Christmas 2011

I think I went I bit over the top with this pic but no matter. Sometimes subtlety is the best option but that is something I have yet to master. It looks overdone unfortunately. A snap of the kids ready for school (and nursery) with their Santa hats on. Why they go to school this week is beyond me because all they are doing is watching DVDs and with conditions very bad today, ice, its silly to ask parents to take them and pick them up. Aside from the pic I have been mostly bothered by this bloody melancholy again. Its just adrenaline. Too much unspent adrenaline. Sure I can see that but its a constant battle to convince myself- often a losing one.

It was there last week of school which is good and bad. It means I don't have to get up so early. It means the kids are indoors all long day long bored and agitated. A long holiday period ahead.

It is Christmas Eve but taken technically on Christmas day- the clock is a give away. But it took that long to assemble everything and with the prospect of an early rise we really should be in bed early too but it was a late night. We will regreted it in the morning. They are very lucky kids. Very lucky that their mum spent so much time wrapping for a start. Lots of present and more to come from relatives. So much expense.

Nativity

This is a nativity scene arranged by my oldest daughter at the bottom of the Christmas tree. Its not represented well because of me being lazy. All those wires and even a Wii fit board in the background. Also should have used a larger depth of field (not even sure if that is right as I get mixed up with depth of field and aperture) to keep everything in focus but I was struggling for light and getting a fully focused image requires more light.

As soon as it turned December it seemed every third post on Facebook was of someone putting up their Christmas tree and decoration. Not here. My wife is ever the traditionalist so our tree went up 12 days before Christmas. Pic above. Much to the kids delight.

Feeling better but not over the lurgy yet. Walks have picked up but only short and sporadic at the moment. Blown about like a rag doll with gale force winds and soaked to the skin on most of them. Truly awful weather. Not just that but it was freezing. On one walk I noted I was the only one out there not in a vehicle. Proof I think that my lack of walks is not laziness.

There were much better days to venture out on. Its more to do with how I feel in myself. And in some ways I feel better but having real problems with my breathing again which has coincided with the return of the cough. Well, perceived breathing problems at least as every time I sit down and analyse my breathing I can't find fault except for the constant alarm going off in my head telling me otherwise. The mind is a strange thing.

Winter bugs

We have our the first snow. Should be magical, used to be magical, but when you feel shit in a freezing cold flat and the temperature plummets over night there is nothing magical about it. I'm going around in circles here. A little bird in the snow looking for food. Not sure what type of bird. Willie Wagtail? Don't know.


With my health declining my wife phoned the surgery and I awaited a call. I spoke to the doctor reluctantly. Very nice she was too. One minute and forty seven seconds later a diagnosis over the phone. Chest infection for sure with "I'll leave a little antibiotic for you to pick up at any time". My wife kindly picked it up for me and I have been taking the course this week. Its improved a little but still having these breathless coughing fits which are scary and no fun at all. A lot of breathing related problems. The worst of these is a sudden sharp involuntary intake of breath like the body has decided its not getting enough air or there is a blockage. That is something I don't like at all when it happens. Worries me. But hopefully I am on the path to recovery now and the symptoms will take care of themselves. As I expected the antibiotic is not fast working.


As a result of the illness I have been out even less than last week and the two times I did go out were very hard going indeed. Again frustration but this is going to be like starting over again when I can eventually get back out again. Not helped by the weather. The snow turned to ice making it very slippery underfoot which is not walking weather for me. The wind though was something else.

Scotland has been hit with 100mph winds this week, 165mph up the North, so that lead to the kids being at home one day with the schools shut and even my wife at home as her work closed early- that is her now finished for the year. My main concern with the wind was powercuts but thankfully that never happened. Its cold so no power means no heating which I think would be unbearable at night. And it would mean no hot food. No light. No TV or laptop- no distraction. Don't think I could have handled that.

Forty

This week I turned forty. Not memorable for so many reasons. Feeling really ill now and starting to get worried. Apart from fevers, cold shivers, burning up and all the rest I am very chesty. Its the lurgy. But I worry more that its moving into a chest infection. Horrendous coughing fits in which I am struggling to get a breath and therefore panicking. Really not good at all.

So the last thing I needed was visitors. It being a big birthday though how could I turn people away. But I really was not up to it. Feeling as shit as I have felt for a long time and lots of worry over that I was in no frame of mind for people with visitors. I think I would have crawled to bed and gone to sleep if I had known that seven hours of my fortieth birthday were to be filled with visitors.

A scene from the day. The day I was dreading. Not because I was saying goodbye to my thirties and a reluctant hello to my forties but because of visitors. The type deep down I want to visit but this bloody anxiety won't allow me to. My mum, my sister, her kids and my inlaws. Everyone who came, everyone who didn't and my own little family were all very generous: beers, sweets, a cover for my kindle, a hoody top and lots of money because I'd asked for that primarily in my bid to save for a new camera. A proper camera. One with changing lenses and lots of options. Still undecided. Obviously DSLR is the way to go for picture quality but I'd drawn to CSC for their size and the fact I would walk about with one without looking like a tourist.

Lots of anxiety. Plenty of the horrible derealisation where I felt I was watching everything from the sidelines, shudder. Got through it though. And it didn't help that I am so damned ill still. Just can't shake this thing. I think a call to the doctor is imminent because its getting worse.

Now I am in my forties. There I said it. Hope they are better than my thirties which is a conflicting thing to say because I worked for half of that decade of my life, got married, went on holidays, had friends, travelled and best of all my three kids were born. Just the anxiety clouding it all.


Drinking lots of black tea with honey and a slice of lemon. An attempt to get rid of this cough and ease the throat. Not sure it is doing much at all but I keep taking it. All delivered in a 'Mr Grumpy' cup which was my daughters' idea. With good reason of late too. Of all the Mr Men they decided that is who I was. Children say what they feel. It says a lot and I cannot disagree with them. Ive got a much shorter fuse nowadays.

The weather has been much the same. On a walk with the boy which turned out to be my last of the week- on Tuesday. There goes maintaining my walks. I was on schedule the first two days of the week covering two and a half miles. Ahead of schedule even but I then found I just couldn't go out feeling so ill. So I am frustrated. If it was just laziness I could pick them back up this week but I won't as this illness is not improving any.