Merry Christmas

Like the calm after a storm I now sit alone with Christmas paper and abandoned presents strewn all over the place. The wife and kids have traveled safely the hour up north for Christmas with her family and will be back at the end of the week. So a quiet time. A time of silent contemplation.

Its been good looking through the Christmas photos on Facebook seeing friends and their family. Its been good conversing with people. There is a good feeling. I think most Christmas days past I have felt a little depressed to be alone but not this year. I think because its been a good year I feel in a much better mood during this period. So much so I have decided to give myself a week off without the fear that it will set me back. It doesn't mean staying in for the sake of it but only going out when I need to rather than pushing myself out the door 3 or more times a day. Just chill time.

Of course part of me wishes I was somewhere else and around family. This year I actually feel capable of doing it. In fact if it was just my wife and I then I would have tried it. I don't fear it like I have every other year for so long. I feel I can go. I feel I can do it. It does not mean I can but it is a big step in the right direction feeling I can try. I do not see those negative outcomes I usually do and these are what brings too much apprehension that leads inevitably to panic.

Why didn't I try? Its difficult with kids and with pets. With the latter they would have to be rounded up and loaded in carriers as well as getting litter trays, litter and food. It would be too much hassle to do that, get halfway up and maybe have to turn back and unload again then my wife would have the journey to start over again. That goes too for the kids. They were excited and it would be a shame firstly for them to have to turn back and again for my wife to have basically double the journey to do. But if it was just me and her it would be so much simpler. I actually thought about asking her if she would come back down on one of the days and try taking me  up but that again is an inconvenience. It would been 120 mile drive for her and someone else having to watch the kids for a few hours too.

No go but something to work to. We were talking about this a week ago saying if it was not for having to do the loft we could have tried drives up north while the kids were at school. Its something we will do in the new year. In fact a lot of drives as I have another appointment with the job centre which I will need to try going to before the middle of February. Also have to try going through to my parents as well.

Positive. All positives. Merry Christmas to one and all.

In the school

* A really crap blurry photo, I know. It would appear my phone camera is going the same way as my little handheld went. Trouble is I took a load of photos with it before looking back so not much I can do about it. The phone has taken a real soaking so expected I suppose.

Me and my youngest girl at the school. Inside the school. With my wife I got the girl changed for her Christmas party at the school in one of the rooms. Weird. Bags of presents behind me and to my left a long conference table with 14 chairs. The reason I know the number of chairs is I felt compelled to count them after my wife asked my daughter to sit down and she sat on the floor in her party dress. The way she takes things literally worries me sometimes. 14 chairs and she sits on the floor.

This is another achievement and good because I felt very little anxiety. Maybe even no anxiety. I was in there for about 15 minutes and could have stayed longer getting the kids dressed. Felt a bit awkard getting a photo taken but I need reminders of these steps forwards out of disorder. As I said above its just a shame the photo is such poor quality.

I am hoping soon, though after Christmas, to have a new phone. I got a new phone with a tablet last year but I gave the phone to the wife as she needed it more, she has claimed part ownership of the tablet and she put the SIM in another one of her "safe places" and it has not been seen since. So I have called the network and a new SIM should arrive before Christmas. My wife's phone contract was up in March so I am just waiting for her now to get a new contract and get either the phone she has now or the new one.

Its an important thing for me and could help me move forward. There have been times I have held back from going too far in case I get stranded- lost in panic. If I had a phone then I could at least call for help or a taxi. I probably would not need it but just to get over these hurdles to begin with it would be very useful. A crutch yet but a temporary one until I lose the fear completely.

Loft

For once in these recent years a sense of achievement. A week of doing something. Making use of myself. Activity. I feel physically shattered by it but it really has given me a lift in spirits. It feels like I am gettting there. It was a little like a week of unpaid work rather than unpaid sitting on my backside and that has got to be good for self worth. I know this is the sort of thing people do week to week and take for granted but its a big thing for me.

When my wife decided to get the loft insulated all I could think about was how full that loft is. Not only that but to get to the loft you have to go through the only cupboard we have which in a small flat with 3 children is of course full to the brim. And to top it all off there is just a small square gap to transfer stuff. The prospect of clearing the loft this week was not one that filled me with joy. The thought of being up the loft for long spells in cramped space in the damp with all that wet itchy old insulation. It had to be done.

And now it is done. It took all week. There was no way we could clear everything out the loft and cupboard and put it somewhere else. It meant going through everything and being ruthless. In total this week we have been to the tip about 8 times. It says a lot that these trips brought no anxiety at all. They were routine and yet not so long ago I could not even get there.

It did not pass without incident either. On Tuesday I was carrying an old microwave oven down the stairs and stood on a cat litter bag which has been left lying. Apart from the pain I had a moment of panic. My left leg went straight forward down the stairs while my right leg buckled behind me. As my back hit the stairs the microwave landed with a bang on my chest. I lay there for a couple of seconds feeling nothing but the fear that something was broken and the pain would come. Luckily it never came. It was just fear. I was a bit battered and bruised and still sore but nothing to worry about. Not helped it must say by a second fall yesterday. More pain. This time my legs just went from under me going down the stairs and I fell forward banging a knee off the floor and my shoulder straight into the edge of the front door. It would appear all that hunching across joists in the loft which had my legs shaking allied with being unfit had used up all the strength in my legs and they just buckled. And to top it all off my wife also fell down the stairs. I couldn't believe it. Straight after my first time I was loading the car with bags when I heard a crash and a black bag came rolling out the front door. I thought she was just throwing stuff down the stairs but when I went to the door and looked up she was sprawled on the stairs. Thankfully like myself only a little sore.

So it was a long week but looking back a good week. I feel I have earned a cold beer tonight after a shower to sit and relax. The loft guys have come and gone leaving new insulation and lots of danger signs. I must say though I was not expecting them to just put the new stuff on top of the old rotten stuff. I thought they would have taken that away. As a result its sitting up much higher than it was before and in the process they have covered the joists with it so its impossible to see where to stand. But its done. Its the start of a few changes for the better around the home which include new windows, a new boiler and at some point flooring the loft.

A good week. A very good week. Off now for a shower while that beer chills.

The Doctors

What a day. Got up covered in sweat yet again and feeling like a 100 year old with aching body and short on balance. I've been ill the past few days which happens this time of year but today a little better and that is something. Not great but better so hopefully a change of wind. Incredible day though.

It started with the school run which I have not done first thing in the morning for over a month. Feeling dodgy I was glad just to get through it. That is something. There was a time when it would not have happened after a few days lay off so to get one out the way was good for the confidence. We brought the youngest girl back with us because my wife was taking her to the medical centre for the child clinic owing to a suspected throat infection. I decided to go up in the car with them and once there decided to go in- for a little bit. I had no intention of staying the duration. We were there 15 minutes before it started, there were a number of people in the room and it was a first come first serve basis- turns out we were fifth in line. No way I was staying for that. The longer I sat though the more I started to build resolve to stay. It was not easy battling with the urge to flee. But I stayed. 20 minutes and as they were called I was about to head outside for some air when I suddenly got a different urge. I went with them. For the first time in over a decade I found myself in a doctor's room for a visit- not my visit. I was rigid. It was not easy at all but it was quick. Pity it was with a nippy doctor. She did not recognise not acknowledge me but I remember her as the one who dismissed my anxiety and refused to explain what palpatations were when I said I did not know at the time. Time had not mellowed her. She lectured my wife for not giving my daughter paracetamol for 3 days before bringing her in. But how is her throat, my wife asked. Extremely inflamed, she answered. Well? Give her paracetamol and if it gets worse then phone for an antibiotic. When my daughter gets a bad infection she screams the place down in pain, is distressed and on top of that an antibiotic takes time to work. Why not give her one there and then if its "extremely inflamed"?

From there we took the youngest to school. Into the foyer and finally back home. From there it was non-stop. The cupboard needed a clean out and on top of that I needed to fit in a long walk. Once we had the living room piled with stuff sorted out we took the rubbish to the tip. This almost ended before it began. I had an old microwave in a box and was carrying it down the stairs when I stood on a litter bag that had been left there and went crashing down the stairs on my back with a heavy microwave landing on my chest and my left leg bent behind me. For a second or so I was in sheet panic. There was no pain but I knew there would be as soon as I moved. I feared it would be bad and something had happened that would require medical attention. It was just sheer panic. Thankfully though I was battered and bruised but that was it. It will no doubt hurt more tomorrow but we got everything we managed to do and in and around it I managed to walk 5 miles.

On top of all that I managed to go to the supermarket and buy something I needed using the self service. That is a god send but even at that I could not have used it last year or the many years before. The first time I used it was for fireworks which turned out to be more complicated than I ever imagined and a panic fest. This time though it was no problem at all.

A very good day by my low standards. Progress. Step by little step moving forward and back into the world. Dipping my toe back into normality. Long may it continue. 

42

Today I turned 42 years old. In reality its just another day. I don't know if an anxiety thing or an age thing or a bit of both but time just passes and every day is the same as the last. I am alarmed some times when I look at the kids and think: where are my babies? The oldest is 10 years old and getting as big as her mum who at 5 ft 7 is not a short woman. So much just seems to pass me by and so little seems to sink in. I am a husband and father of three children and yet...I don't forget it but I don't seem to have fully clicked in with that reality.

Age is much the same. And birthdays. Cards, cake, presents and visitors. Yet it has not actually sunk in that I am a year older. Does it matter? Have I really changed since yesterday? Of course after our 21st birthdays don't mean as much. The final milestones. I guess deep down I am of the opinion that really for birthdays after that point to mean something they should be celebrated on each decade. Those "big birthdays". The big "X-0". That is the way to do it. I think they would mean something then and in between people could keep their cash for the kids instead of presents, cards and sometimes postage each year.

Society would not have that though. More celebrations and more often. Black Friday and all these new ones appearing. We must keep celebrating and spending. The more spend the more it means. Bigger and better and more unique. OK, I am a grumpy sod but if I ruled the world cards would be outlawed. I really don't see the point. Cards are easy, as well as expensive trash. If nothing else save the trees. When everything from films to financial transactions to music and games and all else is slowly moving to complete transparency lost in the electronic ether why are cards still around? Maybe its just a person thing. I would rather give my best wishes to a person face to face and failing the ability to do that then a phone call or, in this electronic age, Skype or Facetime or whatever else. A card costs more than a lunch to sit in someone's fireplace for a day and then is defunct. A short read and then binned. Postage- don't get me started.

Most infuriating of all though is late cards. Someone has gone to the trouble of shopping, spending money and paying postage for a card to come after the event. What use is that? A phone call will suffice. And bloody Royal Mail having the cheek to ask for payment on a shortfall because a card is a couple of inches bigger than it should be and this after the event- aye right! You know where you can stick that card. Yet someone has gone to all that effort and expense to send it.

Its more a pressure to do these things. Like at Christmas when the kids must send a card to everyone in their class. Its a labour for them. Not much of a cost but the whole things means nothing. Take the money they are all spending, put it together and instead of them sitting for a couple hours writing cards throw them a party with the funds. Given the choice in their unconditioned little minds I am sure they would prefer it.

Ah buggery. Its my birthday and here I am on a card rant. Not like me at all- well, maybe just a bit. I did have a good day even if it has not fully sunken in yet. I had some visitors too which was strangely more difficult than it has been for a while. I think because I am really pushing myself at the moment physically as well as mentally I am finding the fatigue very hard to deal with and so more anxious than usual.

But its been a good day and lost of cards. Yes those pesky cards. Only one stands out though. It was one my oldest daughter made herself. It means something. She did not have to make it as the kids gave me a joint card. She made it because she wanted to and so did it all herself from her own little imagination- not prepacked with words and images. And that to me means more.

Christmas Fayre

The town I live in has each year on the first day of the last month a Christmas Fayre. I've seen it from afar each year and tried to take photos from distance which has been to no avail. In sight but out of touch. Such has been my progress this year that I was not only able to go but spend an hour there- I could have lasted longer but to be honest boredom got the best of me.

I should though first get something out of the way. I know I am not the easiest to live with and if I bring it upon myself then fair enough. The night after Guy Fawkes night I had a fall out with my wife. I say fall out but it was more me losing my temper and her not to talking to me since. Its done and stays done. The point is I am now alone and the truth is this has been happening more and more and things disintegrate further and further. That is life. Maybe I am just one of those people who deals with living better on their own. Since then I am been very much alone but have also made unbelievable progress. I am happier and going places and my family are happy so its for the best.

My plan was to take the kids to the Fayre which would have been a big thing but it turns out their mum was already taking them. Awkward. I had to go and I was not going to let that get in the way of me going even if it was not in the way I hoped. So I went. The Fayre is about 50 stalls or so, burger vans, amusement rides, crowds and lots of loud noise. I won't say I enoyed it. I endured it. A strange thing really. Its not something I would actually have gone to if I was not the way I am. I would have avoided it like the plague years ago but I felt I had to do it.

I am glad though I did. The photo above is from a stage of people singing carols. They asked for volunteers and as I watched on I noticed my two daughters up on the stage. I stood alone on the periphery. Took some shots and eventually pushed through the throng to get more but nothing of note. The good thing is my daughters saw me. They knew I was there. They knew this year I was not sat at home while they were out having a good time. They shouted to me. They saw me there. And that means a lot. They saw me when I went through everyone and right up to the stage to take some photographs not caring whether the crowd behind me could see or not.

I felt I had achieved something. I stood and wandered around that place in the cold on my own for an hour and as I said above it was just really boredom that sent me home packing in the end. But I did it. And that is something. I feel I am moving in the right direction. And if I keep moving in this direction I can start to take control of all aspects of my life and do the best for everyone. That is all I want.

Holding on

I'm back doing my CBT after countless interuptions in the hope of recovering from panic disorder with agoraphobia. God that felt like the opening line at a meeting for adrenaline addiction. I hate labels. I am who I am- a bit broken and a whole lot wonky. With my text book screwdrivers I am taking my brain apart and trying to put everything back the right way to be "normal"- like you. This once again is the start of the process.

The good thing about this particular CBT course is that it always gives food for thought. It seems to always spark off little process in my mind. Socratic questions so to speak. The 24 hour detective in my head takes great delight in taking the theory and trying to match it up with my experiences over recent years and work towards some sort of verdict. Or is it the problem solver looking for a solution? Probably the latter actually. Whoever it is seems to keep poking me with new ideas anyway every time I do the CBT. This week I am back at the start learning all about panic and how it works. Shall I bore you with that? No, I think that would be cruel.

A poke on the cheek watching videos on the process of the fight or flight response. Or should I say fight, flight or freeze response. This variation is particularly enlightening in my case. I will get to that. A particular question has stuck with me way back to the lead up to my first full blown panic attack which left me agoraphobic from that point on: why when I feel like I am not getting enough air do I feel an involuntary response which is holding my breath and I cannot seem to break it? This goes back nearly a decade.

I remember sitting in the small room with the female GP and asking that very question. I remember asking the same question to at least two other GPs. Two situations stuck in my mind and prompted me to ask this. Whenever I did the shopping I would find myself getting out of breath on the walk there and by the time I got into the queue I felt I was not only getting no air but was actually holding my breath. The other situation was just coming in the front door and up the stairs. Most people who do come into the living room panting. That is how I felt I should be responding but again I seemed to be holding my breath. Stifling my breathing. Doctor: why do I stifle my breath when I should be panting for air? One look was mocking and the other two were dismissive. It was one of many times I asked questions to someone connected with the medical profession or mental health and got no response.

Sitting watching the videos the answer came. Fight, flight or FREEZE. Imagine there was a poisonous snake in front of you. You are not going to fight it and you are not going to run away. You are going to stand perfectly still. You will tense up rigidly in the hope of not moving. This all happens. And what else do you do? You hold your breath. This is what is happening. Its a fear response, not an abnormality.

In fact I should have noted it before. Involuntary holding of breath is actully nothing new. I have seen it in action here at home first hand. Whenever my wife watches anything like someone drowning or even a fish out of water she experiences the same thing. The only difference is it ends when the clip ends or she turns it over. I cannot turn it over. Is it dangerous? No. But it is scary which I experinence regularly first hand. The truth is out bodies are designed to protect us. When it comes to breathing it will allow us voluntary control to a point as long as we don't put ourselves in danger. Its quite brilliant. If for example we try to hold our breath too long it will force us to breath. If we are getting in the way of preventing normal breathing it can even make us pass out so it can regulate the breath undisturbed. When we sleep it keeps it going for us.

No danger at all, just scary. It is this difference that I am working to correct in my head at the moment. Easy to theorise about here with no problems. Not so much in the moment of panic.

Sitting at the road side

Sitting at the road side. A dual carriageway. Half a mile from home. Just sitting there. Despite cars going 60 mph upwards in both directions it was strangely peaceful. I felt I could sit there forever. Maybe it was because there was actually nobody there other than those passing in seconds in cars. Whatever the reason I just sat there at peace feeling good and may have stayed a lot longer than 10 minutes had it not been for the biting cold.

Not much but in my world it is. The ability to sit and wait and feel at peace for any length of time is a big thing for me. It felt good.

Halloween

As part of the Halloween festivities I was to be judge of the best pumpkin melon (Stuff tradition- pumpkins are a waste and melon is a treat for the kids as they hollow theirs out) competition among the kids. Given that I did not want to disappoint any of them I decided rather than best I would judge on best in category of which there were three I decided- scariest, best and most Halloweeny (Yes I know but as parents one perk is the allowance to make up your own words). I was also supposed to guess who made which melon face but despite the fact it was not hard to tell between the work of a 5, 8 and 10 year old the cheers on announcing each winner sort of gave it away. They all went away content though and full of melon.

The boy's one had rather clustered features a bit like his writing which is crammed into the smallest of areas. The bestly made (I can't help myself) was the oldest girl's of course so the youngest girl's fell somewhere in the middle. They later went on to the usual dooking for apples, blind man's buff and a rather unusual game my wife thought up of wrap the mummy which entailed a speed round of wrapping her head up in a large bandage. Not the best idea for someone who experiences claustrophobia- which she did with a head completely bandaged up. The kids enjoyed it though.

It did feel more like Halloween this year. We even had our first ever knock at the door. In true Halloween spirit we ignored it- bah, humbug! I have been going for my last walk of the day around six or seven at night but went earlier so as not to get accosted or look too out of place among the later guisers. It was strange. The only taste I get each year of Halloween, apart from indoors, is at the local supermarket bedecked in all its Halloween wares but walking around this year there were lots of decorations in windows of homes and doors and pumpkins in gardens. There were even guisers out with a parent at team time as I walked through the estates.

A shame the kids cannot go out though on such a night but later it mattered little as they were warm outside while it blew a gale of wind and rain outside. I think back to chapping doors when I was younger. Something they have never experienced. Maybe some day if all goes well and we find ourselves somewhere else they will experience it for themselves.

PH00

Last week was interesting. It stemmed from an incident with my daughter and turned out to drive me on- to some extent. A few months ago despite being told not to take her beloved Nintentdo 3DS to the bedroom she did so and subsequently sat on in- or dropped it, the stories are conflicting. The upshot was a broken screen and so virtually no 3DS. It has therefore been sitting untouched. Apart from the broken screen between the three children someone managed to change the parental lock to a code no one knows and a secret question no one knows the answer to which requires a phone call to Nintendo and too much palava to contemplate. Basically it was forgotten about despite its expense as another broken item discarded to the pile. That was until my daughter saw a game she simply must have- and either save for or ask santa for. But the game is no use without a workable device.

Given she broke the thing and I am trying to teach my children the value of things as they get things too easy thanks mostly to generous relatives I told my daughter if she wanted her 3DS fixed she would have to pay for it herself. She asked how much. So I looked I checked the Nintendo site. They have two prices depending on whether its a major or minor repair, the difference between the two is something they determine on receipt of the device. A screen? A major repair surely. Prices are £47.50 for a minor and £77.50 for a major. Oh dear, you better get saving then girl. That just about deflated her- an me to be honest. And even if the screen did one day get repaired there was still the parental lock to contend with which basically locks the console down making it almost unusable. Depressing for her.

Well I looked about and found you could buy replacement screens for £15 so I said if she wanted to buy one, with the endless pot of cash she always seems to have, then I would fit it. A job I volunteered for blindly- maybe stupidly. So she agreed and while we waited for the screen to arrive I found a way to unlock the parental lock without the need to deal with Nintendo. One problem eliminated at least. The screen arrived and I expected just to undo a few screws, click it in and away she goes. How wrong I was.

When did screws change so drastically?  I think back to changing the wheel on the car and how that had changed from a simple procedure. So much passes me by in this little cocoon. The world moves on and technology in all walks of life progresses with it into smaller and more awkward and more pain in the arse varieties. When I was a lad if you had to unscrew something there was one simple question: flathead or Phillips? How many screwdrivers and screws are there now? In various guises I had about 7, past tense which I coming to, and none of them fitted these little sods. Apparently I needed precision screwdrivers. As my wife was going to the shops I went alone. I stayed out a long time and ended up get roped into shopping- which was fine strangely. 3 different shops and 3 different checkouts I went through which is really something for me. I came home with a set of 12 screwdrivers, opened the packet and set to work to find none of them would turn a screw either. On a side note: Isn't it a annoying how so many things come in these sealed plastic packaging you have to cut open and so cannot take back if it not what you want? Or is that just me?

I had to look into a bit more. What I needed was called a PH00 and the pack of 12 I had bought had a PH0 and a PH000 but not a PH00. Bollocks! So frustrated I marched out the door and along to the local supermarket and it was only when I felt the panic biting as I stood in front of packs of screwdrivers that I realised that I had bit off more than I could chew. Not so long ago I bought my wife a Google Play card. It was swift but still an achievement. This was a lot harder. Unplanned and fuelled with determination and frustration which was ebbing quickly as I botched my way through the self serve only, thankfully, in the end to be rescued by a neighbour who was luckily in the opposite queue. Back home I went pleased with myself with another 6 screwdrivers and at home I sat about tearing my hair out as none of them turned a screw. I had seen "00" but it turned out to be NO rather than PH. Too complicated for the likes of me. But a good anxiety workout, a long time out in normality. In the end though despite my now large collection of screwdrivers I had to order one more online and wait for it to arrive.

It arrived at the start of the week which was when I realised the quick job in my head turned out not to be so in reality. It took me two days to take the thing apart bit by bit to the mess you see above and took all today to put together again. Success? I have about 7 screws and 3 different little wotsits which I haven't a clue where to put so have put them in storage. The things works though which I guess was the point. And did I teach my daughter a lesson in the value of things? Judge for yourself. She came in, I told her it was fixed, a hug, a thank you, a quick shot, a list of 4 things not right, put it down and hasn't touched it since. Ah well. I had some fun anyway.

Just wandering now what else I can take apart and put back together with my new ensemble of screwdrivers.

Almost normal morning

As soon as I said it I remembered and the memory sunk my confidence is one swift slap. Things have been going very well. So well that even my wife is impressed- which is something and very hard for her to admit. It led to us discussing it the other day but I will get to that in a moment.

The village I live in is a dump. A drab urban grey lifeless garbage filled soulless dreary poor-excuse-for-a-villag. Its a depressing place full of neds with either tracksuits or devil dogs or both. Full of angry people, ignorant people and all else in between. Not everyone of course. In fact the impression I am giving you would think I would be right at home. One thing it does have though is history. Its an old village. Home to Scotland's greatest explorer and coal mines and so much more. The past lies hidden in places waiting to be found. Pits, shafts, tunnels, carvings, springs, old ruined buildings and general things of interest which thanks to a few people who have found these things, researched them and posted about them online they are accessible for anyone with an interest. Things have been so well I not only have an interest but an appetite. A hunger to get out and find some of these things for myself with my photograph. They are places I could not have ventured previously and still not sure I can but things have been going so well I have been hopeful that I can. So I have been searching, finding and planning.

That leads me to the conversation with the wife. It was all positive and remained so but not in my head when I said: The great thing is I have been going all these places I could not go before and not panicking. That was when all the CBT came back to me. The warnings on exposure. You see the point of exposure is not to go out and hope not to panic and indeed if you do not feel some sort of high level of anxiety then its a complete waste of time. The point is to go to places where this is induced and try to use the learned skills to deal with the panic and therefore finally, gradually, get to as stage where the fear is lowered to the point of not caring. All this new exploring has not been doing that. For whatever reasons I have not been panicking. As soon as I thought that I knew what would happen next.

And it did. this morning on the school run and before it I had been thinking that I no longer fear the school run or have to warn my wife I may need to turn back or think I will have to turn back. Nearing the school that is exactly what happened. I was feeling dodgy all the way up unusually and then I said something to my wife which I cannot remember but was short. A few words. I had to rush the last word though as I felt I needed a large intake of breath. Even after I did I felt I was not getting any air. It felt like there was a vacuum in my lungs. Felt like I was suffocating. Panic. The overwhelming urge to leave. But I said nothing and pushed on. Jelly legs followed an unreality as the world seemed strange- felt actually like I was in a boat on high seas. I did though push to the school and back but I never calmed from that state. I should say briefly its hard to recall these things in the middle it of it but here is what actually happened. I was apprehensive and more so as I headed to the school and when I am like this I tense up and I have a tendancy to hold my breath without realising it. This is what lead to the breathlessness- holding my stomach tight- I am also blocked up. Then panic because I was telling myself I was suffocating. Jelly legs- the leg muscles go taut in preparation to fight or flee. Unreality- peripheral vision is narrowed to focus on percieved danger and the pupils widen allowing in more light which leads to the sense that the world is not quite as it seems. All explainable though at the time none of this came to mind.

I had stuck with it though and furthermore as we neared home and my wife asked me if I wanted to go to the cafe every fibre in my body was shaking its head but I said yes. More panic. Sitting at a table in the cafe with a cup of tea at the window looking out at the people going by. That urge to just get up and leave but I stuck with it. And here I was thinking: bloody typical! I was referring to the thought about not panicking previously and now panicking. I was linked in to the fear that all this "progress" could at any moment fall from beneath and send my tumbling back to where I was. Depressing actually and of course panic inducing.

It was only later that I saw it for what it was. These doubts are there precisely because I was not panicking before. As much as I would prefer not to panic I do actually have to panic if I am one day to overcome the fear of it which keeps it coming back and keeps me stuck. So in fact this is what I should be experiencing if I am to progress and staying with it and through it is exactly what I am supposed to be. In the end it did not hold me back and send me scuttling back home. From panic on the way to school it continued in waves back home and in the cafe. Finally though it eased off and I did not stop. I accompanied my wife into two different charity shops, ones I had never been in before, then into the supermarket from a long browse before finally taking a long route home. Over 2 miles in all and more importantly over an hour out- the longest I have been out on foot since this all started. And maybe even more importantly than that it was far from panic free but I let it be and stayed with it not letting it hold me back. Panic aside it was almost a normal morning.

The darkness and the light

I hope my posts of late have been a bit more update than they have been in the, even recent, past. Certainly as far as anxiety is concerned that is the mood. Happy, content, growing confidence and more hope day by day. But (Oh no here it comes) its not all positives. On that score I won't go into much detail if any at all. I think though its important to note. I see myself as being on the path to recovery but without knowing if that is truely the case or whether I will get to the other side but I feel that is the direction I am heading for the first time in my life and that is all I can ask for. If I was offered this at the start of the year I would have taken it with glee so I am happy with it now.

As I said its not all positive and it is important to stress this point. I do not want anyone in the same position reading these posts and getting the impression that its all easy and everything just goes swell and life is sweet and all that crap. Its not. Particularly my physical well being which is not OK and is cause for concern at times but whether that is concern well founded or all in my head I do not know. That is the problem with not being able to see a doctor or a dentist or visit a hospital. That is also one of the problems with dealing with anxiety too. So many anxiety related symptoms are the same as symptoms with a more worrying physical cause and self help tells us to accept these as anxiety as if having an anxiety disorder makes us immune to all the other problems that crop up in life. We, or me at least, are suggestive in this state too which compounds the matter. I think of news recently on Facebook of the natural death of someone I knew at high school, the same age, or being told the neighbour, not much older, has cancer. All this things exist in life and people with anxiety disorders are not excluding from them and those of an agoraphobic nature do not have the reassurance of being checked over and told its OK- or its not. Its a limbo.

But it is also one of many other reasons to get better and be able to do those things. In the meantime all we can do is accept those things and hope they are "just anxiety". But what about the things that are certainly not just anxiety? There are many of those and those are harder to just accept.

There is an irrational feeling among people with panic disorder that something is out to get them. A feeling that something is working against them. I am no different even though its not true. But it does at times feel like, however irrational, that a balance must be struck and for this renewed hope and getting out and feeling generally more on top of thing there is a price to be paid. Some not so good things have happened recently. Some worrying, some more explainable but always left in doubt. And it does feel like these are sent to hold us back just as we are making a little big of headway. For every small step forward there is a pair of hands trying to push us back a couple of steps.

These things though I think have always existed to some degree and possibly I am not seeing beyond my own situation and these are things that affect everyone. Sometimes I feel I need to give myself a slap to stop that kind of wallowing because the reality is not quite so bleak. I have doubt but as I have illustrated above people have real concerns. Doubts pale in comparison to what a lot of people have to contend with in life and that is when I must give myself a shake. Life does not run smoothly and the road is more bumpy the older you get. It stands to reason. So actually I should be thinking myself very lucky indeed. Lucky that as far as I know I have my health and for the first time since I became agoraphobic I have hope that I can make my way back into the world again.

I did though just want to say its not all plain sailing just in case I was giving the impression it was. On writing this blog its walking a tightrope really between the darkness and the light and trying to be true without being seeped or exposed too much in one or the other. Life though is what it is and we all have our problems to carry and we all just hope beyond hope that we come out the other side OK. No one is any different in that regard. In that we are all very much the same except the degrees of problems we have.

By Train: Step Three

I have to be honest and say that my new graduated exposure route was ripped up. Owing to a problem I had a few weeks ago I decided to restart by CBT from scratch but it was again delayed because the kids are off school this week so I will start again next week. Previously I had a plan to take a train ride and got through steps one and two. Then it all ended and in truth I have not given it any thought since. In actual fact I had already decided that when I started my CBT again I would not do the train ride but instead plan for a bus ride. I decided that with good reason.

Doing the CBT and in particular the graduated exposure it is important not to overstretch yourself. There is a troubleshooting guide to refer to when it isn't working and that is what I turned to when getting to step three in the graduated exposure felt impossible to me. The guide said that if its causing to much anxiety then either break it up into smaller steps or change to something that causes less anxiety to begin with. Breaking it up into smaller steps is wise but in this instance a no go for me. Already going down that root was causing me too much paranoia- the waiting bit- so breaking it down smaller was not going to help. In fact the route was too awkward and the only other route was much longer- too long for me. So when I start the CBT again I will be doing something else. I think a bus ride would cause less anxiety and would be a way to start.

So that is in the future and was not on my mind as I went for a walk today taking the route to school because I did not want to be missing out on that with the schools off this week. Even a week away from it makes it harder for me to go there after. It is therefore important to keep doing it which is what I am doing. Like all things.

Today that's what I was doing and then found myself walking down the street towards the train station. It was was actually the second time this week. On Monday I was surprised to find myself at the entrance where the cars go in and to do I wanted to try to get there again. Like all things. Repeat and repeat and repeat some more and hope that at some stage it gets easier. I got there. I lingered and lurked and thought the urge to cut and run. I stood. I argued in my mind. I dillied and I dallied and just as I was about to go when the feeling to flee got to much to hold back I suddenly thought: Bugger it. And instead of heading back I ventured into the lions den.

A road. Walk down the road. Excpecting soon to see the station in  view. I knew what to look for. Once upon a time I had my own flat up North and used to travel down here on a Friday and back up on a Sunday. I'd been here  few times by car. I was expecting the station and as I turned the corner was not disappointed. It was there. But so were so many other people. Lots of people. I didn't expect that. Why I expected it to be barren I do not know but it was not. Both sides of the track were full of people. I ventured further to the track side. So many people that there were no benches to sit on. No matter, I was not staying. Remember: wait until the anxiety drops by half. Aye right. Its not going to drop, its going to blow through the roof. Yes it was as good as into panic and that is maybe why I could not make up my mind which way to flee- back the way I came or through the woodland as I had been trying previously to reach here. And as it became apparent I could not think clearly enough to make up my mind I just went wherever. Wherever turned out to be right down the platform as far as it would go without anywhere else to go and to my horror and disgust I realised I'd have to walk back just to get where I was. Buggery!

Starting out some weeks before this moment was very different. I arrived at the station calmy and took a seat on a bench on an empty platform. I sat for a few minutes soaking it all up and telling myself how well I had done. I took out my camera to capture the seen and post it on my blog. Taking time to get the right compositon. Then I would calmly leave by the route I came. That was how it was going to be in my head.

This was fast turning into blind panic. I was instead in panic, surround by a mass of people, not able to take any photos and not sure which direction I should be heading in. Finally though I escaped. I was down the woodland path, actually the shorter route home which started to sink in half way along it, and up an ascending road home struggling to get a proper breath and shaking. Much fun on reflection. Not so much at the time.

So I did it. Can I do it again? Can I go to the next steps of firstly waiting and then getting on a train? I really don't want to think about it to be honest. The one thing I have learned is that some things are better unplanned and just allowed their own free will and space to occur all by themselves. At least that is how it felt. For one it removes any apprehension which can only exist with planning.

An achievement then. And it is a big achievement because I never in these past few years even up to a week ago thought I would ever be able to get there. But that, thankfully, seems to be happening a lot. I thought the same with the school and now go there regularly. I have thought the same with so many things. I need to top thinking and keep doing and slowly this may all come together. If nothing else I feel for once that I might actually make it.

Exploring

I've been exploring which seems kind of apt given I live in the town who's most famous son is one of the country's mos famous explorers. But where he cut a road through unknown Africa I made a slight paper cut on the route to his home. No lions on my charted path, only the odd ned. In is though my own little adventure pushing out into woodland I have not been through before. Inch by little inch I push a little more.

All journeys, however short, start with a map. Livingstone didn't have a map and he certainly didn't have the excellent google maps that I seem to find myself scanning through more and more looking for little routes to take me further. The fact I am doing this, and excited about it, shows little signs of progress.

Today I found myself pushing down through some woodland. It was quiet apart from the odd dog walker. Not that the dog walker I saw was odd. I was the odd one in truth. Odd by my own thoughts and admission. A lone dog walked was high above me. A long female. When I say walker she was not actually walking. A dog stander doesn't quite sound right though. She must have walked the dog there and then back home but for the duration I was there I guess she stood roughly in the same spot as I never saw her move except to throw something for her pet. Odd thoughts. Paranoid thoughts I should not be having. I felt like a threat. A lone female, a strange acting male and noone around. So this made me paranoid to an extent and unwilling to linger for fear of unsettling her.

Odd, maybe justified though. I go back some time to this area, February 2010. An incident, police and possibly a paranoid lone female dog walker (or stander) unsettled by my presence. Unjustifiably so really. I am no threat to anyone- male, female or any other. I am no threat at all. We live in an age through where we are bombarded by news- nearly all of it bad. Attacks, sex attacks, violent attacks, murders, kidnap and all the rest. We are fuelled to fear by the barrage of alarming news. Many story of lone females being attacked. In instances such as these I think of my wife and ask myself would I be happy if she was down here herself with noone around and a lone male appeared? No, I wouldn't. I am fed the same news too.

Anyway it was actually the presence of this woman that pushed me on. I go down a long road from home to a path. Its actually the route to the train station but instead of going down the woodland path to there I go on under a rail bridge and into a clearing. Only when I am through there do I see if the clearing is inhabited or not. And it was not. Paranoia again. I felt it would look suspect if I just about turned which was my plan. Threatening even because this is one of only two exits. The only exit in truth as the other is a longer way off. The immediate exit. So me suddenly appearing and then disappearing back where I came so quickly might look both suspect and bring a fear that I was hanging around the exit at hand. Or is that just all in my head?

Anyways, I walked on and I walked to where I was sure a path was as the lone female stood about 20 feet away. I didn't look up. As I neared where I thought the path was into the woodland I started to think I had got it wrong because it looked like a cliff edge. I could see beyond but not below. Half right. As I got to the edge there was a path down- almost verticle. I had stood here only once before and that previous time the world was white and it didn't look so steep. Or maybe it was because previously I had gone as far as I could and after a quick glance hurried back home. As reluctant as I was to do so I descended the steps leading down. Going down was not the problem. Getting back up was the worry.

I got down to the bottom and felt a little peace- nowhere near complete. I was still aware of the female above and the anxiety was kicking high can-can style bordering into panic. There was a stone wall to sit on thought, Ahead of me was all woodland with two paths. One was a softer descent from where the female was past where I was and around in a loop ascending high up the other side in front of me through all the trees. The other was straight ahead of me. A tiny footbridge to a similar steep descent of stairs. No way was I going up those.

I stayed a few moments longer remembering the CBT: wait until the anxiety drops by half. Leaving the situation while anxiety is still at a high level only attaches those feeling to that memory and so re-enforces the belief that the situation is anxiety provoking and creates high anticipatory anxiety, apprehension, on a return there. Yes I see the logic. Yes I waited some more. No the anxiety didn't drop. My head in truth was buzzing with thoughts on the physical sensations like breathlessness as well as irrational thoughts on the lone female above who in my head was on her mobile calling the police to report the suspicious character lingering in the woodlands. Beware the lurker. Yes irrational but it was all there in my head and seemed real at the time and my thoughts were then to being in panic and being stopped by police and looking even more suspect in the jittery mess trying to escape. But I sat. And I tried to be mindful. I looked around me: textures, colours, items, etc. Sounds: movement, creatures, passing train, hum of the nearby river. Mindful, not. Still all really in my head. So I took out my camera and took some photos and moved about a little taking more trying to absorb myself in that while allowing the anxiety to exist. When that was done I sat again. Long enough. The anxiety was not subsiding. Thoughts were mainly focused on getting home and every time they came at me the road home seemed longer and longer. Filled with that need again to just get it over with and not wait any longer. So I left.

That was my little adventure over. The climb had me breathless but I still managed to greet the doggy who came my way and say hello to the lone female feeling I could now that I was leaving- at pace. And I ventured home.

A little adventure. For me at least. In comparison to what has gone before in my little banged up little confinement. Many adventures in fact. They are growing. I hope they are leading me somewhere and if not they are at least leading me to hope. And if that were not enough then it is at least an improvement on being at home looking at the world go by. Mindfulness. I think of this again. Connecting with the external world. As opposed to being internal. These years I have been too internal. I need to be out in the world, not locked away from it. Only there can I be mindful. These little adventures of the not so great explorer can at least take me there slowly.

Church

Today I went to church. Not to pray but for a charity day. Well I say I went but it was more I dipped my toe in the water so to speak. But that is something I would not even have contemplated doing a year ago.

It was a charity raising event at the church in the next street and I was determined to at least try going with my wife and kids and their friends. So I went around full of apprehension and this did not ease as I squeezed past people in through the narrow doorway to the entrance where there were more people and a few ladies at a table taking payment to enter- there were raffles and free tea and cake. My wife paid and I was already starting to regret it as I saw a very long and very narrow corridor with people coming and going and the main hall not in sight.

I went. My legs were shaking and I was sweating. In my mind all I could see was escape. The escape plan was being constantly drawn in my mind as I moved past people down the corridor and around a corner finally to enter a big church hall. It was filled with tables, seats, faces and noise- mainly kids. The curiosity I'd had prior to going had been satisfied and now it was time to leave. I'd done it and that was enough.

As I stood there though I was aware of a few things. Firstly the CBT came back to me about graduated exposure and the message that it was pointless doing this if I left straight away with anxiety set on high. The only benefit to be gained was to wait until anxiety dropped at least half. The other thing that came to me was the kids. My wife was frantically trying to sort out cakes and juice and tables for them as well as coffee for herself. So I decided to stay. Stay long enough at least to get them all settled. So I did. I helped get the juices and cakes for them and found them a table to sit at. As much as I would normally grab the opportunity of a cuppa and cake to go with it the anxiety was preventing me.

Finally I sat down next to my oldest daughter and her friend. Just staring into space. Felt totally unconnected to the rest of what was going on around me. The bright lights, the constant movement of people coming and going, the noise bouncing off the walls and the unfamiliarity of it all being out somewhere that was not the living room on a Saturday morning. Try as I might to sit there and accept and let anxiety do it thing until the adrenaline burnt out it just kept flaring. And from the CBT I know this is what it does: there goes another adrenaline rush. The rush and the urge to escape and the acceptance then the rush again over and over again in a constant cycle.

I looked at my phone. 10 minutes. The CBT says don't put a time limit on it. It can take as long as it takes for the anxiety to finally settle. 10 minutes obviously was not enough. I never thought it would be and it wasn't. After 10 minutes though I'd had my fill. I'd done more than I set out to do. Despite the urge to just bolt out the door I didn't. I took my time saying goodbye to everyone- everyone I could find that is- and slowly went and kept going.

Doing something like this has a strange effect. The adrenaline does not stop pumping after escape but keeps going and I find works to your advantage rather than disadvantage. It kept me walking and walking and walking until I had gone the furthest East I had ever gone. And then back home having covered a fair distance.

So a positive. Not the breakthrough I always hope for but something positive at least- something new. I have to understand that it is going to take time. I have been stuck in this home so long that being anywhere else is going to take time to adjust too like someone stuck in solitary for a few years then overwhelmed when released back into the wild. But its a step in the right direction.

And now I feel incredibly fatigued as a result but it was worth it.

100 miles

Before the start of the month I set myself a target: to walk 100 miles. And I did it. I know to anyone else it doesn't sound much. Recently for example when I have been on Facebook there has been a spate of people running and cycling for charity. Colossal amounts in one go. It puts walking 100 miles in a month well in the shade. Instinctively so do I. That is how people with anxiety disorder think. They do not hold up an "achievement" against what went before in their own life but always compare to others- the normals. And it never matches up. How could it?

So this is something I have been trying to change, mentally. Its important to do so. If I don't then what will happen is I will start to think I am getting nowhere and become reluctant when the time comes to try getting out and doing the CBT. So it is important not to compare with others but compare to your own life. Two years ago the most I walked in a week was 7.5 miles so even if I managed that for consecutive weeks, which I didn't, it would have taken 16 weeks to do 100 miles. In actual fact over the whole of 2011 I managed only 153 miles over the entire year. This year I have walked 650 miles so far. Its quite a jump.

These things though never run smoothly. In the second last week I developed a problem which flares up from time to time and is not worth going into but suffice it to say it stopped me in my tracks. For a number of days I was in a lot of pain and for a few days it was too painful to walk. At that stage I thought: typical. Its not the first time its happened. I was resigned to failure. But it passed and I pushed extra hard to get it done. So from that point of view its only right that I congratulate myself. Lets face it I am the only one who will. When I told my wife I had walked 100 miles she said: in a week? No, a month. That took the shine off it straight away.

After completing this I set another goal: 250 miles by the end of the year- not in a week. Of course my old complaint is fatigue. Fatigue gets really bad at times. Strangely its not as bad when I am actually walking but afterwards I am sometimes struggling to keep my eyes open. When I spoke to the therapist he told me I should be taking power naps, 40 minutes, each day to combat this. The trouble is I have tried and for me it doesn't work as my mind just keeps whizzing too fast as I lie making sleep impossible. All it leads to is growing agitation until finally I can take it no more and have to get up.

Something else that the therapist said rings true though. He said he had experienced this with his own anxiety  disorder which he has now recovered from and what he described rang true about it being more than tiredness and more like an inner strain. He asked: do you ever have a period where the fatigue is really bad and sudden it lifts. This does happen. Of late I have developed a theory on this. I don't think physically something changes unless its mentally driven. I think its another tiring mental loop. I think I feel fatigue and I constantly tell myself I am so fatigued and I cannot stand it and this wears me down making me even more fatigued and so making me think more and more about and so the cycle goes on. And that is probably why he told me that the best thing to do is accept it not matter how bad it feels. Just accept it and let it be and don't spend every moment focusing on it. So this is something I have been trying to do but its not the easiest thing when its constantly there. I guess another reason to try mindfulness.

But I keep plodding along and trying to keep pushing myself on in the hope things will improve and if I give myself some time to look back I see they have improved however small.

Confucius- "The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."

Small steps leading to new roads and further from home, longer out in the world. On this score I certainly cannot complain. Just a big bit more patience required and continue to work hard on the CBT and starting to take more leaps into the dark. Like progress its a small bit by bit building of confidence too to take on new challenges and build on each new world that comes into being. Its a better place for sure. 

By Train: Step Two

There is not going to follow a series of posts on an agoraphobic's guide to travelling by train- unfortunately from my point of view. Very quickly I have moved from step one to step two but I expected that. I actually got here yesterday and with some distress got here again today. Both times waiting 60 seconds was as much as I could muster before scuttling off.

Hey, its a train! Now to get on it. Well not for a good while yet. I think even repeating this step is going to take some doing if I am honest and may have to give it a break over the weekends because I am finding that because I am pushing harder than I ever have been able to on the walks during the week I am heavily fatigued. My body is almost in shutdown. My hope was that in pushing way beyond what I ever have before my body would eventually get used to it and after a time the fatigue would ease and I'd find travelling greater distances not so tiring. Not so. The opposite in fact. It just seems to accumulate and snowball and every new day I think I feel more fatigued than I ever have in my whole life and definitely more than the day before. It got so bad today that I had to postpone my exposure at the usual time because as I tried to make my way out the door I felt I could hardly take another step. Really struggling.

So it may be I have to ease off with the distances I am doing. They are no big by anyone's standards but big for me. Last year I managed to maintain a level for a few months which was the biggest distance over a week for 4 years. This year I suddenly found myself managing 50% more than that which is a big jump but when I realised I was doing that every week for nearly 6 months and sometime before the weekend had nothing so therefore taking it easy after I decided to increase it 100%- from the year before. This is week 4 of that and as I said the fatigue just seems to be getting heavier and heavier.

I did though get down to step 2 for a second day in a row and even watched the train coming in. Staying just a minute was hard and really staying for just a minute was pointless because that is not enough time for anxiety to drop- and it didn't. Why couldn't I wait longer? What is so difficult about staying in one place?

That is the eternal question and probably the root of my agoraphobia. In all things I have to do that I don't want to do or don't like doing but am capable of doing I try to get it over with as soon as possible. I cannot wait. If It needs to be done then I have to get it done as soon as possible. A few posts ago I wrote about the time I had the 2 week course in London and was dreading the flight back so much I paid £50 to get on it an hour earlier just to get it overwith. That was in fact my first, and last, flight since 1999 or 2000 when my now wife and I went went on our first holiday to Mallorca and I remember on the last few days of the holiday starting to think about the flight home and getting really anxious and wanting it just over and done with to the point that I just wanted the holiday over and done with there and then to get it over with. It did spoil those final days. It wasn't always like that.

All of this noting though does no good unless it leads to a solution. The first step to that would be identifying the real problem. That is simple. Some may say its impatience but its not really. The real problem is apprehension- anticipatory anxiety. As you can imagine the long the period of this the harder it is to stand and so its natural to want it over with quickly. That is what it is. And getting back to this exposure that is what it is here too and now that I have identified the real cause of my inability to wait its something I need to work on.

Why I am apprehensive about waiting? Its because I fear the further I am from home the more impossible I will find it to get home if I panic. Like if I am standing down near the train tracks there and already on the verge of panic. I feel the longer I stay there the more likely I am to panic and the further away from home I will be and the harder it will be to get home. In my head I will end up on the ground struggling for breath looking up at faces and hearing the approaching sirens in the background. Its never happened yet but I cannot find the belief within me that it won't happen. That is why I am impatient if you will to leave, apprehensive to stay and eager to just get back home again.

Writing it I see it looks stupid. Panic is internal so it matters not where you are located really. There is no magic anti-panic device at home. Of course its not as simple as that. What we think affects how we feel and how we feel effects how her body responds. If we see or hear something sad it may make us cry. I we hear or see something wrong it may make us angry. What is external to us affects the internal. But only through interpretation. Its subective. Panic is subjective. The sight of a crowd may bring elation in some, fear in others. So its about changing the interpretation and therefore the reaction to it. If all 5 senses were cut off, experimentally and temporarily, would it really matter where we were?

I guess what I am trying to say in a round about way is what the CBT says so simply: catch our thoughts, challenge the truth of them and change them with the truth. And that is not what I am doing. That is what I need to learn to do. That is why I cannot wait. Until I can start dealing with these mis-interpretations I cannot wait. So now at least I am sure where I have to concentrate my efforts.

By Train: Step One

Apologies for the image quality. I have not been taking my camera out so this was taken my crappy phone and besides that its not a place I like taking a camera ever since one day being stopped and questioned by police. As I said in my last post its not a place I want to hang about and risk looking suspicious- I didn't mind before being stopped.

Anyway step one in my eight step graduated exposure. I did know there was a 90% chance of getting here so I am not jumping up and down patting myself on the back for doing so. Step 1 takes me to a path that goes under a railway bridge and through out into proper woodland by a river- which stinks. It also forks off here to this little woodland path that leads to the train station. Its not a great image as I said and neither does it convey the atmosphere here.

Personally, and it probably is only me, I find it very claustrophobic there. Creepy even. Although I am doing this in the day you would not know it going in- coming out you do see the light at the end of the tunnel. Here the trees are so dense and from either side the reach out to each other holding hands and very little light penetrates the roof of branches. As you walk through- as I have in the past and will do again soon- there is an eerie silence mostly because sound is also kept out but also there is not much to make a noise down this part anyway unless a train is coming or going from the station. But in the silence there are little movements not seen my the eye and only heard. Birds and other wildlife. I haven't seen any wildlife down here but I know its there, I hear them.

Its easy to see why this way is not frequently used. I would imagine most lonely travellers and commuters arriving at the station at night leave by the main exit at the other side which is brightly lit and leading on to a main road through lots of housing. Down here there is nothing but the dark still creepy silence.

Today though that was not a problem. I got down here and so as not to just turn back or hang about I dipped my toe so to speak into the entrance of the path where I could wait a few seconds out of view. Then I legged it back home. Its a start.

But already I see another big problem and its something I should have talked about in the last post. I am not dealing solely with anxiety. Were that the case thing would certainly be much more straight forward. In fact I would go as far as to say with what I have learned I could quite possibly get on the road to recovery quite quickly. But its not just anxiety. I don't arrive at this point feeling physically fine but mentally apprehensive, again if that was the case I could definitely deal with this better. I arrive instead heavily fatigued. I arrive struggling to get a regular breath and feeling like I do not have the energy to go on. And here is an important point about this. My thoughts are not cast forward to where I need to go next. My thoughts are 100% consumed with the road travelled and worried about making it back home. Each step forward is a step further away.

This is more so the case with this graduated. The reason being is that I am walking downhill all the way there. Getting back is harder. Getting to that point of breathlessness downhill then from that state having to go uphill again is the bit I really find hard. I see the worry constantly churned out as I walk down there. This year I have been mapping all my walks and it has really helped. Have a look below at the walk this morning:

The map there show the route down to the train line. The next stage is to follow the rail line into the station. At this scale it looks so easy but for me it is not. The reason for posting this is the graph underneath showing elevation. The green X on the graph corresponds to the green point on the map. I basically walk from the bottom of the map down to the green spot. As you can see on the elevation chart it starts off level but then starts to go downhill. From that point I have an incline to walk up and this is what makes it harder- for me. Also noticable on that graph is how I pickup speed on the way back. That is something I have to work on. That is escaping. The only other point of note is that you will notice the green X is not halfway along the chart. This is because after doing the exposure I always try to walk some more- this time sort of South East. The reason for his is to prove to myself that even though I feel so physically shattered by the time I get to my destination that I feel I cannot go on that in actual fact I could have gone on. I hope over time that starts to sink in and allows me to push on.

Enough though of statistics and charts. I got to step 1 as planned and because I cannot wait there what I plan to do next is start edging bit by bit towards step 2. I am hoping I can do that this week but only time will tell. That is of course if there are no unforeseen circumstances but that is rarely the case.

The train ride

Its back to doing the CBT and this time I have been doing it properly. Having watched all the videos instead of just reading the books I see my mistakes and why I am struggling to progress. That said now that I understand how to do it properly does not mean that I will do it properly. I may still struggle- in fact I am sure I will. But at least I will know I am at least attempting it the correct way.

So I have decided to plan the impossible. No, not impossible. Nothing is impossible- well nearly nothing. I have decided to plan the improbable. I created a list of things I cannot do and must start working towards. This list contains 10 things and this is 2nd bottom of the list. And that list I might add is restricted to the close vicinity so it doesn't include the highly improbable and possibly on the list of impossible like getting on a plane or climbing Everest or taking a backpack through South America. Its all small fry in the scheme of things but giagantic in my world. Anyway, what I have decided to do is get on a train into the nearest town. Its something I just cannot see myself doing but that is hardly a surprise since I cannot even get to the train station at the moment and even if I did I would have to leave straight away never mind hanging around to jump on a train and all the rest.

When I say I have been doing the graduated exposure wrong up to this point I really mean I have been missing the point and that is probably why it took 3 years of it to get to the school as outlined in other posts on here. The most important part of the exposure is the part I missed out. That was waiting. Graduated exposure involves gradually making your way to a destination over time via a series of smaller steps. I got there in the end with the school run but what I was doing was getting to a point, overjoyed with that and leaving with anxiety stuck at a high level therefore actually reinforcing the belief that the place I had reached was still highly panic inducing- I left with high anxiety attached. What you are supposed to do is make your way to a point and then wait. Wait, observe, loosen, relax the stomach so that breathing is done naturally rather than forced, use the stomach as an anchor, let got of all the anxiety and let it just run its course. Adrenaline is short lived. You have to let time pass. Wait. Even a second more. And a second more. Wait. Wait long enough that you start to see the anxiety come down to a better level. Wait for that burst of adrenaline to spend itself. Another will probably come. Expect it. Wait. And watch how anxiety peaks and then slides down and then may peak again. Recognise its a burst of adrenaline. There goes another adrenaline rush. It will peter out if left to do so. And then when anxiety has sufficiently reduced you can leave the situation with anxiety at a lower level and therefore not add another memory of high anxiety at that point. This is theory. Once you feel that step is no longer causing the same level of anxiety, an uncomfortable level, then start heading to the next step and so on. Unlike what I was doing charging head first and internally yelling like a madman to get through it all tensed up with gritted teeth and furrowed brow.

If it takes me 3 years to take a train ride then so be it. I will be happy with that. I'd rather do it sooner but when you are at the point where it all seems too impossible to do then just managing it some time down the line would be a god send. When you are so overwhelmed with fear just thinking about it then its a nice thought to think one day it might be possible and every day you are taking small steps toward it. Its not just the ultimate end though that is important. The practice of waiting if achieved correctly can then be taken into other areas and that practice then becomes so natural that its a little easier to approach these difficult things. As I said though easy in theory, understandable, but very difficult in practice as we fight against habit of reaction with fear which is so natural now its trigger happy taking a long time to change.

So I have a plan. A plan to one day get me on a train to the nearest town. It won't be easy. This thing that millions do every day without thinking will not be easy. As I said I cannot even get to the train station so that is not a great start. I could of course use the car but I don't want to. This practice has to be done daily and our car is so old its very unreliable and I don't want this exposure interupted by car problems. Of course that doesn't mean there will not be other unforeseen problems. Already that is the case, and for some reason keeps happening, because as I go to start this a bug I thought was down to the kids returning to school has developed into a sinus infection and for someone who cannot go to their GP that is never a good thing. More so since its hard enough to deal with never mind what it can lead to like the throat and chest infection I had last time which was the most miserable period of my life in the last 5-10 years. These things affect my breathing and breathlessness is the number one problem for me when it comes to panic and anxiety.

Anyway, back to the plan. I have a few steps in this plan. Step 1 is achievable but not without a great deal of anxiety. Add to this its not a place I can stay and wait like I am supposed to so that is going to make it harder to get to the next step. Its a very secluded place but there are lone dog walkers usually and mostly female so I don't think its the best idea to be lurking- I certainly wouldn't like the idea if it was my wife down there on her own and some flustered weirdo was hanging about- very unsettling.

The plan then. It won't mean anything to anyone reading it but might as well include it as an indication of what I am doing and how I am breaking it up. Like the graduated exposure to the school I will include a post when I reach a new step. 

Lastly just a note about the lead image. It is of the train station and it was taken by me. So I have been there before, briefly. And driven there by my wife. It was February 2010 (even though I used it in a post in 2009! Should say when I started this blog I either didn't use images or took them straight off the web. When I decided to use my own images only I went back and changed everything retrospectively) and I thought it better to include that as it shows some of what lies ahead- though not greatly. Way off in the distance it may be possible to see a big building that looks like a little black square. This is the council building in the next town I want to get to. Even less clear to see is looking at the line of cars nearest the track there is a path leading into the trees down to a woodland path. The begining of that path, basically out of view, is step 2 in my exposure. So as you can tell its a long way off yet just getting there. Point 3 is one of the two benches between the tracks and the cars.

This, finally, is the plan...

1. Walk halfway to the train station.
2. Walk through the woodland path to the other side and wait. 
3. Walk to a bench at the station and wait.
4. After sitting on the bench have a walk around the train station (both sides via the footbridge)
5. Buy a ticket and get on the train to the small town to the West- get picked up at the other side by car.
6. After arriving at small town wait and then get picked up.
7. Instead of getting picked up buy a ticket for the return journey.
8. Instead of going West buy a return ticket for the big town to the East and complete the journey.

So there we are. 8 steps to do it. They all look increasingly hard from where I am right now and a long way off. There are some concerns but I with deal with them if and when I get to them. On steps 5 and 6 I need my wife to be available and the car on the road. Not always possible which could be a pain as this is supposed to be done daily but I will work around it somehow. Then there is the question of cost. Its not an expensive journey but we don't have disposable income to go throwing around on train journeys. That will no doubt become a factor if it gets to that stage. No point in worrying about it at the moment until it is an issue that needs to be addressed. People like to do things different ways. There are many who would prefer to do this with a support person which is understandable. I'm just one of those who don't as I prefer to go at my own pace and not be distracted.

So here I go....

In Print

OK, it wasn't put there for its artistic merits and really if you submitted anything that had a kid in school uniform then it was going in but still a little proud of having something in print. I took it and it was outdoors so it will do for me- for starters. The thing is a year ago I could not have taken it where it was taken so its a little progress. I'm having it anyway. Below is the original...

It Started

I was sitting there feeling fear run through me as I lightly bounced about in the seat and what I remember most was how loud the noise of metal grinding against metal was as one carriage rose and the other would fall. It was fear I had not felt before. Not on a train any way. Even although I had been in a train crash 13 years before never in the many times I had been on a train after had I felt fear. Not just fear but irrational fear. In fact I never felt or thought much about the journey other than noticing people and what might be blurring past the window. I always found travelling by train relaxing. Its how we got to Amsterdam earlier that year and how I travelled alone from Paris to Bordeaux 4 years earlier. How I travelled to Suffolk a few times a year each year for holiday with my uncle and aunt. How we went up to Inverness for new year. The list goes on.

So this was irrational. Very irrational. I wasn't sure where it had eminated from. But the noise of the train was so loud on that short 20 minute journey from my town to Glasgow. I felt vulnerable. It did not feel safe. It felt like it might come off the rails at any minute and thoughts on this and other disasters fired through my head as the noise grew too loud to stand as I sat agitated praying for it to be over soon. No doubt somewhere in my subconsciousness that train crash had been pulled out the archives and I was somehow reliving it.

It was some time in 2002. I remember feeling strangely weak and breathless on the walk to the train station and somewhat lightheaded. I remember when I got off that train I felt overwhelmed by people and noise in the city as I struggled about slowly trying not only to find my way to where I had to go but trying also not to move too quickly as to get out of puff. I found the place I had to go for the exam and after going through the door I was greeted by a big stair case. I could feel fear peaking. Thoughts returned to weeks before in Edinburgh on the week long study course for this Database Administrator exam. And that moment when I ran up the stairs and found when I got to the classroom I could not breathe. More than that actually I actually felt I was suffocating and there was some invisible cling film over my nose and mouth. Something that I think has stayed with me ever since and certainly played into that moment. So I took things really slowly taking one step at a time at the pace of a 100 year old man. Little did I know that although I would not have my first panic attack until 2 years later and the agoraphbic inducing full blow panic attack for another 4 years the road to this current situation has started. It started there.

The year I went to Prague by bus with the woman who the following year would be my wife. All good. No anxiety but also maybe a reluctance to go out too far. It was something that was becoming more common. I was finding myself less inclined to venture. On a holiday with a friend in Tenerife much to his frustrations I never left the complex at night except for once and on that occassion I felt so uncomfortable I cut it short. But in this year 2002 I had gone to Prague by bus as I said. And also the course I was doing meant I'd had to fly to London, stay there for 2 weeks and fly back again. I had, and still have, a fear of flying so the travelling was a nightmare. Coming back the apprehension over the flight was so bad that rather than spend an hour in the pub at the airport dulling my fear with alcohol I paid £50 to get an earlier flight, only an hour earlier, just so I could get it over and done with. Fear while travelling, train crash and episode of not breathing ( or at least feeling that was the case). Every little thing holds hands and creates a chain of events to a destination.

Fears maybe came easier. I remember years before doing my back in going out the door to work and could not move for a week. Around this time despite it not being a problem for all those years it started to creep into my thoughts creating fears. Such a simple thing causing immobility and pain. I had gone down the stairs and as I remembered I had a bin bag to take out I turned and grabbed it as I descended, got a few steps, felt a stabbing pain. came out in a cold sweat and had to sit down straight away. In the end I had to crawl up the stairs and through the flat to get to bed. But now I was starting to think: what if? What if something as easy as that happened at work? How would I get home (it was 30 miles drive)? What would I do? How stupid would I look laying in a room full of people on my back unable to move? Then other things. I started noticing being ill at work and getting annoyed. Started feeling ill when they showed signs of being ill. Wondered if I'd get so ill I would struggle driving home or get stuck on the road somewhere. Then I started to notice I felt weird going out at lunchtime. I found it difficult to walk too far without getting out of breath. I found just walking a short distance I would feel off balance. I was starting to feel heavily fatigued all of the time. At my desk in the afternoon I would feel on the point of sleep and so would have to go for a walk in the fresh air but this again brought the problem of getting out of breath.

Getting out of breath or getting no air started to become a real problem. Even just sitting at my desk I would sometimes feel I was getting no air and I spend many times in the cubicals trying to unblock my nose convinced it was block. It drove me up the wall so much one day that I drove out to the chemist at lunch time and got a nasal spray to use when it happened. But it all accumulated: breathlessness, fatigue and worry. Worry over finding a new job. Worry over getting the sack as they had no work for me. Worry over how to fill my day. Aside from worry there was the tediousness of it all. Sometimes 2 hours to get to work sitting mostly in traffic to spend 8 hours at a desk with nothing to do and then that same journey back home. I started to feel more and more fatigued.

I did not see the link but this was about the time I started going to the GP sure there was something physically wrong with me and getting nowhere. I even went to a chemist for a free diabetes test as all the symptoms seemed to match. I was going to the shops and getting more and more out of breath just trying to get there even though its only quarter of a mile away. And then I started to find myself getting more and more agitated in the queues until I was eventually bordering on panic. So nothing felt right and that was why I was back and fourth to the GPs but they could find nothing wrong.

And then one day I remember in 2003 going to the shops with my wife and holding my daughter in my arms, who was a few months old. Something scarey happened. It was really hard to describe. Everything that should have been familiar just felt alien. I felt totally detatched from it all and like I was seeing it from another dimension or something. I remember it clearly as we were just walking through the doors. People were walking not in slow motion but slower and the lights seemed too bright and the sounds were all mixed into one great murmur. I had to leave. I had to get home. I left my wife seething rightly at being left with no explanation to shop with a baby in her arm while I just left as quickly as I could. I was convinced something bad had happened. Something to do with my brain. This was not normal, it was as abnormal as it got. I was scared out my whits. When I got home I just crashed face first into the bed and intent in ripping my head apart for want of a better plan but instead fell into a deep sleep.

I should say as scary as this was the reason I am posting about all these things is the CBT. I have been doing that the past few weeks and its sinking in now. I am understanding how panic works, develops into a disorder and is maintained. With this all these things have been resurfacing as if showing me my own route to where I am now. But not only that showing me exactly how and why they happened. Take that episode there as an example. As I said it scared the life out of me. It would scare the life out of anyone, believe me. When your mental health, your sanity and maybe your ultimate mortality all are put into question out of the blue I think even the bravest and most fearless of people would flinch. Now though I see it for what it is. Its a symptom of anxiety/panic named unreality. Although I could not see it at the time there would have been a lot of anxiety building up. I already said getting to the shops had become a problem and queuing was getting me very uncomfortable so there would have been a lot of anticipatory anxiety. Also I did have a lot of worry. I thought I was seriously ill at the time and the doctors were just not finding it. I knew something was wrong. I had very little sleep because the little one was up crying 2 or 3 times a night. All this and more brought it to a head in a panic attack. Lots of things can happen in a panic attack. Its fight or flight and as I just said effectively when it happened with nothing to fight I took the flight option. I could go through every function of fight or flight but will only say what was relevant here. One symptom is that the pupils dilate to let in more light and it creates a kind of tunnel vision in order to focus more attentively on danger and this in turn makes the outside would seem unreal because its familiar yet strangely different. The mind goes into high alert looking for danger so that brings a sort of sensory overload and this is well noted in some people who have come through real dangers where they have felt things sort of slowed down in the moment but related it to the danger. Simple fight or flight. So that is all that was happening but because I did not now this it scared the shit out of me. 

Anyway these things started to snowball. All these little memories that I had forgotten about are now popping back into my head as if mapping a path. In 2004 I remember again carrying my daughter and getting panic. We were at a bridge and had gone down the side to get near the water. I had to carry my daughter, who was about 1 at the time, up the steep slope and as I got to the top I had to put her down with a bout of breathlessness sure I was going to go blue in the face and need an ambulance. We started to walk to the next town just a little bit away but I felt so bad we had to turn back and go home.

I remember at the funeral of my wife's friend's son panicking as the doors were closed and locked in the crematorium. I remember standing in the soundproof box at the church for my wife's gran's funeral glad to be away from the congregation and the relief later when my father in law told me he was going to ask me to carry the coffin but could not see me. I remember the panic standing up in front of the congregation at my daughter's christening and the fight not to leave. I remember being at Blairdrummond Safari Park in 2005 and trying a swing with my daughter and my whole balance turning on its head scaring the life out of me- again. In fact everything was scaring me. Panic in a traffic jam in Manchester and sitting at the back of the church on my own near the door during the christening using my other daughter as an excuse once again at church. I also remember the first panic when my parents visited and after leaving the room to calm down on bed falling asleep- twice that happened.

Oh I could go on and bore any readers to panic so I won't. The point is for anyone going through this in time you will see all the little things that built towards it. What I was begining to wonder what is the point of it all? Why do I need to know? But I guess its to show it for exactly what it is. And maybe even also to show that these things were done very easily so in theory can be done as easy. Its also though worth noting that this is therefore not one big thing but hundreds of little things all congealed together in a sticky mess. And it can be undone. Bit by bit like it started it can be undone and I think it is why I am seeing these things because at the same time now I am starting to see those things I could not do a year ago which I can now do and maybe its like a sort of regression back to the old self. Or at least a new better self.