Waiting for the sun

 

As I sit in the living room of a first floor flat looking out of the window at birds in the naked trees, being pulled to one side by a driving wind, I am slightly unsettled by the unfamiliarity of the scene despite doing it for two decades. Its a cold depressing scene but unfortunately not much better indoors. The nausea, as Sartre would have it. Looking to the grey void above I am filled with an impatience for summer to arrive and rescue us from this bland melancholic period of emptiness.

Maybe I took all those previous summers for granted or maybe its just so long ago I long for it again. Two summers ago I sat out all day and into night with a few beers and the company of a neighbour- my family were away. Last summer I spent it in a hospital ward or a rehabilitation unit seeing the outside only through a window. Why? A moment of extreme stupidity which led to a fall and a bang to the head for my troubles.

All of that though is behind me and I look forward instead. Its a new stage in my life. Not just in the case of my own mental and physical well being but in the lives of my children. In particular the biggest change, scheduled for later this year, is the expected birth of my first grandchild. An event pending which I obviously want to be welcoming while getting in to the best condition I possibly can.

I've had a rough 18 months or so but can be thankful that prior to that I had very little to complain about in my life. I am still on the road to recovery but every day I do feel I am getting stronger. I have memory issues now but I hope my blogging will help with those. I also hope that like previously it will spur me on to push out of my comfort zone. As much as I would love to be out and about taking photos again I have to concede that it is not going to happen any time soon given the last time I was outside was the day an ambulance brought me home. It will happen but it will take time. Baby steps. I have been here before except this time its mental and physical barriers rather than just mental. 

I obviously don't know where this road will lead but I do know I am determined to have a good stab at it. This is my life of course. It would be gravely negligent to just give up. And that phrase, "give up", still rings in my ears. I'll get to why in time as its a post on its own to be written another day.