Loch Walk

Third time lucky so don't worry I will not be boring any readers with any further posts from the heritage park. At the end of January I posted about how we went to the Heritage park where there is a little loch. After getting out the car I could not get very far before I had to turn back. Then on Tuesday I returned there hoping to walk around the loch at the second attempt but could only make it halfway before having to turn back again. As you may have guessed I returned back there yesterday. This time I was determined to make it around the loch.

In many respects it was more difficult as I arrived with a high level of anxiety- more than I'd had on both previous visits which made me almost certain I could not do it. Firstly we had gone to a retail park nearby to get my new camera. My wife does not have anxiety to contend with and also unlike me is very sociable so what should have taken 2 minutes to do took longer than I liked. I had the camera in mind and so it was just a case of locating it and buying it in my view- Fujifilm XF1 which is a third of the price it was when released and was in my price range (though too expensive in my wife's view). At this retail park there is a PC World and a Currys which are both effectively one in the same and part I think of the Dixons group. I knew they had it but there were two shops there- one of each- both at opposite ends from each other. PC world first and after looking at all the cameras I could not find the one I was after. My wife meanwhile was trying to tempt me with cheaper models which I parried away. Then to Currys where after a search I found the one I was after. The model on display was red and to be honest I didn't care. Stupidly though I said to my wife it also comes in black and also brown and I thought the brown looked better. Determined not to let me walk away with the one I had not come for while I stood with rising panic she went off to find an assistant to hunt down a brown one. Even though I said I was taking the red regardless she insisted we would not leave until she had seen the brown. Funny on reflection and lets face it she had the car keys. So the assistant rooted out a brown boxed one and unboxed it for my wife to hum and haw over and finally for a quick escape I told him I would take the brown. I left happy but in all honesty bordering on panic and just wanting to go home.

In a heightened state of anxiety my levels were not lowered when the road to the heritage park, still some miles off, was at a stand still with a queue of stationary traffic. That was it: no chance. But in my panic I forgot earlier my wife had asked me to look at the map for a small car park we had seen which seemed to be accessed from a different road. I did and I showed her and this saved the day because we were able to bypass the traffic jam as a result. Good on her. She is very good that way whereas I have no road sense at all. By that route we made it.

Despite the ebbing and flowing of panic I did make it around the loch this time which is an achievement. It was hard going and would have been even without the problems before had but I was glad to finally do it. Not content to stop there my wife suggested we go up the cafe and have a cuppa up there. Just what I fancy, I thought, a little room crammed with people far from home. But I did it. It took a while to calm. The pot of tea had enough for two cups which I didn't think I would use but did in the end. The great view was behind me because the reflection on the water was playing with my eyes which is all down to the anxiety so I thought it would be better not to face it. When the panic subsided it was actually a nice little environment. There were more bodies than space but it was not as bad as I anticipated. Something else to tick off the list.

Reaching out

Above is a roadside sculpture. I passed it today.  No idea how long its been there as I have not been on that road for a very long time, 2006 to be precise. Yet I used to drive that road twice a day to and from work and hated it. In the scheme of things its not a long time that has passed but enough for the road to change completely. Unrecognisable in fact. At first I thought its just that it has been so long I had forgotten what the road was like and there is a part of that. We have gone lots of places recently and some I have been to frequently in the past but are now only vaguely familiar. That in itself is scary. Really scary. I imagine its what someone feels who has been locked away for a stretch or maybe out of the country for a long time. There is something unsettling about about it. It is to be expected though. There are other places which also felt the same not so long ago and now I don't give much of  thought to. Its all part of getting back out there. On this ocassion I went half the journey up North and back. 60 miles round trip is what we did. For me that is a mini milestone. Not comfortable in the least but a step in the right direction.

Anxiety in the car is always one that has always baffled me. In its simplest terms its the same as having a panic attack outside- followed by the need to get home- but its also very different. The difference is what makes it even more illogical than panic on foot. If I walk somewhere the further I go the more my thoughts turn to making it back home and in that respect there is no difference. But to get home is different. On foot my biggest worry is that I physically cannot make. I will be too out of breath and/or weak to make it home. I will also be humiliated if I collapse in an exhausted heap on the floor to be seen by anyone passing. And from all this my biggest fear is the distant sound of sirens and the arrival of blue lights to take me somewhere I do not want to go- which is anywhere which is not home. These things are not a factor in a car.

In a car there is no need to worry about getting home. My wife drives. So not only do I not have the worry of whether my legs will carry me but I don't have others looking at me to worry about. As someone pointed out to me in the past though: why should that worry me? Anyway, I don't have those worries so I struggle with why I panic in a car. I am not going anywhere, the car is. So it makes no sense. And yet the further we went the more my mind filled with images of getting home. Maps and distances. What started as a slow dripping of fear was soon a flood of them and a constant fight with the urge to flee home.

It is though memory I am dealing with. A bad memory. The big panic that turned me agoraphobic was in a car and so being in the car my mind drags that memory back every time. I relive the experience and the further I go the more intense it becomes until I can take no more. Its a habit. A habit I am trying to break. I am not sure though how I am fairing on that front. For all I am getting further afield the actual problem is still there and if anything maybe have have just built up more endurance against it but that is not going to break the habit in the long term. I really need to sort out this in my head and tackle it. As good as it is to get this far from home, 30 miles, I feel the real work in challenging this fear can just as easily be done closer to home once I can find a way to face it properly. Still that is for another day. As I said its just good to get our far from home for now.

Back to the loch

Yesterday with the kids at school we decided to go back to the loch. To be more precise "John Hamilton Heritage Park" in East Kibride which is dominated by a small loch and even has a castle nearby. Mains castle though is privately owned and lived in so not open to the public. I've only been there once before and that was just 2 months ago when I had real trouble with panic there and could not go far. That was the reason for the return there but that was enough to bring enough anticipatory anxiety to make just getting there difficult. Not helped it has to be said by the fact we have not been out in the car that often in the past month of so. Just on Friday I drove for the first time in a long time and although a walkable distance I really struggled with panic the whole time until I was out. I don't feel very confident behind the wheel any more and less so when the first time is in the dark and rain and struggling to see. If I am to get back driving that is something else which will have to be gradual and in daylight but to be honest it can wait.

The last time I was here I had my little pocket camera I got with money given to me at Christmas. 2 months is all I had it. I got it because I like to take something on the move that doesn't get in the way and it was fairly cheap in comparison to some of the high end compacts nowadays. I do have a more expensive camera but I dare not take it out in this weather and as small as it is in comparison to a DSLR its not pocketable. Anyway I had to take the bigger camera because on Friday my wife was at a nightout, came home and lost her bag containing her purse, phone and my little camera. I will though get another soon as it helps me when I am internalising in panic too much. Thankfully this time, unlike last, the weather was decent. It was dry at least.

We got there but already the anxiety levels were so high that I was warning my wife I may not get far and with every small tentative step the air in my lungs seemed to vanish. I found it really difficult. I was taking photos of the wildlife and the surrounds and trying to meet it halfway with allowing it to be without being totally immersed in it and all the time waiting for it to drop but it would not. We walked some more but every step away from the car brought images of larger distances to escape and then a busy road home all in panic. I reckon we walked for 10 to 15 minutes which was a massive improvement on last time. All the while my wife was speaking and I was hearing without listening as I tried to fend off the urge to flee.

We got just over halfway around and to an area where you could not see the car park or much else for that matter as it was all hidden behind bushes and trees. This is the point it all spilled over. I could handle no more. I told my wife I had to go back. I did not feel guilt or disappointment. All I felt was the need to get the hell out of there and back to the car as quick as possible then home. My wife tried to reason. She is good at that- trying to get me not to leave without pushing too hard and sometimes that works. Its a balancing act and she is good at it but this time nothing would keep me there. Sheer blind panic- almost. It was like being on the edge of it. She told me we were more than halfway round and at the very least it was just as quick to keep going as it was to turn back. In a flash I saw this. It made sense but still I turned back. Better to take a longer route the way I had came than into the unknown. A strange logic. I think a lot had to do with the route being on the other side of the loch from which we were parked even though that is where we were at this point. So we headed back and that should have been the end of another failed period. It wasn't though and this is why I have made the post.

There is a message in the CBT I do every week and it concerns exposure. It says that panic dies down. It says that its important to try to stay with it and see it through to the other side. What usually happens is panic rises and we leave at that level never knowing that it would come down if we stayed. When we leave it goes down and we then make the mistake that it only went down because we left when it would have done this anyway. The main thing the CBT says here though is that in order to lose our fear of panic we must see it through as many times as it takes to see through this illusion and only when we lose this fear of panic will it stop happening. So how is this relevant to me when I did exactly what I was not supposed to do?

Its true. I did the wrong thing. I left that situation which is not the way to do it. I gave into the fear and the urge to get away from what I percieved to be causing panic to a place where it would stop. Learned behaviour, an error repeated over and over until it because the truth. Sometimes you have to though. Its not an endurance test. I couldn't handle it. I tried. I put up with it longer than I would normally manage. I kept telling myself: just another few seconds, another few seconds more. So that was not good in terms of long term recovery. But I did not leave the overall situation. As we headed back about halfway to the car the panic didn't just ease it just seemed to wash away in quite an incredible fashion. I felt normal. The breathing returned to normal and I felt calm. It was at this point I decided we should keep walking past the car and around the loch. I could have kept going. In fact it was my wife in the end that kept telling me we had to leave. I was taking more photos and walking further and further along but it was getting nearer time to pick up the kids from school. I could have kept walking and walking. I felt untouchable. I felt bigger than the panic and 100% sure it could not touch me. It was a very empowering feeling. A feeling that I keep reading about in the CBT books. After a long time of going through this finally I have experienced the truth first hand.

I wish I can say that is me now cured but far from it. Its a step in the right direction. The next time I go there or somewhere else there will be more panic and the chances are that moment will mean nothing. But it is proof it can be done. It is fine reading about it happening to other people but always with an anxious mind we cannot believe it will be the same for us- we are the exception to the rule. The only way we can believe that is to experience that and the only way we can make that certainty is to experience it over and over again. To do that needs constant exposure and this is something I have talked over with my wife. I need to get out more regular. Its too sporadic. I need to be doing this frequently even if I do not get moments like that frequently but that is the only way I have a chance of experiencing more. If nothing else though its a step in the right direction. A little bit of fear lost and confidence regained.

Fin: Atos saga ends

Fin, as the French say- or at least at the end of their films. Finally its all over. A long anxiety inducing wait ends in the way I was not expecting. Finally I feel I can breath.

It all started over a year ago when 2013 arrived and a letter from AtoS with it summoning me to a medical. A medical I was never asked to attend and instead from the answers I had given in the self assessment it was deemed I was fit for work. Not exactly raring to go. This was despite my GP saying I could not work, me saying the same and AtoS just not bothering to listen- as has been reported so many times in the tabloids. So started the process of appeal. In this I am very thankful for having a local council service, Money Matters, to aid and represent me. The appeal started in June 2013. A long wait. In the meantime the Job Centre saw fit to ignore the appeal, which they are entitled to do, and carry on regardless telling me to attend a work focused interview or my money would be stopped. Again though I have to be thankful the lady from the job centre was very understanding. Not only did she allow this first interview to be done over the phone but the next one too which is scheduled for two days time.

That is how it remained in 2013 until 2 weeks ago when I recieved a letter from the court telling me my appeal would be heard of 10th February. In this I would be represented as I could not attend. I was told by the man representing me that I had only a "slim chance" and that chance would be better if I would allow the panel to visit me in person. Even though it increased my chances I decided against it. I was in all honesty resigned to losing the appeal so I saw no point in putting myself through that just for the sake of it. I am not good at those kind of things. My wife gets frustrated. She says I am not honest enough and make things out to be better than they are. Almost enthusiastic. Its true. I find it hard to admit my weaknesses to people even when its important I should do. Its in my upbringing. Also though its because I feel I cannot admit it fully to myself or I may crumble so I try to stay positive and maybe that is to my detriment. The second job centre interview is an example. I cannot go and attend it and yet I felt compelled to tell the lady I would try believing somewhere in my head it would be possible even though rationally I knew it was not- not yet.

It wasn't though just this which put me off a home visit. I have ready countless cases of people losing their appeal with bigger problems than I have. The newspaper last week carried an article chronicling a handful of people who had been turned down with real problems. One blind, one with cancer, one with a tumor and one who's had a serious heart attack. Real problems and yet these people are being told they are fit to work. Its a shocking state of affairs. And these are the people considered by some in society to be benefit scroungers. There are a lot who are not but I also know there are alot who are. Where I live there are a good number of people who have never worked and have no intention of working. I know of one guy who was claiming benefits and working some place up the road- I know because he told me he could get me a job there. There are people cheating the system and by all means put something in place to weed them out but do it with some sort of common sense. Last week I was speaking to a lady online who was distraught after losing her ESA appeal. She suffers from chronic pain which at times can be extreme. She had to go through firstly the humilation of the medical and then a second humiliation at the court for her appeal. She was made to wait for an hour and then when seen was asked all manner of degrading questions like toilet habits and things then the appeal was refused. Here is a thing someone else told me but whether its true or not I don't know. He said he was asked if he'd had a cuppa that morning and when he said he had he was then asked whether he made it himself. This was in order to illustrate he could function and so could basically work.

Anyway on Saturday the letter came through 6 days after the appeal hearing and I did not open them until this morning. It turns out the man representing me called on Friday but I did not get the call until the following day because our BT line is up and down like a yo yo. I had to wait until night time to listen to the message he had left just wanting to get it over with and thinking back to how he didn't hold out much hope. I really could not believe it when he said the appeal was a success. Just unbelievable. Its like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can breathe easier. I want to work and I know the best way to get back working but just don't know how long it will take or if I will get there- I do hope so though. I also though know for sure the wrong way and taking someone who cannot swim and throwing them into the water is not it. Gradually. Its a confidence building thing. I see in so many other things this is how I have progressed and getting back into employment requires the same strategy. I am hoping this decision gives me the best chance of doing that.

I'm really not sure what it all means. I just know the threat for now is over and its time to get working hard again on my recovery. I do genuinely feel though for all those people going through this process who are more deserving than myself. I have been lucky not only in the final decision but also with not having to be put through the stress of a medical and appeal hearing. A lot of people are not so lucky and a lot of people do as they are asked and are still refused. A lot of people really do not deserve this pressure put on them which I have been very lucky to avoid.

The Fair

Looking back one thing is evident and not even that far back. From my first posts in 2008 to recently commenting on other people's blogs I cringe when I stumble upon something I have written and read it back. I can only apologise for my impatience and lack of proof reading and at times unreadable sentences littered not only with spelling mistakes and wrong grammar but also completely wrong words and combinations of words that make no sense. If I have a talent its for mindless gibberish. I will try in future to take more care.

Above a photo from the local "Fun Fair". I don't know how long it has been coming to town because up until a couple a years ago I did not take much notice of what was happening around about me in this little town. I have mentioned it twice before though. It would appear it does always come this time of year.  In 2012 I stood from afar looking at it and trying to take a photo with my camera not daring even attempt get anywhere near it. 2013 though I managed to get right up to the gates but a lack of desire to go further on my own and a £2 entrance fee ensured that was as far as I got.

This time I went straight in to meet my wife, her friend and 5 children. The coldest of days. The sky above is pretty clear but soon it disappeared in a storm of hailstones. We were there, then to the swimming near by to get the kids ready, then shopping, then back to pick the kids up again and finally back to the fair again. Three hours in all which is something of a record for me. There right until they shut up shop on schedule but I don't know if they saw it coming as at that time, Five O'Clock, it turned to a complete white out.

A good day for me even if it was freezing. Another sign of progress. Another step to recovery. And even a cheeseburger! Lovely. The kids enjoyed it. They wanted me tot go on something but already swaying and feeling a bit nauseous I declined. Just getting there was enough for me.

Meanwhile no word of my appeal. Not that I expect anything positive to come from it. I'm sure if it was good news it would have arrived by now via the representative. Until it does I have been blotting it from my mind. Its a strange thing though. Losing the appeal is bad because it attempts to force me to move quicker than I can and am willing to do while threatening me financially if I don't. Yet what they want, me in work, is what I am planning and I know if by some outside chance I did win the appeal I would be following the same route without the pressure and at my pace and most importantly with a far better chance of getting there. Its something I have discussed recently with the job centre but only if I win the appeal otherwise all bets are off. Frustrating.

That for another day though. I will remember yesterday Tuesday as a good day for me and the family.

D-Day looms

I always knew it would arrive and I have suspected all along it would not go well but finally its almost here and I am not looking forward to it. In truth I have had a long stay of execution. 2013 started as badly as it could get when the first post of the year arrived and it was from the Job Centre summoning me to a medical. After filling out the relevant form honestly I awaited news of a home visit for the medical rather than going out to one. Instead I recieved a letter from ATOS effectively bypassing any need for a medical and declaring I was fit for work with immediate effect- the price for saying you want to work, can't go out so would gladly work from home even if it meant licking envelopes all day just to be working. That led to me appealing against the decision and this appeal has been on hold- until now.

A couple of weeks ago I recieved a letter saying the appeal would be heard on 10th February with some notes about attending. That was followed by a letter from the people representing me calling me to a meeting to prepare for that appeal. Somehow having told both parties I am appealing because I cannot go out to places and especially stay in them I am still being asked to do so to justify why I can't. I have a fear of flying: OK then just jump on a plane over here and we will discuss it. Frustrating.

A phone call changed the meeting with my representatives to a phone call. This took place this morning in a fit of sheet panic- always do when I feel I have to justify that I am not lying or faking it. I don't know whether that is a bad reflection on society for thinking that way about "benefit scroungers" or a bad reflection on myself for assuming everyone thinks that way. I do though see that opinion alot on forums and particularly on Facebook from people who work. And heard it from a few people in my home- especially the Scottish Power guy. Whatever it is I can only say I am willing to work but cannot out of the home. I will also say that for as long as I have not been in employment I have tried to get better and back into work off my own back. When I was made redundant I did not claim a penny of benefits for 18 months. In that time I lived off my redundancy money until it ran dry and paid a lot of money for a Web Design course in the hope of creating my own employment from home until I was able to get back into a workplace again. Only when the pot ran dry did I have to seek some other financial income. And why did I have to do that? Well simple. 50% of any benefit I have ever had goes straight to the Halifax who tied me in to a 30% APR credit card which I stupidly ran up over a decade ago. That 50% does not bring that total debt down. It only maintains it. And the reality is that my main concern over losing this benefit is that debt which I will no longer be able to service. Its a terrible situation in all honesty. I do regret getting myself into as much as I regret trying to be self sufficient and trying to avoid being a benefit scrounger. When I was made redundant I could have paid 75% of that debt off and claimed benefits straight away and we would not be in this predicament. I though chose instead to try to do it without help which has backfired.

It seems the way of things. I talked to the representative this morning and he was a nice guy. Understanding. Not full of hope though. It looks very bleak indeed. Not only that but it appears any effort on my part to recover is further hampering my chances of winning the appeal. As I cannot attend the appeal on Monday there are two routes and only one crack at this. One route is to allow him to solely operate on my behalf but this would only give me the slimmest of chances. The better route is to have the appeal come to me and have me sit with them at home giving my side of things. But I chose the former. I just cannot bare that regardless of whether it gives me a better chance. The panic call was bad enough today. Having people come in and question me- the doubters- would mess me up for a long time to come. And this is why I have to take the gamble. Over the past year I have progressed so much but have so much further still to go. One big bad incident would send me spiralling right back at this stage. So the choice is not as simple as what is the best option for my appeal. Its a balance of that and what is the best option for my recovery. To be set back badly now would be too crushing to contemplate. And this is what annoys me because if the government want me to get back to work then this is the very worst thing they could be doing.

So that is how it stands at the moment. Judging by the sound of the man's voice "slim chance" is vague at most. He went through a number of reasons why and to be honest it lost me because I was panicking so much. Something about meeting criteria on one level but meeting no criteria on the level that mattered. Although a court of law is willing to excuse me from jury duty on the advice of my GP the DWP is not and instead I must meet some stupid system that makes no sense in the real world and will be ripped up some time in the future when its too late for me.

One of the things I found most disappointing, as I briefly referred to above, is that my attempts to get better and get into employment are actually working against me believe it or not. Apparently its not good news that I have agreed to attend my next job centre interview even though its only if I can make it at that time and 99% sure it will instead be another phone interview. The fact that I am trying to get there is proof that I am capable so why then can I not work? Going out, going places and all the other things I have done of late are evidence that I am ready to go back to work. It would appear that to have a better chance of winning the appeal I would have been better off sitting at home doing nothing and refusing point blank to do anything. That is depressing. 

I am therefore resigned to losing the appeal and its the day I have been dreading for a year. It must pass though and after it does I must try to find a way out of the mess it leaves behind starting with the bank and the job centre.