Suggestible

Setbacks come when you least expect them and sometimes you don't even see why- in fact mostly. I have not had a setback but can see how I could have had one. All told its been a good week. The walks continue and I have done a few new things. But then it can all fall apart very quickly. In my anxious state I am very suggestible- irrationally so. This can be the spark to set me back as I get anxious and the fear cycle is set in motion.

So far this week I went to the supermarket, into my wife's work and had a one hour phone call. All good for me. Last night I felt like a bit of chocolate- not literally. The kids had some chocolate buttons and I could not shift the notion. When I went for my walk later in the evening I passed the supermarket and decided to venture in again. Once more it was only to the kiosk at the front door but it is still something. There I bought 3 bars of chocolate. They are actually at this time still in the fridge.

It differs every time. Last night I actually touched normality at times but was continually brought back to my anxiety. As I entered the supermarket I consciously loosened myself and tried to keep telling myself all was OK. I tried to think positive thoughts but every time I drifted my thoughts quickly returned to my irregular breathing or that long walk home in the event of an attack. But on the whole a very comfortable walk in comparison to recent weeks. All good and I hope with time this can become more so if I can stick at it.

This I have been through many times before. Life appears vaguely on the horizon, the spirit lifts and the future looks better. Confidence slowly grows and you spend less time worrying about symptoms. Instead of fearing the next walk you look forward to it. It is the prime time for something to come out of the blue and whack you so hard that you are knocked off your feet for weeks after. We come to know it but can do nothing to stop it.

Today I was reading the paper and my attention was drawn to a story I have read many times with the same effect. A 22 year old nurse from Aberdeen had dropped dead- just like that. I felt the dread. Why can someone apparently healthy just drop down dead? What if I drop down dead? She had a blood clot in the heart and here am I a smoker who lacks physical exercise, a prime candidate. Worse than that what if my wife drops dead? I cannot cope with myself never mind with 3 children. All the scenarios played out in my head- all the dark ones.

To be honest they are still there. That story is still vividly there. It has only just replaced the countless other ones I have read. Not once have I said to myself convincingly that while this happens to people there are millions of others it does not happen to. That would be rational. And if it was to happen then what is the point of worrying about it now? But that is just the way I am.

I get very suggestive. I read ailments and feel ill. I remember the BBC website used to host a weekly journal by a fairly young journalist who had a brain tumour and I just had to quickly look away. The only time I lingered with morbid fascination was when I read about his death one day on the site and the young family he left behind. For weeks, maybe months, I could not get that out of my head. I just cannot seem to cope mentally with mortality without creating dreaded scenarios in my own life. Even my family going away I think of car crashes or plane crashes and the like.

This is something I need sorted out in my own head. Where life looks better again I quickly descend into darkness at the smallest thing. Even when I am thinking about how better things are I suddenly think about going to work again and think I cannot possibly do that then think about all the other things I cannot do. But I done them before so why not? My state over time dupes me into believing they are not possible but I know that if one day I am out working and going on holidays with my family these thoughts will no longer be present. Start looking at the good things in life, like chocolate.

Waiting game

I feel I am slowly getting back on track again with regards to the walking. After falling back it is going to take time to find my stride again but hopefully not as long as when I started from being . It could not be helped but if I can find it within me I will get back to where I was quickly. At the same time though I will be sensible and not go straight into trying 3 long walks per day.

Yesterday I managed two walks which I felt took alot out of me so today I will try one later. The second was a bit of a success. It was about equal in distance to the first but I was out longer. The longest walks I have done in the past 3 months have taken about 10 minutes a time. Sometimes the same walk is quicker because I have a tendency to walk to quickly so I consciously try to slow my pace to a more reasonable level. There was one time I was out for half an hour in a very long walk by my standards but that was only once and I suffered a long time after so never again.

On the second walk yesterday I went to meet my family coming back from the shops which I did. As we past the kebab shop though the smell gripped me and I said to my wife that I fancied one. I knew though it was too early to go in so I did not but she took the girls in while I waited outside with the baby boy. That was about a 10 minute wait and the panic surfaced a couple of times but I got through it. OK it would have been better if I had gone in, ordered the food (which was for all of us not just me), waited and paid. So it was tainted but I won't beat myself up too much about that. I still waited even if it was a few yards away from where I should have waited and is a step forward. All in all I was out about 20 minutes. This is something I need to do more often.

The time out is important. I spend so much of the day off my feet even if I am not walking it should help if I am on my feet more often. The waiting game could help. Even if I arrange to wait outside the shops for my wife it would help and then slowly maybe go in. I remember doing this previously and felt better for it.

As I've already said I have a problem with people coming to the house which came after a big panic attack but also after I was made redundant. Being around people is foreign to me- other than my family and this no doubt has an impact. So if I can get out more and be around people, even if not interacting with them, then surely it will help me too. I feel I am stuck in my own world whereas everyone else is in another. The only way I can see to bring the two worlds together is by being around people more.

It can be done. Back at the start of February having not been in the shop for over 2 years I found myself in a long queue inside a cramped shop body to body with people. It was hard but I waited and managed it. So it can be done. I remember at the time I could not believe it and when I got home could not tell my wife who was just out of hospital. That was a really good time for me and I hope to get back there. I know it is possible because I have done it before.

Aphobos

It has taken me a long time to understand but finally I think it is sinking in. This anxiety. This panic. This agoraphobia. God I hate all these different labels. Social Anxiety to an extent with a little touch of this and a bit of that- a phobic. What it does is make you feel that there is more wrong with you than there actually is. Every label is another hurdle as is every symptoms. Now I understand. Lets forget them all. It is one thing. It is the thing the Ancient Greeks called 'Phobos'. That is what all the symptoms are- one thing. That is what all the labels amount to- one thing.

Phobos is the Greek for fear and as old as the hills. It has always been there and the ancients knew it as we do now. That is why it is in us and our body is equipped to deal with it- fight or flight. Some say it is a fear of fear which may be more accurate but at its essence it is fear. Fear is the root, fear is the problem. So from now on I am going to remember that. I have a fear, nothing less. It is fear I must confront.

And by confront I do not mean battle. By confront I mean I must face unflinching without fleeing and without fighting. In its shadow I must stand. Phobos the moon I stand under in the dark hidden from the light. There I must stand alone and submit to its worst. It wont be nice but it is the only way.

Everything has its opposite and fear is no different. At the opposite end of the spectrum from Phobos is Aphobos. The literal meaning of this Greek word is fearlessness, or without fear. This is what we must strive for. In a state of Aphobos we cannot be touched by panic, anxiety or whatever else. Only in this state can we find the sanctuary of calm relaxation.

Always remember it is fear. This is the demon we must make vanish. Not by fighting or running but by standing tall in its face until it goes. Fear cannot harm us. We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear only exists in us not in what is out there. Fearlessness is in us too, in me. That is what I must find. A way to stop fearing everything, not a cure sore some made up illness with a label.