The world on fire

Unlike most weeks I am actually happy with the results of this one. The image above I have posted only has a little processing. No Photoshop and no Lightroom. The only thing I have done is cropped it and increased 'Shadow' in Picasa to make the silhouettes blacker. It is virtually how it came out of the camera. And for that I am happy. Something kind of apocalyptic about it which is what I was looking for. The sun was setting which can make the sky look like it is burning but I wanted to add the silhouettes as if someone, or some people, were looking out at the world burning. And for me it worked considering I didn't have to fake it. Just the right time of night and ensure the focus was on the right part of the sky and bingo. I did take lots mind you but that is the best way if you want to find one that works for you- and why digital is good.

If you are wondering what was actually happening at the time my wife and kids were trying on different sunglasses to look at the sunset. Different tints in each one belonging to the kids. One set made it look blood red. And there they are at the window looking. I could of course have used one of the better packages to tidy things up and especially, my wife would be mortified, clean up the window condensation as a result of her boiling potatoes in the kitchen at the time but I like where I can to keep as much out of the camera as I can unless I am doing something specific.

On the anxiety front a lot of what I call melancholy. Others would call it anxiety related depression- not the same as clinical depression. I don't like using the word 'depression' though. Not because there is anything wrong with it but because I don't want another worrying label and more than that it is not actually depression at all. At times I have been able to see through it when I sit calmly and observe. It still catches me out though even after seeing it for what it is more than once. It feels like its a great sadness, I feel jittery, the face muscles gets tight, the chin might feel a wobbly, the eyes feel like they are water balloons ready to burst, the is an ambiguous feeling I may burst into tears and a deep fear that I will have a complete breakdown. So it is little surprise when I do see through what I see is raw fear. My eyes are always dry and tired, as told by the optician a few years back, so do self lubricate. The jittery feeling is the anxiety. The tight face muscles is tension. The feeling is a ruse, its misinformation. The fear is what is actually creating the anxiety which is creating the physical sensations.

Looking back I see this is more like an emotional overload. I remember feeling the exact same way in my boss's office over a decade ago when he told me that a line workers job was more skilled than technican's job, my own as it happened, and that is why they were getting paid more. I had been there a couple of years when a woman on the line got her son a job and within a month he was getting paid more than me. Firstly I asked him why then were they putting me through college and not the line workers. And secondly I told him that I would then be looking for a new job. By the end of that week I was on more than any of them. But I digress. In that moment I was so consumed by anger that I struggled to keep it back and felt as much as I wanted to punch that smug face in that instance by pulling back I was going to burst into tears- through anger. Also I felt the fear after having a fit of uncontrollable hysterics recently at a comment I found funny on Facebook. Even my wife said she had not seen me laugh like that in a long time but I had to curb it through fear- fear that it was manic and unnatural, unsettling. And in the moments I see this then it all washes away and I am free of it. But the problem is holding on to that. I don't see it enough so its been troubling me this week.

Its the first full week back at school for the girls also. Already I can feel the tiredness accumulating. My wife keeps saying it will lift once the routine is established over the next few weeks but I know from the past that is not true, not nearly always the case. Tiredness accumulates. Mornings watching the boy has me in and out of dread. I try not to clock watch but invariably do. Its one of life's quirks that if you try not to think of something you do. And each time I look at the clock my mind automatically builds stories via calculations at links. For example I look and see 9:45. 45 minutes gone. One sixth of the way through. Do it again and that is a third. It drags by.

Nothing really and in comparison to others nothing at all but I try to get some understanding by explaining its not a holiday even if people don't believe that. I mean my wife for example says she would love to have the time alone I have. Its like life is one long party. Hey you don't have to work you lucky sod! You know the kind of thing. I have the time but its not quality time as I don't have the freedom to use it. Its full of black holes I spend most of the day trying not to be pulled into.

Not much in the way of photographic opportunities this week again like most. On a walk I went through a small park, Alton Towers (see previous post), I pass through a lot. The place is one big tip. People have no pride. And I assume that two toy smurfs lying on the ground abandoned looking almost new were once in the eyeline of that little child. Something quite sad about what they had become. Something that someone once desired enough to want to pay for now lying sodden near a puddle abandoned on a path- still with a smile on their face. Maybe even a well thought out and sought out present from a relative or friend just discarded. As I said sad but also a little disturbing because I have seen a pram to upended and it makes me wonder just what went on there?

Black smoke

Black smoke, a new pope. Or is it white- I can never remember. Around here it means something is on fire out there. Lots of black smoke filling the sky. Went on for quite a while. Very hard to pinpoint exactly where it was. Could be a factory or could even be on the dual carriageway. Something big anyway given the amount of smoke that kept pumping. That aside nothing to report really. One of those weeks. Could moan about how anxious I have been but I've flogged that horse enough. An indication of life just passing without incident at the moment.

But I will say I am still very fatigued. In fact feeling totally rundown. My engine has spluttered to a halt and belching out black smoke like that image above- or like my car did one night coming home from work. Shattered. Flushed. Fatigued. Exhausted. Like the body has shutdown. Jittery. No energy. Breathless with the slightest movement. Shaky on my feet. All that kind of thing. Feel like I just want to crumple up into a ball and sleep for a few days. Just can't seem to get refreshed after resting and feel as tired after sleep as before. I don't think any amount of sleep will help. Its more to do with energy resources. Its like they are spent and I need to wait for more to arrive. And its a cycle. It affects the appetite and we all know food is what gives us energy. It creates worry over doing the lightest activities which adds tension and creates more tiredness. But at some point it will right itself. I have no idea why or the circumstances that create it but it always does. Just a slow grind waiting for it to happen.

But I should also say I don't have the monopoly on tiredness. My wife has been tired all week too and at times napping. That is something I should be doing but I find when I shut my eyes its like my mind is given free reign to whizz even faster. I lie with my eyes shut for a bit before agitation gets the better of me. I need a good few power naps I think. Just wish there was an on/off switch for the mind chatter to turn off when its time to nap.

Also worth noting that a lot of people, without anxiety, would say: its tiredness, deal with it. In some way true. A lot of the negativity is self talk stemming from the guilt of not being able to be active and also fear of making things worse with activity. Like if my wife called from the shops to say she had heavy bags and needed me to meet her. Anyone would feel selfish and be riddled with guilt if they refused. At the same time I am conflicted because I would fear, I would know, it was going to make me feel worse. Not for 5 or 10 minutes after but the rest of the day and even days after. It is why when I do push myself in this state I tend to leave it as late as I possibly can in the day so I have less time feeling shit after. All that said I would not refuse, couldn't refuse.

I know alot of people push through tiredness. I've done it myself in the past. This is different though. Anxiety related fatigue is different from usual tiredness. If you go to the gym and come home sore you can take some gratification in that and it feels good to stretch out or soak in a hot soapy bath. If however you have done very little but fret and find your muscles are really sore and stretching them brings only more pain then there is no gratification. If you find yourself so weak that you are shaky but expected to just push through it then its not so easy. If you sleep and wake up feeling the same its not much fun. As I said it feels more to do with lack of energy resources to the point of being jittery than from just being tired. Its what I would call an agitated tiredness. Pushing through it you can get things done but feel worse for it.

Anyway I just realised in the first paragraph I said I wouldn't moan and have just written a novella. Moving on...

Lastly a weird one. A bit of fun for a change. Lighten the mood of a dark post. Blow away that black smoke. The girls were mucking about with the younger one doing a mad dance. Not as mad as the photo turned out. A well freaky image. For some reason in between getting their dinner and their bath and then the thereafter they get totally hyper. My wife has always insisted they get bathed every night which I don't see the point in. Part of it is hygiene related but she used to insist it was to tire them out but the evidence would strongly suggest it has the opposite effect. So while they were mucking about wanting their picture taken I tried to experiment a bit. Set a few on longer exposure. What I was looking for was a kind of ghost effect but the result was a lot more weirder than haunting.

Wet Season

Week Seven

Feeling so shitty at the moment and not sure why. Change in weather maybe. Very cold indoors, very wet outdoors. Lessening daylight hours and of those few are bright. Lack of rays possibly. Or just the lack of light to shine upon leaving the mood dark. Whatever it is its crawled in when the sun went away.

So fatigued and although I am getting longer sleeps at the moment it doesn't seem to replenish the energy any quicker. Can't remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed. That might be down to age as much as anything else. We all know how it is. In our heads we are still teenagers. I think I over catastrophise a lot of physical things in that way. Like a few weeks ago in the post about the old folks. I see them through a child's eyes. I forget my own lack of activity in comparison to them. I forget that they are not many as many decades older as through my eyes. I forget I am getting on in years which means I cannot run about like I used to when I also have not run for a long time. Its not self denial, its just absent mindedness in regards to the aging process. Even looking at my skin or blemishes I forget that its not uncommon given that I am fast approaching my 40s.

I couldn't be bothered going out but I forced myself out. Better to at least make the effort lest the guilt set in. This photo is rubbish, I know. But that is the thing, I will post crap photos sometimes for illustrative purposes, or maybe more often than not- its subjective of course. Well not this one- its crap, end of story. The weather has changed and maybe my mood and drive with it as I said. I like the rain but electronic things don't. That is why if nothing else if I can get out because I'm worried about my wee camera. Like me its getting on a bit and not waterproof and should something happen to it through my own stupidity then no more photos for me and no more photos for my family. So have to be careful.

The reason this one is so poor is it was the only sheltered spot I could find to try to illustrate the change in weather. It is though also proof to myself that I was out as it would have been easier and better to take a shot from indoors to the outside. A puddle if nothing else.



Just the two photos this week because there really isn't much else to show- even for illustrative purposes. I took enough but they were all either very poor or very drab or just totally uninteresting. I was up the loft a few times this weeks and have photos of a barren messy little area which are no good to man or beast. Some outdoors which are blurry from the poor light of a cloudy day or rain spattered when I decided to take a risk. Others too. Nothing worth posting though.

On the other side of things lots of tension and anxiety and subsequently tiredness. Not helped by the boy being in bed with us most of the night a few nights this week kicking off covers and taking up 90% of the bed. I always have tension in my body when he sleeps there probably, which to be honest is a rarity, because my wife and I are like bookends teetering on either edge while he sprawls out. Not that it happens often. Above was taken on one of the few walks. A break in the rain. Here is an area I refer to as Alton Towers. Its renovated and landscaped now but there was a time when it had swing railings with no swings, monkey bars and a ground full of broken glass. I'd taken one of the kids up there for a play but there was no playing. A sarcastic name I used because my wife had told me to take the child up there one day. Well that is what I thought. Turns out where she meant, a stone's through away, there is a perfectly good play park I didn't know about. It was then. Now its vandalised and everything broken which is typical of around here.

Either side of the lens

My wife asked me to take some photos of her as she needed a new profile pic for Facebook. I didn't need asking twice. So I took a few which is restricted in this place as there is not a lot of room and even less natural light. Got roughly what I wanted. After selecting about 6 I processed them in different ways. This one was my favourite of the lot but my wife chose another one. I was actually quite happy with this one mainly because its decent for a compact camera and I think few would guess my wife was sitting on the back of a couch propped against an orange wall in a living room.

I don't mind getting my photo taken as long as I don't have to look at it. A lot of people are like that. This one taken by my 8 year old daughter so I will make an exception. A lot of people just see all their faults. Others though don't. Some people can't stop looking at themselves. Nothing wrong with that. If you have the confidence why not? And its not just beautiful people. I admire people who are not so beautiful but don't care. They are happy not to conform. If I had the choice to be beautiful but self-conscious or a non-conformist ugger I'd choose the latter because beauty does not guarantee you will be happy with your appearance, even some beautiful people hate the way they look.

Contentment is a great thing. Just wish I could find it. For the moment I don't really want to post pics of myself here but for once I'll make an exception because this was taken by my oldest daughter who takes a lot of good photos regardless of the subject matter. And on another note I don't want to be posting photos not taken by me either. But again I make the exception. Well mainly because its been a quiet week.

Breathing

This old guy walks circuits up and down this path numerous times at different times in the day. No idea why he does circuits and not a long walk. I do circuits because I am agoraphobic. Is he agoraphobic or is there a medical need for him to be close to home? I'll never know. Too shy and paranoid to ask. Puts me to shame though. Walks at least 4 times what I do. Surely my body is no weaker than his? Must be in the mind. Everything is in the mind. Even watching all three kids is a problem all week long. Hard going. Taking them for short walks is tough going. Not physically demanding so it must me all mental. I see the walker, I admire the walker and maybe in someway I wish to be the walker or see some future self in him.

I see a lot of old people about there, well it is an old folks home. And the shopping centre is close at hand- though not for me at the same distance. Some of them move at a snails pace or shuffle with a zimmer but they get there and back. Yes it has to be mental. Surely I am not physically in a worse state. Surely not.

The mind is a strange thing and can be a very powerful thing. It can even overpower your own will. I learned this through observing my wife and its something that should have helped me come to terms with one aspect of anxiety and panic but for some reason didn't. My panic is not like most's from what I can tell. Not the majority of the time. I have had panic where I have felt well out of my depth and get the classic panic attack with the rapid pounding heart and hyperventilating. Most of the time though its not like that for me. This in itself makes me wonder if that is why I am having so much trouble getting on top of it. Mainly with my own panic its shaking, restricted breathing and this horrible feeling of despair. I am not aware of any difference in my heart and my breathing is definitely not rapid. But they are panic symptoms and I sometimes get all the others like jelly legs, unreality, etc.

The breathing though bothers me. And this is where observing my wife should help. I had convinced myself it was physical rather than mental that I could not get a breath. Some self help say its extreme tension in the chest from panic giving the illusion you are not getting a breath. I beg to differ. I feel like I am holding my breath but no matter how much I consciously try to let go it is not my decision. So could that me mental? Well my wife does this too in a certain situation. If there is something on TV and someone is drowning she does it and can't stop until it stops or the channel is changed. She has also been known to do it if on TV someone catches a fish and drops it on the ground with it thrashing about gasping for air. No matter how much she tries she cannot stop holding her breath. I see the panic in her face- STOP IT! So with me I figure its the same thing but with fear, maybe, as the catalyst rather than seeing suffocation. Like anyone who gets scared and takes an intake of air but then I can't seem to stop.

God what a happy start to the post.



On one of my walks I noticed this wall has been broken down by little shitty vandals. This wall physically has nothing to do with us but contractually its part of a compound we are liable for. It pisses me off because the only people who use is are the public sitting waiting on a bus or passers-by walking over it but I'll bet our factor sends all of us a bill for its repair. And it won't be cheap. Its bad enough trying to find the money for the things we do need without looking for money for things that really have nothing to do with us.

I hate the idea of factors- people who you have to pay as part of the mortgage agreement to look after your premises. Its all backhanders. It took us a few years to actually look at the bill and realise the £20 float we were paying each month was for them to pay for bills in advance and a phone call to realise that we didn't have to pay it but what we did pay would be returned when we sell the home according to their records. The bulk of a bill is that and their management fee. One of the neighbours, a single mother, is constantly at court with them for refusing to pay. She cited the gardener as an example who is charging over £1000 a quarter and in her words: "F*ck I could cut ma grass in half an oor with with a pair a scissors". And she is right. There are two buildings. We are a block of six. The other is a block of eight. That wall above is theirs. They have the big pathway, all the grass, the wall and also three of eight flats are owned by the factor. So basically we are subsidising them who let their flats out to the jobless at extortionate rates because they don't pay it, the council does. So they can charge what they like and cream a little bit on top with the obligated mortgage holders.

My wife has made some mistakes in her life- hey, watch it! But this little shithole is by far and away her biggest. For years I wanted to move back up north and she kept dragging her heels. I gave a flat up to be down here stupidly. A catalogue of errors. To be honest I think we are that kind of people.



A good few hot days. Hottest its been I think. We all sat out for a good bit on one day and stupid sod that I am I never put on any sun cream. After coming in my face was really tight and burning. I looked in the mirror to see it is burnt. That caused anxiety. But nothing I can do about it. Like so many of my errors I have to be pre-emptive not worry after when the damage is done. Still on the bright side it was good to get out. In life there is always balance and the stress of minding the kids in the morning is counter balanced with getting some fresh air and UV rays.