphins in Britain. We did this and more really packing in as much as we could into the time we had. And we were so lucky. When we left we had still lots more things we wanted to do so will return and if we had only been there two nights then we would have missed out on a lot of what we did see. So we will return again and if nothing more Inverness itself is the focal point for the "North Coast 500" which is something I really want to do one do or at least in stages over time.

All in all it was a great break away and most importantly the kids loved it. Its a good sign that they did not want to come home and that was genuine. Although the lodges are in the sticks the site has a small bar which was very reasonable for meals giving healthy portions. We ate there two nights and the kids were full up both times then played pool afterward. We managed to visit the Black Isle which is not black and not an isle but lovely all the same. We even went to Culloden which is interesting from a historical point of view but I think it could do with a bit of upgrading. Too many places to mention really so I won't and instead finish with some photos instead. Even when the holiday was over we tried to extend it. Coming home we drove down the west side of Loch Ness (opposite side to going) and stopped at Urquhart Castle while the kids kept their eyes to the water on Nessie watch. And before arriving back in Perth we stopped off at Pitlochry which was busy and rather nice on another nice day. Originally we had also wanted to include "The Enchanted Forest" in our itinerary but that sold out quicker than our slow minds could cope with- next year for sure.

I will say though that if you can give your child a moment that brings a tear to their eye then its all worth it and although we hoped for that moment it was always going to be down to chance. One night we went to Chanonry Point on the Moray Firth to look for dolphins. The signs were not good. There were not a lot of people there and they looked disinterested. We hung around for about 20 minutes and then went for a walk up the coastline and back before heading back. It was disappointing. We saw one seal in the distance close to Fort George over the other side. My oldest has loved dolphins for a very long time but has no desire to see them in captivity so this was going to be her best chance of seeing one but not to be. We assured her we would return and we did but before that I did a search on the best time to have a chance of seeing them. It turns out that was high tide. My wife was they able to check the tidal times and we planned our visit to coincide with high tide. This second visit was completely different aside from the fact it was a beatiful warm day. We park the car and as we made our way to the shore we could see a hell of a lot more people. That was not the only thing. Several people were standing with cameras attache with massive zoom lenses on tripods. A good sign. But an even better sign I noted was at least 8 seals bobbing about in different areas. For me this meant there were fish and if there were fish bringing the seals in then there was a chance of dolphins too. And as I was thinking this I was making my way to was the shore quicker and setting up my camera when the shout went out: "dolphin!". For all the people on the beach it was my daughter who shouted and pointed and then had everyone following her finger. I didn't look but she said later that is when she felt the emotion take over and the tear roll. I just saw it and no more. We saw it briefly again a couple of times after but it was heading out on its own disappearing. I did not get a photo but that's OK. I would have loved one but how much I would have loved one of my daughter pointing and the dolphin in the background- would have been some miracle given she was behind me. But it doesn't matter. She has a picture in her head and that will live forever. In my own I had hoped it would be close enough that she could almost touch it but it was not and really it did not matter. She had her moment and that made the holiday worth it. And on top of that I think it would have left an emptiness if we had left and not seen a dolphin as she has been talking about it for years.

A good holiday then and hopefully more to come. That one early morning panic was the only difficult time I had the whole time we were away. Its another step in the right direction and if nothing else at least now I am able to be there for memories my kids will carry with them into later life. My mind has been racing since coming home as always but this time with more positive thoughts. I have been considering more places to go and hope that is something we can do as a family. Also though I have been considering work. I am almost there. Not quite yet but nearing it. I feel if I can get working and earning a wage then we can finally move on and put all this behind us. And as bad as its been there is also an upside and that is that we appreciate everything that we would otherwise possibly have taken for granted. All these things are new and that is exciting. After so long stuck in negativity I am looking forward to some better days ahead.

Glasgow

In 2013 I set out to travel by train again. It was a long journey. Before I could even think about getting on a train I had to manage to get to the train station and at the time barely get halfway before having to return home. When I started I had very little confidence on ever getting on a train again. In  2013 I set out steps which got me as far as being at the train station but at the time I felt too much fear to get on a train so effectively gave up. Maybe I was putting too much pressure on myself. Last year I finally got on a train and done the shortest journey possible. After that I did manage a little longer but not much.

Over the following months I did some more journeys but they were never easy and led to me stopping yet again. A year ago I posted about some journeys I did and that was about that. The furthest I got was Rutherglen but it was filled with panic and really put me off doing it again. In the past year I've had a couple of short train journeys but nothing of note. This week I decided I had to get on it again and try to get to Glasgow- long term. I did not plan on going to Glasgow this week but it turned out that way. In fact I went there twice.

I build these things up in my head. My wife and I headed off around 10:00 on Wednesday to get on the train. The plan was to go to Rutherglen. The route is Newton-Cambuslang-Rutherglen-Dalmarnock-Bridgeton-Glasgow Argyle Street-Glasgow Central. When we got to the station I decided it might be worth just getting tickets for Glasgow. No harm. So we did but I was determined to get off at Rutherglen and given how much panic I had there last time even that was something I was not looking forward to.

The train was busier than I hoped. That got me started. It was stupid. I had spent hours in the car far from home on the day we went to Oban. Rutherglen is less than 10 miles away. But the panic just kept going. When we got to Rutherglen I was determined to get off. I felt it was too much to handle. I was shaking visibly and was sure I was going to be sick. I was trying to work out where to be sick. I was so sure I would be. It was better to get off and then if it happened it happened. But something stopped me. Something said something that people have been telling me for years: so what? So what if I am sick? So what if I am shaking? So what? I asked my wife how long until Glasgow. 7 minutes, she said. Its nothing really. I stayed on. And did anything bad happen? No. I got to Glasgow Central and my wife said if I needed to we could go straight back. I lingered. It took a long time. Walking through Glasgow remembering all the places I used to go I suddenly felt OK. I looked at time and it was 11:48. I then remembered the train had arrived at 10:18. 90 minutes exactly. That is how long it had taken to calm but calm it did.

The journey back was fine. We stayed in Glasgow long enough to pick up the kids from school on the way back. No anxiety. My wife had also bought a Halloween costume for the boy which turned out to be too small so yesterday we went back through to Glasgow again. No anxiety at all. This time we went on a very long walk by the Clyde taking in all the large buildings of different shapes and sizes. Again it was a lovely day. I feel now I have turned a corner with regards to train travel. The first 20-30 minutes is the worst part of anxiety. This journey covered that. A journey of longer should in theory be too long to end in panic and so not leave fear attached to the memory. That opens up all sorts of possibilities as it would be good to travel some places where my wife doesn't have to do the driving. It also means if there is ever anything wrong with the car or we don't have one then we are not tied to the home.

We were walking along the Clyde when a thought came to me. Its a while since I have looked at any of the genealogy I used to do. The oldest ancestor I could find lived at the quay on the Clyde and worked as Chief Engineer on Paddle Steamers which went back and forth between Glasgow and Liverpool. And it was in the Clyde he died after wash from another incoming steamer moved the plank he was boarding and put him in the water. I looked into the water wandering just where that might have happened. Then I thought back to how years ago I wanted to visit the places they lived. Their main address was Carrick Street. I got out Google Maps on my phone and to my astonishment it was right behind me. What are the chances? There are no buildings in that small street now but weird all the same. And as I walked up the Clyde with my wife I started to wonder if things happen for a reason. We passed the STV buildings, the BBC buildings, the Armadillo, SECC and the Hydro among other things. Then over the water was the Science Centre and berthed in front of it was a paddle steamer- The Waverley. As I said in my last post its my wish to get on that old steamer again at some point so maybe it is a sign.

The Crossing

In order to fully recover there must be nothing left that I say no to- within reason of course. I'll stop at a plane because even before my problems I hated air travel and still do and have no desire to get pinged across the world in a big tin can. I've been abroad a few times on planes but also without planes so the latter suits me. Still that is a long way off. I have to conquer Scotland, then England, then the UK and finally Europe. That is the long term plan anyway. For now though its a case of taking the things I fear and tackling them.

I post back in April about us being in Largs and my wife suggesting we take the ferry to Millport. The ferry I was OK with but the bus ride on the other side I was not. It is strange when you think about it. I could go an hour in the car but not 20 minutes, at most, on the bus. And while that fear remains it holds me back. Back in April I said no. Last week I convinced myself to do it. I was thinking a couple of months down the line when I said it to my wife but she said: why not this weekend? And why not indeed? So we did.

It says a lot that the hour drive is just taken for granted now. That is a good sign. I did not even think twice about the drive to Largs and even when we got there there was no fear. As it happened we parked and walked to the ferry terminal to find it about to leave. My wife quickly went in and bought tickets and we boarded. All good. Well sort of. I was leaving land for the first time in a long time and because I had no need to get on the water in over a decade I forgot how the rocking of waves affects my balance. Over the years I think my ear problems have gotten worse but its not been a problem. Walking on the ferry there was movement and suddenly my head was swimming. Its not a nice feeling. And that was enough to kick off panic for the first time in a while. There was no way back. My mind suggested I would spend the short joruney disoriented and being sick and lying on the floor. Catastrophising. That didn't happen. In fact the panic died down and although I had some more waves of light headedness with the movement of the ferry it was fairly calm. I should also point out here that when we came home there was none of that whatsoever so there is a good chance tension and all the rest from anxiety was a big factor. But it does remind me if I am ever to go on a cross channel sail I will have to go to the GP to get my ear problems checked out because there is a definite effect there even from turning my head quickly as there has been going right back to before 2000 when it started in Spain from an ear infection.

So we crossed and it was great in truth after the initial fears. The boy loved it as its the first time he can remember being on a ferry. There cannot be too many shorter ferry crossings in the UK I would guess so that was good but I feel if it had been longer I would have coped as I was calm after getting the anticipatory anxiety out of the way. But that was the part I was not worried about. We were on mull and there sat the bus which in my head would be a struggle. In my head that was an empty bus with my head in hands just getting it over with. We stood at the back of a queue seeing the bus was already full and people were already having to stand as they got on. Like buses they say. A big old second dose of panic. This was proper panic. I did not want to get on that bus and I was starting to shake. I told my wife I didn't want to do it. She didn't know what to do. What could we do? Well I had to just do it. If I didn't then my family would have to wait for another. So I just did it and for the most part its the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. The bus appeared to lack suspension. I was holding on to bars with a bag over my shoulder pressed up against someone with another pressed behind me and thrown back and forth at every turn in the road. Even if I wanted off I could not get off. My son thought it was great but the girls less so. I was just glad to get off when we reached the end of our journey.

I had built it up so much that it was always going a panic fest and it was. Like the ferry the trip back by bus was totally fine. I see now just how important these things are. I have put them off for so long because I know what I am going to get each time and I do get it each time and its not nice but long term its the only way to get passed it. And I did get passed it. It is quite unbelievable that in October in Scotland people were able to walk about in t-shirts. It was just like a summer day. We were so lucky. If we had gone to Millport on the day we went to Oban then it would have been a different tale but we didn't. I really enjoyed it from that point on. We did a fair bit of walking and had a spot of lunch in the cafe. Lovely day. The ferry also goes further afield. At some point we will go further and hopefully get back on the Paddle Steamer "The Waverly" again- really want to do that. Winter is upon us but plenty of time over the cold season to plan ahead for the sunnier days and all these trips are making that possible. I am hoping that at the very latest this time next year these trips are taken as proper holidays and that I am in employment. Its too soon at the moment while I have some issues to iron out but its not far away at all if all keeps going as it has been.

Oban

One of the earliest posts I made on this blog, 7 years ago, was about a time my wife and I got stranded up North when our car broke down and we ended up having to spend some time in Oban- the post was about a little island named Kerrera and can be read here. It was before we were married and despite being forced to stay there we had always said we would go back one day. So we did. Its more than 13 years since we were last there and quite a distance. My youngest daughter went away with her friend for the weekend to Blackpool so my wife decided to make a weekend of it so the other two would not miss out. So she booked a family room at a Premier Inn in Dumbarton to break up the journey.

It rained the whole time we were there but we did not allow that to dampen our spirits. It meant though there was no a lot to do except look at the views. We had lunch in a little cafe. The one we had been in all those years ago to heat up with soup and bread was gone so we chose another which was nice enough. To be honest it was not a long stay. If we'd been able to stay there then we could have done more but knowing we had to get back to Dumbarton with the rain not giving up and with a couple of other things to do before that we had to leave. The bad weather was not the only coincidence we found when we left. All those years ago a road was blocked by a fallen tree and so we were forced on a detour. Driving back to Dumbarton we came around a corner just before Loch Awe to find a policeman there. Even before he approached we knew what was coming. The road was closed. Instead my wife would have to take a detour of over 100 miles back through Oban and down the West before crossing over again. Unsurprisingly my wife was shattered by the end of it. It was all in the dark and rain. Sunny spells brought out beautiful rainbows but the majority was gloomy. We arrived at the hotel just in time to catch the kitchen before it shut. The kids were starving. From there it was to bed.

September in Scotland. We should expect that kind of weather. Of course. The next day though was a complete contrast. It was beautiful. On the road back from Oban we had planned two things. I wanted to stop off at Loch Awe and walk to Kilchurn Castle. We were not able to do that and it was too far to do the following day. We had also planned to go to Balloch and Luss- the latter where Scottish TV show "High Road" was filmed and a place we had last been when the girls were young. That we could do as it was not too far. It was a good end to the weekend. Its a beautiful part of the country to visit. The photos don't do it justice. All in all a good weekend. They just keep getting better each time.

Eighty

Prior to my continuing journey towards recovery a birthday in 2006 stuck in my mind. It was my mother-in-law's 70th birthday in August 2006 and the party was in Perth. We all had a great night but by that time I was having a real hard time being away from home and just walking any kind of distance. It was remembered as a false dawn. At the end of the party which was at my inlaws home there was a family friend in a wheelchair who I pushed home. That for me was a big breakthrough because as I said I was having trouble outdoors. The month before I had been in Manchester which still remains the last time I was out of Scotland. And while there I stayed indoors at my sister-in-laws. Even when her husband offered me his car keys to go to the shops I refused because the half mile journey was too much in my head. Anyway pushing a wheelchair for a mile seemed a turning point. We'd had alcohol at the party and to me that meant it was all in my head. The drink soothed my worry and allowed me to walk freely. Simple. But as it turned out at that point it was the last time I would be in Perth for 9 years and in fact from that day it was a long time before I even left my town again.

Ten years on it was time for another landmark celebration and this time an 80th birthday of course. This time last year it would have been a no go for me even though this time it was only a few miles away. My wife and her sisters had arranged for the party to be held at a hotel and for all parties to stay there. It was close enough that I could actually walk home if I needed to but thankfully that was not the case. I have to say I was taken back by the rooms. It cost us less for a family room that it would have done at a Holiday Inn or one of those types and yet the room was beautiful. It turns out they have two outbuildings aside from rooms in the hotel and we were in one of those which turned out to be great because we were well away from any late night noise and also on the ground floor. The only downside was that we did not spend a lot of time in it. Its a hotel named the Avonbridge Hotel and a grand little hotel it is too. It is the little sister of the much bigger Bothwell Bridge Hotel which is in the same style. It was a nice surprise and I am sure at some point we will be back at one of them.

I went for a long walk when we arrived as the hotel is situated close to Chatelherault Country Park meaning I could walk through the woods for as long as I cared to do so. Another good thing about the hotel is it was a sort of return as we once had a meal there so a lot of memories came back. Actually not a great memory as the meal I had years ago had a head staring up at me and so I could not eat it- no idea what it was but it was like a big insect. The party itself went well and the highlight, I felt, of the gifts was a canvas of the grandparents with all their grandchildren taken in the back garden. It was actually me who took the photo on my last visit up there. It was a good night and a good catch up. The following day everyone went to Chatelherault where the kids played in the park before a spot of lunch at the museum. Its been a very long time since everyone was together and hopefully it won't be the last.