Glasgow

In 2013 I set out to travel by train again. It was a long journey. Before I could even think about getting on a train I had to manage to get to the train station and at the time barely get halfway before having to return home. When I started I had very little confidence on ever getting on a train again. In  2013 I set out steps which got me as far as being at the train station but at the time I felt too much fear to get on a train so effectively gave up. Maybe I was putting too much pressure on myself. Last year I finally got on a train and done the shortest journey possible. After that I did manage a little longer but not much.

Over the following months I did some more journeys but they were never easy and led to me stopping yet again. A year ago I posted about some journeys I did and that was about that. The furthest I got was Rutherglen but it was filled with panic and really put me off doing it again. In the past year I've had a couple of short train journeys but nothing of note. This week I decided I had to get on it again and try to get to Glasgow- long term. I did not plan on going to Glasgow this week but it turned out that way. In fact I went there twice.

I build these things up in my head. My wife and I headed off around 10:00 on Wednesday to get on the train. The plan was to go to Rutherglen. The route is Newton-Cambuslang-Rutherglen-Dalmarnock-Bridgeton-Glasgow Argyle Street-Glasgow Central. When we got to the station I decided it might be worth just getting tickets for Glasgow. No harm. So we did but I was determined to get off at Rutherglen and given how much panic I had there last time even that was something I was not looking forward to.

The train was busier than I hoped. That got me started. It was stupid. I had spent hours in the car far from home on the day we went to Oban. Rutherglen is less than 10 miles away. But the panic just kept going. When we got to Rutherglen I was determined to get off. I felt it was too much to handle. I was shaking visibly and was sure I was going to be sick. I was trying to work out where to be sick. I was so sure I would be. It was better to get off and then if it happened it happened. But something stopped me. Something said something that people have been telling me for years: so what? So what if I am sick? So what if I am shaking? So what? I asked my wife how long until Glasgow. 7 minutes, she said. Its nothing really. I stayed on. And did anything bad happen? No. I got to Glasgow Central and my wife said if I needed to we could go straight back. I lingered. It took a long time. Walking through Glasgow remembering all the places I used to go I suddenly felt OK. I looked at time and it was 11:48. I then remembered the train had arrived at 10:18. 90 minutes exactly. That is how long it had taken to calm but calm it did.

The journey back was fine. We stayed in Glasgow long enough to pick up the kids from school on the way back. No anxiety. My wife had also bought a Halloween costume for the boy which turned out to be too small so yesterday we went back through to Glasgow again. No anxiety at all. This time we went on a very long walk by the Clyde taking in all the large buildings of different shapes and sizes. Again it was a lovely day. I feel now I have turned a corner with regards to train travel. The first 20-30 minutes is the worst part of anxiety. This journey covered that. A journey of longer should in theory be too long to end in panic and so not leave fear attached to the memory. That opens up all sorts of possibilities as it would be good to travel some places where my wife doesn't have to do the driving. It also means if there is ever anything wrong with the car or we don't have one then we are not tied to the home.

We were walking along the Clyde when a thought came to me. Its a while since I have looked at any of the genealogy I used to do. The oldest ancestor I could find lived at the quay on the Clyde and worked as Chief Engineer on Paddle Steamers which went back and forth between Glasgow and Liverpool. And it was in the Clyde he died after wash from another incoming steamer moved the plank he was boarding and put him in the water. I looked into the water wandering just where that might have happened. Then I thought back to how years ago I wanted to visit the places they lived. Their main address was Carrick Street. I got out Google Maps on my phone and to my astonishment it was right behind me. What are the chances? There are no buildings in that small street now but weird all the same. And as I walked up the Clyde with my wife I started to wonder if things happen for a reason. We passed the STV buildings, the BBC buildings, the Armadillo, SECC and the Hydro among other things. Then over the water was the Science Centre and berthed in front of it was a paddle steamer- The Waverley. As I said in my last post its my wish to get on that old steamer again at some point so maybe it is a sign.

The Crossing

In order to fully recover there must be nothing left that I say no to- within reason of course. I'll stop at a plane because even before my problems I hated air travel and still do and have no desire to get pinged across the world in a big tin can. I've been abroad a few times on planes but also without planes so the latter suits me. Still that is a long way off. I have to conquer Scotland, then England, then the UK and finally Europe. That is the long term plan anyway. For now though its a case of taking the things I fear and tackling them.

I post back in April about us being in Largs and my wife suggesting we take the ferry to Millport. The ferry I was OK with but the bus ride on the other side I was not. It is strange when you think about it. I could go an hour in the car but not 20 minutes, at most, on the bus. And while that fear remains it holds me back. Back in April I said no. Last week I convinced myself to do it. I was thinking a couple of months down the line when I said it to my wife but she said: why not this weekend? And why not indeed? So we did.

It says a lot that the hour drive is just taken for granted now. That is a good sign. I did not even think twice about the drive to Largs and even when we got there there was no fear. As it happened we parked and walked to the ferry terminal to find it about to leave. My wife quickly went in and bought tickets and we boarded. All good. Well sort of. I was leaving land for the first time in a long time and because I had no need to get on the water in over a decade I forgot how the rocking of waves affects my balance. Over the years I think my ear problems have gotten worse but its not been a problem. Walking on the ferry there was movement and suddenly my head was swimming. Its not a nice feeling. And that was enough to kick off panic for the first time in a while. There was no way back. My mind suggested I would spend the short joruney disoriented and being sick and lying on the floor. Catastrophising. That didn't happen. In fact the panic died down and although I had some more waves of light headedness with the movement of the ferry it was fairly calm. I should also point out here that when we came home there was none of that whatsoever so there is a good chance tension and all the rest from anxiety was a big factor. But it does remind me if I am ever to go on a cross channel sail I will have to go to the GP to get my ear problems checked out because there is a definite effect there even from turning my head quickly as there has been going right back to before 2000 when it started in Spain from an ear infection.

So we crossed and it was great in truth after the initial fears. The boy loved it as its the first time he can remember being on a ferry. There cannot be too many shorter ferry crossings in the UK I would guess so that was good but I feel if it had been longer I would have coped as I was calm after getting the anticipatory anxiety out of the way. But that was the part I was not worried about. We were on mull and there sat the bus which in my head would be a struggle. In my head that was an empty bus with my head in hands just getting it over with. We stood at the back of a queue seeing the bus was already full and people were already having to stand as they got on. Like buses they say. A big old second dose of panic. This was proper panic. I did not want to get on that bus and I was starting to shake. I told my wife I didn't want to do it. She didn't know what to do. What could we do? Well I had to just do it. If I didn't then my family would have to wait for another. So I just did it and for the most part its the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time. The bus appeared to lack suspension. I was holding on to bars with a bag over my shoulder pressed up against someone with another pressed behind me and thrown back and forth at every turn in the road. Even if I wanted off I could not get off. My son thought it was great but the girls less so. I was just glad to get off when we reached the end of our journey.

I had built it up so much that it was always going a panic fest and it was. Like the ferry the trip back by bus was totally fine. I see now just how important these things are. I have put them off for so long because I know what I am going to get each time and I do get it each time and its not nice but long term its the only way to get passed it. And I did get passed it. It is quite unbelievable that in October in Scotland people were able to walk about in t-shirts. It was just like a summer day. We were so lucky. If we had gone to Millport on the day we went to Oban then it would have been a different tale but we didn't. I really enjoyed it from that point on. We did a fair bit of walking and had a spot of lunch in the cafe. Lovely day. The ferry also goes further afield. At some point we will go further and hopefully get back on the Paddle Steamer "The Waverly" again- really want to do that. Winter is upon us but plenty of time over the cold season to plan ahead for the sunnier days and all these trips are making that possible. I am hoping that at the very latest this time next year these trips are taken as proper holidays and that I am in employment. Its too soon at the moment while I have some issues to iron out but its not far away at all if all keeps going as it has been.