Basking Shark

Out and about we find anxiety as agoraphobics. When panic comes we crumble inside and paranoia kicks in because we think all eyes are on us. In fact nobody looks. In our head we are a quivering wreck but outside of the mind we look normal to all else. This is why where possible it is good to look in a mirror and you will see the inner turmoil is not visible. For me it has a very calming effect.

The same cannot be said though of some other symptoms. Of late I have been really struggling with shallow breath so when I have been walking it invariably leads to hyperventalating. Still this is not visible to the outside word. A knock on effect though is. Without willing it my mouth opens agape in a yawn and can stay like that for long periods. It is like my subconcious is searching for air but all I catch are flies.

There I walk among the many like a basking shark and now I see the eyes have reason to find, heads have reason to turn. I cannot help it- in fact I am doing it now. The next time you see a basking shark while you are out and about please spare a thought.

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The Clock

I've come to learn one way of telling whether I am having a good day or not. Time is the measure. Or more precisely my awareness of its passing. Today was a good day despite a really dark start. Today I looked at the clock and it was the back of seven.. I didn't rise till noon but that time had flown in between- a good sign. Yesterday, a very bad day, dragged. Every time I looked there were hours upon hours left of the day until bed time.

It was my turn for a lie in today which is why I rose at noon. I can't say I feel any benefit but I don't feel as tired as I did yesterday. This will be offset tomorrow when my wife has her turn and I will no doubt be woken at the crack of dawn by the kids. Its not just a case of getting up with them and getting them breakfast but the baby needs breakfast too now. He is on solids and my wife isn't buying jars- preferring instead to make her own meals. Well that means me too so for the first time I'm going to have to make a meal to feed him with. That will at least hopefully keep me occupied.

Yesterday I had such a bad day that I was shattered by late evening. I had a fear that the growing symptoms were a sinister something working on me and not ever going to get any better. But halfway through a glass of wine I realised all the symptoms were gone. I actually felt as fine as I can do. So then I knew all this is in my head.

Today I've had the usual onslaught of symptoms. My face is tight and tired, the throat is tight and lumpy, I've developed a twitch on my lip and I feel very shitty but I have managed to accept alot because of that bottle of wine. I can see that its all in my head- mostly. Its not easy but I think I'm coping better today than I was yesterday and time is going by quicker so that must be the case.

But anyway, the point of this post is that how I am doing is indicated by how much I clock watch. If I am not looking at the time I am having a good day.

What if?

Breathing problems today and for the past few days. When I got up this morning I noticed it straight away and that set the tone for what has been one long day. Again I will say its not hyperventilating or labouring or wheezing. It's like a dry intake of breath into a shrunken lung. That is the best way I can describe it. A restriction of some sort. But then for all I know in this anxious mind it may be more of a perception rather than an actual problem.

About 2 hours before my parents were due to arrive I had a panic attack- the mildest I've had. It was so mild I was able to tell my wife about it during the attack and after half an hour although very tired the attack had gone. It started with trembling and progressed from there. It was started without a doubt by my mind shouting all morning that I cannot breathe properly. This was exhausting, worrying and agitating me. Then I was getting a draught from the window which I think started the panic.

I got through it though better than usual. Then I started to feel ill. Ill like I have a virus. My stomach feels like the cause, I'm bunged up and just generally feeling ill. The kids have been a bit iffy lately with coughs and high temperatures so its not unusual that I with my low immune tolerance could pick something up. Then last night and today my wife complained of a sore throat. My throat doesn't feel so good either which could be a reason why the breathing feels unnatural.

So I think I have a virus and hopefully that is what it is. My one worry there would be a chest infection as I cannot go to the doctors. It has though made me think which is hard. This is all confusing. Diagnosing with anxiety in the mix is difficult. I thought "What if ?".

I've been reading about acceptance as the means to overcome anxiety. That is to say basically look at your symptoms, accept them as symptoms of anxiety and over time they will go. What if though its not anxiety? What if I am lying to myself? What if I have a chest infection which is getting worse and I'm trying to fool myself all the while that its just anxiety? What if I am suffering for no reason when a dose of anti-biotic would sort me out? This is the confusion and this is why ultimately it is so hard to accept.