What goes down...

I've had panic disorder for long enough that I know it never goes smoothly for long. I know from experience that is usually when you least expect it hits. Then again I have also learned that sometimes you can push it knowing what will probably happen then regret it after. Like this time at Chatelherault. It was very like the time I pushed myself down to the water 5 years ago.  The result was at least. That time I was in full blown panic and had a climb to perceived safety. This time was the same in that regard but I did not see it coming.

On Wednesday we were pushed for time the wife and I. We went to Chatelherault just for a sake of a drive rather than a walk through the beautiful woodlands but once there we got out. We could not spend much time there as we had to get back for the kids. We walked long a bit and I saw signposts for "Old Avon Bridge (1.4 KM)". We followed so far until we came to a steep set of stairs. My wife's back has been sore this week so there was no way she was going down. And we did not have time anyway. Still though I would not listen. I told her to head back to the car and said I would take a little walk along but watch my time so we were not late for the school. And that is what I did. It was a mistake.

Already I had done the calculations in my head. 1.4 km is roughly about a mile and that a mile takes me roughly 20 minutes. I only had 15 minutes though but I thought if I went as far as I could then I may see the bridge and be able to take a photo from afar. Of course what I had forgotten about was the fact it was 20 minutes there and 20 minutes back. Silly me. I went down those steep stairs and followed a winding path through the woods picking up speed. At every turn I hoped the bridge would come in to view but it never did. It was about 10 minutes in that I realised my mistake and also that I had 5 minutes to do a 10 minute walk. It was a rush and for me a rush is never good. It then came to a head when I got to the bottom of those steep stairs. I was already getting out of breath and those I knew were going to really test me. Were that not bad enough halfway up and heading into panic because I could not get a breath my wife called to see what was taking me so long and I had to try to explain. It was not an enjoyable experience. I took so long that my wife called a second time and when I was finally back in the car I was soaked in sweat, unable to get a proper breath, feeling I would throw up and in full blown panic. All the old fears came rushing in. Far from home and all that. I just wanted to get home quickly. Another wave of panic: we were not going home. We were going to the school. Somehow I managed to keep it together all the way to the school and even get out to collect the kids. When I got home though I was shattered and panic kept coming.

The thought of returning the following day did not fill me with joy but it was me who suggested it. I felt I had to. Ideally when dealing with panic the books say I should wait if possible until the panic drops by half and in doing so I am not attaching the feeling of panic to the memory of that place. I had though been unable to wait because we had to pick up the kids. That is why I had to return. And so we did. This time I did not go the bridge route as I did not want to try climbing those stairs again. This time we went a gentler route to Cadzow Castle which I had been wanting to see but is unfortunately a ruin which is now off limits to the public. That was a bit of a disappointment but not to worry. The point of the visit was just to return there and if it caused panic which it did then I had to stay until it dropped which I did. We also found a closer bridge named the Duke Bridge which looked old.

Yesterday the schools were off so we returned to Chatelherault for a third day in a row. It was always going to be difficult because my oldest daughter had an idea in her head and when she has one of those she is like a dog with a bone. She had read something about a wildlife photography competition and so wanted to try to find some animals to photograph. First though something very bizarre happened. I was telling her all about cameras and then referred to the XF1 I had which my wife took to a concert a year ago, got it soaked and it never worked again. Rather than throw it I thought I might see if I could get it repaired somewhere. Long story short I got it out of the cupboard, charged the battery a but and tried it and it worked. I was amazed. I tried a few months back and it was still completely dead. So my daughter had a camera and now all we needed to do was look for wild animals.

Chatelherault is a good place for this. One of the woodland walks is dotted with markers like the one above indicating where wildlife can be found. Unfortunately that walk is the one with the steep stairs and that was the one we had to go on. It had to be done. I knew how it would go and on that score I was not disappointed but at least this time I was able to stay until the panic eased off to a reaonable level. We went down the stairs and even going down I was getting breathless illustrating the breathlessness was mentally driven primarily at least. And it just drove on from there. And on and on.

I was determined not to let it drive me away. Even pushing it by finding an alternative route and following that a long way on my own before returning to my family. And every minute that passed I waited for the anxiety to drop but it remained on the threshold of spilling over. And all this was still with the steps to be climbed once more. I'm never one to put these kind of situations off and that is probably why I have trouble waiting. So after spending a few minutes by the river with the family I went back up the stairs with them. Envious as I  stopped for breath and watch the three kids bound up like they were going down. And even when I stood still the breathlessness increased. I was focusing on it and I worry was making me more breathless but I felt powerless to stop it. 

It was actually worse than the time before. I got to the top and when I went to walk everything spun and it felt like my legs had gone. I wanted to lie down. My chest felt like it was being crushed and I was suffocating and still I had to walk and pretend there was nothing wrong despite the alarm inside. Halfway back to the car another swoosh and everything spun again. Panic. I just couldn't take it. I realised I was going backwards and my fear was each time I tried to do the right thing I was infact making it worse.

Depressing. Depressing while it lasted. But it does not last forever. In those moments I  felt sure it would. If I could have lay down, closed my eyes and been home when I opened them  then I would  not have cared how stupid I looked. But if I had done that I would never have experienced the normality after when the panic had to die down. It was spend while my oldest and I went off down this way and that looking for animals to photograph. Not lacking energy or breath or worried about either. Instead just feeling a little normal.

We didn't get what we came for in terms of wildlife pics but for me it proved a very worthwhile experience. Strange how something so horrible can be so good for you. When we return I will not be anxiety free but I will be not far from it and better for the return at least.

At the zoo

I've mentioned Calderglen country park a few times now as I've been there a few times now and that being the case as nice as it is I don't really have much of a call to keep returning to the same places unless its for something new. Even though I have been there a couple of times now the experience is not always good. We went on Saturday and I was all for turning back before we even got there. If someone had told me I would be there for two and a half hours that would have been enough to push me over the edge. That though is what happened. When we got to the car park I had to get out and get away using a cricket match across the way as an excuse as I scuttled off with my camera. The worry was even then alone and hiding behind the lens the adrenaline just kept buzzing through me.

Of course it went and according to the CBT that is what I am supposed to do- stay however bad until the level of anxiety goes down by at least half. And it did. I am not sure when as its one of those things that happens without noticing it. Anyway as I said I would normally be reluctant to return somewhere unless it was for something new. My wife had wanted us all to go out and couldn't think where to go as the weather has been terrible. I remembered Calderglen had a children's zoo. I had not been there since before my problems started. My oldest girl was a baby when I had last been there. For whatever reason I suggested it to my wife and she agreed. I think it was that which had the anxiety so high. I had suggested and therefore comitted and the kids knew and were excited and if I pulled out then I was disappointing all of them. It is that self imposed pressure which actually makes the simpler things more difficult.

I wrote a post 5 years ago about Amazonia. The brief version of that post is that I needed to take a photo of an animal for a photography competition and wish to go there to do that. In the end my oldest daughter who was 6 years old at the time took a photo of an lizard and I shamelessly used that. She did not take it at Amazonia however but intead took it at Calderglen's children zoo.

So we did that. It was good. I enjoyed it. The kid enjoyed it. Monkeys, wild cats, bunnies, birds of prey and so much more. A really good little zoo for kids- and adults. My only gripe was all the mesh fencing which made it near impossible to get photographs. But maybe it just made it more of a challenge. My oldest took my wife's phone and disappeared for most of the time trying desperately to get some decent snaps. And she did get some good ones- better than my own. Maybe she has an eye for it. No matter. The main thing is she enjoyed doing it.  She is at that age where a day out with the family is not the lure it once was and grumbles when a walk is mentioned. But she really enjoyed the challenge of getting some photographs. Below is a small selection of the few I did get which were not completely obscured.

After the zoo we decided on a walk. We walked through the woodland as we have done many a time but on this occassion a torrential downpour sent us packing earlier than normal. But all in all it had been good. My wife said: it makes such a difference being able to go out as a family. And that sums up things. It doesn't matter where we go or for how long. All that matters is we can go. There was a time I could not, we could not. And that times was not too long ago. I remember going down the local park with my wife and son was a big achievement even though I could only stay there a minute at most before leaving.  It is good to be doing these thing together. The more we do and the longer I am out the closer to normality I feel. It has a knock on effect. It is the reversal of how I got into a disorder.

Before we were chased home by the rain though something very strange. My wife stopped me in the woods and whispered to me to follow her. She was pointing up at the trees. I slowly moved forward looking. And finally with my  bad eyesight even I saw it up in the branches. I just wish I could have gotten closer. A very strange thing to see in the woods at tea time. I wondered if it had escaped from the zoo as we had soon some in there but this one was bigger. Not the best of photos but can you see it?

Working towards something

Something former TV presenter Richard Madeley said in an interview has stuck with me. I can't remember where I read it or what magazine it was in. I can't even think why I would be reading any magazine which had an interview with him. But I remember his saying he gets up as soon as he is awake and that is something I  can relate to.  And I can relate to his reasoning too. He said the reason he has to get up is that if he lies his thoughts start to lead him to feeling depressed. I can most definitely relate to that.

That is not to say I have a problem with depression. I don't. Well, I don't think I have. And here we go as I start to talk myself into it. No, I don't. I have depressive thoughts which is a very different thing. In my position its very hard not to have those type of thoughts. Hopefully though those thoughts are less now than they were given I cam getting out more, for longer, further away and to new places. Or maybe not. It seems that as I get on top of one thing it gets subbed by another. For example I stopped smoking 8 weeks ago and that was a good thing? Since then though I have not felt any better. The book I read told me I would have a renewed energy and breathe better but I have had none of that. What I have had is toothache and other tooth related problems leading to worry about them as I am still not in a position to go to the dentist and even if I could I think the fear of what may be found there after years of smoking may drive me into panic before I got anywhere near. That though is life. One thing at a time.

What I have been noticing though is that being more active has the same sort of positive and negative trade off. Being inactive like lying in bed after waking allow more negative thought patterns to weave their stories in the head. Being active stops that. When I am tramping through the forest I am not thinking of debt or how big the children have gotten so fast or that pain or this blemish or anything else. But the more activity brings more fatigue and when the mind is fatigued more negative thoughts stick and are harder to let go. Always a trade off. 

Life though is better for sure. Being able to do things I never thought I would ever do again is something that I forget all too easily. If someone had told me a couple of years ago I'd have been taking the kids to school and I'd have visited my parents I would not have believed them. No chance. Now that I have done that I fear it less and so it does not seem as big a deal. I must never forget it is.  I must never forget where I was and stop complaining that I am not where I ultimately want to be.

For a long time I have been thinking about work. For all the good I have been doing work still seems a long way off but not so far that I have not been considering what to do- if I have a choice. I know what I would like to do. I'd like to be a travel writer. I'd like to be a travel photographer. That is what I would like to be. But that is unrealistic. The agoraphobic travel writer is more than a bit contradictory. Dreams rather than realistic goals. Ultimately I would take anything. I am not that ambitious but I have also taken steps to do something  I would rather do than want to do. My background for a long time was computers. From IT to database administration to programming. I've actually enjoyed them all or at least preferred them to other things. So I have decided to brush up a bit and learn a new language. After some research I have decided on Java, bought a book and now working my way through it. It won't get me a job and it won't make me self sufficient but I at least feel I am doing something positive with a view to future employment. We will see. The proverbial chap at the door from the Job Centre is imminent.

Also in preperation for that my wife drove me to the Job Centre last week. It wasn't quite the way I expected. I thought I could just go in and hang about for a bit then leave. Its changed days. We got to the front doors to find it all very much open plan and a reception desk so there was no point in going in. It was at least a walk up to the door and now I know what lies in store even if its a pain to get to using public transport.

We have in fact been lots of different places. Its been good. I have enjoyed it thoroughly and hope for me. I am finding more and more even if I have problems weighing me down I am will to just keep putting myself into fear and dealing with it. It is becoming less and less the case that I am not doing something for fear of it and as a consequence I am considering these things less and less too and instead just doing them. Not sure if I am going anywhere at the moment but I am sure I am not going back which is something. Feel like I am working towards something. Not sure what, something. Time will no doubt let me know.

Hiding in plain view

There are apparently, I know because I looked it up, 64 different species of Heron. As I have said many times in the past I am very ignorant of wildlife. Until my wife told me what it was it was that big skinny white bird- though its actually grey I think so I even got the colour (or shade if you will) wrong. So I know its a Heron but I can't say which of the 64 it is. I probably could Google it. I could but there is a reason I am ignorant to wildlife.

Anyway a Heron is what I was after. Something on the checklist. With my limited to photography equipment and skills that is what I got- finally. It was caught just by chance which makes a change. I have been after deer for so long and they mock me. Four times now I have seen deer and four times I have failed to capture them. The last time was a month or so ago when I was in the woods taking a photo of a bridge that I had taken many times and to my left out the corner of my eye I saw movement. I turned to see two young deer sneaking into bushes. Right in front of me. By the time I reacted they were gone. And so I expect the same of all wildlife and I accept that. Squirrels are obscured (see above) or silhouetted or both. Birds wait until I aim and leave before I focus. Other things scurry. This Heron seemed to be going along the same same way- a mocker.

This is about as close as I usually get. That is zoomed and cropped and still not much more than a speck. Down by the David Livingstone Memorial Bridge is where the Heron usually hangs out. This photo is taken from the bridge down the water. Its the only place I have ever seen it. Sometimes its here on the Bothwell side but mostly is further down on the Blantyre side.

While the kids were at school my wife and I went for a walk from the bridge to Bothwell castle. I've never never done it before. I've been about halfway along it but that is as far as I was able to go. This time I almost got there. I was disappointed not to get all the way there but it is a long path and I did at least see it- above is what I saw. And that was good enough for me. Time was getting on and we had to get back to pick the kids up from school.

It was my wife, as usual, who spotted the Heron while I was looking at something insignificant. I was quite a bit away and over the other side of the water so I knew it would take me a good minute or so just to get the shortest distance to it and even then we would be separated by a river. It seemed to be on the look out for something. It was on land just walking about and having a look as far as I could see. My worry was as always that by the time I got there it was gone. Birds seem to have a 6th sense for that type of thing. I have thrown a hundred curses in their direction just as they have flown out of sight as I fumbled with my camera.

This time though I got it. Not great but I got something. I tried to be as quiet as possible and move with as little movement as was possible. Oh how I longed for one of those big whopper lenses the wildlife guys use. Oh to be a photographic sniper and not have to do that dance. But I did dance and I did get it as I said. I felt I could get more but I was forgetting the big body of water in between and my lack of ability of walk on it was that was as close as I was getting.

And then it flew away. That was something I could have gotten had I been better prepared but believe it or not I was actually seeing how close to the water I could get without falling in thinking that it would somehow make a difference- like when I was chasing the moon. Of course it didn't help and it flew away and that was that.

Last night we decide to for a drive and ended up at Calderglen Country Park again. It gave us the opportunity to walk the last remaining path we had not walked and that proved to be a good choice as it was an enjoyable walk by the river with a few waterfalls and plenty of cascades. But straight away before we even got on the walk we passed the fire pond and I saw something. I had to look up what a fire pond was. It sounds like something fantastic and in an odd way it is- if you have a fire. It is a ready means of water to suppress a fire. Anyway I spotted something in the pond and pointed it out to my wife. She looked as her eyesight is way better than mine and she said: its a Heron.

As long as it didn't move I was going to get very close. Probably as close as I could possibly get without scaring it off. The fact it was behind a fence would help even if it was just a little wooden fence. That is what I hoped. I hoped it would not fly off before I got a shot. It didn't. To my surprise it stayed and I got a few shots. All good? Not all good. It had started to rain and light went with it. Its not a great photograph but its as good as its going to get for me with my limited rescources and I will tick Heron off the list.

Low Parks Museum

Owing to the May Day holiday yesterday we decided to all go out somewhere for a drive. My oldest daughter though had been at her friend's at the weekend and they had gone with her friend's mum to the Low Parks Museum in Hamilton. She suggested we go there. I had no idea what lay in store but I'd never been before and so decided it might be worth a look.

Or had I been before? Not ever to my knowledge but I had a weird feeling of deja vu at one point. The man inside (no idea what you would call him) kidded the kids that if they were noisy they would be dropped down the well and pointed to a glass cover on the floor. That rang a bell with me. Still not sure though if I had been there before or have been somewhere with the same thing. 

So what is this museum? I'm no expert but it appeared to me to be a museum dedicated to all things Hamilton and very interesting it was too. There was a lot of old police uniforms and accessories upstairs, a loom downstairs and an old fire engine. There was a floor dedicated to the Cameronian regiment with stories on display and medals and interactive computers to learn more as well as videos playing. Lots of interesting things about the Mausoleum and Hamilton Palace. In fact far too many things to mention. What was really amazing was that it was all free. A really good place to go if you are ever in the area.

We ended the tour with a cuppa in the upstairs cafe. That was good but a little strange too because I felt more anxiety there than anywhere else in the museum. Logically it doesn't make sense. Elsewhere I was walking so active and obviously therefore becoming fatigued and breathless. I was up higher and down lower. I was further from the exit. But it was sitting there with a cuppa I felt most anxious. Sitting down I have time to reflect. That is never a good thing. I rushed the cuppa and cursed the fact it was a pot and so had just over 2 cuppas worth to use up. If I am honest I would say every time I have a cuppa I never enjoy it. Its also why I never eat out- or rarely.

That was that or that was the plan. I had though become very relaxed by the time we left and the family were up for a walk. There are plenty of paths from the museum to go walking along. You can in fact walk straight into Strathclyde park from there. So we walked and we walked. We walked past the mausoleum and we walked past Strathclyde park and we walked along a busy but beautiful woodland path. We walked and walked but it never ended. If we had kept going we would have ended up at Chatelherault. We didn't though. As much as I have improved there comes the time when I find my new limit. My wife and the kids could have gone on and I think they wanted to go on but I had already gone beyond my comfort zone. Such is the way that so much good ends tinged in disappointment.

I will not beat myself up though. That was forgotten about quickly and we all had a good day out. But it did end with some disappointment anyway unfortunately. The youngest two had a good time rolling down a hill but it all came to an abrupt end when we realised the boy had rolled in something not so good which  left my wife cursing dog walkers not picking up after their dog. Strangely this led to me and and a half dressed boy in a toilet in a Sport Centre as  I washed down the trousers I had taken off him. The wife and girls meanwhile had gone back for the car. It was a bizarre twist in a way because I was at he mausoleum and decided to take a walk through the woodlands around it and stumbled upon an outside toilet. Long abandoned but strange to see one all the same as its years since I have seen an outside toilet. Had it been close it had I could have taken the boy in there instead.  Another bizarre coincidence is I was just thinking about outside toilets a couple of weeks back after learning there used to be one a few streets from where I stay.

All in all though a good day. A different day. We do the drives and we do the walks but yesterday was a bit of a mix of both as well as something new. More days like that please.

New Lanark

The road to New Lanark is narrow and winding and long and seems to take forever. Its not the best kind of road for the agoraphobic. When I asked my wife if it was possible to take the motorway back home it was the first sign of desperation. I should have seen what was coming. And when she replied that it was not possible the panic consumed me. All the old feelings and images. With regards to the latter its like a map showing where I am and where home is and the distance and then things that can go wrong and lots of other distance related things. While this images race through my mind I start to tremble and my breathing gets shallow. Everything gets too bright and I cannot focus. The need to escape consumes me and the alarm in my head is deafening. That is the state I was in. It felt like the card was shrinking in on itself and the road behind us was growing and becoming congested. The plea to turn around immediately was on my lips but would not come out.

Disappointment. The fear of failure. Failure in the face of others and in my own mind. That fear. I should have seen this coming. It was almost a year ago that I found myself out and unable to return. Well out of my comfort zone and stuck there. Although I got through it still have a massive negative impact in the month or so after it. The same sort of thing happened a couple of weeks ago and since then the panic has been flaring again like it had never eased. We were out at East Kilbride and I had agreed to go for a beer. As we were going in though my wife decided it might be a good idea to get the kids a meal while we were there. I was against it though as I had no idea how long that would take and did not want firstly to be stuck there until it was ready and eaten but also I didn't want to become the source of their disappointment.  So I said no and my wife was not happy. This led to guilt, panic and once again being stuck out in panic with no way home. Again I got through it but wave after wave of adrenaline fills the body and for a good time after panic seems to trigger more easily as a result.

So that was the state yesterday. I should have seen it coming and in truth knew deep down it was coming but i did it anyway. And i got through it as I said but it was not enjoyable and its the worst panic I have had in a long time. Its a reminder that I need to get back to CBT again. I have abandoned it for a long time because to be honest the panic had died down to such a low level. Everything has been going as the course said it would. I have been going through panic and this has stopped me fearing it as much and as that fear has lessened the panic has come less frequently and less intensely to the point where mostly I was not bothered by it. Since that night though its been back as strong as ever. I need to get back to the CBT and keep going. The only plus point is I have not let it hold me back but this is only a good thing if I am not re-enforcing fear every time and that is soemthing I could possibly be doing.

I did get to New Lanark though which is where we were headed. Unusually for me I did not plan ahead but it was a spur of the moment thing. We went out for a drive to break up the day and my intention was somewhere local. Quickly it changed to there and I had no idea of the journey or the distance. The panic hit a few miles from there and continued even when leaving. The strange thing is though from starting to it eventually going I travelled on to New Lanark and spent about 15 minutes or more walking about. Were it not so cold and were it not so late I would have walked more. But I did all this in the manner the CBT teaches. That is to say I did not try to blank it out or tense up against it but just allowed it to rage while I got on with what I wanted  to do. This is the fear part. I cannot change the sensations and the thoughts and everything else attached to panic but I can change my reaction to it and that was just to achknowledge it and let it be knowing it would die down. In all it was about 30-40 minutes it went on but it ebbed and flowed in that time.

New Lanark. Because we went on a whim we did not prepare. I wanted to see the Falls of Clyde and I did but only from afar. We had gone in a wrong entrance and it was only after we were home I realised the correct way in. It was a strange experienced. Maybe it was the panic or maybe not but the sheer drop was making me feel a bit weird. It just felt like I was falling forward. I didn't let it deter me though. As the other went back to the car I went with my youngest daughter in tow in search of the old burial ground and found it. I have to say at this point there was no panic. I was completely calm and it did not flare up again until we were leaving. Its just a shame we were viewing everything from afar. I have seen photos of the area during the day when populated and at ground level but we were alone up on high. Definitely a place I will return to but to be honest I am not sure it will be any time soon.