In the clouds

Credit to the oldest daughter at the start of the week who despite being ill insisted on going to school and felt better for it when she came home- looked better too as in the morning she did look poorly. But her younger sister didn't get the choice this morning. We couldn't get her out of bed to begin with and she looked ghastly when we did plonk her down to her cereal. Despite being hungry she just couldn't eat and when I felt how hot she was I decided there would be no school today. I suppose its to be expected when the kids go back to school having avoided the bugs over the holiday period. We've all had a bit of this and that this week as I am sure most parents have.

After a week almost of not having to have the heating on except for in the morning so the kids don't get up to school in the cold it was a return to burning notes again today. What a contrast to yesterday. The clear blue skies were hidden, as was most of the world, behind a blanket of mist. It wasn't until I went for a walk that I realised just how dense it was. I couldn't even see the road at the bottom of my street and only passing headlights and the noise of engines allowed me to know they were there. Also a bit of a shock was just how cold it was. Later my wife had a hospital appointment out of town and when she came back at midday she reported it was -6 in the car. A freezing fog.

I though quite liked it. It gave me the cover to get the camera out and start taking some photos while wandering about. It did though feel strange because it could really have been any time of day. It was timeless. I think I wouldn't mind living in the clouds at all.

On the road again

Its the second week of going for drives after a 2 month absence due to the weather of late and the conditions of the roads- some big holes in the road now, lots of craters needing filled. As such it wasn't easy to get back out again. My wife beckoned me out of my shell for a couple of days with me refusing before I finally relented late last week. Still can't get this stupid thought about breaking down out of my head.

So today we went out again at midday with me as always leading the way out taking the boy by the hand and my wife following behind. This time with a black bin bag. What's that for? The tip, was the reply. No chance to argue. I hate stopping but said nothing. When we got to the tip I tensed up when we stopped as expected. Well then get the bag chucked, she said. And why not? It took less than a minute and because I didn't get that imagine of the map in my head of "You are here" and "you live there" and the chasm in between I didn't panic.

Next we were at a small shop where without warning she stopped and said she had seen some things for the boys birthday so was popping in to get them. No more than 5 minutes it took. Mentally I was batting away every black thought that came flying my way and battering it far but not far enough that it disappeared but instead slowed, turned and came right back. Soon enough though we were on our way...

...to another shop. This time for a couple of things she needed to get for supper. Again no warning, no doubt she remembers what I said about my problem with apprehension. As I got my mental bat out she told me there was a bottle of water in the boot and the squooshers needed topping up. So I did that which passed the time. Then she was back as I was putting the bonnet back down and she headed for the passenger window with a request I drove us back home. I did.

But there is, for me at least, a problem with commitment. I decided to drive, or agreed to. As soon as I started off I started to get highly anxious at the thought of driving. No turning back. I'd stepped over the line and had to see it through and that thought was eating at me. Last year I drove 6 times and all under a mile. We were out of town, not far out of town. The last of those drives was in September with 4 of the 6 being in the first 3 months of the year. I wanted to stop and change seats but I had to keep going. I didn't really take much in. The signs flew by unnoticed and my wife kept having to tell me to drop the speed. And pretty soon I ended up behind this stupid spreading vehicle moving at 5 mph across the entrance to a quarry works or some sort of thing spreaying water on the ground to remove the building dirt from trucks and lorries going in and out. That is when I started to panic. Time was moving too slowly. In the opposite direction I could see nothing coming because it was on a bend and the traffic was starting to queue up behind me. Three minutes seemed like three hours and I just about kept a lid on it before I was off again. Plain sailing thereafter.

I needed that today. I need more of it. It even effected my walks later when I walked further than I have for over 3 months. And this was after a terrible morning like many I have had of late which have become the habit born of a cold winter stuck indoors. It doesn't turn all that around but it brings some temporary relief which maybe in many doses might, should, have a better long term effect. Certainly better than it has been and it was good to see my wife look so happy again. Though I didn't bow to every wish. When I noticed her heading for another town I got her to pull out of it. Not yet, but soon. In the scheme of things its not much but relatively for me its a step in the right direction.

Roadkill

"Mummy, was that daddy that nearly got knocked down there" my oldest girl asked. My wife was oblivious. I found this out later.

Something really bizarre. I don't dream regularly but have been noting them down and the last was 15 days ago. The contents are not needed but in a strange order I had this dream, got up, wrote it down, the girls got up, told me they had nightmares and when my wife got up the first thing she told me was she had had this disturbing dream. No content connection but so strange, maybe, that we all had some dream/nightmare on the same night. Its a rare occurrence for dreams to be mentioned at all in out home.

My own dream was totally strange. Too strange to describe in full. In the first at one point I met my aunt and uncle who I had not seen for years. They looked ill and I see where this came from because the phone went yesterday and as I didn't recognise the number so I didn't answer it. On checking google the area code is where they live in the South East of England and I thought maybe something was wrong. So that crept into my dream but in a creepy way because I asked them in the dream if all was OK and they were very cagey before bursting into song in the street and this went into a pub and these pensioners started throwing people across tables with smiles on their faces while singing and slapping others about the chops after a high note. A bit 'Clockwork Orange'. Oh very bizarre.

I digress though. In the first dream I was at one point with my son and he ran away from me straight on to the road with cars flying this way and that. It was terror I felt but he was OK. In the second dream I had a different son and my inlaws were in it but not family any more and again this child of the same age ran onto the road between speeding cars but this time he was hit. And as I got to the car I found a child OK and my own son lying out cold with his leg bent in the wrong direction. Time for action you would think but I was all of a sudden consumed my panic and had the urge to run as I couldn't face waiting for an ambulance. It was a realisation of my state in real life and in the dream I had two weeks ago the same thing happened. I was about to run off and leave him when I woke. A shameful act even in a dream but a state of mind rather than reality.

So that aside I was out a few times today with my wife and the boy in the pram as usual- he is in it more so at the moment as the surfaces are still icy. In fact this morning the surfaces were unbelievable as the door got chapped and I went down to find a neighbour asking if I could phone her a taxi as she had planned on walking her kid to school but she had fallen twice just trying to get out the street. And as I looked around I saw kids of all ages on their way to school tentatively trying to keep their balance and a few ending up flat on their back. It was the most bizarre sight yet they all had smiles on their faces. All getting into the spirit of falling.

Late on my wife took the kids out for the girls' gymnastic class but this time let the boy walk. Not that a dream should matter but the I told her to keep a tight grip on him as the dream apart he has run away from me a few times. No problems. I went to meet them coming back and got to the traffic lights. Watching the lights I saw amber and looked at the wee man until he turned green. As I turned some idiot in a jeep-type vehicle cruised through the lights actually smirking to himself and looking in my direction like he was something special- where are the police when you need them. I won't repeat my words. I saw in the distance despite the darkness the heads of my family coming out the Sport Centre and making their way on the other side of the road. All other cars had some to a halt so I strolled across the road and was halfway across when I heard this almighty roar. It honestly was like something out of a movie. This transit van was flying. About a quarter of a kilometer away it went flying through the roundabout and instead of slowing was starting to speed up again. For a second I paused not sure what to do. Should I keep walking into the path of this speeding vehicle hoping it will stop or wait? In the latter I'd be stranded in the middle of the road as the lights don't stay on long.

Bugger it. I started walking again but this thing still had the foot down. Now last week a young girl was killed up north trying to cross the motorway and when they released her name my wife realised because of her name and the village she came from it was the daughter of a women she knew. And in discussions on this I told my wife that in the dark its harder to gauge distance and speed. This was on my mind when I started to step out into the path of this speeding van roaring my way. Without adding drama to it I got the scare of my life, ran the last few paces and jumped on to the kerb at the same time as I heard the screech of tyres as the van slid halfway on to the crossing. My legs were like jelly. I looked up but because of the street lamp couldn't see through the window. I saw though a car on the other side containing a women shaking her head and shouting something in the van's direction. Then as quickly as it had began the van was wheelspinning and then fired itself off down the road.

No harm done but I was a bit jittery for the rest of the night. It took a while to calm down. I couldn't believe my wife missed it but then she was contending with 3 kids at the time crossing another road. Its not the first incident at that set of traffic lights and its not the first incident at crossings in general around here. It is seriously starting to annoy me now. Why are people in such a hurry and willing to take such risks with other people to get to their destination quicker? I do honestly think its only a matter of time before someone gets caught out. That set of lights was installed because there is an old folk's home there and it is there only way across to get to the supermarket. What chance would some of them have had of getting out of the way? It really does eat away at me. People just seem to be willing to take risks to get somewhere quicker and will worry about consequences later if it happens. I should start using the movie mode on my camera more and start catching some of these idiots.

A new year

It feels like new year's eve. Tomorrow the girls go back to school for their first full week with all that great homework to look forward to later. My wife starts her first day shift at work which means I have 5 hours minding the boy and trying to keep my eyes off the clock and my mind out of the shadows. But as its a new year unwritten maybe there is a chance of better times ahead- a chance at the very least. Over the weekend we had some snow followed by a short mild spell to melt most of it away and then a cold snap to freeze what remained. The roads are fine but the paths are like a skating rink again so walks are a problem. I preferred the snow scape and the white blanket hiding this rotten drab old town instead of partially cloaking it as it is now.

My wife pointed something alarming out to me tonight and that was that the boy has not been out of the house since new year's eve- the official one. The night we tried without success to set off some paper lanterns only to find ourselves jumping amid the flames of burning wrecks with two dejected faces in the background and one little boy running about crazy in the cold and dark oblivious to it all. I need to remedy that so I will take the boy out tomorrow and for the rest of the week. I think though it was a hint to take him over to the creche but not at the moment I'm afraid. Anxiety, ice and a little boy temper with a tendency to run off means not tomorrow at least.

What I have realised over the past few weeks is how this time of year for me is not a good one at all- or at least I let it be that way. A noisy disturbing cocoon of short lived light that I can't wait to break out of. Its a time of being stuck indoors with noise and general continual stress. Very little daylight hours and my few ventures outside have been in the black mostly. Nothing conducive to a bright mood but now opportunities arise and with that a chance to lift the mood. One thing is for sure and that is that staying indoors however better in some respects in a self preservative way is not helping and so I must get out there as much as I can. It needs a plan and I'm working on that at the moment to fill the day with things which are pro-active.

Lately I've been mulling over more and more this internal dialogue. Its the root of all my problems. At some point the balance of power shifted. Sometimes the only way I can escape it is through distraction but that doesn't always work so instead I need to find a way to shift the balance back. There was a time when I heard but now I cannot help listening. It is the voice of doubt and the source of terror where I rationally know there is nothing to be scared of other than what I am listening too. It is the voice of experience which takes all those bad pasts and presents them as overwhelming evidence. Yes, were I to pull the zip along the lips of that voice there would be no anxiety but how to? That is the question. More work needed facing it maybe instead of running away into whatever distraction I can find.

Maybe there is something in mindfulness. I've always felt there was but struggled with the application of it. Doesn't it make sense? If you can train your brain to focus on this moment as it really is without judging then wouldn't that help? In essence you would be stopping the mind being in the past, memories, or the future, anxiety. But more than that I think if you could train the mind to focus then it would help because I don't know about anyone else but my anxiety starts as soon as the mind is pulled into the past or future without me realising it until its too late. For example the fear of consequence based on past events stops me doing things I would do were it not for that fear and fear of what is going to happen based on passed events brings its own apprehension, tension. Or maybe 'training' is the wrong word. Maybe its spending time with the mind from a different perspective and finding a way to find peace with it which is not undermining but instead empowering. At the moment it is domineering which is really what the problem is and I must find a way to gain control back again in whichever way works.

Well its a new year and hopefully a better one for us all. I hope there are some joys ahead to write about here and to read about elsewhere. God, maybe even a reason there to get excited. I hope so.