In the clouds

Credit to the oldest daughter at the start of the week who despite being ill insisted on going to school and felt better for it when she came home- looked better too as in the morning she did look poorly. But her younger sister didn't get the choice this morning. We couldn't get her out of bed to begin with and she looked ghastly when we did plonk her down to her cereal. Despite being hungry she just couldn't eat and when I felt how hot she was I decided there would be no school today. I suppose its to be expected when the kids go back to school having avoided the bugs over the holiday period. We've all had a bit of this and that this week as I am sure most parents have.

After a week almost of not having to have the heating on except for in the morning so the kids don't get up to school in the cold it was a return to burning notes again today. What a contrast to yesterday. The clear blue skies were hidden, as was most of the world, behind a blanket of mist. It wasn't until I went for a walk that I realised just how dense it was. I couldn't even see the road at the bottom of my street and only passing headlights and the noise of engines allowed me to know they were there. Also a bit of a shock was just how cold it was. Later my wife had a hospital appointment out of town and when she came back at midday she reported it was -6 in the car. A freezing fog.

I though quite liked it. It gave me the cover to get the camera out and start taking some photos while wandering about. It did though feel strange because it could really have been any time of day. It was timeless. I think I wouldn't mind living in the clouds at all.

A new year

It feels like new year's eve. Tomorrow the girls go back to school for their first full week with all that great homework to look forward to later. My wife starts her first day shift at work which means I have 5 hours minding the boy and trying to keep my eyes off the clock and my mind out of the shadows. But as its a new year unwritten maybe there is a chance of better times ahead- a chance at the very least. Over the weekend we had some snow followed by a short mild spell to melt most of it away and then a cold snap to freeze what remained. The roads are fine but the paths are like a skating rink again so walks are a problem. I preferred the snow scape and the white blanket hiding this rotten drab old town instead of partially cloaking it as it is now.

My wife pointed something alarming out to me tonight and that was that the boy has not been out of the house since new year's eve- the official one. The night we tried without success to set off some paper lanterns only to find ourselves jumping amid the flames of burning wrecks with two dejected faces in the background and one little boy running about crazy in the cold and dark oblivious to it all. I need to remedy that so I will take the boy out tomorrow and for the rest of the week. I think though it was a hint to take him over to the creche but not at the moment I'm afraid. Anxiety, ice and a little boy temper with a tendency to run off means not tomorrow at least.

What I have realised over the past few weeks is how this time of year for me is not a good one at all- or at least I let it be that way. A noisy disturbing cocoon of short lived light that I can't wait to break out of. Its a time of being stuck indoors with noise and general continual stress. Very little daylight hours and my few ventures outside have been in the black mostly. Nothing conducive to a bright mood but now opportunities arise and with that a chance to lift the mood. One thing is for sure and that is that staying indoors however better in some respects in a self preservative way is not helping and so I must get out there as much as I can. It needs a plan and I'm working on that at the moment to fill the day with things which are pro-active.

Lately I've been mulling over more and more this internal dialogue. Its the root of all my problems. At some point the balance of power shifted. Sometimes the only way I can escape it is through distraction but that doesn't always work so instead I need to find a way to shift the balance back. There was a time when I heard but now I cannot help listening. It is the voice of doubt and the source of terror where I rationally know there is nothing to be scared of other than what I am listening too. It is the voice of experience which takes all those bad pasts and presents them as overwhelming evidence. Yes, were I to pull the zip along the lips of that voice there would be no anxiety but how to? That is the question. More work needed facing it maybe instead of running away into whatever distraction I can find.

Maybe there is something in mindfulness. I've always felt there was but struggled with the application of it. Doesn't it make sense? If you can train your brain to focus on this moment as it really is without judging then wouldn't that help? In essence you would be stopping the mind being in the past, memories, or the future, anxiety. But more than that I think if you could train the mind to focus then it would help because I don't know about anyone else but my anxiety starts as soon as the mind is pulled into the past or future without me realising it until its too late. For example the fear of consequence based on past events stops me doing things I would do were it not for that fear and fear of what is going to happen based on passed events brings its own apprehension, tension. Or maybe 'training' is the wrong word. Maybe its spending time with the mind from a different perspective and finding a way to find peace with it which is not undermining but instead empowering. At the moment it is domineering which is really what the problem is and I must find a way to gain control back again in whichever way works.

Well its a new year and hopefully a better one for us all. I hope there are some joys ahead to write about here and to read about elsewhere. God, maybe even a reason there to get excited. I hope so.