Flat

This pic doesn't tell a story. It was more an experiment which didn't quite work. Looking around at different photos I am drawn to some black and white effects which I tried to create here with a fallen leaf. But to be honest I think its not quite possible because my little camera doesn't capture in RAW format, only JPG. That is limiting when processing. But it wasted an hour or two anyway and its a bit more interesting than any other image this week.

We all seem to be tired this week, maybe its the crap weather. It darkens the mood. The joys of living in a windy, wet, cold and dark Scottish winter. Bad neck pain this week too which I think comes from tension which in turns comes from anxiety and probably lack of physical activity too given its not going out weather. And that effects everything else: upper arms, shoulders, back and even face in the jaws and the eyes which burn. That apart I have nothing else to moan about you'll be pleased to read.

That was until Friday when my wife went out and came straight back in to report we had a flat tire. So I set about getting it changed while she walked to work. What a palava. Its five years since I changed a tyre and it used to be so simple. Not anymore, for me anyway. All day Friday and most of Saturday eventually even having to get someone to come and help in the end. I have never come across locking nuts before. That was a learning experience that took up most of that time after much headscratching on my part and even a Facebook post to ask why I had 4 bolts and they were not all the same shape.

No sense of achievement. Just sheepish and feeling stupid. My wife eventually got a guy from her work to come and have a look after I finally got the bolts off but the wheel was glued to the car. He just kicked it off. Something I didn't want to do in case I broke something on the car that cost us to get repaired or worse- broke something on my foot. Anyway that didn't help with my sense of stupidity. Apparently its common for alloys to become fused. If anything though I will know in future and I have learned something new.

Nuts, Maybe

Twice this week I have managed to get halfway but no further but at no point have I walked early to school. Just not up for it. But I gave a pledge to myself to get out more and right away my wife must have sensed it. It was ridiculous, I told myself, to decline the offer from my wife early in the day to go out in the car. So I sat fighting with that for a time and then said I would go but not for a long drive expecting a mile, panic and quick retreat. Half an hour later we were at the David Livingston Centre. We stopped and I took some photos of the monument there which I was going to use here- another day perhaps. As we left my wife spotted a squirrel.

She stopped the car and I took what I could from the window cursing my little camera with its shitty little zoom. Wishing I had a big telescoping effort reaching out of the car to bring the little furry thing crisp into view. I knew if I got out the squirrel would beat it up the nearest tree so I had to rely on the shitty little 5x zoom to get what I could- above. My knowledge of wildlife could fit on a postage stamp but I'm sure these little creatures don't let you get close. This squirrel didn't stick around long. Not a great pick but best I could do.

After the squirrel we picked the boy up from nursery which I have not done for a while and in all we were out an hour which is good and I hope to try to build on that. Getting out in the car means not sitting at home in my head. Getting out in any form is good for me. I need more of it balanced against the anxiety it inevitably causes.

Not a great photo. Its for a reason. One day this week I had a massive, and strange, urge. Its been on my mind for a while I think. Every time I see my ties in the drawers which were worn every work day for god knows how long. Shirt, tie, dress trousers and shoes. I was made redundant in July 2005 and all that stopped. Having been forced to dress that way for so long I refused to after except on special occasions. The last of those was a christening in June 2006. I haven't worn shoes since then and I don't think, to my knowledge, I current own a pair. Its just boots or trainers. Not only have I not worn a tie since that day but not a shirt either. No reason to. T-Shirts and jumpers. So today after a shower I decided rather than getting a T-shirt out of the drawer and a jumper because its bloody cold I would try the bottom drawer which I never go into. In there was a shirt I got for Christmas. Hasn't been touched, again no need to. I put it on. It felt strange. I also put a pair of trousers I had not worn for probably the same length of times- later on I found a tenner in the back pocket which was nice. It felt different. It felt unusual. The wife and then the kids when they came in from school looked startled and commented. Probably a one off. Just felt like a change.

Later that day out of the blue the inlaws came. They said they would stay for an hour and over 2 hours later they left which wiped me out. They took the girls with them which was very good of them. The schools were off for the latter half of the week and my wife and son went up there later in the week for a few days. Some peace during that time, I am thankful. And the girls will have a great time too having a big house to run about in and a big garden to play in as well as the other things their grandparents usually do for them. They are very lucky that way.

Panic mornings

Something to remember. Eight Fifty. I'm never out at that time. Well I did earlier in the year to do the drives to school but not for a walk. Not for a walk to school. But I did this week. I went with my family towards the school expecting to push myself to get a quarter of the way there at best and suffer for that a few hours after. But I got halfway and then that was more than enough. It was fine. I hope to do it more, maybe even push further. My wife had forgotten I was there. Its a start. It means little in the scheme of things. But something for me to remember. Something for the blog. An achievement. A pat of the back. I am trying.

But I only did that walk one time. Maybe next week. The day after that I went to my wife's work and had a fantastic big panic attack. Was going to provide a photo but there was nothing to see. And that is the things. There are times I want to talk about stuff but can't provide a photo to go with it. No one to capture me running away. Nothing really to see as its all internal. I had walked the long way down to her work with the boy, sat in the car (had my own keys), waited, waited some more, tried calling her, no answer and that was enough to make me panic. I actually contemplated scaling a wall with the boy at one point as it was the shortest route from A to B. I was halfway across the car park when she appeared. Not stopping I sent the boy in her direction and fled home on foot like an idiot. She of course got home before me.

Above is me bringing up the rear. Halfway down that path is a crossroads which you may be able to see. That is halfway. That is far as I have got. Note the way my wife is walking. Its not because she is a loon but because she started off the year with discomfort in her knee, got an operation off an NHS surgeon with a rusty saw and now is in constant pain with a limp to match. Bloody great. And they will do nothing about it, say they can do nothing. They feed her painkillers but are now wanting to give her pain management as an alternative. Bastards! Really. That is not right. She should see a lawyer I think.


Its not just panic that have curbed my walks but the weather. Don't get me wrong I love walking in the rain. Don't mind the wind too much. But when its rain, wind and freezing its no fun. Not weather for getting the wee unwaterproof camera out. Lots of spoiled photos and not much to take anyway.