One bridge left to cross

As good as things have been going I don't want to give the impression that I am anxiety free or even a short hop from recovery. I am greatly improved but still there is a lot of work to do. At some point I am going to have to get on a train again and that will be like starting over it has been so long. Last night we went to the Kelpies again and as we walked by the canal my wife was saying how she would love for us all to do the boat trip from there to the Falkirk wheel. My first emotion was excitement but it was quickly followed by dread. In my head I first saw the leisurely glide along the Union canal but that was quickly followed by thoughts of panic and not being able to get off the boat. Trapped. I still feel trapped. Its what is stopping me getting on a train and what would stop me doing that trip. Its something I am going to have to tackle because if I can overcome that I will be recovered I think. There have been a few incidents of late. My son had a soft play area to go to and so we took him there and I felt trapped to the point everything was spinning and I had to get out quickly. It was claustrophobic. It was a massive building and then you go into the soft play area which is secure so you have to wait for someone to open the gate and then they lock it behind you. Then you are in this area filled with people and full of noise. I could not handle it. I had to leave.

So this is the final part and its really tough to be honest because the only way to face it is to be in it and to be in it means I have to feel trapped in a situation I cannot escape. The internal drama queen imagines being buried alive. Its that kind of desperation to escape in plain sight so to speak. As much as I want to get better I am very reluctant to put myself into these situations. Its like all phobias in that anyone with them does not want to face them even though they know only by facing can they go through them.

Of late though with more drives and more roadworks I have found myself in these situations. The good thing is I have come through them but the bad thing is I have not come through them with anxiety dropped. The other week it was on the M8 just outside Glasgow when the we took a sliproad to the motorway to find lots of stationary cars and nowhwere to go but into it. The last time was on Friday when we were out for another drive towards Edinburgh and my wife decided it would be nice to drive over the Forth Road Bridge. Great idea but unfortunately not on a Friday when the traffic over the bridge is ridiculous given people are usually travelling home for the weekend or going somewhere for the weekend. And so we found ourselves in three lanes of parked cars with the bridge 3 miles away and barely visible. Again I got through it but in that moment I felt I could not breathe, was sweating, shaking and generally in panic. It was a great relief to get moving again.

That was the hardest part of an otherwise great night. We went over the Forth road bridge and saw the new bridge being built which is coming along nicely. My youngest daughter didn't like it though and we found out there that she has a real fear of bridges over water. And after that I asked my wife if she would mind driving into South Queensferry which is a beautiful old little place. Again I'd been there lots of times in the past but again when there it all felt a bit foreign. Thankfully it was not too busy so we were able to get parked and get out. Not as calming as the see but just a lovely view in a lovely little place. A great way to spend some time.

Then on Saturday the sea was calling again. Suited me fine. This time it was Troon so we passed the old golf course and entered the town and then went down to the beach. Once again in a very short space of time zero anxiety. We had a long walk alone the front. We got chips and then hot dogs. It was all unplanned. We were in no rush and even close to two hours I found myself alone walking next to the sea as the tide was coming in talking to my sister on the phone oblivious to how far I had walked. My wife had sent the girls to get me as she could not phone me but I finally noticed myself and turned back. Once more I was in no rush to leave. I could have stayed longer but it was getting late for the kids. That part of the country has a coastal path when I am sure we will be returning too. With Ayr and Troon ticked I know at the very least my wife want to go to Girvan but I am sure there will be more than that to come.

Almondell

My uncle Gerald never married but he did have a long term partner. I don't remember him socialising with any friends and their lives seemed to revolve around each other. I'm not sure he ever would have married as I don't think he needed it. Just like he refused to go abroad because he had more than enough here on this little island whether it was gong up north to the Highlands or down south to East Anglia it was enough. He loved nature. Most of the simple pictures he took were of wildlife and he had a large collection of books about wildlife. They also had a dog they would take with them wherever they went and when not on holiday one of the places they would take the dog was Almondell Country Park.

Its a lovely big park. Great for walks and nice scenery. I went there lots of times when I used to live in Livingston but had not thought about it for a very long time. It seems my wife had but quite why I don't know. It is where we ended up a couple of nights ago. My uncle died suddenly aged 40 and it was a shock to everyone given he'd gone before his 3 older brothers and mother. That was a very long time ago but I still remember it well. I am reminded on my son's birthday as its the same day my uncle died at the end of January. He died long before I met my wife and even though my gran still stayed in Livingston by the time I met my wife he had not gone through many times before my gran died. So my wife really has no attachment to the Livingston and certainly not to Almondell. Only once when we visited Livingston did we go there as she had her parents dog with her and we needed somewhere to walk it. But it must have left its mark.

We were out for a drive and heading out towards Livingston when my wife made the suggestion. It caught me out as its not somewhere I thought of going. It was resigned to the past and to be honest I had no desire or need to return. So I was not expecting it. My wife then asked how we get there. My mind was blank and remains blank. It unsettles me just how much I have forgotten in my bubble. I was in a place I grew up and my mind map was blank. I had no idea how to get to Almondell. I'd been there more times than I could remember but I could not remember how to get there. Although it unsettles me I should not be surprised really. Its been a very long time. I met my wife 18 years ago and by then I was already living elsewhere. Its explainable but no less unsettling.

We got there. So much expanse for the kids to run free and burn off all that energy. A lovely night weather-wise so my wife and I strolled at a slower pace. The walk was great and the scenery fantastic but not a lot that can translate into words. Like everything else it was though unfamiliar. I tried hard to remember any part of it from my past and I could not. None of it rang a bell. It was again an unsettling feeling. What has happened to my memory? Then my wife said: I don't recognise any of this at all. Phew. She mentioned a bridge her parents dog would not cross and I remembered that but we never saw that bridge there. There was a green suspension bridge and a big stone bridge but no little metal bridge that we both remembered. Things change over time I suppose.

Things change and memories resurface. Nothing was familiar but as I walked by the River Almond and looked at the trees a memory resurfaced I could not believe had taken so long to occur to me. When I uncle died his partner took his ashes and buried them at Almondell. She buried them in a very precise location. My uncle had at some point, probably early in their relationship, carved a love heart with their initials into a tree. Every visit after we would look out for it. As good as it would be to finish by saying I found the tree again I did not. The park is vast and paths lead in many directions. I would not even know where to start looking. I'm not even  sure the tree will still be there. As much as I wanted to find the tree it was a fruitless task and at the time I wanted to return but now I don't. Its the past. Time to move on. With 3 young children getting older its time to make our own memories after over a decade of being absent.

Communion celebration

Its 48 hours later and still I feel terrible. All my own doing. My body is not used to alcohol and fresh air but I still didn't think it would be a problem. Every second Friday my wife and I go to a pub and have one drink. Its our time. Time we missed out on in the last decade. Nothing much but just a little something. And very occasionally I have been somewhere else in the past couple of years where I have had a beer or two. The Gala day last year for example and sometimes when out we drop off at a pub restaurant which is lovely, relax and child friendly. Never more than a pint. On Sunday I  had six and I can safely say never again. I got in about 19:00 and slept until midnight. I was then up for about an hour, slept until morning, took the kids to school and when I came home went back to bed again and slept into the afternoon. That is something I never do. I will say up to that point I had not been getting a lot of sleep so that was a factor but only a small factor.

The reason for all this was a communion party we were all invited to. My wife and family went to church but for the first time ever as a family we attended the part after together. Not without a great deal of anxiety I might add because it was not local and in a place I had never been before. I had in my mind visions of a small room and people squashed into seats and lots of loud noise and too much anxiety to handle. Thankfully that was not the case but until I knew that it was the factor driving my anxiety through the roof.

Then came a realisation. What to where? I owned no shoes and nor did I have suitable trousers- just denims and an old pair of trousers my wife keeps trying to bin and I keep rescuing. So we had to go to the supermarket first and get said items. You would think that would be simple. We came back, the trousers were too short, we returned with a long pair and it turned out they were too short too as they had been put on the wrong hanger and I forgot to check. So my wife went back for a third time. Strange the things you never think of. It was over a decade since I had last worn a pair of shoes and I had never since bought any as there was no need. Now I am sorted.

No matter what lay ahead I  knew I was in for a hard time and that was just going to be the way of it. I knew I would panic. It was going to happen. There was no avoiding it. Doing something for the first time in a very long time means apprehension and adrenaline and so panic. Two things were important. If it was too much then my wife had agreed to drive me home knowing the kids would be fine where they were until she returned. That was the last resort. The most important thing was to accept the fact I would panic, allow the adrenaline to do its thing and lastly wait it out for 20-30 minutes. So that is what I did but it really was more of a struggle than I can put into words.

We drew up to the pub and it looked rough judging my the characters outside.  Thankfully though the party was in the function suite. We went in and that was when the alarm bells started ringing and kept ringing. The bar was right in front of us. Lines of tables. Thankfully not too busy. Immediately I told my wife I needed to sit near the door to begin with. It was needed. ideally I'd have gone and sat as far away from the exit as possible but I really think it would have tipped me over the edge so I tried to be wise. I sat there with a beer but not drinking much of it. Adrenaline was making me shake and sweat too much. I took small sips. Mostly I was clawing at my myself and at other times wringing my hands which I tend to do when in panic. These, my wife says, are the only visible signs she sees. I stayed at it. I would like to say it then hit zero and I was fine but it didn't. Unlike at the beach it stayed at a fairly high level for half an hour then got better but never ever went. So I slowly drank my beer and then had another and then I was moving about freely taking photos from the far side of the room- that is also where the toilets were too. In time I was fine but alcohol will do that.

I do feel though that I had calmed enough not to consider the alcohol a crutch in that situation. And in actual fact when we went to leave I'd had three pints and felt fine. But then another couple arrived and more drinks were bought and although I still felt fine that is the point where I would pay later.  In fact I am still paying now. Everything has a purpose and this hangover will remind me not to do that again in a hurry. Still though it was an achievement and another first to add to the list. 

East Coast

Travels continue. Its got me thinking about my driving. I need to start driving again. I have been putting it off for a couple of reasons but its not fair for my wife to be doing all the driving- though unlike me she actually likes driving. There is a good chance I need another eye test first. My last one was over a decade ago and I have glasses for driving but my eyes have deteriorated since then. The last time I drove I found in the dark especially I was struggling to see properly. The other thing is my license. I have a pink paper one registered at my gran's address and she is long gone. I need to get that updated. For now though as I said my wife is more than happy to drive.

In search of coastline it has made sense to head west as that is the closest coast but its not all about coasts as there is more to the country than the coast. So my wife has been heading East for a change. She didn't tell me that. We first neared Shotts where my parents stay and passed it. Then Livingston where I grew up and where my brother still stays but passed that too. And really after that there are only three options. One is to head left over the Forth Bridge and head north. Another is to go right and head down towards the borders. But it was the third option I started to suspect and was right to as we went straight on and in to the capital.

Edinburgh was once like a second home to me. When I left school I joined a course to be an accountant and although initial training was in Glasgow the day college per week was in Edinburgh and when I was placed with an Accountant it was with PKF in the Haymarket area. I later went for a short spell to Napier University in Edinburgh and for a long period as an IT contractor worked in Edinburgh. Besides all that I used to go out in Edinburgh at the weekend with friends to pubs in the Grassmarket or during the day just to shop or browse. Its all changed now. We passed a hotel where I had once been an usher at a friend's wedding. We passed the zoo. We stopped off at Murrayfield, pictured above, but to be honest there were not a long of photographic opportunities to be had mainly because there is nowhere to stop in a car. The trams now led me to uncertainty. Could we even go into the centre of town? We left it. It was good enough to do what we had done and on another day we may get a tram into town. Who knows. First step done.

That was Saturday night. Another reason we did not push on is we knew we had a bigger journey ahead the following day. We had decided to go up to my wife's family again in Perth as we had done nearly a year ago. That time it was a flying visit and another flying visit shortly after. This time was phase 2. Firstly it was to stay longer and secondly it was to come back a more scenic route. In total it was 150 miles or thereabouts.

The journey to is always longer than the journey from. Quite why I don't know but it is. The 60 mile journey to Perth is not tedious but not as nice as that journey to Largs and only slightly less boring than the journey from the central belt to the borders. The highlight is halfway seeing the Wallace Monument and Stirling Castle but not a lot besides. What I have noticed from all this time on the road is the landscape is changing drastically. A small fortune must be invested it tearing up every road and rebuilding it. So much of the land has been flattened and so much of the traffic has been slowed. What I hate to see though is the felled trees. So many clearances. Some scenes look like a nuclear fallout.

After what seemed like an eternity we got to Perth. I didn't expect any panic because I had done it twice and not much but it was high for some reason. So high I could not sit down. I needed to get out. I needed to go for a walk. Everyone was going for a walk. Except the kids. They didn't want to walk. So my wife and I and her parents went for a walk around he North Inch. To begin with it was hard. There was no way I was going all he way around the park. In fact as soon as we got down I wanted to get away but I stayed with it. Eventually it calmed. And it calmed to the point where I could start to relax and enjoy the walk. But I have to also say it never ever calmed to anywhere near the zero anxiety I experienced by the sea.

Its tradition to buy my father-in-law a malt on his birthday and that is what we did this year some months ago. And it had remained unopened until my arrival which prompted an opening and a few drams. It was nice and relaxing. Just a couple. In all we were there a few hours and again its a stepping stone to staying longer next time and eventually staying overnight. Its a beautiful place. Before the kids came along and while I was still working we had plans so move there as my wife is from there and I had stayed there for a number of years. It never happened of course and now its foreign to me.

Finally we left and took a scenic route home which meant heading for Callander. First off though my wife took me to her friend's home and then to where her friend used to live. Did you see the figure in the water? That is what my wife asked. I hadn't. There was Loch Earn to the left and the weather had turned so that it was starting to look moody and stormy. My wife stopped the car and I go out. Everyone else stayed in the car and two ducks came waddling over looking to hitch a ride too which entertained the kids. Below is the figure I walked down to. Eerie. Apparently the artwork is named "Still" but locally he is known as the mirror man. The drive home was beautiful. We saw many places we'd like to return to. Its just a pity that the moody weather soon turned stormy and before long rain battering off the window was all we could see.