Mars

Oh I know its a crap image but my little compact camera isn't powerful enough for capturing planets. Still that is no excuse for not being able to focus but after taking over 40 shots none were very good. Its quite an amazing view up here though tonight. After a snow fall today the night has a clear sky. Tonight is the biggest moon of the year an not only that but along side it you can see Mars. I just wish I could post what my naked eye can see but such is life. Hopefully some of you will see it where you are- if you like that sort of thing.

I could look at the sky for hours on end. There is something very relaxing in cloud formations- for me anyway. Its just such a vast everchanging body relatively undisturbed by man and allows you to see just how small and insignificant we are. Tonight though it is Mars that looks insignificant next to that big moon face, such is perspective.

Panic and fatigue

It's like this: I know the external threat is internal but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with or understand but instead I grab at my neck which is only an initial response to a longer thought process which would have me tearing off every layer of skin and bone to delve beneath the bloody mess and grasp this anxious jumping bean which has been a-bounce bouncy bouncying about and grab it, crush it, smash it and kick it all the way to Timbuktu in a fit of fury until I am sure it has gone forever. And that begins and concludes my Kerouacesque analogy of agitation, deep breath. Restlessness is swinging me and shaking me at a time I would much rather just flop on a comfy surface. That is anxiety and again I am back in that dark place where the demons dance, prod, slap, scratch, bite and with shrill high pitched screams refuse to leave me alone. I'm sick to the back teeth off it to the point I want to vent my fury on something but the demons are inside. It will pass and I don't know why but I feel it is about to pass soon. This prolonged bout of illness frequenting the family home is no doubt the source of this current angst, agitation, tiredness and depression.

It has been so long since my last long stay in the confnes of madness that I struggle to remember the old ways of coping. Incidents occur and pass but when they are again becoming the norm its difficult to keep hold of the few strands of sanity in my grasp. Its like the climb and continually losing your footing to the point where you realise you have been sliding to a quick descent and it is time to grip something and hold on before you descend any further down until the storm passes. I had to find distraction and I finally managed to find that in reading a Dr Weekes book. Immediately she knew why, even all those years ago, I couldn't find some solace anywhere else:

It will not be difficult for you to read this book: it is about you and your nerves, and for this reason you will read it with interest, whereas to read an ordinary book or newspaper may seem an impossibility...

Too true. The previous day I read a wonderful short novel named 'The Alchemist' by Paolo Coelho. It was no problem at all but as it resonated so much with possible aspirations I've had and was such a joy to read it might have helped. During this period of peak anxiety though I had to turn the laptop off because I could not concentrate and every magazine and book I picked up I dropped just as quickly because I found trying to read agitating. Not with Dr Weekes though. It was a subject I needed to read because I always used to read about the simplicity of anxiety when I was anxious as it seemed to bring clarity. Dr Weekes' books are old and certain terms need to be swapped in the mind, for example scary references to nervous breakdown or nervous illness are more likely today to be referred to as an anxiety disorder- I guess. But something always speaks to me in those simplistic words of her type no matter how archaic they are in comparison to today's language.

Synchronicity brought the book and my blogging reading together as I read for the thousandth time the process of how someone develops an anxiety disorder. You know the tale so there is no need for me to give anything other than a brief outline. Palpitations or some other some other natural sensation occurs out of the blue giving a person a fright. They wait for another and if it doesn't come they are fine. If it returns though then there is the basis for a disorder to develop because here starts the cycle. The person tenses up fearing the next attack which makes it more likely to happen and when it does happen the tension and adrenalin release make the experience more intense and the likelihood of another happening soon pretty much certain. This is the cycle. And at some point the sufferer goes to see his GP. For me a quick diagnosis is what everyone needs to have a chance of not developing a disorder because I do see why a lack of a diagnosis can lead people into a disorder and in my own case I am convinced of the fact.

At this stage the sufferer consults a doctor, who usually succeeds in reassuring him and banishing his fear...On the other hand, should the doctor, in an effort to reassure, make too light of the palpitations, the patient may stay in bed of his own volition...

According to the wise doctor this is a crucial point where the sufferer's future depends on the diagnosis and approach to relating that of the doctor. A bit of a lottery if you talk to a variety of people about their GP. But in my experience these two possible outcomes are rare. The usual outcome of this meeting is a misdiagnosis and far from reassuring they are sometimes more frightened. In my own case I can count at least five times that I visited the medical centre seeing a different doctor every time, my current GP was not there at the time. Not once did anyone even mention panic or anxiety. I got an ECG, nasal sprays, pills for balance, blood tests, swabs and probably other things forgotten by time. One thing I can remember though was the looks of disinterest in what I was saying, the lack of belief in what I was relating and the frustration I felt afterwards. In fact I remember the last time I went the doctor looked at me as if I was telling a tall story, sighed and then wrote me out an appointment for the blood tests which I'd had only a few weeks previously. I put it in the bin outside and never went back. At that time I had a steady job and could travel the country, 2 years later I was housebound.

Oh my I sound bitter and if I am honest I am. What is the point though? Its not going to change anything. I really should stop mulling that over. But it does make me laugh and angry too when I read how much mental problems are causing the NHS when there are, I know, a lot of people who wouldn't be in this position were they properly diagnosed in the first place. One doctor I had took my pulse and noted it was very fast. Of course it is, I told her, look how nervous I am. I was so nervous I could hardly stop fidgeting but she obviously didn't think that was of importance and I had no idea that my problems could have been mental rather than physical. Even now I am still trying to understand it.

Some years ago, when recuperating from an operation, I stayed with some friends who were planning a bush walk. 
They asked a young man to join us. It was not a long walk, they assured me, (but long enough for me I thought as I looked at his long legs). To my astonishment this big fellow soon fell behind and we frequently had to wait for him to catch up. At lunch he lay exhausted on the grass. Later he told me his story. For years, since his student days, he had had recurring spasms of intense panic, so that his life had become a nightmare. He was not afraid of anything in particular, only the feeling of fear itself, and this had become so intensified and exhausting that even that short walk had been too much. This man was eventually cured and able to lead a scientific expedition. I mention him because he was no weakling but a clever scientist in a responsible position. With help he recovered quickly, after having suffered for ten years.


For me this one paragraph was gold dust and I would have paid anything just for that confirmation. No medical person has told me this could happen and may be what was happening in my case. I've not seen it explained anywhere in the anxiety literature I have read. Even when I started frequenting forums and asked other agoraphobics if they had experienced this problem it took me months to find some one else as most have never experienced this or don't talk about it. This was a much needed path out of bewilderment for me to help me accept that my problem was probably not physical. I just needed that confirmation and I had found it- written 4 decades ago. When I read this the other day I had actually forgotten about it which is probably because my brain these days doesn't retain much. And again it gave me a comforting feeling as I was having the same doubts again. If I had known this 5 years ago then...more regrets.

All this reflection has taught me one thing. Happiness and peace are not to be found in the past but the lure of possibility lies ahead. Hope is a much better companion in the now than regret. It is time to let go of those feelings and look ahead. After reading some of the book yesterday I decided against my better judgement to go to the school with my wife which I did, for only the second time ever, and then we went to the shops after. This morning I took my son right into creche which I have never done before. None of these things were easy and I'm still feeling this heavy cloud of agitation over me but I know it will pass, and when possible I am not going to wait. On Sunday for the first time in about 4 months I didn't go out and around about that walks, and getting out in general, have been sparse. I'm determined to break that cycle as its just giving me more time to think- which is not a good thing.

Earache

I haven't been around too much for the past 4-5 days as I've had a bit of a bug kindly passed on by my young son but hopefully normal service will resume soon. Its one of these niggling little winter bugs with the usual symptoms that just won't seem to go but nothing to complain about. At the very least after about a week of being extremely poorly the boy is back to his old self again.

What is not so great though is an infection in the ear. These I've had before with my problematic right ear stretching back at least a decade. I am a great believer in letting nature run its course if you. Usually with time the body will sort itself out and take care of the infection. But not this time. Since arriving on Saturday it has evolved from minor irritation to severe pain. It would appear this wee strain of infection was a bit stronger than my old immune system was used to. There may also be another reason for the infection, caused by my own stupidity, but I'll blog about that another time.

After a night of virtually no sleep I got up with terrible pain. In bed I couldn't lie on the sore side and on the other side there was such a pressure on the ear that it felt uncomfortable too. While we got the kids ready for school my anxiety levels were increasing due to the pain and for once in the winter mornings I had to open the windows because I was boiling hot and sweating. Agitation followed and when my wife came back from the school run she called the doc.

A waited a couple of hours for the doc to arrive but he never did. In that time I was getting really apprehensive and on the verge of panic. It was like so many times before when an arrival was imminent but I had to call off at the last minute. Thankfully though the doc thought a diagnosis over the phone would suffice and agreed with my own. So later on tonight I'll get a course of antibiotics and that will hopefully be that. In the meantime I must just put up with the pain which has eased a little since getting up.

On the positive side its not stopped me getting out even if it is only around and about at the moment. The ice has finally disappeared and the path is no longer an accident waiting to happen so it is good to go for walks without that fear. I've not been in the car for a while though which is going to be hard again I feel but I will start that soon.

Up the bridge

Haven't had much to blog about this past week to be honest and that trend continues but I felt the need to post something at least in case people had thought I'd fallen off the side of the planet. Its hard to describe things at the moment. Its like I'm still waiting for the year, decade, to begin and in the meantime the monotony of a life that is the same each day fills the gaps with no promise of anything new on the horizon. The turn of the year was not a time where I made plans for the future, just more firefighting in the year ahead and maybe that is why I have become very irritable with the kids and lacking in any material to blog about. When I go out with my camera all I see are the same things I have taken many photographs of previously. At home its the same noise and tantrums. There is something lacking. Something that I must find myself. A little bitty thing to give me the spark to propel myself into life instead of pushing my way in to it with no purpose.

Anyway I think that is what catapulted me out the door tonight. Things coming to a head and the need to just be somewhere different. An hour before I went out I had already tried taking my oldest daughter and made it just past the end of the street before losing my rag. She insisted on taking a toy High School Musical mp3 player with her and cried and threw fits and all else when the headphones kept falling out her ears to the point where I had enough and sent her home on her own. From behind a bush I watched her sulk all the way to the door and slip inside while trying to bring my stress levels down. Then realising I was already defeated I followed her lead. I should say that this is a culmination of factors. The boy has been very ill and for the last few days I've been ill as well as pulling some buggering muscle in my neck while the girls have found an attitude that doesn't blend well with my mood and as much as I know it does me no good to blow my top I do it on instinct.

An hour or so later I had calmed down enough to head back out on my own. I had a couple of routes in mind and chose to go down the nearest one which seemed logical. In my mind I had a photo- that old chestnut again. And as any regular reader has come to expect what I had in mind never quite came to fruition but the small jaunt was worth more than any digital image. And that photo was of a passing train at night and to do that I would have to get trackside.

In terms of distance I'd chosen the closest route but hadn't actually thought it through. The other two routes were straight forward. When I got to my destination, above, I realised I'd have to climb up. Not good for me at the best of times but less so in the snow on a very steep incline. And I should just say that just as I approached the bridge a train passed and I realised also that I should have looked on the web to get train times. Anyway I attempted to climb and fell back down a few times making lots of groaning sounds and a bit of a fool of myself. Grabbing branches I tried to keep as even a keel as I could and eventually made the mount but not without some difficulty. At the top that should have been that after I had pushed my way through more low hanging branches but it wasn't.

Now for the anxiety part. I was there. All I needed to do was wait but I can't wait. Not only that but I had a growing feeling of paranoia. Were there people about here watching me? Probably not and the silence begged to differ but I couldn't rid myself of the feeling- some weirdo climbing up slopes with a camera. Then there were the few houses in close proximity which would not have been used to anyone being outside their home in the dark and never mind making such a noise scrambling up a bridge. What would any of them think if they looked out of their window? Would they call the police? And on top of that the growing paranoia was causing growing panic to the point where I could hardly hold the camera to take some test shots in the dark to get the correct exposure. I got the tripod out, a little gorillapod which is a godsend, and mounted it but even then I was starting to shake. Ridiculous but the feeling was very real. As always the overriding feeling was of where I was in relation to home and the things that could stop me returning there and that it might be a slog to get back and also whether the tension caused by anxiety would allow me enough air in my lungs to make it.

To cut a long story short I stayed longer than I thought I could and actually passed into a kind of calm. You may think I went through panic which would be something to celebrate but I did not. I guess this is why I cannot see that happening any time soon. I calmed and managed to compose myself but the threat was still ever present and rather than being able to fully relax I was fighting the next attack off. I waited all of 5 minutes which doesn't sound much, and on reflection I wish I had stayed longer now, but it was more than I expected. Part of my mentality thinks that I have a job ahead so might as well get it over and done with. No train passed by but I did at least get some photos to prove I was there.

When when I was finished I went full tilt on my backside down the slope at speed grabbing at branches which should have been a cause for embarrassment but for some reason I found myself lying flat on my back in the snow laughing to myself in the partial dark and eerie silence. It was a very strange feeling but good, almost primitive, and it was only when walking home and passing two people going in the direction I came from that I realised I might have felt different had I looked up to see a couple of eyes staring down.

Anyways, all good and a much needed diversion tonight which for a small time gave me some peace. Despite the perceived threat standing on the bridge waiting for a train to come there was something very peaceful about being on my own in silence with no one, I could see, around. It was a feeling part of me wanted to hold on to but the anxious part was jumping up and down banging cymbals vigorously to distract me. I didn't get the shot I wanted but that can wait for another night and is an excuse to go down again- though not too often or the residents down there will be suspicious. At the very least at a time I have been struggling to get out it has at least got me out and will do again.

Snow and Ice

The thing I like best about this time of year is standing at the window and watching people fall over. Not something you should happily admit or readily give without the prompting of an inquisitor but there you are. What I don't find fun is being on the other side of the pane slipping and a sliding. Its been hard of late trying to keep upright but today was awful. On a small walk around the block I counted 7 separate times where I nearly ended up on my backside. Its not pain I'm worried about- though I'm quite sure the solid ice surface won't provide a very soft landing- its the embarrassment. As someone who prefers to blend in rather than stand out the fall is at the forefront of my mind. So far I've had just the one fall which luckily no-one saw.

It has though not stopped me getting out as much as the dread is increased. In fact I've been getting out more than expected despite this period of high anxiety and shattered nerves. It got me thinking yesterday. This blog has been great for me. I do appreciate all the help and encouragement I have had over its time as well as the words of wisdom. For me though it takes a while for the penny to drop whereas with others realisations seem to connect almost instantly. One such realisation was something offered last year by someone but I cannot remember who- only that they do not post regularly. The person said that it is important to try each day even if you don't manage to follow it through to its conclusion or words to that effect. I could sort of see it at the time but now I see it crystal clear and it is so apt for my situation. The reason I say my own situation is that no matter how alike alot of our situations are there are always variations. For some trying each day is not the answer and instead building for a single event.

This period has been good for seeing my situation more clearly. There are different kinds of anxiety and one of those is general anxiety- that anxiety which is always there in the background. It doesn't rise and fall over minutes and hours but instead days and weeks. Up until Christmas time I'd had about 6 months of mostly lower than normal general anxiety which I feel allowed me to get out. When that anxiety is high, like now, it takes very little to set it into panic. You can feel it there constantly and when its stuck on high I do think it can lead to things like agitation, depression or some other manifestation of inner turmoil. When that anxiety was lower it was a lot easier to try going out each day. Its harder in that period to see why you were not doing it before.

It is not so easy however when general anxiety is high and you know within yourself that in each situation you put yourself in their is a high probability of panic. That alone is enough to stop a person trying because they know what they are going to get and its not a nice existence getting those sensations every time for a prolonged period. But I now see in my situation I have to keep trying because I have proved to myself in the last couple of days that it doesn't always goes bad. Sometimes it still does but occasionally it doesn't. The reason though it is important for me is that if I don't get out then my mental state will deteriorate as it was starting to do over the holidays.

What I have also learned, again in my situation only, is that my outlook is shifting intentionally. No longer am I looking to congratulate myself for a new achievement like getting somewhere new or even just repeating something again that I couldn't do 6 months ago. Now it is all about taking contentment in trying each day. And with that also I am not whipping myself for not carrying things through if I can't- the symptoms of panic do enough of that without me adding to it. Each day try to get out regardless of how I am feeling and when out if I can't go far and have to turn back then at least I've tried- that is the positive I take. If I hadn't had this change then I think I would have started going backwards. Already I was starting to put things off for fear of panic. For example I refused to go to my daughter's nursery and yesterday I didn't fancy it either because I was feeling so jittery but I tried it, did it and done it again today. I might not do it tomorrow but I will try. And if I don't then I will sit at home berating myself. Most importantly though it does not matter how much or how little but just something.

So that's my little realisation which seems to be working for now. I haven't been walking far of late but this week despite these slippery surfaces and the fear of starring in my own slap stick comedy sketch my walks have increased because I am trying to get out without pressurising myself. Meanwhile the weather hasn't been getting any better. Today is the coldest so far. My wife tells me it was -13 in the car today- she has become obsessed with the temperature in the car which has replaced her recent obsession with fuel prices at garages. There is no sign of the paths being gritted nor anything but the main roads. The overnight cold has really frozen the paths this morning and it is like a skating rink. It looks inviting but at the same time it holds fear but must be trodden.