Livingston

Of late I have been talking a lot of flashbacks. Memories flashing and going but leaving a lingering impression in the fabric. Like my life flashing before my eyes over a long period of time. A different life almost foreign. From the place I grew up to places I went or places I worked or situations I just happened to wonder in to. Slowly I am crossing those off and they will never return because these flashes are from the long distant past and I am slowly bringing them to the recent past so they have no need to flash. They are sort of insignificant in a way. The pass quickly. They do not affect me adversely. They are not a problem. They are random, completely random. But I cannot help thinking they have a purpose. The purpose possibly is a lure. Maybe, not sure.

I was born in Glasgow and my first home  was in Glasgow but I was far too young to remember any of it. For most of my life I was brought up in Livingston and as far as memories go this is where it all began. But that span of memory is unlike most people's childhood, teenage years and beyond who like in one place all of that time. The surrounds changed. It was a new town, one of several, basically still being build as I grew up. I remember from small area and lots of grass to the large town it is now. It was build as a place to house the overspills from both Glasgow and Edinburgh and as such there was a strange mix of accent. Its a place I last visited 10 years ago on the day my gran was cremated and I left for the last time. At one time my gran, granda and uncle stayed in that house while I lived with my parents, brother and sister across the road. My gran had two sisters living in seperate homes nearby while my dad had a cousin and his family nearby two. When my gran died all that was left in the town was my brother in a rented flat and there was really no reason to return. All my friends had since moved on too- nearly all of them at least.

Its a place I have though over the past few years want to return to. Just to get it out my system. Just to stitch the random images together in my head and put it all together. Its something that has been well beyond my for a long time but on Sunday my wife suggested we take a drive there. As usual I said we could try but the chances are I would have to ask her to turn around when we got so far. And that is what I fully expected.

I did not expect to get there. I did not expect the photo above. At the time it felt very surreal and now it feels just as a surreal. In that photograph, though not clear, are my first home in Livingston (also pictured more clearly in the top image), my primary school, my high school and two of my children. Its like two different lives colliding. Its the sort of thing which at the time could have led me to panic but thankfully didn't. It just kind of numbed me. I actually felt a bit sad if I am honest. Life moves on and I think of the times spent there, lots of time there, and it has now all passed. It all passed a long time ago. The past and future in one image. My past and future.

We visited some places. We went to my gran's home, my parents home and i went into a pub I used to frequent which is all changed now. A guy standing having a fag at the door, I am still smoke free, saw how bewildered I looked when I could not work out where the bar was and so pointed me in the right direction. I paused for a bit and we stared at each other. Turns out we knew each other. Time makes strangers of us all. Noone inside the pub I knew on exploring so I left not long after I had arrived.

In the end my wife decide on getting a chippy for the kids to eat on the way home. I was shocked by how I could not remember where any were and how I could not work out how to get from one place to another. So much lost over the years. Shocking really. I finally remembered one and we went there. While waiting there I phoned my brother and we arranged to drop in and see him. Because the kids were eating though we just hung about at the car.

It was not the last either. At last we left and on the way home my wife suggested we drop in on my sister. She was working though but I got to see my niece and nephew and brother-in-law. Then it was to my parents house and it says a lot that when I chapped the door and my mum answered it took at least 5 seconds for her to register who it was. I have not been there in 10 years. And there I was again.

I could go on. So many boxes ticked and a line under a few things. I know I don't need to go back to Livingston any time soon. It is done. And I am happy it is is done. Its one niggly agitation I can remove from the background. I know those flashbacks won't return for there at least. Now I just have to tackle the others. It could be their purpose is indeed to take me out into the world again and reconnect with it.

Revisiting the past

Mixed times continue. Like Pulp fiction and others let me start at the end and work my way back. It was panic of sorts from intense pain. We had been out nearly two hours yesterday and it had been amazing- in my world- but now it had all changed. My wife stopped he car outside Farmfoods and I was getting really annoyed as she messed about trying to park in a stupid little space when there were so empty spaces around her. One of those stupid little things that should not annoy me but does- my wife's OCD. But my annoyance was heightened by the fact I was in agony. My tooth was so sore. Not just my tooth. Its the bottom right molar but its also the top teeth, the cheek bone, the chin, the jaw, the inner ear and especially an acute pain in the temple. I could not cope. I was agitated so told her I was going to walk home. She shrugged but I ended up following her in. We had been to Iceland and they were out of hot dog rolls for the kids' dinner. As it turned out Farmfoods were out too. My wife got in the car and made the short jaunt to Lidl while I walked there. No rolls there either. What is that all about? At least we were done. We could go home. As soon as I got in the door I took 2 Ibruprofen and brushed my teeth vigorously. This pain had been lasting an hour and a half so I knew at that point I had half an hour to an hour still to go. The pain had come on roughly the same time as Monday and Tuesday. There was a pattern as I said in the last post. Still not sure what it is but know there is one.

The pain stuck to form and by the time I arrived at the school to pick up the kids with my wife the pain was gone. Its such a relief when it goes but then I know it will be back. It would be back later and I knew that and it did come back. Twice a day and roughly the same time each day. It got me thinking. I looked back at my notes to find there were only two days when that was not the case- Saturday and Sunday. I slept longer so was it that? No. I don't think so. I think maybe its something else. I think I have been going about this all wrong. The pain is like a sensitivity pain. I remember a long long time ago whenever I got this I got a massive lump of toothpaste on a brush and brushed it hard into the tooth and I kept adding more until the pain eased. And to an extent this is what I have been doing this time- vigorous brushing. But at the weekend I did not brush at all because the teeth had been so sore and I did not want to aggrevate them. I looked up a site about sensitive teeth and it said it was better to use a soft brush and brush lightly. Was I actually causing this to get worse? What really pushed it for me was the teeth themselves were not sore to begin with but after a week have gotten sore and uncomfortable to touch in two different places. I think I have brushed too hard and caused them problems. I may be wrong but for the next few days it will be the gentle approach. The dentist still looms if I am honest but until I am forced these desperate illogical diversions hold my sanity intact.

All this though is not what I wanted to post about. Up until that point of pain it had been a great day and one I never thought I would see. Over the years I have mentioned at times flashbacks. I get these flashbacks of places I have been. They are recognisable even though I have not been in a long time. They are brief and are not of places that brought a fantastic memory or a real desire to return but just a moment of past life.

One set come from a shopping centre in Hamilton. I used to go there all the time with my wife but have not been there in about 13 years, maybe more. I get flashbacks of places like the big Woolworths I know is now gone or picking up a family tree magazine in W H Smith. Little things but no way to return there. Today I did and was very proud. Its a big step forward. My wife drove and we went to the car park at the bus station. This brought memories flooding back. You would not think a car park would do this but its one that you go in via an automatic bar and have to take a ticket and before you leave you need to take your ticket to a machine and pay it in full in order to leave via another bar. All that came flooding back. I had forgotten all about it.

I had, on the off chance, taken my wallet and a cheque with me from a card protection company who paid out the meager sum of £25 when others were getting 3 figures. We went into the bank and I manage with the help of an assistant to deposit the cheque into my account via a cashline- really nifty as it even gives you back a photocopy of your cheque. That was a big thing but getting to the shopping centre was the big challenge. We crossed the busy road towards there. I noticed  a pub on the road and the name was familiar. I asked my wife about it. She said I had never been in it but it was a local haunt for her when she worked around the corner. I joked that we could go in for a drink. Why not?, was her reply. Another day maybe.

We walked around the shopping centre. Again so many memories came flooding back. So many places I forgot about. I bought a bacon roll to much while going around and seeing shops I had forgotten about as well as asking my wife if other shops had been there a decade ago. Its a place I thought about so many times and never thought I would get to. No special reason to get there other than because I never thought I would and now I had. It was exciting.

We made our way back to the car. As we passed that pub I said to my wife: let's do it. And so we were in and I was at the bar and bought myself a pint for only the second time in a decade or so. I bought my wife a ginger beer and we sat in the busy little pub. Not once did I feel anxious. It was nice to just sit there, relax and enjoy it. By the time I finished my wife asked if I wanted another. I was so tempted. I felt so nice and relaxed. But I knew I  would regret it. I would not go to the school for the kids and I would probably fall asleep while watching the kids at night. We left. I was happy but soon  I was wishing I'd had a second beer. As soon as we were outside the cold air must have got to the teeth and the ache started.

It will not be the last time. We will return there and maybe next time it will be by train. We will go other places too. Maybe problems at the moment but I won't let that hold me back. I want to keep pushing on.

Goodbye and hello

Don't worry. I won't mention every passing minute as if its a landmark but did want to just say at midday today I reached one week since my last cigarette. By rights I should have more energy and do appear to. My breathing should also be better but it is not. Whether that is because I am blocked up still or  fatigued I don't know but my breathing has been really bad. That said it has not stopped me putting in a lot of miles and maybe that is why I feel so breathless. The worst thing of all though is toothache. Its really weird and not in a good way but about 8 hours after my last cigarette I started to get toothache. And this has continued and at times is agony. It would seem unrelated and may be but something is niggling at me. I googled and found I am not the only ever to have toothache after quitting. If they had told me about that I honestly might have thought twice until I could at least visit a dentist.

Now this is a big problem. Its getting so bad I cannot help but put off the inevitable and at the same time know I cannot do it: see a dentist. Or at least that is what I thought. The world and I have changed. The last time I had to go to a dentist was 2003. I said to my wife I may have to at least register with her dentist and she said I would be lucky. Why? There is probably a waiting list. What? A waiting list, you may have to wait. So what if the pain is agony? Am I supposed to suffer? She said I'd probably have to go to hospital and get an extraction or whatever there. So not good. I had no problems in the past but she told me that was because I paid in the past and now I am NHS its different. So many worries over that. Being a smoker, or ex, and not a regular to the dentist I of course fear what a dentist will find. I know my mouth is in a mess so am also embarrassed. And on top of all that I can barely sit in the waiting room never mind have work done on the chair. For now its back to burying my head in the sand in the hope that if I get to that desperate stage then the desperation will see me through even if there is a massive mental fallout after.

It has therefore been difficult as this problem dominates my mind. Something though tells me there is more to it. I had pain nearly all week in my right nostril in the lead up to quitting and as well as being blocked up since my right ear is sore and feels like it could be ear infection. So many problems and I try to put them out of my mind so I can get on. And I am doing it to some extent. I keep pushing myself.  This morning for example I found myself standing in a small gym hall at the school for 10 minutes surrounded by children and parents. Its the primary 7 school trip and my oldest child was leaving for 5 days- at quite a cost. It wasn't as hard to say goodbye as we thought it would be. There were alot of mothers crying and upset but we were not feeling it and I think there is a reason for it. I have noticed most people around my way have family around them- grandparents, uncles, aunts and all that. For this reason they are not used to their children going away for a long spell. My wife's family and my family all live far away. We are on our own here but when the kids have gone away its usually been for the best part of a week so we are used to it. Anyway I managed to stay through the whole waiting to leave thing and eventually waved them off.

Later we were out in the car to take things to the tip. We got there to find the tip was closed due to some safety issue and instead had to drive quite a bit away to the only other tip we knew of. That done we decided to have a drive while we were out. I suggested we go to Hamilton because at some point I will have to go there soon as that is where the job centre is. I had planned to try getting out in the middle of town but the toothache flared to the point I just wanted to go home. My wife then managed to talk me into going to the big shopping centre there which is on two floors. I had not been there in over 10 years. I was reluctant only because I was in so much pain but then I thought the pain might actually distract me enough to get through it or the shop might distract me from the pain or I might as well try it as I can pull out at any time and my wife would understand.

It had all changed from my last visit there. In my head at least. It was two floors and I said that I didn't remember that to my wife and she said that is because when I was last there it was only one floor. We did a shop and I didn't feel the urge to run. At the frozen food section I was suddenly aware the toothache had gone. I checked my phone for the time. Noted that once again the really intense pain had lasted an hour and a half. There is some pattern to this. I don't know what but there is a pattern. I will work it out.

My wife finally headed for the checkout. I knew where I had to go. I had to go upstairs. I could not go in there and avoid the upper floor. So I told her and went. Escalators. I have not been on one of those..well,  long time. There I was going up and feeling weird but not as weird as coming down for some reason as there was little grip and it seem to make you walk down at the same time. I wondered the perimeter of the upstairs taking in the electronics, cafe and other sections. I then took a photo from the top. All good. Calm and pain free. If there was no toothache these would be very good times. Its never that simple.

A strange old day. Saying goodbye to the present in the morning and later saying hello to the distant past. I seem to be getting there. I am going places that not so long ago I never thought I would ever get to again. 

Explorer

I've probably mentioned it before. I fail to see how I could not have. I mean the town I live in has a famous son and he was an explorer of some repute. And here is me are opposite end an agoraphobic. Two very contrasting people from different times. Today I wanted to get myself into the mind of the explorer. Well actually that is not true. I went out for a walk and at some point decided to just let go and explore regardless of consequence. It was a great feeling at the time but the walk home was a struggle.

I have overdone it this week. I have gone from struggling to do a mile a day to walking more than I have ever walked in one week- over 36 miles. I am nearing a week since I quit smoking and feel I will never return to it but surely this alone has not brought on the change. Not sure. But I am battering in the miles even if I do feel totally shattered for it. Today I went down a place I had been to a long time ago, over 5 years in fact. At that time from a map I thought it may be a mine shaft and worth exploring but it turned out to be a sewer on inspection. To get there I had to get my wife to drive me down to it. This time I went completely on foot.

There is not a lot to say except that I've only just noticed all the photos I have been taking of late have been square and so cropping has really messed them up. I had a good old explore down those woulds and felt free. This time I had no safety net- no wife in a car waiting. This time I pushed on and explored. And I was OK. But like so many times in the past when I decided it was time to head for home that was when the panic started to hit. I realised with over a mile to walk home that my body was exhausted and even though it was cold I had to take off my jacket because I felt agitated. I did get home though and got a good rest. Think I might be pushing too hard though.

That said I am losing fear for sure. I have noticed more and more I am willing to step out of my comfort zone and willing to face the inevitable panic. So far I have managed to keep on top of it. I am not sure I will be exploring Africa anytime soon but I am becoming ever more the explorer. 

Eclipse

The big news today was of course the solar eclipse. The first one in X years and all the rest. My wife told me we were in Menorca at the time of the last one. That sort of rings a bell. If nothing else it gave me a reason to go out and a chance to get the camera out locally without people thinking I was a nutter. The product of that is poor. I have not been taking many photographs of late and need to get myself back into photography again. You can barely see the eclipse at all. In actual fact I accidentally had the camera set on video and so had to screen print afterwards. Even at that the photo is poor. Aside from getting out though the other reason for taking it was the kids. They were looking forward to seeing it but were in school when it occurred so they asked if I could take a photo. At least I got something which they were happy with.

Of late I have been taking the kids on my own to school as I posted about before. Its good. I had a spell where that stopped because of illness but glad to say not only am I back at it again but I am taking them different routes too. This one here is through the woodlands to the train station. They love it. We go down there quite and hope to see some wildlife. The checklist includes Squirrel, Deer, Fox, Pine Marten and  others. 

I dropped the kids off at school promising again to get a photo of the eclipse and then went home. I nearly forgot about the eclipse so it was a rush out the door and although I ensured I had my camera I did not check it. On a side note this is my X10. I haven't been usuing my GX1 since my wife dropped it and the door broke. Last week though with some tinkering I managed to fix it so I hope to start learning photography again using it as it functions pretty much as a DSLR would. It was a pain having to tape the door shut every time I needed to charge the battery or take out the SD Card so I stopped using it. As I didn't check my camera I didn't realise it was on Movie mode. In my head I was heading down the street and under the rail bridge into a clearing in the woodland which would give me privacy and plenty of space to photograph from. That was the idea at least. I got halfway down the street when I noticed two women getting out a parked car and one of them with her camera phone pointed East. It was in front of the council building and I was then aware of all the faces at the windows looking on. I looked up to find cloud and just within a partial eclipse. Shit! I quickly got the camera out and realised I was stuck behind a fence. I had to find a gap and as I went to shoot realised it was taking  video rather than photograph. Argh! I could not come out of it. I had no idea how long the eclipse would last and might not get anything so had to go with it. As it turned out it did not last long at all. I nearly missed the whole thing. I had something but was annoyed with myself for being so unprepared.  

Afterward I went on a jaunt through the woodlands. It was good. I felt more confident about exploring. This is now my 4th day smoke free and although I don't feel any different it must be doing something positive. I took a path down to the David Livingston centre I had taken a few times but at this time of year with no leaves on the trees I could see down to the water and decided to explore. Now here was another moment of frustration. My camera was in my pocket and I took the descent down to water when I spotted something darting along a path. At first I thought it was a big dog, my eyesight is not great, but then noticed too late it was a deer. What would have really made the kids day. For the second time in those woods I had missed a deer. I am sure the kids think I am making it up. It tired following it but knew I wouldn't keep up. I did though manage some exploring and it turned into a good morning.

Frustrated

I really don't know where this year has gone. Its hard to believe that already we are into the 3rd month. I am trying not to complain so have as a result not been posting much because all I seem to have are complaints about this, that and the other. From the virus we had I have struggled to get free and back in the saddle and time has passed. At the same time I fear that all the progress I made last year has fallen away and I will go out finding it as hard as it used to be.

I have been out. Slowly I have been pushing out and what I have been finding is anxiety is OK but fatigue is not. I am finding I just do not have he strength and energy to go far. We are into March and I have only been out once at the weekend all year so far. This week for example I have only managed 1 walk per day and even that has been a mile at a push. Its a massive drop from last year and the year before even. Its poor.

I can only hope it gets better. I will for now leave any more posting until I have something positive to day as these posts are not worth reading but I think its always worth updating however short.