Two Zero Zero Nine

There is only one time this year, in fact in a few years, where I have found peace. A place where for a moment I lost myself in the tranquility of the surroundings and lost the fear of how far from home I was. That was on our first trip to the David Livingstone centre and more precisely the nature trail there. I went back twice after and never found it again. For that moment though I felt 'normal' again. In that moment I could do anything and go anywhere. Since I have had the briefest glances of that at times but never as strongly as on that day. But just because I have not been able to recapture it that does not mean I won't again and that is why it is my highlight of the year. It made me see change is possible from a place I thought was inescapable.
Thankfully I have not had any loss this years like some other years and that is something I appreciate. My low points are many but not low in the scheme of things. There have been times when panic has scared the living daylights out of me, times of physical pain and times of confusion, depression and hopelessness. But the main low points have revolved around my kids. There have been times when parents have to attend plays and the like which I have not been able to go to. Instead I watch my wife struggle and see things remotely through a video camera. Those have been the lowest times.

I have a list as long as my arm all unfulfilled but the jump over the chasm is too large at the moment. Instead I need to get to them with little shuffling steps forward in the right directions. The moments I have been most proud of this year have been little victories. Those little things I couldn't do at the start of the year but have now done- even if it was only once. They are the glimmers of hope and the reassurance that things can get better however fleeting. Of these there are too many to list but again it comes back to my kids. Going to the nursery and meeting my daughter's teachers was a big thing. Latterly getting to the school at rush hour in that way too slim bottleneck of chaos to pick up my other daughter was also a milestone.

As much as there is small change there is still a lot of sameness. The 4 walls and couch I have seen so much of are still my main surroundings. Even the ability to get out and get further away is tempered by the fact that I still can't stay out so I inevitably return to confines of my cell. Until I can change this the greater part of my life will remain the same and we, as a family, will be stuck inside this home that we have long ago outgrown. And all the while I remain within when I want to be outwith. When there are occasions or even the urge to fly I am grounded.

All in all though a good year. Much better than previous ones. I have a hope that it is the start of something, a shift in the right direction. Who knows? Anything is possible.

Nothing to see here

Its been a week since the last drive and will be at least another week before we go anywhere substantial. I blame the weather. Snow, cold temperatures and mainly black ice have been keeping us off the roads. Today though at my request we had to pop out and already I was regretting it. My wife and kids came back 2 nights ago and panic came with them. It first arrived about 4 in the morning out of the blue waking me up and not letting me sleep until 3-4 hours later. And it just keeps coming in various guises. This, I told myself, was just another form. My abdomen felt like it was being ripped from the inside, I was trembling and felt like I was going to be physically sick. I'd asked to be dropped off to go and investigate what could possibly be a mine shaft but now wished to pull out. When I looked up my wife and three kids were dressed for the outdoors and ready to go. I had to go too.

My wife dropped me off close by. The original plan was she would go to the shop down the road and I'd phone to get picked up. The girls were going to come but now didn't want to. My wife decided it would probably be easier to wait. So I got out and took my jangly nerves with me down a path that looked endless. The noise was deafening. So many cars as rush hour approached on the dual carriageway which would soon come to a stop and with it darkness was coming too.



The more I walked the longer it seemed to be. Thoughts of the map had gone and I had no idea in my mental block where this supposed location was. There were no stomach problems or nausea but instead just rising panic as thoughts of distance divided by oxygen filled my mind. And the fact that I was going ever downhill was not lost on me. Going around a bend I saw no end to the road and wondered how far I could go before moving at speed back to the car.

Finally I found a turn off and started walking up the path. A man with a dog passed me and as I looked around I saw nothing but snow and trees. What was a little disorientating was the way the horizon in this woodland was a sheer slope to one side. I could also see paths leading here, there and everywhere like a forest labyrinth and with the thought of getting lost I retreated backwards out feeling a little defeated.



Coming back out on to the main path my internal safety mechanism was telling me it was way past time to go back but I fought the urge and tried to blank out all the swirling thoughts as I made my way further down the path. Fairly soon I found myself approaching Bothwell bridge and with that the knowledge that I had gone way too far. Not only could I not find what I was looking for but I had also walked too far from the car. Wanting to take with me a memory for later of where I had been in the form of an image rather than this unreliable old grey matter I stopped to take some photos. Another man with a dog appeared so I had to wait about for him to go in my paranoia. What really bumped the panic up was the man's smile and a worry inside that he was about to approach me for a chat.

It would have been nice to get some clear photos down here. Just take this sign for example. Once a pristine marker for walkers and cyclists it is now all but unreadable due to the continual passing fumes. I'm sure when driving by here many times there was an old wooden signpost which I wanted to capture but I couldn't find it and besides- it was time to get back to the car as quickly as I could on what little oxygen I had left. Remembering to loosen the body and remembering to regulate the breathing I set off but soon abandoned them in favour of gritted teeth and moving as quickly forward and uphill as I could.

Yet another stupid notion had sent me into one of these mad frenzy states of panic that I so enjoy: was there a mine shaft down here? More disappointment but at least an answer to my question. As I made my way back I looked down to see what I saw on the map. I should know by now, as per my search for the Clyde, that everything on google maps is flat and in reality isn't. Where I thought I just needed to hop over a fence a few yards to have a look I could now see it was a long drop down. Far beyond me at the moment but I could make out a stream running into it. So nothing nearly as romantic as an abandoned old mine shift worth exploring but instead probably a sewer or such like. Ah well, at least it got my out of the house and cured my curiosity.

It did not end there though. I got back to the car after giving my nerves a right good shake up and my wife drove to the shops. Its not one I've been in for a long a time and I pushed the boy in a trolley for a bit but panic kept rising. The aisles were spacious enough but the checkout was completely claustrophobic and a long line had formed about 10 deep at the only till with an assistant. For a few minutes more I tried to stick with it but it got too much and with my eldest daughter I made haste home on foot.

Back home now in safety but I can feel the momentum building. Today was just another couple of episodes to the growing number I have experienced in the past week or so. Its going to be difficult but that is just the way of things. At least now I can recognise it and if I need to not beat myself up for being unable to do the same as I was a few weeks ago. I don't think its coincidental that it comes during a time the kids are at home for two weeks fighting, screaming, shouting, demanding and all else from the crack of dawn when they rise to the wee small hours when they finally drift off. If I can attribute it to that then at least I have a time frame to work to. If not then I'll just have to get on with it.

White Christmas

It is hard to believe there are just 6 days until Christmas. I never feel it anymore. For the agoraphobic shut away from the hordes of shoppers frantically rushing about for last minute gifts Christmas is far away. As are the sounds of Slade, Roy Wood, Mariah Carey and the like that play through the shopping aisles as you push your trolley through the mass of bodies or drunkenly dance with your tie in your back pocket at the office disco. The one indoors is far removed from the spirit of the festive season. Instead, if they are like me, they spend hours online searching for gifts and then waiting patiently for the door to be knocked with their arrival.

This year though I am feeling it more than usual. The weather has played its part for once. Once the past day or so we have had snow. Not a lot but enough to paint the town white and blind us with a brilliant reflection of the low winter sun in all directions. There are footsteps carved in the ground of not only the denizens but dogs, cats and even birds- a new game of foot spotting has resulted on the walks with the kids. It is cold beneath blue sky but there is nothing like wrapping up to go out with the promise of a hot drink or soup on your return.

Equally at night the lights add to the occasion. I'm not used to being out in the car at this time of year so had forgotten what it was like. There seems to be more illuminated houses than I remember. Most are subtle but there are a good few extreme cases which are dazzling. The kids love looking out for them and I feel like a big kid to seeing these things for the first time. And when you see the usual arrays of Santa, reindeer, snowmen and the rest it does add to the effect when the surrounds are peppered with the white of winter.

Last night we drove to Rutherglen which the kids enjoyed. From here to there we pass through the main streets of a number of little towns like my own, Halfway and Cambuslang who all have their own assortment of Christmas lights lining the central road and Christmas trees scattered along the way. Some were better than others with our own town's lighting falling well short of the mark. Without stopping we passed by my wife's aunt's house as a dry run. Next week we will go again and drop off presents. It used to be her gran's house until she died and my wife takes the kids a lot there in the summer as she has a big garden. Afterwards we worked out that the last time I was there was Christmas 2005 when we picked up her aunt to take her to Perth on Christmas Eve with a just a 2 year old girl and little 6 month baby girl in tow. Back then Christmas felt like something special and maybe that feeling is returning. As much as I don't enjoy the company of others I do enjoy the occasion with the present opening, meal, walks down the park and other festivities.

This Christmas for the fourth year in a row though I will be spending it alone. I insist that the kids are in their own beds on Christmas eve so that I am up early to see them awake and then open their presents. After that they will get ready and my wife will whisk them up north for a few days. Maybe that is why I have lost the feeling of Christmas for so long. Up until this year it has been a brief passing moment of a few hours on Christmas day before returning to solitude. This time it has lasted longer and I can only hope that this time next year it is longer still. Maybe I might get in the car to and head up to wonderland with the family.

Homesick footballer

In 6 months time the biggest football tournament on the planet kicks off in South Africa where 32 nations from 6 different confederations. The holders Italy will be looking to defend the cup but to do so they must become the first European nation to win a finals hosted outside of Europe. Brazil and Argentina will provide the biggest competition outside of Europe with England, Portugal, Germany and France providing the biggest competition within. And of course the European Champions Spain. A lot of eyes will be falling on them as they will be one of the favourites. One young man wants to be part of that squad. The management want him to be there. The nation want him to be there. But it looks likely he won't. So much desire on all fronts but even that cocktail of motivation falls short of what is required.

Jesús Navas (González)is an exciting 24 year old football playing for one of Spain's top club sides, Sevilla. He is a troubled soul who has had the world at his feet for a number of years but been held back due to what is termed as chronic homesickness. As a youngster he had to train in Murcia, which is about 500km from Sevilla, and after a few days he suffered from bad anxiety attacks which forced him home. Later with his club he was in Huelva which like Sevilla is in Andalucía and less than 100km away. Here he suffered so bad from anxiety attacks that his father had to come and drive him home. His talent brought attention from Chelsea FC and while Sevilla agreed to sell Navas he refused to go because of his problem. Finally he quit international football which must have been gutting considering his dream was to play for the senior side. There has been a lot of sympathy for the footballer but some of his team mates have not been understanding. Some have even had a go at him in the press. One in particular said he should 'act like a man'.

It makes you wonder though. Here is a man who wants something. Lots of other people want it too. He has the drive and motivation to do it. He has the money to do it. He has the medical help at hand to do being part of a large football club. Every element is there for the best possible chance of a recovery and still he has struggled on unable to overcome his problem. So why not? Personally I think it just goes to show that there is an element that is beyond out control no matter how much we have at our disposal. That element is the fact that there is no definitive path to recovery and these anxiety related conditions are still poorly researched.

Well there is good news. Young Navas made his debut for the Spanish national team in Madrid last month playing 10 minutes. A few days later he played a whole 45 minutes for Spain in Vienna. It would appear that things are going in the right direction but only time will tell whether he will be in South Africa in 6 months time from now. He has at least given himself a chance. I for one hope after all he has been through he finally realises his dream and I hope the rest of us do too.

Castle

Since June I've had 134 drives and covered 1011 miles to date. They vary from a drive to the nursery and back of little under a mile to trips around Lanarkshire covering up to 40 miles. Not bad for someone who for the three and a half years or so before it couldn't even get in a car. BUT...I feel nothing. I feel no more confident and in fact am waiting for it all to crumble again.

On Wednesday we went for a drive during the day. One girl was at school and the other was up at her grandparents 60 mile away so it was me and the boy with my wife driving. We drove through another place nearby and I was surprised to find the localcastle there- not where I thought. Or maybe it as as there are no clear boundaries but regardless we found it. I'd wanted to go there for a while but it looked too far on the map. Yet here we were and had not planned it. It wasn't far at all. The only problem though was that it was nearing time to pick up my daughter from the school- something I have still not attempted but on the 'To do' list. So we had no time to walk down and explore. Instead I got out and took a few photographs. But now that it is so near at hand we will go there soon for a nose around.

When I went to get back in the car my wife suggested I drive back. No chance. I wouldn't even drive this when I was well never mind now in the day time. Already I was feeling anxious being far from home which never leaves. And at this point I had no inkling that I had driven in over 6 weeks. She persisted though and this is where I usually dig in my heels but this time I didn't. Suddenly I thought it wasn't that big a deal. So I got in and drove home. It wasn't too bad. The tension in my body was high as I couldn't relax and I did spend most of the time thought fighting but it wasn't as bad as some drives I've had in the past. As it was a country road I had to keep my whits about me anyway as it was all twists and turns.

So it can be done and on this occasion I did actually need a kick up the backside to get me going. My plan is now not to wait for that little push but to start looking to take that initiative myself. There are times when you just can't do it but as I keep saying to myself there are times when it is possible. These are the times I must recognise for myself and make the most of. I have some plans for next week which involve walks as well as driving. I also want to read up on the castle before I go so I know what I am looking at rather than wandering about a ruin. The driving seems to be taking care of itself. As I said before its the staying out I must work on. The castle could present that opportunity and hopefully that will come next week.