Long Weekend

Sometime at the start of the month my wife and I were walking to the school to pick up the kids when she talked about a short holiday offer she'd read about. Its a sign of the changing times that these things are even mentioned nowadays. Still though my initial thought was: no, no and no again. I mean I've been out overnight once and that was a year ago. Not only was it close to home but was a bit of a disaster as I got no sleep and felt ill after it. A break of more than a night was too soon. Three nights: no chance. But I jumped the gun. My wife put it another way. Although I'd be further from home I'd be near the sea which seems to calm me. Also it would be a caravan so I would not be as trapped as I would be in a hotel- especially if up a few floors. And the more she talked the more it appealed. Still though there is that little  protective voice which always tells me not to commit or I will regret it. £89 for a caravan for 3 nights. Lets do it? A family holiday of sorts.

I wish now I had written the introduction to this post before I left but I was not sure if I would go nor if I would stay and to be honest did not want to think about it. Now that its done I cannot relive how nervous anticipation and dread I felt. There was always going to be panic and there was but strangely not in the way I thought. We were booked into the Caravan Park from Friday (16:00) to Monday (10:00). The first and only panic came from 10:00 onward on the Monday. That is when we all woke. That is when we had a bad rush to get ready, together and out. And in the car as we left I struggled to keep the panic from blowing. But I did keep it down which is something.

On the Friday when we arrived I was calm and feeling no or little anxiety. Even on the journey to Ayrshire all the anticipatory anxiety had washed away. All the fears of whether I could or could not stay one night never mind three had vanished. Even when we arrived at 14:00 and only found out then that we could not get the keys until 16:00 I was fine. We used that time for a walk and a bit of exploring. We found there was a little footbridge over the railway from the park and straight to the beach. Not the kind of beach you would spend must time but enough for me to sit and watch the waves when I felt like it. That helped. Before we arrived I had visions in my head of getting dressed in the morning and going for a walk down there on my own before the kids got up. All had fallen into place.

All good except for the weather- typical Scotland. Friday was OK, Saturday was mixed and Sunday it rained it all day. So Sunday we did very little expect a small drive. Saturday though we spent most of the day at Largs which was good. We had been there in April but this time there was no rush. When it was nice it was nice but frequent showers spoiled things. And so did those bloody seagulls. My wife bought the kids food from the chip shop and they sat on a bench looking out to the sea and the sun was out and all was well in the world. I was taking photos when a scream made me look up in time to see a seagull fly off from the boy. Not only had it taken his sausage and given him a hell of a fright but left a big scratch down the side of his face. They were horrendous to be honest. Its the most aggressive I have seen seagulls fighting for any bit of food dropped. That though was a good day regardless. I did though chicken out of one thing which I regret now as its the first thing I have said no to in a while. I had agreed to go from there on the ferry to Millport which takes no more than 10 minutes. I was still up for that. But I thought that would be it. I thought we would go over, look about and then come back. It was when my wife mentions waiting about for a bus when over there and then taking it into the centre that I started to worry. I still have that problem with being trapped. I had to decline.

That failure though is only temporary. I have made a promise to myself I will do it and told my wife that. Before I can I need to start getting on longer journeys here by bus and/or train. I need to remove that fear here with repetitive exposure. That is something I plan to do. It makes no sense that I can go a 2 hour journey in the car but cannot do the 20 minute train journey.

Another step forward taken then. Unlike the hotel where I had 1 sleepness night I had 3 peaceful nights in the caravan with no trouble dropping off. I did not have that trapped feeling when I shut my eyes and nor did I have the restlessness that comes with it. Its a step and the next step will be somewhere further away. Or it may just be a step to doing this sort of thing regardless of where it is. Its the first proper family holiday since all 3 kids were born. And it might not have been much when I look at families going to Florida for 2 weeks or wherever else but there was a genuine excitement among the kids. I feel this one holiday was appreciated more than if they had been going abroad every year. That said the girls are off to Italy for a week in a couple of weeks time and given the choice I am sure which one they would prefer. Maybe some day...

Wind Power

I should apologise firstly for the large number of posts published at once going back to April. Its been a busy period and as such I have been keen to track what has been happening knowing if I don't a lot of things will get lost in a single post. That was the case in the latter part of last year and begining of this one. So I have been updating but problems with my old laptop have prevented me transferring the photographs I wanted to include in the post. The card reader is flakey and my machine is running so slow that editing is fast becoming too frustrating a process to put myself through. Finally all done on the photography front and so all posts published- mainly for my own reference to be honest.

We have been lucky on the West to Central Scotland to have had a run of really good weather allowing us to go places with the kids as I have covered in the past few posts. In the last couple of weeks though the weather has turned again. It was too good to be true. With the school holidays coming up the weather was always going to change.

The photo above is from a wind farm we took the kids to on Sunday just for something different to do and its free to get in. Whitelee Wind Farm is the largest on-shore farm in the UK and the second biggest in Europe. Indoors there is a small cafe and an area where the kids not only learn about renewable energy but they involve little games to keep them interested. That was great but in truth after 10-15 minutes the kids had seen it all. The farm itself consists of 215 huge turbines and its quite a site. There are pathways between them and the signs show what kind of wildlife can be seen from Merlins to Adders. It was out plan to have a long walk and see what we could see but it did not last very long. We were soaked and my good camera was getting soaked too so we had to turn back which was a shame but we will return another day.

The farm itself is located on Eaglesham Moor. This area is famous for a certain German who landed here during the war. Not that far from the farm is where Rudolph Hess landed by parachute. There was a memorial plaque of the event at one time but that was unfortunately vandalised and as far as I am aware there is no X to mark the spot anymore.

The turbines are eerie enough in themselves. We have all seen them from afar but up close its something else. There things are unbelievable to stand beneath and on a day like Sunday when it was really windy the noise they make sends shivers up the spine. A mist is not a stranger to the moor either and when that descnends it does make for a creepy scene. I can't put my finger on what the allure is but it has some sort of pull.

We left saying we would go back in better weather and we will because it looks like the walks are worth exploring. It was just a shame the weather got so bad that we were forced to go. On the way back by car my wife suddenly shouted out the blue: deer! Pointing out the passenger side we all looked and were amazed to see 20-30 deer by the roadside at a fence. My wife double back and then back again. On the last run I got out. Its long been my goal to photograph a deer as I may have mentioned before. Soaked and with cars flying past me too fast I was totally shut off to the dangers as I stood taking photos. Not great photos but better than anything I'd had the chance to take before. All good it would seem but it was only after that my wife said it could be a deer farm. Naively I had never thought of that. It if is then I would not have taken the photos. Doesn't seem right. I much prefer trying to catch photographs of wild deer so that is something I will continue to try to do. 

Thirteen

Recovery from anxiety is a strange thing as its a lot like anxiety disorder itself- counterintuitive in a way. Anixety is a reaction to perfectly normal bodily sensatons but we react because they happen when we feel they shouldn't. If we could 100% understand the sensations we experience were perfectly normal then we would see it was counterintuitive to try to stop them and react to them with fear or any other emotion.

I've mentioned that process many times on this blog over the years without actually understanding it truely and to completely understand it is to recover without fear of ever relapsing. Although I am not at that complete understanding I do have such a degree of understanding that I feel I am really close to understanding that fully. In the early days after many fails with various sources I relied on Dr Claire Weekes' books to get me through because of all things they made they most sense. She preached that recover came not with stopping panic attacks but with not caring whether they came. Latterly with the online CBT course which has benefited me so much the mantra has been similar and indeed Dr Weekes is referenced.

The point where things maybe clicked was being told: its not what you do but what you don't do. In essence its about not reacting. What we do causes the panic (reaction) but if we did noting then we would not panic (no reaction). I mean I sort of got it and even posted as much 3 years ago but sort of on a surface level rather than deep down. It needs to be fully understood to progress. With anxiety and panic we need to allow it and do nothing and if we can it will pass and over time we lose any fear of it because we see it pass. I think it clicked though with this CBT. The example there made so much sense. A little puddle of water. Adrenaline is the stick that swirls and churns it. How do we make the water settle? Do we stir the other way? No. We do nothing. In time with no interference it peters out and settles. This is anxiety in a nutshell. This is how it works.This is how it is overcome but knowing that is only a fraction of the solution, a few steps on the road to recovery.

Anyway, where am I going with this? I've had a period of near normality and so much so that I have questioned very little and not regarding things as blog worthy that in the past would have made 3 or 4 big blog posts. Its a good thing. The more that life is deemed normal the less is taken by anxiety. At the begining of the week for example we had to take the car to the garage as the exhaust was rattling. Usually we take the car out to a place and walk back but this time we decided it needed a proper look and as it turned out peace of mind cost £235 more than usual. But it was needed. Anyway it entailed driving to a proper exhaust place and sitting in while they looked at it and got a quote and we agreed and were off. A place I couldn't go a few years ago. I never thought anything of it and we then walked to a bank where I withdrew the money we needed and finally got the train home. It was only after that walking home that I realised the train was supposed to be a big thing and something I had been planning to do again but done without thinking. Most likely this was because it was taking me hope and would have been different if it was taking me away from home but a plus nontheless.

It comes after a period of things like this. From Thursday to Saturday I dined out 3 times. Up to that point I had dined out once in a decade. It started on Thursday at a new place in town. It was my daughter's 13th birthday and we treated her to a family birthday meal. It was over a mile away so it if got too tough I could walk without expecting everyone to have to pack up and leave which is something I really do not want so with the pressure of that off it helped. But still I expected a lot of anxiety and instead got very little. It was a lovely place and the staff were great but unfortunately the food was poor and I could then understand why from being packed every night when it opened it was now relatively empty. The following night my inlaws were through and staying at Strathclyde Park so we visited them, went for a walk and had a meal in there. The surroundings were poor in comparison but he food was top notch. For the second night in a row I ordered an all day breakfast and this was phenomenal.

This place needs a special mention. The Complex is named M&Ds and is situated at Strathclyde loch which is manmade when they flooded the old village of Bothwellhaugh many moons ago. It deserves more time as this visit was more than a meal for a couple of reasons. I go back 18 years to when I first met my wife. She stayed in these parts and I stayed 60 miles away. I met her and then she was gone but her sister stayed around the corner- I didn't know her though. At a party one night I met her sister and the following day for whatever reason I went with her and her friends to M&Ds the next day by car to meet her sister. It was awkward but to cut a long story short things moved on from there. So it has relevance and as I walked about the complex things started coming back from the arcades and the rides outside. And also it was one of the last places I visited before I became agoraphobic. I went there with my wife and two girls to meet my sister and I remember it well. By that time the anxiety was really biting at me but I had no idea what it was. I remember pushing a pram and just wanting to leave. The push of the pram from the car park inside was abouta fifth of a mile at most and I was breathless, shattered and on the point of collapse. It was just a horrible experience but I got through it as I always did until the big panic attack later that year in 2006. We went to Amazonia that time. It was closed this time but we will go to it again. It is now not a problem.

After eating my wife and her mum took the kids to the arcade while me and my father-in-law went to the hotel bar to watch the opening of Euro 2016. Again that's a first. I did not feel I needed to go. This is the same place I felt trapped 2 years ago. Not this time. This time I was relaxed and in no rush to get home. In all honesty later if we had not needed to get the kids home I would have like to have a walk around the loch. That is something I plan to do in the coming weeks. I think its 4 miles in total so i think would be a good walk for us all.

Saturday the inlaws had decided to take the oldest for a birthday meal so it was 3 meals in a row. But it was a Saturday and unplanned. Many places were mentioned. My preference was one of the Italians in Bothwell as I have walked past them so many times and wished to me inside when I see the people inside the big glass fronts never believing it possible. Now it is. But they were booked out. In the end we were went to Frankie and Benny's. Lovely but overly expensive. Never again.

In some long winded way what I am trying to say is that I have noticed a change in my actions, my thinking and as a consequence my life. I continue to do long walks but no longer feel the need to record them. The CBT which has helped me so much I feel is no longer required so I no longer do it. In life I am thinking a lot less about every situation and that is getting closer to "normality". And when the panic comes I am more willing to accept it and let it be and as such it comes less frequent- sometimes not at all. I am closer not to being anxiety free but being care free of anxiety. Going right back to those early books written by Dr Weekes in the 60s and 70s the message was the same then as it is today. Finally I seem to be understanding it and life from a decade of statis is starting to wake for me.

First, last and begin again

2015 without doubt was a massive year for me. I look back prior to then and see I was bobbing about lost at sea for a very long time. In real time the best part of a decade lost but more than that hope with it because over 10 years of feeling trapped tends to smother any positive feelings and writes them off as disillusion. As anyone will know in the same position, a similar postion or- as is the case for so many- a worst position it is very hard to hold on to hope when nothing seems to change because nothing seems to work. No matter how positive your personality its hard to stay in that frame of mind when time passes. Time lost cannot be regained but time can be lost in many different ways depending on your point of view. Anyway the thing is I see I was definitely losing hope. In 2013 there was the slightest of improvements and in 2014 better again but nothing to shout about. The highlight was taking the kids to school but still so much to do. 2015 changed everything. Finally after 9 years of hopes dashed there was light at the end of the tunnel. Finally things I never thought possible I was doing and places I never thought I would ever see again I was standing in.

I wrote a post last year about going to Perth for the first time in nearly a decade and it was an important thing for me as I had stayed there for a long time, its where I met my wife and its where inlaws stay. I was looking through that post again not by chance but because I had searched on a key word. At the end of the paragraph I said it had opened a new door and the possibilities were endless. And as examples I said staying overnight in a travel inn or a short break to Loch Lomond again- where we went for our first and last family holiday. Within a month of doing that I had indeed stayed overnight at a travel inn but also returned to places my wife and I had gone before the kids came along as well as finally travelled by train. Loch Lomond though would have to wait. In truth its been on my mind but I have been thinking of ways to build up to it. Now though it is done.

Its been quite a staggering period since Friday to be honest in comparison to how things used to be. I won't go into detail as that would would serve no purpose. On Friday my wife and I went around the shopping centre in Hamilton looking for something for our oldest girl's birthday as she turns 13 this week but without success. I have done it before but only once. Then at night she was helping out at the school's summer fayre and although I have been before I have never gone on my own taking the kids along. Doesn't sound like much but having to stay someplace for two hours gives me that trapped feeling as I knew I could not leave before the raffles were drawn at the end or the kids would have lynched me. I did it thought and was even putting away chairs and tables at the end on my own to help clear up.

My brother had very kindly offered to take the kids for a day out on Saturday. The only downside was we needed to go through and stay relatively near for the duration which turned out to be around 4 hours or maybe more. The youngest two were taken to indoor crazy golf by my brother while the oldest went shopping wither her older cousin. A large shopping centre is not a place I like to find myself and the last time I was in one I had a bad panic attack. This was a little surreal though. It had to be walked through to get to where they were going so I started to walk through talking to my brother. This is where I was brought up. From the outside the shopping centre I walked around when I was younger was unrecognisable. But inside this part was scarily familiar. It had not changed. I actually cannot remember the last time I was in there but it would be at least 20 years ago and probably more. When I was not working I had to sign on there and the job centre strangely was in the same place. The shops were all different but the layout was the same and it all came back. That said I still felt claustraphobic and so got out quick smart after making it half way through. That said I did not flee straight out. I was determined to stay and so explored. Even when we left to go for a walk along the river almond I was determined that when we returned I would go back in and stay until I felt fine. And I did. While my brother took the kids for a Pizza Hut we wondered from shop to shop and the anxiety way gone. We stayed the duration. It certainly helped that this shopping centre had exits all over the place so I was never far from one and I was comfortable with the layout. The kids had a cracking time and I am sure we will do it again.

That was though a long day and a lot of driving for my wife so I was surprised on the Sunday when suggested another drive. Happy too as it was a scorcher and I did fancy us all sitting in all day when it was so beautiful outside. As always she did not say where. Trouble is though everyone was out to go somewhere and as soon as we were out out car park we were in traffic. Its just the way of it though. It took some time for me to realise where we were going but once I did it was a mix of emotions- fear and excitement. Fear because I knew it would be busy and excitement because we were returning to the place of our first and last family holiday in 2006- loch lomond. Just a day trip this time but enough. As I expected it was busy but it was also lovely. I have to be honest and say I was never completely calm. Never as calm as at the sea despite the large expanse of water ahead of me. When we had first been here it was November and freezing and no one around. This was very different but strangely some things started to come back to me.

Long term but not for some time yet I would like to go back there again for a short stay in log cabins like we did before because I loved that. I might even prefer it in winter. Before that though we have something else planned which I won't talk about now but hopefully if it transpires it will be something I can post about by the end of the month. Things for now are moving along nicely. Its like a decade stuck in traffic but finally things are moving and I soon hope to be on the open road again.