The world stops

 

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The shelves are empty and no one but the selfish can eat tonight. Shame on them. Old people going without so people can sit at home with 2 weeks worth of bulk buys to stuff their face with. On the whole these times bring out the best of people. There are countless stories of people going above and beyond to help out others. There are also unfortunately the selfish who are only concerned about themselves. The official word is that there is enough stock to go round as long as people buy sensibly but that is not enough for some. Shame on them.

What a difference a week makes. Last post things were as they had always been but with a little pest of a bug hovering about in the background. 7 days on the world has come to a juddering stop and panic has set in en masse. Panic enough to clear the shelves as I have said and stop needed delivers over the land. Everywhere is closing down and people are told to stay indoors. Its like an Apocalypse in many ways and for once I am not being overly dramatic. I have never known anything like it nor seen this coming a week ago. Its scary. Noone knows where this is leading or how it will end or if the panic even is unfounded- some think its no worse than seasonal flu. Only time will tell. 

Things do seem to be taking a turn at the moment. The boy got ill and so was off school anyway. He was desperate to go back as he is a primary seven and they were going to take in shirts to be signed in case they never returned. He never made it though and found out many others didn't go either. They have closed the school with no notice of when it will re-open but with Easter around the corner I am guessing it won't be until after that. My wife and his sisters seem to have something viral too with my wife unusually taking a few days off work. I too still feel full of the lurgy but thankfully no covid-19 symptoms. 

The chemist was a joke earlier in the week suffering also from this viral outbreak. They shut from 2-4 and when my wife went down at just before 5 she waited in a queue outside until 6 and got 4 people from the door when she was told they were shutting up. Jobsworth. So many people going out their way to help but this lot only working up until they are paid. Shocking. The NHS wouldn't do that. Obviously they cannot stay open indefinitely but to leave people out for that length of time and then basically pull the shutters down on them is appalling. 

It feels like its going to get a lot worse before it gets better. There is a dark mood in town. Things are getting eerily quite like the calm before the storm. Black clouds coming in over the horizon and blocking out the light. Frenzied people running about with bags of shopping leaving the stores bare. I hope I am wrong.

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Moving ever so slowly

 

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On Friday 13th the boy arrived home safely from his school trip which was good and even better he really enjoyed himself. I have to note here that the primary school really helped us out financially so I hope one day when I am better off I can repay them for that. Just a shame the kids didn't get a lot of time away as it happens. The girls got a day more for some reason. I think if we had paid all of it then I'd be annoyed as it was not cheap at all so 3 nights at probably the cost of a couple going on a city break to Paris for a long weekend is pretty steep. Still I cannot complain given the help we received. 

I've been trying not to dwell on my lurgy symptoms but they are still there. I cannot seem to rid myself of them. They have not gotten worse but have not gotten better either. Just not able to shake this off. Its not this Covid-19 but that baggage seems to be on the rise and making things awkward for a lot of people. What started off as something that was a bit of drama as usual akin to Avian bird flu or foot and mouth disease or swine flu is now apparently getting more serious. Only time will tell but Italy seems to be getting hit hard for some reason.

As a result of this lurgy though and the bad panic last week I have been struggling lately to get very far and definitely not enjoying it. I feel a bit wheezy and weak. The photo above is a sculpture at the railway station which is about a mile to go there and back. That is pushing it right now. I really cannot do much more than that so have to be wise and not try to push it. My body may be telling me to let it deal with the lurgy before pushing too far beyond so that is what I will do. 

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Clumsy

 

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Out of frustration a little I pushed myself to hit two miles this week for the first time this month. A real good effort. I've had a dose of the old lurgy in me and with the exhaustion it totally drained me but worth it just to remind myself it can be done. Just a pity I cannot do it every day but as I said previously that will come.

The photo here is something different. Its of me. A snippet really as I am not one for getting my photo taken. Actually I was talking to my wife about this the other day. She was going through photos on her phone. Mostly they were of her mum of course but some with her dad, her sisters, the kids, work collegues and friends. None of me. In fact I don't think there are many if any photos of me about. I said to my wife if I was gone tomorrow there would be no trace of me. She just sort of shrugged which I suppose is about all you can do. I am relating to Gregor Samsa or at least wallowing in self pity- so I need to snap out of that quickly.

Anyway the photo was taken not for here but for me to check out my head. Somehow I managed to whack myself on the head with a fridge door. It was all down to timing, bad timing. I cannot even remember what I was looking for but I opened the fridge door, stuck my head in to look, closed the door and then went take my head out. Not quickly enough. Crack! I didn't expect there to be a mark but I managed to cut it a little. Silly sod. Its not the first time. I remember doing it sometime back on a walk at Strathclyde Park and cutting through woods only to cut my head on a branch I never saw coming. Its down to lack of awareness in a mind that constantly has more room for the inner dialogue than the surrounding world. I need to be more mindful I suppose.

I feel really guilty because yesterday the boy left for his school trip up north which will see him stay away until Friday. I feel guilty because for the girls I was there in the car park to wave them off. Today I had to leave him and his mum in the park because I feel so crap and agoraphobia is so strong. Furthermore on Friday when he returns I won't be able to meet him and instead will have to get someone to collect him. I remember that from high school coming back from Spain and all the parents were there but I was left to walk home alone. I remember the tear in my eye which I could not stop and that empty feeling going into an empty house. I'm motoring down that self pity road again, snap out of it. Its weird not having him here. He was upset when he left as he has never been away on his own before. I just hope he has a good time. 

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On ice

 

Life for now feels like its on ice. The world outside is a skating rink and I fear broken bones and cut chins and all other injuries with its tractionless flooring just waiting to break people in two. So I went to the pub. What! Shock horror. Why am I going to the pub when I cannot work? Benefit scrounging scum getting boozed up on the Goverment's tab! I suppose that is how most will look at it. Truth is I don't get out and my wife and I also never have any kind of social time together. When I started getting better a couple of years ago we started going to the pub for something small to eat and a couple of drinks. At most an hour and a half while the kids were at school. And only once a fortnight and sometimes not even that. I cannot go to the pubs I once did just a few years ago as even they are out of my comfort zone. Thankfully there is a Miner's Welfare not to far away. Not far away at all but still it caused me mental torture today. I should say this is the first time I have gone out this year to anywhere. That is how long it as been. And because of that it was a nightmare.

I wasn't going to go. You have no idea what its like to want something but not want it because of the baggage it brings. Did I want to sit at home as I do 99% of the time or go to a pub, have something to eat and be around people? No brainer. I told my wife I couldn't go because every time I thought about it panic spilled over. She was not best pleased of course. Finally I had to have some Dutch courage in the shape of a dram. So much guilt with that sitting at one in the afternoon sipping a malt. It barely helped. I decided to go and it was pure panic for 20-40 minutes. I had a pint of lager and the anxiety started to drop. That was not the alcohol but the adrenaline finally dying down. We had two drinks and an egg roll each. We caught up as life passes us by as a couple. We finally relaxed. I actually got to enjoy the second lager. And as always after that I was so relaxed I really wished to stay longer as I felt almost normal being out of that living room with the same 4 walls and relaxed. Not to be. We time it so I have to get the boy straight after and that is mainly because that 90 minutes is a luxury which we cannot afford to extend whether we wanted to or not. I am hoping its not the last because the next time would be easier if its soon but again finances may mean its a few weeks before that can happen.

Why does that make me feel so guilty? Why should I not have a taste of some sort of enjoyment? I feel tremendous guilt putting it out there. It is what it is. I would love to work from home and do that without the guilt but I just cannot find the work to do. I have skills and I have equipment and appetite but cannot find the work. I have lots to give including a desire to be self sufficient but I don't have the means to travel far and stay out long. Maybe I was born at the wrong time as I think in decades to come we will all work from home where its possible as it makes sense to save on running a workplace which is not required. In fact lots of people work from home nowadays but you have to be in a workplace first. Maybe something will come up.