Flat

This pic doesn't tell a story. It was more an experiment which didn't quite work. Looking around at different photos I am drawn to some black and white effects which I tried to create here with a fallen leaf. But to be honest I think its not quite possible because my little camera doesn't capture in RAW format, only JPG. That is limiting when processing. But it wasted an hour or two anyway and its a bit more interesting than any other image this week.

We all seem to be tired this week, maybe its the crap weather. It darkens the mood. The joys of living in a windy, wet, cold and dark Scottish winter. Bad neck pain this week too which I think comes from tension which in turns comes from anxiety and probably lack of physical activity too given its not going out weather. And that effects everything else: upper arms, shoulders, back and even face in the jaws and the eyes which burn. That apart I have nothing else to moan about you'll be pleased to read.

That was until Friday when my wife went out and came straight back in to report we had a flat tire. So I set about getting it changed while she walked to work. What a palava. Its five years since I changed a tyre and it used to be so simple. Not anymore, for me anyway. All day Friday and most of Saturday eventually even having to get someone to come and help in the end. I have never come across locking nuts before. That was a learning experience that took up most of that time after much headscratching on my part and even a Facebook post to ask why I had 4 bolts and they were not all the same shape.

No sense of achievement. Just sheepish and feeling stupid. My wife eventually got a guy from her work to come and have a look after I finally got the bolts off but the wheel was glued to the car. He just kicked it off. Something I didn't want to do in case I broke something on the car that cost us to get repaired or worse- broke something on my foot. Anyway that didn't help with my sense of stupidity. Apparently its common for alloys to become fused. If anything though I will know in future and I have learned something new.

Frustrated

I've not talked about other problems of late here but will do now as I think its having a big effect on my anxiety. I'd forgotten our financial woes. The bomb shell was two and a half weeks ago. I'd forgotten about it. Hoped it had blown over and all been a proper mistake. No such luck. The double whammy, that delusion being the first. The second was the lying bastards have billed us for the previous year which they said to my wife on the phone they wouldn't do. Bunch of lying f***ers who had the cheek to give us a letter basically saying they were glad that we agreed we were fraudulent when it was those bastards that made the mistake. I am talking about the tax people who made a mistake in payments to us, have overpaid us and want the money back saying it was our fault. This is a double hit. Firstly the new payments are a lot smaller which is fair enough but also because they have been overpaying it will be even smaller as they take off what they are owed.

Sorry for the language but even now I am fuming. I hate them. I don't mind paying it back if it can be done in terms we can afford but I don't like being made to a look like a thief when it was their mistake, bastards. So not in the best of moods. Had to take that photo above. That just about sent me over the edge. At Christmas my wife bought me a laptop beany tray and recently a part of it keeps popping out and I have to spend half an hour picking up numerous tiny polystyrene balls. So when it happened for the third time this week I blew a fuse. Almost snapped the thing in two. Then I calmed. When my wife came back later I got the super glue and glued the bastard shut. Just a bad week. My wife was in tears when I spoke to her because she believed the HMRC, took them at their word and didn't read between the lines in that letter where they were blaming us. I cannot get the worry out of my head. It keeps going around in loops. Have to let it go but I just can't seem to and its doing me no good. As I said its affecting my anxiety and making me prone to fits of anger, taunting me like those polystyrene balls.



Cold wet and windy outside for most of the week so preferred to stay indoors. Lazy sod. This was a big day for my son though not much of a photo. When we got the laptop a couple of months back the girls were all excited about having their own log in account with password. The boy had to make do with a log in and no password because he's only three. But over the past week he has somehow learned to type his name and not only that he can type everyone else's name too. So I set up his name as a password and he is over the moon. Learning to type before he can write. Changed days from when I was a lad.



For most of the week I have been alone. Not much to take photos of. Clutching at straws. I went for a walk on one day and found this abandoned tricycle. Another example of tipping. Don't want it, dump it. Some child's pride and joy at some point.

Nuts, Maybe

Twice this week I have managed to get halfway but no further but at no point have I walked early to school. Just not up for it. But I gave a pledge to myself to get out more and right away my wife must have sensed it. It was ridiculous, I told myself, to decline the offer from my wife early in the day to go out in the car. So I sat fighting with that for a time and then said I would go but not for a long drive expecting a mile, panic and quick retreat. Half an hour later we were at the David Livingston Centre. We stopped and I took some photos of the monument there which I was going to use here- another day perhaps. As we left my wife spotted a squirrel.

She stopped the car and I took what I could from the window cursing my little camera with its shitty little zoom. Wishing I had a big telescoping effort reaching out of the car to bring the little furry thing crisp into view. I knew if I got out the squirrel would beat it up the nearest tree so I had to rely on the shitty little 5x zoom to get what I could- above. My knowledge of wildlife could fit on a postage stamp but I'm sure these little creatures don't let you get close. This squirrel didn't stick around long. Not a great pick but best I could do.

After the squirrel we picked the boy up from nursery which I have not done for a while and in all we were out an hour which is good and I hope to try to build on that. Getting out in the car means not sitting at home in my head. Getting out in any form is good for me. I need more of it balanced against the anxiety it inevitably causes.

Not a great photo. Its for a reason. One day this week I had a massive, and strange, urge. Its been on my mind for a while I think. Every time I see my ties in the drawers which were worn every work day for god knows how long. Shirt, tie, dress trousers and shoes. I was made redundant in July 2005 and all that stopped. Having been forced to dress that way for so long I refused to after except on special occasions. The last of those was a christening in June 2006. I haven't worn shoes since then and I don't think, to my knowledge, I current own a pair. Its just boots or trainers. Not only have I not worn a tie since that day but not a shirt either. No reason to. T-Shirts and jumpers. So today after a shower I decided rather than getting a T-shirt out of the drawer and a jumper because its bloody cold I would try the bottom drawer which I never go into. In there was a shirt I got for Christmas. Hasn't been touched, again no need to. I put it on. It felt strange. I also put a pair of trousers I had not worn for probably the same length of times- later on I found a tenner in the back pocket which was nice. It felt different. It felt unusual. The wife and then the kids when they came in from school looked startled and commented. Probably a one off. Just felt like a change.

Later that day out of the blue the inlaws came. They said they would stay for an hour and over 2 hours later they left which wiped me out. They took the girls with them which was very good of them. The schools were off for the latter half of the week and my wife and son went up there later in the week for a few days. Some peace during that time, I am thankful. And the girls will have a great time too having a big house to run about in and a big garden to play in as well as the other things their grandparents usually do for them. They are very lucky that way.

Panic mornings

Something to remember. Eight Fifty. I'm never out at that time. Well I did earlier in the year to do the drives to school but not for a walk. Not for a walk to school. But I did this week. I went with my family towards the school expecting to push myself to get a quarter of the way there at best and suffer for that a few hours after. But I got halfway and then that was more than enough. It was fine. I hope to do it more, maybe even push further. My wife had forgotten I was there. Its a start. It means little in the scheme of things. But something for me to remember. Something for the blog. An achievement. A pat of the back. I am trying.

But I only did that walk one time. Maybe next week. The day after that I went to my wife's work and had a fantastic big panic attack. Was going to provide a photo but there was nothing to see. And that is the things. There are times I want to talk about stuff but can't provide a photo to go with it. No one to capture me running away. Nothing really to see as its all internal. I had walked the long way down to her work with the boy, sat in the car (had my own keys), waited, waited some more, tried calling her, no answer and that was enough to make me panic. I actually contemplated scaling a wall with the boy at one point as it was the shortest route from A to B. I was halfway across the car park when she appeared. Not stopping I sent the boy in her direction and fled home on foot like an idiot. She of course got home before me.

Above is me bringing up the rear. Halfway down that path is a crossroads which you may be able to see. That is halfway. That is far as I have got. Note the way my wife is walking. Its not because she is a loon but because she started off the year with discomfort in her knee, got an operation off an NHS surgeon with a rusty saw and now is in constant pain with a limp to match. Bloody great. And they will do nothing about it, say they can do nothing. They feed her painkillers but are now wanting to give her pain management as an alternative. Bastards! Really. That is not right. She should see a lawyer I think.


Its not just panic that have curbed my walks but the weather. Don't get me wrong I love walking in the rain. Don't mind the wind too much. But when its rain, wind and freezing its no fun. Not weather for getting the wee unwaterproof camera out. Lots of spoiled photos and not much to take anyway.

Exposure

There was a turn at the start of the week where the storm passed and left at least a day of sunny weather, a nice change. Forecasters predicted it was going to be a good week but it wasn't. But on the warmer day it meant more people out and about. I did a few walks. I wanted to see if I could repeat the walk I did the week before- halfway. As I said in my previous post at the moment I am back doing graduated exposure in a futile attempt to get the nursery. Its not actually to get to the destination. I don't see that happening so why beat myself up everything I fail to do it. If I did do it then great. But its more about getting me out and about.
I haven't managed to repeat it this week. I've broken the steps into 10. Halfway is obviously step 5. This is step 4 so close. Its a local monument. In all these years I still have not learned what it represents. Can't even think what. Anyone I ask doesn't know either. Its just there.

It is not very focused. Not sure why. Well I do. I try not to draw attention so around town I tend to take photos on the sly. They usually end up out of focus and rarely straight. It doesn't say much for composition either. Obviously the best shots were from behind it as I am shooting into the sun here. But that's OK. I like the sun on one side and its reflection hitting off a metal pole on the other side with the slightly silhouetted monument in between. Any thoughts of going to step 5 that day were crushed when I looked down to see the park was mobbed. Not for me. I trotted on back up the road.



Anxiety has been high this week. Maybe I am lucky to have had more occupation than usual. Just want to, in these periods, press the 'off' switch and get someone to turn it on when things have changed for the better. I can never find it though. I feel weighed down with it. Like swimming in tar. It a bugger for sure.

To distract myself, I suppose, I helped my wife rip apart the book case, get all the many books into bags and put them up the loft which killed a few hours. Not sure what we will do with the books. I have so many but I now also have a Kindle. Wish I could trade the paper for the digital. It means we have some space and the dinner table can come out from behind the sofa and as a result I don't need to move many things for dinner time. So the kids were happy getting to eat at the table which they will do from now on. Mostly we opt for the beanbag trays because its so much hassle to rearrange everything just to set a table. Now that is not a problem so that's a positive isn't it? And as it folds away it doesn't take up much room when it is not getting used.



This week I also had to take some photos of the roof so we could look at them later- front and back. The reason being is we have noticed a lot of moss on the roof that is not on the roof of others. There is also big patch in the guttering which we have noticed corresponds in location with the damp in the kids room so we'll have to get that cleared as it looks like the likely cause. The moss is evident. Probably worse than a looks. Don't have a ladder big enough to get up and not sure I want to if I'm honest. My dad has volunteered but its a bit unfair when he lives miles away and works usually 7 days a week. As it turns out this photo was better than anything else I had to offer this week even though that was not the purpose so here it is.