Nothing to see here

Its been a week since the last drive and will be at least another week before we go anywhere substantial. I blame the weather. Snow, cold temperatures and mainly black ice have been keeping us off the roads. Today though at my request we had to pop out and already I was regretting it. My wife and kids came back 2 nights ago and panic came with them. It first arrived about 4 in the morning out of the blue waking me up and not letting me sleep until 3-4 hours later. And it just keeps coming in various guises. This, I told myself, was just another form. My abdomen felt like it was being ripped from the inside, I was trembling and felt like I was going to be physically sick. I'd asked to be dropped off to go and investigate what could possibly be a mine shaft but now wished to pull out. When I looked up my wife and three kids were dressed for the outdoors and ready to go. I had to go too.

My wife dropped me off close by. The original plan was she would go to the shop down the road and I'd phone to get picked up. The girls were going to come but now didn't want to. My wife decided it would probably be easier to wait. So I got out and took my jangly nerves with me down a path that looked endless. The noise was deafening. So many cars as rush hour approached on the dual carriageway which would soon come to a stop and with it darkness was coming too.



The more I walked the longer it seemed to be. Thoughts of the map had gone and I had no idea in my mental block where this supposed location was. There were no stomach problems or nausea but instead just rising panic as thoughts of distance divided by oxygen filled my mind. And the fact that I was going ever downhill was not lost on me. Going around a bend I saw no end to the road and wondered how far I could go before moving at speed back to the car.

Finally I found a turn off and started walking up the path. A man with a dog passed me and as I looked around I saw nothing but snow and trees. What was a little disorientating was the way the horizon in this woodland was a sheer slope to one side. I could also see paths leading here, there and everywhere like a forest labyrinth and with the thought of getting lost I retreated backwards out feeling a little defeated.



Coming back out on to the main path my internal safety mechanism was telling me it was way past time to go back but I fought the urge and tried to blank out all the swirling thoughts as I made my way further down the path. Fairly soon I found myself approaching Bothwell bridge and with that the knowledge that I had gone way too far. Not only could I not find what I was looking for but I had also walked too far from the car. Wanting to take with me a memory for later of where I had been in the form of an image rather than this unreliable old grey matter I stopped to take some photos. Another man with a dog appeared so I had to wait about for him to go in my paranoia. What really bumped the panic up was the man's smile and a worry inside that he was about to approach me for a chat.

It would have been nice to get some clear photos down here. Just take this sign for example. Once a pristine marker for walkers and cyclists it is now all but unreadable due to the continual passing fumes. I'm sure when driving by here many times there was an old wooden signpost which I wanted to capture but I couldn't find it and besides- it was time to get back to the car as quickly as I could on what little oxygen I had left. Remembering to loosen the body and remembering to regulate the breathing I set off but soon abandoned them in favour of gritted teeth and moving as quickly forward and uphill as I could.

Yet another stupid notion had sent me into one of these mad frenzy states of panic that I so enjoy: was there a mine shaft down here? More disappointment but at least an answer to my question. As I made my way back I looked down to see what I saw on the map. I should know by now, as per my search for the Clyde, that everything on google maps is flat and in reality isn't. Where I thought I just needed to hop over a fence a few yards to have a look I could now see it was a long drop down. Far beyond me at the moment but I could make out a stream running into it. So nothing nearly as romantic as an abandoned old mine shift worth exploring but instead probably a sewer or such like. Ah well, at least it got my out of the house and cured my curiosity.

It did not end there though. I got back to the car after giving my nerves a right good shake up and my wife drove to the shops. Its not one I've been in for a long a time and I pushed the boy in a trolley for a bit but panic kept rising. The aisles were spacious enough but the checkout was completely claustrophobic and a long line had formed about 10 deep at the only till with an assistant. For a few minutes more I tried to stick with it but it got too much and with my eldest daughter I made haste home on foot.

Back home now in safety but I can feel the momentum building. Today was just another couple of episodes to the growing number I have experienced in the past week or so. Its going to be difficult but that is just the way of things. At least now I can recognise it and if I need to not beat myself up for being unable to do the same as I was a few weeks ago. I don't think its coincidental that it comes during a time the kids are at home for two weeks fighting, screaming, shouting, demanding and all else from the crack of dawn when they rise to the wee small hours when they finally drift off. If I can attribute it to that then at least I have a time frame to work to. If not then I'll just have to get on with it.

The Mount

Getting out of the car I was not surprised to see there were a good few people mulling about under the clear blue sky hosting a warm golden sun. The fact that it was winter was lost on me for the time being. Not that many people actually but enough to give the scene movement. There was no parking lot as this was on a green plateau where others had just abandoned their cars haphazardly too like we had all suddenly be called by sirens to the shore and were out of the cars following their song to end the last of the journey on foot. After locking the car I followed the straggling band of tourists along the path where at the end was the promise of beauty- a clifftop view in a setting much like Machu Picchu. We followed the winding ascending path that wrapped itself around the hilltop.

The light and sound changed as the path took us through a woodland which was densely packed with trees on either side reaching high upwards towards the light they were blocking out from us far below. We could hear the rush of water nearby and scuttling creatures out of view, birds chirping and squealing. From vivid summer colours the surrounds had turned a rustic autumnal shade of brown and red. Although I couldn't see it I knew that we were not far from summit. I checked my pocket to ensure my camera was still there. No point coming all this way and not being able to capture it. I am a slave to the assembled assortment of dots that make up an image and why that is I don't know. It seems such a silly pursuit yet it drives me on like no other.

And I had come a long way. The furthest I had been before was where I had now left the car. I'd never walked this far before. This was a sudden realisation or rather I now recalled this fact that I hadn't previously because my mind was on other things. In fact it wasn't my own doing or not a conscious effort at least. For whatever reason my train of thought brought me here as it always does eventually. As far as I can recall now there were no unusual sensations- just a thought. This little seed of doubt. Could I go on? Never mind that, could I now get back to the car? People passed me at a leisurely pace enjoying the walk and oblivious to this stricken soul frozen to the spot. Everything had been OK until one little thought had popped into the head. Things had now changed. I was so near to that place I wanted to be yet I could not go on. It angered me that all these others had not a care and to them this was not a problem but then again only a few moments before I had been one of them. Could I push on? Not a chance. Already I was worrying about how I was going to make it back. That was my number one concern now dwarfing all other thoughts. The fears flooded in and sent me scuttling back to the car as fast as my heavy legs could take me.

It is rare for me to remember a dream so I either don't have many or just don't recall the ones I have. Very occasionally though, at most 4-5 times a year, I have a really vivid one. This one was part of a few I had this morning and the fact that I remembered them so well was probably in no small way down to a very restless night. As I have mentioned before dreams used to be agoraphobia free but now they are not when I remember them. Other parts of this dream had no connection with my current anxious state at all but this one, like so many others in recent years, brought it into play. They all play out the same way. I am somewhere else far from here and feeling so normal that I have no anxiety related concerns. Then suddenly I remember and the world caves in again. Tortured and cursed even outwith this vile realm.

What it means I do not know, if it means anything at all. This weak I got back out driving and we've clocked up 50 miles so far which is good considering we are getting a rather alarming 'ABS fault' message that the garage needs to look into. And I've stepped up the walks once more challenging myself each day and doing new things. After the weekend when we had a full house nearly all day Saturday I have been free of apprehension and it has allowed me to try new things. Even when I push past the normal barriers though the anxiety is still there more intense than ever and I think this dream sequence was part of the week. But it played an even bigger part in today's events, which I will blog about at the weekend, and maybe that was its purpose. When it came to the crux today I remembered this dream which pushed me into a decision I would not normally take.

White Christmas

It is hard to believe there are just 6 days until Christmas. I never feel it anymore. For the agoraphobic shut away from the hordes of shoppers frantically rushing about for last minute gifts Christmas is far away. As are the sounds of Slade, Roy Wood, Mariah Carey and the like that play through the shopping aisles as you push your trolley through the mass of bodies or drunkenly dance with your tie in your back pocket at the office disco. The one indoors is far removed from the spirit of the festive season. Instead, if they are like me, they spend hours online searching for gifts and then waiting patiently for the door to be knocked with their arrival.

This year though I am feeling it more than usual. The weather has played its part for once. Once the past day or so we have had snow. Not a lot but enough to paint the town white and blind us with a brilliant reflection of the low winter sun in all directions. There are footsteps carved in the ground of not only the denizens but dogs, cats and even birds- a new game of foot spotting has resulted on the walks with the kids. It is cold beneath blue sky but there is nothing like wrapping up to go out with the promise of a hot drink or soup on your return.

Equally at night the lights add to the occasion. I'm not used to being out in the car at this time of year so had forgotten what it was like. There seems to be more illuminated houses than I remember. Most are subtle but there are a good few extreme cases which are dazzling. The kids love looking out for them and I feel like a big kid to seeing these things for the first time. And when you see the usual arrays of Santa, reindeer, snowmen and the rest it does add to the effect when the surrounds are peppered with the white of winter.

Last night we drove to Rutherglen which the kids enjoyed. From here to there we pass through the main streets of a number of little towns like my own, Halfway and Cambuslang who all have their own assortment of Christmas lights lining the central road and Christmas trees scattered along the way. Some were better than others with our own town's lighting falling well short of the mark. Without stopping we passed by my wife's aunt's house as a dry run. Next week we will go again and drop off presents. It used to be her gran's house until she died and my wife takes the kids a lot there in the summer as she has a big garden. Afterwards we worked out that the last time I was there was Christmas 2005 when we picked up her aunt to take her to Perth on Christmas Eve with a just a 2 year old girl and little 6 month baby girl in tow. Back then Christmas felt like something special and maybe that feeling is returning. As much as I don't enjoy the company of others I do enjoy the occasion with the present opening, meal, walks down the park and other festivities.

This Christmas for the fourth year in a row though I will be spending it alone. I insist that the kids are in their own beds on Christmas eve so that I am up early to see them awake and then open their presents. After that they will get ready and my wife will whisk them up north for a few days. Maybe that is why I have lost the feeling of Christmas for so long. Up until this year it has been a brief passing moment of a few hours on Christmas day before returning to solitude. This time it has lasted longer and I can only hope that this time next year it is longer still. Maybe I might get in the car to and head up to wonderland with the family.

Castle

Since June I've had 134 drives and covered 1011 miles to date. They vary from a drive to the nursery and back of little under a mile to trips around Lanarkshire covering up to 40 miles. Not bad for someone who for the three and a half years or so before it couldn't even get in a car. BUT...I feel nothing. I feel no more confident and in fact am waiting for it all to crumble again.

On Wednesday we went for a drive during the day. One girl was at school and the other was up at her grandparents 60 mile away so it was me and the boy with my wife driving. We drove through another place nearby and I was surprised to find the localcastle there- not where I thought. Or maybe it as as there are no clear boundaries but regardless we found it. I'd wanted to go there for a while but it looked too far on the map. Yet here we were and had not planned it. It wasn't far at all. The only problem though was that it was nearing time to pick up my daughter from the school- something I have still not attempted but on the 'To do' list. So we had no time to walk down and explore. Instead I got out and took a few photographs. But now that it is so near at hand we will go there soon for a nose around.

When I went to get back in the car my wife suggested I drive back. No chance. I wouldn't even drive this when I was well never mind now in the day time. Already I was feeling anxious being far from home which never leaves. And at this point I had no inkling that I had driven in over 6 weeks. She persisted though and this is where I usually dig in my heels but this time I didn't. Suddenly I thought it wasn't that big a deal. So I got in and drove home. It wasn't too bad. The tension in my body was high as I couldn't relax and I did spend most of the time thought fighting but it wasn't as bad as some drives I've had in the past. As it was a country road I had to keep my whits about me anyway as it was all twists and turns.

So it can be done and on this occasion I did actually need a kick up the backside to get me going. My plan is now not to wait for that little push but to start looking to take that initiative myself. There are times when you just can't do it but as I keep saying to myself there are times when it is possible. These are the times I must recognise for myself and make the most of. I have some plans for next week which involve walks as well as driving. I also want to read up on the castle before I go so I know what I am looking at rather than wandering about a ruin. The driving seems to be taking care of itself. As I said before its the staying out I must work on. The castle could present that opportunity and hopefully that will come next week.