Kerrera

Many moons ago my wife, then fiance, and I found ourselves on an island. Not washed up there following a shipwreck during a storm on the high seas but intentionally found ourselves there. Well both our intentions but not long after we were on it my wife was soon wanting off, changed days indeed. This was no island paradise under the clear blue sky with lapping crystal waves soothing the course sand beneath the feet but a barren ruddy excuse of a place more like a big mossy rock set among the bleak grey of a Scottish cold windy Autumn. Its name was, and still is, Kerrera situated a little distance off Oban in the North West of Scotland. How we came to be in Oban is another story for another day but suffice it to say we found ourselves stuck there for 4 days and had to make our own entertainment. Such entertainment we were promised was to be found on this isle of Kerrera. We had not expected to be stranded there and as such were not prepared for the ill weather and lack of a escape plan. My wife wrapped up as best as she could while I had no hat, scarf or any relevant clothing. Instead with trainers and a light jacket I shivered away like the stupid accidental tourist I was forced to play.

We'd stood for over an hour by the water waiting for the ferry which turned out to be an aquatic cattle truck completely exposed to the windy and rainy elements of the dark morning. Once plopped on the island we were then left to our own devices. Incidentally to get back there was a public phone we had to use to call the ferry once more. In all we spent two hours walking around the island looking at nothing as that was all there was. Cold and tired the only thing which kept us going was the promise of a castle much lauded by the Tourist Information folks- in fact the only reason for going.

I found it all rather creepy. Largely it was uninhabited. We were told there were people living on it and did see some abodes but never so a single person. What we did see though when we turned a corner were the hundred beady eyes of sheep. They all just stopped and looked. Whenever I've seen sheep in the past they have been behind a fence so I haven't given them a second thought. These though were wild, en masse and looked a bit sinister. We walked slowly among them waiting for the for the charge that never came. We were on an small island so I couldn't help think if they charged we'd be running around it all day.

Our ultimate destination we finally reached- the castle. We'd built a picture of a lovely big stone palace with modern heating and displays to look through in the warmth. Then we'd sit down in a tea room for something to eat and a hot drink. What we found instead was a ruin peaking out from behind a mass of scaffolding and tarpaulin flapping wildly in the breeze. Still through the disappointment I had to investigate to find there was no one home and no way in. No wonder only we had been stupid enough to come. A monumental building site not even open to the public on this forsaken island was the prize for our troubles.

I remember thinking how I just wanted to get off this damned island. My wife was cold, miserable and in pain from walking. We just wanted to go home but there we were stuck in the cold and exposed to the elements with a trek to get back and then another long wait to get picked back up. Just a horrible experience. When we did eventually get back to to phone box we were soaked and exhausted while still being beaten by a strong unrelenting wind. It took 30 minutes of huddling in that red box before the ferryman came. We were so happy to see him come- for one we didn't think Charon did return journeys.

I read once that people who have an anxiety problem find that when they overcome them they are stronger for it. The experience of being without and everything you desire being just out of reach makes you appreciate it all the more when you finally touch it. I can relate to that. When we sat in the warmth of a cafe supping on hot carrot and coriander soup while soaking our thickly buttered crusty load it was bliss. Normally it would have been nothing to write home about but after our experience that day it was divine. It could not have tasted better and we savoured every moment.

The bad times certainly make the good times all the better and only by going through the trials can we truly appreciate life.

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Artificial life

Sitting typing away at the keyboard like I do for most of the day every day when a thought came to me. What would I be like if I lived 100 years ago?

As I am now I would be very alone. I may have some books for distraction if I was lucky. There would be more interaction because no doubt I'd have more family and friends close at hand. Faster travel has made the world a smaller place. But also wider, families live generally further apart. In fact I would probably not be able to pass a day without seeing at least one person who did not live under the same roof. In all likelihood I would not have a panic problem with people as a result.

If the electricity was turned off tomorrow I'd be lost. My world is not a real one anymore. All the people I converse with most and the places I go are all electronic. Most of my day is spent in this artificial life and maybe that is why my body is giving up so much. No need for a body, just living in the mind alone. Humans evolve so maybe my body is thinking I don't need it anymore because I no longer reside in the reality where it is needed. Instead my mind is plugged into the electronic living beast we call the web in places like Blogger, Twitter, Facebook, Bebo, Windows Mail and various forums. And in those places my identity is not my own so I come to think now: what has happened to the old me?

Basking Shark

Out and about we find anxiety as agoraphobics. When panic comes we crumble inside and paranoia kicks in because we think all eyes are on us. In fact nobody looks. In our head we are a quivering wreck but outside of the mind we look normal to all else. This is why where possible it is good to look in a mirror and you will see the inner turmoil is not visible. For me it has a very calming effect.

The same cannot be said though of some other symptoms. Of late I have been really struggling with shallow breath so when I have been walking it invariably leads to hyperventalating. Still this is not visible to the outside word. A knock on effect though is. Without willing it my mouth opens agape in a yawn and can stay like that for long periods. It is like my subconcious is searching for air but all I catch are flies.

There I walk among the many like a basking shark and now I see the eyes have reason to find, heads have reason to turn. I cannot help it- in fact I am doing it now. The next time you see a basking shark while you are out and about please spare a thought.

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The Clock

I've come to learn one way of telling whether I am having a good day or not. Time is the measure. Or more precisely my awareness of its passing. Today was a good day despite a really dark start. Today I looked at the clock and it was the back of seven.. I didn't rise till noon but that time had flown in between- a good sign. Yesterday, a very bad day, dragged. Every time I looked there were hours upon hours left of the day until bed time.

It was my turn for a lie in today which is why I rose at noon. I can't say I feel any benefit but I don't feel as tired as I did yesterday. This will be offset tomorrow when my wife has her turn and I will no doubt be woken at the crack of dawn by the kids. Its not just a case of getting up with them and getting them breakfast but the baby needs breakfast too now. He is on solids and my wife isn't buying jars- preferring instead to make her own meals. Well that means me too so for the first time I'm going to have to make a meal to feed him with. That will at least hopefully keep me occupied.

Yesterday I had such a bad day that I was shattered by late evening. I had a fear that the growing symptoms were a sinister something working on me and not ever going to get any better. But halfway through a glass of wine I realised all the symptoms were gone. I actually felt as fine as I can do. So then I knew all this is in my head.

Today I've had the usual onslaught of symptoms. My face is tight and tired, the throat is tight and lumpy, I've developed a twitch on my lip and I feel very shitty but I have managed to accept alot because of that bottle of wine. I can see that its all in my head- mostly. Its not easy but I think I'm coping better today than I was yesterday and time is going by quicker so that must be the case.

But anyway, the point of this post is that how I am doing is indicated by how much I clock watch. If I am not looking at the time I am having a good day.

What if?

Breathing problems today and for the past few days. When I got up this morning I noticed it straight away and that set the tone for what has been one long day. Again I will say its not hyperventilating or labouring or wheezing. It's like a dry intake of breath into a shrunken lung. That is the best way I can describe it. A restriction of some sort. But then for all I know in this anxious mind it may be more of a perception rather than an actual problem.

About 2 hours before my parents were due to arrive I had a panic attack- the mildest I've had. It was so mild I was able to tell my wife about it during the attack and after half an hour although very tired the attack had gone. It started with trembling and progressed from there. It was started without a doubt by my mind shouting all morning that I cannot breathe properly. This was exhausting, worrying and agitating me. Then I was getting a draught from the window which I think started the panic.

I got through it though better than usual. Then I started to feel ill. Ill like I have a virus. My stomach feels like the cause, I'm bunged up and just generally feeling ill. The kids have been a bit iffy lately with coughs and high temperatures so its not unusual that I with my low immune tolerance could pick something up. Then last night and today my wife complained of a sore throat. My throat doesn't feel so good either which could be a reason why the breathing feels unnatural.

So I think I have a virus and hopefully that is what it is. My one worry there would be a chest infection as I cannot go to the doctors. It has though made me think which is hard. This is all confusing. Diagnosing with anxiety in the mix is difficult. I thought "What if ?".

I've been reading about acceptance as the means to overcome anxiety. That is to say basically look at your symptoms, accept them as symptoms of anxiety and over time they will go. What if though its not anxiety? What if I am lying to myself? What if I have a chest infection which is getting worse and I'm trying to fool myself all the while that its just anxiety? What if I am suffering for no reason when a dose of anti-biotic would sort me out? This is the confusion and this is why ultimately it is so hard to accept.