Drinking

I don't know really what possessed me or what kept because it was awkward bordering on embarassment if I am honest and even that was not fully apparent until the panic had died down enough to breathe. I was sitting in a pub. Sitting- the only one sitting. Shakily I had openened the door from the sunlit day going into the black and as the dark lightened I was met by two less than friendly strangers staring from the bar and a friendlier barmaid. And from there I nearly never made it to sitting down. I had to wait and that was nearly enough to drive me straight back out and even when I had ordered a pint I was pulling hard on the leash trying to keep my nerves from running off out the door. Somehow I managed to stay. Well not somehow but fear of how I would be perceived which is stupid given it was the perception of strangers I would likely never encounter again and who most likely would not have cared either way. But I stayed. And I sat. And I looked into middle distance is a put with four people of which I was the outsider. It was silent apart from the three who talked in hushed tones. No music just barely audible conversation. I sat looking about and not knowing where to look next. And I wondered why I was doing this. Why? What was the point? It was not enjoyable in the least. I did make a point of not rushing but it was still too quick and once done I had no intention of staying. I stood up and all turned to face me. My led legs would not allow me to step and so I managed an embarassing lunge at the bar and put my empty glass down- thankfully close enough that I don't think they noticed. I walked into the closed door on the way out before finding the open one and was soon out into too bright light vowing never to return.

The point of the exercise was to confront fear. There are a few places left locally where I cannot go on my own and I am trying to address these now in some sort of order I have not written down. The dentist and the doctors I have been into but not alone and not for myself. Everywhere else really I have been. The train still to come. Pubs. That is another. I'd been in one with my wife locally. There are apparently fifty in and around the area which I find staggering. Plenty close at hand. My thought was to go to as many as possible.

Before I give the impression that I am looking for a life of full time drinking let me just say that is not the idea at all. Its not a case of going to a put and drinking myself drunk or going on a pub crawl. It is merely once or twice a week going to a pub, having one beer and leaving- on my own. That is the idea. Its because I fear it I feel I need to do it. Paranoia has been a problem in the past decade. It never used to be. I never used to worry about going anywhere on my own. Now I do. I have to face that head on and go into places on my own where I am going to draw attention. I must do it and deal with it- in the right way.

Don't get me wrong though I do worry sometimes about alcohol. I have never been one for spirits of any kind and yet as a reward for my nicotine abstinence i bought myself a bottle of malt whisky.  It went within a week. That is too much of course but I would say it was a reward and also I had toothache so it was mainly medicinal if I am honest. In fact I felt I had wasted it so a week ago I bought myself another bottle of the same whisky with the promise I would leave it alone for at least a month and keep it for special occassions or times when I just felt like a little something (hard to explain). Not a regular thing.  Bearing in mind I had lots of whisky sitting in my kitchen for over a year until I gave up smoking and as a consequence got toothache and then set about pain relief in that way. Anyway the bottle is still there a week on untouched.

As I said though I am not much of a spirit person. I do like a beer though and that is what I have to be careful about. Maybe the experience tonight ws good- off putting. An unnjoyable experience in the pub is probably a good thing. If I had felt welcomed and enjoyed that beer and started to relax I would no doubt have had another. I could have felt like another after and enjoyed it so much I vowed to go back again. That is the danger. Sort of. In truth I could not afford more than a pint anyway and could not afford to do it more than once a week. Well except for this week. My wife bought me two beers on Sunday at a place out of town we had gone to with our son while the girls were elsewhere. That was enjoyable and part of me did want to stay longer but I was happy that I was disciplined enough to know when it was time to leave.

I did have a plan in mind to go around all the pubs one by one on a weekly basis but to be honest this has put me off. I just did not enjoy it all. Tonight has been strange and not in a good way- in a puzzling way. I am iritated my an agitation that I cannot put my finger on. I feel like some kind of void has been created within me which does not make a lot of sense when I type it but its just what I feel. An empty feeling driving an agitation in me. The only thing I think it can be is that feeling that I have fallen off the bike and must get right back on and this time might be better if that makes sense. I feel that could be a one off experience but I doubt it. I feel maybe a bit of failure and want to correct it. I feel a bit of disappointment in myself for letting it all get to me and not instead just sitting and enjoying it. Just something there that is like an itch needing scratched.

I see if I am going to go somewhere and have a beer then its pointless doing it alone. That is a strange concept to me as I have, in the distant past, sat in so many pubs alone enjoying my own company- preferring it in fact. If I am honest i would also say tonight I much preferred to be left alone and dread the thought of some one trying to spark up a conversation. I want to remain alone and fly under the radar. For now though that is not to be. I think possibly I have spent so much time cut off from the rest of the world that I don't need a reminder and in fact have to socialise. I'm not sure. I've always been a bit of a loner and enjoyed the fact. Maybe I just need to find what makes me happy rather than looking ro define myself. Time will tell. As much as I have no desire to repeat this experience has taught me I probably won't be able to stop myself doing it again sometime soon.

Easter Break

The Easter break finally comes to a close and to be honest its felt longer than two weeks. In fact I am not even sure why Easter warrants 2 weeks. I don't work of course, though I hope that will change this year, and my wife works part time so its not a problem for us but for families where both parents work or whatever set up then it must be a real difficult time for taking holidays. We don't have family living near us so if we did both work full time we would have no choice but to take holidays too.

As I said though its felt a long period. Not sure why. Its just dragged.  Yet this Easter has been more action packed, in my relative terms, than others in recent years. My family for example spent less time up North. Usually they are up well before Easter Sunday and leave a few days after. This year they went up on the day and came back the following day. We have also went lots of places and done lots of different things which again is not something I am used to this time of year. Its all good. Its heading in the right direction.

My thoughts turn to the future. My daughter finishes primary school this year. I expect before that I will be hauled into the job centre with the threat of cutting off my income if I don't. There are other things too I'd rather put on the back burner for now. But I would say this year more than any other year in the last decade I feel almost equipped to deal with anything coming my way. Maybe that is how nature works. Maybe nature sees I have some challenges ahead and has decided to tool me up in anticipation of meeting them head on.

I thought for this post I would include more general photos taken over this fortnight rather than anything specific. Its a weird thing but I  have done a lot but not much worth talking about. How much can I say about a  couple of long walks through woodlands? What more can I say about having a pint in a pub or a meal in McDonalds? Not a lot. They mean a lot to me but not to anyone else. I need more. I am looking for more. Some ideas are starting to surface of the path I want to take this year. More on that when the time comes. For now its been a good Easter. 

Calderglen again

My wife has been determined that the kids get out as much as possible this Easter break and so we have been going places- so to speak. And that has been good for me too. We have been many places but last night was the best in my view. It was good for many reasons. I could go into them all but won't. The main and therefore only real reason it was good was it was far from home out as a family on a walk for over an hour without a care. No rushing to leave and no clockwatching. Just a lovely walk.

Its over a year since I was last at Calderglen Country Park, blogged about here, and that was the first time in nearly a decade.  There was one other time I blogged about but I never got out of the car that time. Even that last time a year ago it was minutes we were there and I did not venture too far from the car. It was also a quick visit of 5 minutes at most. This time I was determined to go one better. The park has a few different woodland walks and I wanted to do one of them. We did and it was good.  In that post from a year ago there is actually a map and the paths are marked out on that. Not clearly mind.

It was great for the kids too. Well two of them as youngest daughter is up north at her grandparents for a few days. Our flat is so small. They have so much energy and no room to burn it. This was a perfect opportunity for them to run wild. Run and slide and climb and when noone was about yell at the top of their lungs.

It was a good night as I said but long leisurely walks doesn't make for a lot of words. In fact this is where my wife would be better as the narrator because she knows the different species of birds and assortment of wild animals and the different types of trees and other vegetation. I know its a bird and its colour and that is about as specific as I get. I did take some photos though and although they are not great they are something.

Drumpellier Country Park

Drumpellier, country park on the grounds of the former Drumpellier Estate. My wife is a stickler for pronunciation insists its spoken as it is written with not a hint of French which I cannot help myself slipping into. Maybe that should not surprise me. I remember a woman I used to work beside said there was a nightclub in Dundee named Ici ("Here" in French) and the locals referred to it as I.C.I- now "Delux". I'm conditioned that way. Aren't we all. I remember when I first used to talk to friends about the Dutch team Ajax and used to say the name like it was the bleach (younger readers won't remember that) or the the rocket ship from Flash Gordon (again younger readers won't know what I am talking about but if you ever hear the song "Flash" by Queen listen out for the sample). Drumpellier. Not that it matters in the written word. I am not talking to you but your inner narrator.

Last night we decided to go somewhere new for a drive. Usually I do the planning. I like to look for things near at hand to go to. The perimeter of "near at hand" has increased a good bit over the past couple of years but even at that Drumpellier would have been off my radar. It was my wife's suggestion for a change. Its quite a distance away but its not long away if you catch my drift. It does not take that long to get there on a Sunday evening when the roads are quiet and the road is a straight motorway drive there. Usually I do all the planning and make sure I am comfortable with it and all the rest. As it was all my wife's doing I did less of that and just worked out the straight (-is) route there.

As simple as the journey was it did not stop us getting lost and taking a wrong. My fault. There was only one turn and I made it the wrong way. We ended up in some big deserted place outside of Gartcosh. It was like something out of 28  days later. There was this massive empty building and a little train station. It was only when we turned at the train station that we finally saw people. Police. Lots of police. All very bizarre.  Turns  out after Google search today that the building is called "The Scottish Crime Campus". That would explain the police presence.

We were soon away from there and finally at the country park. As usual the weather turned and a nice night went into a cold windy one. Still though it was nice to walk somewhere new. There was though not a lot to it. Not much variety if I am honest. Busy though so much have something about it. We walked the perimeter of the loch and by then were too cold to do anything else. As always I took my camera and so there are some photos below.

Forty Six

Cousins. Sitting eating ice lollies. It wasn't even that warm. They are sitting in the basin of the world fountain at the David Livingstone centre. I was there on Tuesday and a guy was cleaning it out. Yesterday it was still in that limbo state. A real shame. Its beautiful when it on- in my view. Somewhere I took a photo but I cannot find it. I remember it. I remember taking it and after doing so two young foreign girls approached asking if I could use their phone to take a photograph of them which I did of course. I can't find that photo. I can only find one post with a photo and the fountain was not on then either- here.

The reason the cousins were altogether was my wife's birthday. She turned 46 yesterday and her family were through for it. Usually that would mean a day alone for me and to be perfectly honest that is what I had planned. Their plan had been spending most of the day at Strathclyde Park. That was off limits for me as I could not get away without needing my wife to take me away and I had no wish to do that on her birthday so much better for all I just don't go. More so at the moment as the council are basically rebuilding the whole road network around about it and its one of the busiest areas for traffic in Scotland so a nightmare at the moment. When I worked it was a nightmare but nothing compared to what the poor motorists are going through at the moment.

It was actually because of all that that the family decided instead to go to the David Livingstone Centre. As that is a place I can walk home from if required I had no excuses so went. I say no excuses as if it was something I had to do forced. That was not the case. As always there is a conflict. On one hand the chance to spend my wife's birthday with her, her family and my kids was something very appealing. On he other hand fatigue has been flooring me and I have been trying to ease off overdoing things.

And that last thought was on my mind later at night when it was all over and I could hardly keep my eyes open. It was not on my mind when I jumped a wall and went alone down a path blindly on another adventure. I found a boat house I had been trying to find for a long time. It was a good little adventure. The real bonus though was spending time with family I had not spend time with in a long time. My sister-in-law and her husband. And their kids who I am really a stranger too but now a bit more familiar. Its all slowly coming together. Maybe.

But whatever happens this is another plus. Now when there is a get together not only am I being considered now but I am actually considering it myself. 

Adventuring

I feel an inner confidence growing. I am still prone to panic and must remain vigilant but where I would not even consider crossing the line I am now doing it without contemplating it long enough to talk myself out of it. And also what I am finding is that if I can do it successfully then I have a  need to keep pushing and do more. Take for example the last post where I didn't think I would get to Livingston but I did. That should have been enough. That and then home but instead i lingered and I lingered and then off to another place and in all visited 3 homes and lots of places and waited for a chippy and did a lot of walking about.

Each step forward brings confidence and appetite for more. I do also have to say its not all 100% positive. Fatigue is still a big factor bothering me, slowing me. Achievements make me rise above the fatigue. I push through it but its only a temporary thing. At some point I must rest and that is when it all comes crashing in heavy. I feel it. And I go out and I feel it and I think to myself I cannot go on and I don't want to go on and I don't want to push again. Then I push again and rise about it and push right through it and later I sit down and get agitated by another crashing wave of fatigue. Its OK though. What I need to do is manage it better. That is where I am going wrong. I burn myself out basically and then spend days in forced rest worried that all my progress is ebbing away. Just needs better management.

Today I took the kids to school as I had been doing and came back the long way. Half an hour. A mile and a half. I got back home feeling tired. It feels like a long walk. Felt like I should be slowing down. Something though was preying on my mind. There is a route I had been wanting to do for a long time. It involved walking through woodland to a viaduct and cutting through a large field and then back via an industrial estate. The big problem was that I had never managed firstly to walk to the end of the industrial estate and nor had I ever managed to walk to the viaduct through the woodlands. I could therefore not manage either way and even if I could do both I would then have a large field to contend with. It turned out not to be the case and I had to abandon any thought of doing it. This route was once part of he Clyde walkway. Its easier if I post the map from the council website found here:

The Bothwell Viaduct is at point 23 (It can also be seen in the distance in the to photograph). As you can see there are two routes provided. One routes goes to the viaduct and the other doesn't. Both routes connect and basically make up the round trip I had planned but that alternative route is there for a reason. From the leaflet outlining this part of the walk:

"All that now remains of the viaduct, a further casualty of the 1960s railway closures, are massive stone piers that straddle the Clyde bear Craighead. At this point the route again becomes very informal. Negotiate the steep embankment and cross the field at the foot of the slope, head uphill to joint the estate road to the now demolished Craighead House. Please Note: Athough the development of the Craighead site will include the creation of a purpose built Clyde Walkway from Craighead Viaduct to Bothwell Lido at the time of going to press (March 09) due to current economic circumstances it is uncertain as to when this will be competed. In the meanntime the site may be difficult to cross."

So the round trip is out of the question and just to make sure it was not all a fabrication I walked the alternative route last night. What I found was that it was not just difficult to cross but impossible. Its 6 years since that was written and now the fileld is fenced off in all directions so crossing is impossible. Ah welll. But I had done the alternative route. As I sat after the school run feeling shattered my mind was telling me I had to do the original path. If nothing else at least to see the viaduct. I was getting restless. Its the last day of school today for a 2 week Easter break and I knew it had to be done today. During the holidays the woods become the haunt of others and I prefer not to do it then on my own.

I should say I had tried walking this route a few times. Distance was not the problem. I had only ever managed about halfway through the woods. There are three reasons for this. Its not much of a path which is basically just thick mud. Its not flat either. In fact one part is lie a skate park half pipe, a basin. The other factor is its not a path many people use unlike the rest of the walk. Going further in on my own does creep me out a bit. I remember a couple of years back my wife tried going down and I had to wait and she came back saying she got so far and came across a tent so doubled back. Alone down there would be pretty creepy. If I ever got there.

But of course I got there. It was not easy but I got there. It most certainly was not easy. There has been a lot of rain so the ground was like a bog and I nearly slipped several times. Going up steep inclines is bad enough but with no grip was a nightmare. I had to stop a few times to catch my breath and then push on. Finally though I got there. I kept thinking about heading back as every time I turned a corner it just seemed to go on and  I was growing more and more anxious.

I was a bit disappointed if I am honest. From the map and even from the lead image at the top I presumed if I ever got the viaduct I would arrive at the water's edge and be looking up. I was in fact level with the top of the pillars and even though visibility in woodland is good at this time of year it was very difficult to get a clear shot as illustrated above. So a disappointment. No need to go return any time soon. I looked down on the field and it was indeed fenced all the way around so no way through and even if there was then I would guess its fenced off for a reason so no need to go out and find out why.

It did though creep me out. I was by all acounts alone in the woods and it was eerily silent. Then a bird flew out from a bush out of the blue and my knees about buckled. It felt uneasy. If I am honest I was glad to leave and it was an anxious retreat as the path just seemed to be swallowed up at every turn and civilisation looked a long way off. I kept going though just glad that I was starting to get back to more familiar ground and would soon be home. And that was the intention until I spotted the following.

I say that like its something knew. Its not. I have posted photos of those two bridges many times. But having reached one place I had been wishing to go for a long time I suddenly felt compelled to add a second. That silver bridge that leads to the fish ladder. I now felt compelled to get down to it somehow. Again, I got there.

It involved going down a steep slope. Again footing was not great so I nearly went my length  few times. It was nothing though compared to getting back up. It was bad enough trying to get up with very little grip but I also have a sore coccyx at the moment and did not realise how much more painful it would be climbing up as opposed to trudging down. I had no choice once I was down there and it was bloody sore. Mind you the one thing that helped me up was the stench. It is totally stinking down there. The water is rancid and enough to make you green. I got down to the gates which to my surprise were open but there was another gate beyond which looked locked. I didn't want to go any further. I have no idea how safe it is as I don't think its used anymore.

So all that done I should have stopped there but I did not. I went another path I had been before but this time decided to follow it to its conclusion. There was a time I would have stopped and just called it a day but I was determined to keep going. Every journey I do I always plan. This last one was different as I had no idea where the path led to and even when I got the end I no wiser. Its something I would never have done in the past but I was so determined to keep pushing I followed it on. I found myself in an open field. There were factories in the background. Not sure which ones. I will find out later. For now it doesn't matter. I am just glad I kept pushing. More confidence gather as I stretch out toward normality. No idea where I was yet I felt calm. Calm enough to just sit down and rest for a few minutes before heading back home. A little portal maybe. A little portal to normality.