At the very least I should feel some sort of satisfaction. Achievement maybe. Happiness possibly. Looking at it from a positive perspective I could even go as far as to say I should feel euphoric. Why? Because I did something that for three and a half years seemed impossible. Not just once but ten times: the school run. Now for the average person that isn't much, if anything, and if I was to give it to you in terms of distance it would be even less impressive. Distance doesn't matter though. I've driven a lot further. Its driving through traffic into a long street, to a car park, where there is room only for one car because its on a residential street where lots of cars are parked on the road and cars in both directions are trying to pass. An impossibility for me at nine when school starts and at three when it ends because its a gridlock. Its that feeling of being trapped rather than how far it is from home. It is certainly more claustrophobic that agoraphobic. But I did it. There is though no uplifting feeling from that- quite the opposite. Praise means nothing because it has nothing to connect within. Praise for me is "you did it!", "it wasn't that hard", "nothing bad happened to you" and "now there is no problem for you to do it again". My wife summed it up brilliantly with "so what if you feel shit for the rest of the day, you did it and you should be proud!".
Well shit is how I felt time and time again but it doesn't matter apparently. Apprehension then panic and then after effects twice a day but as long as the job gets done. The one good thing, though "good" is the wrong term, to come from it is that I have learned something. Without doubt now I see that my fatigue/exhaustion/tiredness is anxiety related and not the product of something else. Each weekday I have felt more and more shattered. If I can keep it at bay then around the time of drive I am hit with a wave of it. For three years I have kept a note of my walks each week and this is the worst so far- worse even than the week I couldn't walk because of stomach pain. The fatigue has in turn given a breeding ground to anxiety making every day feel longer than it should.
This week I also talked to someone who claims to now be recovered after eight years of panic disorder and agoraphobia- I don't have any grounds to doubt him but am ever the skeptic. I asked him about the fatigue and whether he had experienced it in his time. He told me that unlike me he didn't have a long lead up of fatigue before the panic started but the fatigue he had was bad. He also said were he not having panic attacks then most likely he would have been diagnosed with CFS as the fatigue was that bad but as soon as he started to get on top of the anxiety the fatigue went with it. I can see that in my own case. Since the week prior I have had a lot of anxiety and feel wiped out as a result. About 10 days ago my wife was in hospital all day for knee surgery and although routine I was anxious all day long- my own fault for reading something along the lines of although routine there can be fatalities in 1 in 100,000. Stupid I know but that is the way my mind works. Then I had a 4 hour visit from the inlaws and then a week of school runs and all the while I was getting more and more tired. The one thing that guy said that I identified with was "its not a nice tiredness". No it ain't. Its not tiredness at all as we know it but more a sapped agitated state.
The school kindly agreed to give me a dispensation from the normal school hours and allow up to half an hour after for drop off and up to half an hour before for pick up. For that I am thankful because otherwise I would not even have attempted it because those times are too claustrophobic. Each time though was like starting from scratch. Success did not make the next one any easier and in fact my hardest trials came towards the end of the week emanating from the more fatigued state. Also not helped by a few problems too.
On Wednesday I went to pick up the kids so panicky that even before I got in the car I was telling my wife that I probably wasn't going to manage it. The shakes were really chipping away at my will and my confidence to do the run. And it was frustrating because in the morning I'd had a completely anxiety free run which had given me some hope. It was my first and last anxiety free run. So I managed to get there and as I neared the doors to the school I started to have thoughts of dread which had plagued me the two days before- the kids were not going to be waiting there with someone. Usually I feel relief when I see them but not this time because as I dreaded they were not there. My wife said she'd go into the school to get them but she needs a walking stick at the moment so I dived out driven by nervousness at staying still and stood rattling and pulling on a locked door- turns out you need to buzz reception before you can get in but even though my wife was shouting the fact from the car I was in too much panic to compute. I got in and was met by a second set of doors and went through the same process as the receptionist stood looking at me wondering what to do- I could have been a mad man for all she knew, well I was. Finally I got through to an empty foyer and no kids- nobody at all. Someone finally appeared, apologised and said she'd go to get the kids as they were in the hall singing. That was when panic went full blown. I was in the car wanting to drive home but not sure if I could because of the shaking. Five minutes passed but it seemed a lot longer and then finally the girls appeared and we were on our way with a "well done" from my wife. It was hellish for the rest of the day with adrenaline running through me making me all buzzy, fuzzy and restless.
Friday was worse. I'd completed nine of the ten runs and looking to get over the line as quickly as possible. Time was slowing down and I wanted it over with. Just one more to go and then the phone rang: The inlaws. I nearly burst out laughing in despair. They rarely come on a weekday and if they do its never during the day but they had decided to take a jaunt into Glasgow and then while there take the 10 mile detour to our home to "spend no more than 5 minutes dropping off some things". I didn't need my wife to tell me they had decided on an impromptu visit before I did the last run. Just what I needed: apprehension, panic and guilt all rolled into one. My wife managed to put them off until after I'd picked up the kids but the damage was done. The shakes were a repeat of Wednesday and when I got to the school there were no kids again. After negotiating the double doors I found on the other side the youngest girl only. So again I had the 5 minute wait while someone went off to find the oldest. Just not good but we were soon on our way home. Its so awkward that I feel guilty. The lady apologiesed and all the while my wife was getting angry and anxious on my behalf. Drained and still filled with panic the inlaws arrived for their 5 minute visit and left 2 hours later.
So not a good week. But its just the first of many as I not only have this to do every week now but this week the boy starts nursery too- the government have decided that all 3 year olds should go into nursery immediately. Can't say I am looking forward to it any. Its not for lack of effort. If it was a case that every drive built confidence and lowered the anxiety via exposure I would relish challenging my anxiety but that is not the case. Its just as hard every time and very tiring.
So to those around me it looks like I am making progress and for that they are happy. But I know I am not. I know its doing me no good at all and I'm struggling harder each time. Unless there is some unforeseen change into the positive I know there will come a time when I just don't have the energy left to do it and will be filled with guilt. If only this thing worked logically. Maybe it does. Maybe its just that what other people think is logical isn't.
