Holding on

I'm back doing my CBT after countless interuptions in the hope of recovering from panic disorder with agoraphobia. God that felt like the opening line at a meeting for adrenaline addiction. I hate labels. I am who I am- a bit broken and a whole lot wonky. With my text book screwdrivers I am taking my brain apart and trying to put everything back the right way to be "normal"- like you. This once again is the start of the process.

The good thing about this particular CBT course is that it always gives food for thought. It seems to always spark off little process in my mind. Socratic questions so to speak. The 24 hour detective in my head takes great delight in taking the theory and trying to match it up with my experiences over recent years and work towards some sort of verdict. Or is it the problem solver looking for a solution? Probably the latter actually. Whoever it is seems to keep poking me with new ideas anyway every time I do the CBT. This week I am back at the start learning all about panic and how it works. Shall I bore you with that? No, I think that would be cruel.

A poke on the cheek watching videos on the process of the fight or flight response. Or should I say fight, flight or freeze response. This variation is particularly enlightening in my case. I will get to that. A particular question has stuck with me way back to the lead up to my first full blown panic attack which left me agoraphobic from that point on: why when I feel like I am not getting enough air do I feel an involuntary response which is holding my breath and I cannot seem to break it? This goes back nearly a decade.

I remember sitting in the small room with the female GP and asking that very question. I remember asking the same question to at least two other GPs. Two situations stuck in my mind and prompted me to ask this. Whenever I did the shopping I would find myself getting out of breath on the walk there and by the time I got into the queue I felt I was not only getting no air but was actually holding my breath. The other situation was just coming in the front door and up the stairs. Most people who do come into the living room panting. That is how I felt I should be responding but again I seemed to be holding my breath. Stifling my breathing. Doctor: why do I stifle my breath when I should be panting for air? One look was mocking and the other two were dismissive. It was one of many times I asked questions to someone connected with the medical profession or mental health and got no response.

Sitting watching the videos the answer came. Fight, flight or FREEZE. Imagine there was a poisonous snake in front of you. You are not going to fight it and you are not going to run away. You are going to stand perfectly still. You will tense up rigidly in the hope of not moving. This all happens. And what else do you do? You hold your breath. This is what is happening. Its a fear response, not an abnormality.

In fact I should have noted it before. Involuntary holding of breath is actully nothing new. I have seen it in action here at home first hand. Whenever my wife watches anything like someone drowning or even a fish out of water she experiences the same thing. The only difference is it ends when the clip ends or she turns it over. I cannot turn it over. Is it dangerous? No. But it is scary which I experinence regularly first hand. The truth is out bodies are designed to protect us. When it comes to breathing it will allow us voluntary control to a point as long as we don't put ourselves in danger. Its quite brilliant. If for example we try to hold our breath too long it will force us to breath. If we are getting in the way of preventing normal breathing it can even make us pass out so it can regulate the breath undisturbed. When we sleep it keeps it going for us.

No danger at all, just scary. It is this difference that I am working to correct in my head at the moment. Easy to theorise about here with no problems. Not so much in the moment of panic.

Sitting at the road side

Sitting at the road side. A dual carriageway. Half a mile from home. Just sitting there. Despite cars going 60 mph upwards in both directions it was strangely peaceful. I felt I could sit there forever. Maybe it was because there was actually nobody there other than those passing in seconds in cars. Whatever the reason I just sat there at peace feeling good and may have stayed a lot longer than 10 minutes had it not been for the biting cold.

Not much but in my world it is. The ability to sit and wait and feel at peace for any length of time is a big thing for me. It felt good.

Halloween

As part of the Halloween festivities I was to be judge of the best pumpkin melon (Stuff tradition- pumpkins are a waste and melon is a treat for the kids as they hollow theirs out) competition among the kids. Given that I did not want to disappoint any of them I decided rather than best I would judge on best in category of which there were three I decided- scariest, best and most Halloweeny (Yes I know but as parents one perk is the allowance to make up your own words). I was also supposed to guess who made which melon face but despite the fact it was not hard to tell between the work of a 5, 8 and 10 year old the cheers on announcing each winner sort of gave it away. They all went away content though and full of melon.

The boy's one had rather clustered features a bit like his writing which is crammed into the smallest of areas. The bestly made (I can't help myself) was the oldest girl's of course so the youngest girl's fell somewhere in the middle. They later went on to the usual dooking for apples, blind man's buff and a rather unusual game my wife thought up of wrap the mummy which entailed a speed round of wrapping her head up in a large bandage. Not the best idea for someone who experiences claustrophobia- which she did with a head completely bandaged up. The kids enjoyed it though.

It did feel more like Halloween this year. We even had our first ever knock at the door. In true Halloween spirit we ignored it- bah, humbug! I have been going for my last walk of the day around six or seven at night but went earlier so as not to get accosted or look too out of place among the later guisers. It was strange. The only taste I get each year of Halloween, apart from indoors, is at the local supermarket bedecked in all its Halloween wares but walking around this year there were lots of decorations in windows of homes and doors and pumpkins in gardens. There were even guisers out with a parent at team time as I walked through the estates.

A shame the kids cannot go out though on such a night but later it mattered little as they were warm outside while it blew a gale of wind and rain outside. I think back to chapping doors when I was younger. Something they have never experienced. Maybe some day if all goes well and we find ourselves somewhere else they will experience it for themselves.