Stasis

The start of the long cold cloudy summer starts with the end of school and a home full of noisy kids bouncing off the walls with boredom. Like caged animals the few days of sun that brought promise are a distant memory keeping the kids in doors.  Another dreary summer looms ahead by the looks of things. The only break in play comes this week when family go down South for an outdoor wedding for a few days something I am unable to attend even if it was something I wanted to- probably not as I am not a fan of weddings.

So its a slowing down of all things and unfortunately the walks too. I have managed to get to the nursery and in for the past 4 weeks and now that stops dead. In fact going near the school and nursery stops for the whole holidays as its in a cul de sac and walking up the gates when its shut might just look a bit weird even by my standards. Its a kind of two month stasis which most people would welcome but my fear is that it will be a loss of ground and difficult to pick back up again. I feel in a limbo of some sort.

Maybe though its also an opportunity to do new things. That was almost knocked on the head with yet more problems with the car but this problem I managed to work around. The mechanic is too busy to look at it for a while so I have been lucky to find a stop gap solution. We got the car back "fixed" from his last jaunt away and in the morning the battery was dead. So after countless times getting a jump start only to find it dead the next day I finally found it was a loose wire behind the dashboard. Not something I have the skills or tools to fix and not something I want to dabble with. What is happening is the full beam is coming on by itself and draining the battery. Easy to see at night but with these long days of daylight and the car parked around the back it was only a chance discovery. Anyway after some brainstorming I located the fuses for this part of the lights and removed them. Its done the trick and for now will do as the car is not used in the dark- even at that the full beam would not be needed. So a little pride in that.

It opens up the opportunity to go places or at least try. My wife still works on which is a benefit to me being able to look after the kids now without that overwhelming anxiety it used to cause- a good sign. But every second week she works late so that gives us the chance during the day to go somewhere- weather permitting. I really do not know what the summer will bring but its probably best not to know and just let it be whatever it is and try to make the most of it.

Paradise

We went by car to pick up the boy and unlike the day before it was not panic from start to finish. It was OK, I wasn't looking for it. And I went in an we took him out. Then a drive and my wife tried somewhere different. Somewhere off the beaten track. So we arrived- not far. And we sat. The sun was shining and a path led somewhere. So we went and we followed and just as I was about to turn back feeling the the pull of agoraphobia strongly to scurry home I saw water. I had to go on. And from this concrete jungle had sprouted a hidden paradise. Beautiful. Different.

Until that moment I had never seen a dragonfly and for whatever reason wanted to see one. Maybe the photography bug. Suddenly I was amid hundreds of them. Like blue turquoise sticks with wings. Tool loads of photos, for once had the camera with me, and managed to get a decent shot of one of the little winged beasties among all the blurry attempts.

It felt like I was somewhere else, somewhere better. A nice end to an eventful week. I want to go back again.

Tea for four

Little things matter. Well they do to me. Every little thing new is an ounce of hope where there was none before. If only there was not such a trade off. The fatigue is crushing at times- really hard to cope with. And this fatigue and my inability to cope with it brings panic where there was none.

As I said previously it was a big thing for me yesterday going into the nursery. Such a small thing for others magnified by how small and confined my world has become over the years. But it shattered me after. This though I was determined not to let win and so I pushed on. As I have been doing of late on top of the other walks I went into the Sport Centre and got the boy ready for swimming. For the first time I returned to get him out of the pool, dried and ready. Something my wife really appreciated as usually its her on her own having to do it for three children. So I hope to repeat it every week to give her a bit of a breather.

Today I had no energy at all but I pushed myself out regardless as I have learned the important thing is not to do X number of miles but to make the effort to do what you can. Many times in the past I would have just not gone because I could not make it far- or so I felt. But what I have also learned is that usually this fatigue lifts when I got out the door. Not right away but during the walk. This I think is the anticipatory anxiety. The apprehension over going out and not getting far weighing down the fatigue. The worry in those early steps of having to turn back. Then as the steps gather the apprehension eases off. But still all that anxiety and the fatigue it generates comes crashing in.

This morning I did not get into the nursery again but did get to the school gates and afterward on the way home decided to go for a cuppa with my wife and her friend and her friend;s little boy. And I bought the drinks and we sat until we finished and it was OK. No anxiety at all. Then another woman arrived and it was our cue to leave. No rushing away. A good "achievement" in my mind. Another time out. An hour from leaving until getting home. But again when I got in the fatigue came crashing in and I lay on the sofa fighting sleep. A body to tired to stay awake and a racing mind to awake to sleep. A friction of wills. Not helped by a letter from the DWP saying they are now dealing with my appeal but from reading the letter I do not hold out much hope without the GP's letter which he will not write until asked and they have made it clear they are not going to ask.

Thankfully when it came time to pick up the boy my wife suggested the car. This was a good thing. The fatigue was so heavy I knew it would be a struggle to walk there. But even that blessing was not enough when out of the blue I was consumed by panic. And it continued until we were ready to go and before going out I want to say: I can't go. I went. In the car several times I wanted to stop the car and flee but I stayed. I had it in my mind that I must wait until the panic passed and not before. At the nursery though I could not get out the car and on top of that I was already planning to walk home because I could not stand the wait. I did wait and finally we drove off with the boy and then the panic subsided. Not good. What I should have done was waited until the panic subsided then leave instead of once again re-enforcing the mistaken belief that I had to leave for the panic to die down. After that we drove a few miles more here there and everywhere.

It taught me though a lesson. It was a reminder. Standing in the nursery for the first time, sitting in a cubicle drying my son for the first time and sitting in a cafe drinking tea with two others. All things I would not have imagined at the start of the year. But they were all possible for one reason: I did not panic. It is here I must see the difference. It is in not seeing this difference that I got caught out so badly today with the panic. It is the reason why I have not done CBT for a good few weeks now. There is only one achievement worth talking about and one that is life changing which I have still not been able to do and that is to sit somewhere outside with panic and stay in the situation until it passes. If I panicked in any of those 3 scenarios I would have left. So the difference of late is not that I am coping better or things are getting better but just that I have been experiencing less panic. I now understand why the CBT says you need to experience it to recover. It is important and this is what I must work harder on.

That said it is still nice to be able to sit and have a cuppa and chat away from the same 4 walls. For that I am grateful.

Point 10

Finally I got there. On a whim. A few times I have been here (in the photo above). Outside the school and nursery with my legs already pointing home and cannot get there quick enough. Beautiful morning, a walk to school with my family in a t-shirt. Smiley faces. Everyone is happy. So much grey and rain and cold behind us. But I never left. I walked on and on and in and helped the boy change his footwear and then on into the main area of the nursery itself.

They all know and they don't know how to act. They acted with kindness. They made a big deal of it. I felt overwhelmed. Look, daddy's here. Well done daddy. People to my sides, behind me and in front of me. Totally overwhelmed. The gravity of the situation came flooding in. Struggling with the shakes and struggling to get more than a whisp of a breath. I stayed. It seemed like hours. It was maybe 2 minutes.

Then I left. Not the release of relief that it was over but the start of the real battle. Getting home. So far away in the distance. I'll never make it. I'll never make it at this pace. I want to break into a run but I can't run because I barely have enough energy to stand up straight and not the puff to jog. So I strolled and slowly it eased.

10 points in graduation that I always doubted. In 2011 and 2012 I thought I was doing well to get just over half way. Never thought for a minute at the start of this year I would get beyond it. In all this time up until a couple of hours ago I could not see me ever getting inside the nursery. Now I have. I should feel proud but it feels wrong to celebrate something so mundane. Now I am tired and don't want to have to do it again. Already its a memory. A memory but a good memory at least.