2017

Its been 11 months since my last post and in that time in between I have not once ventured back into the blogasphere until now. A combination of things first drove me away from posting after January and the longer my absence the harder it seemed to be to return. But I wanted to round up the year as I have done in many years past with a final post before the beginning of a new one. Its no coincidence that I have left that post until the final hours of the year as I continue to put off doing it. As well as the usual end of year post though I also want to start posting again more regular because 2018 will be an eventful year no matter how it pans out.

I try to think back to January and where my head was at. It was a mixed bag. Lots of panic but I had met up with my friends for the first time in around 15 years. Some good and some bad. I was at a stage of limbo where I am still and by that I mean I was at a point where I was starting to entertain the idea of getting back into work but still a long way off doing so. That continued for many months until that decision was taken out of my hands. It was a bit like having learned the theory of how to swim but standing on the edge of the water too scared to put more than a toe in and then out of the blue someone comes up behind and kicks you in with no care as to whether you sink or swim. That person being the DWP, as always.

The latter six months have been hard. I have a friend who know what is truly hard so I cannot really complain as my problems don't even scratch the surface. And a lot of other stuff on top which I'd rather not talk about has arisen at the wrong time to compound things. I won't drag out the saga which is still going on 5 months later but I was basically summoned to a Work Capability Assessment by the DWP which I am still unable to attend. The first time they accepted my reasons for not attending but the second time they didn't and not only stopped my benefit but did so 6 weeks retrospectively. From there I had to make a mandatory appeal which they dragged out (this happens to everyone) and finally rejected my appeal so I was left with no income. It was with great difficulty that I had to apply for JSA and it took a month of building up to that by going into the Job Centre for a few minutes at a time to finally jump through the ropes. The first hour long interview was a nightmare and each time signing on after has been just as bad. It has never gotten any easier. But it was needed to get some kind of income even though my panic has been on the increase again and I am less ready for work now than 6 months ago. And to top it off I got a letter a couple of weeks after first signing on telling me I was not eligible for JSA.

The Job Centre told me to appeal my ESA decision and by doing so I would get my ESA re-instated while I waited for the appeal which could take 4-6 months. All good. I got the council people at Money Matters to handle it again except this time they were not so helpful. It was all a nightmare as they refused to do anything until I went to see them first in the room next to where hearings are heard. So I did it all and called the DWP who said I'd have my ESA re-instated. It was an enormous relief. Or it was for 5 minutes when I got a call from ESA Greenock saying that since I did not attend the assessment I would not get ESA again regardless of my appeal. That about knocked the stuffing out of me. I had to sit for over an hour at Citizen's Advice to see if they could do something but they could do nothing. It turns out because my wife works more that 22 hours a week, just over that, we are not entitled to income based JSA either. So the upshot is that although I still cannot work and am even less able to work because of the process I have had to go through I must find a job or do without any benefit unless I win my appeal which might not happen until June or maybe even later. And in the mean time I have to keep signing on and when I am summoned go to the Job Centre to prove I have been looking for work.

An eventful 2018 lies ahead then for sure. I hope to post more regular as there will no doubt be much to post about. My hope is that I look back on this time and see it was actually a good thing on hindsight and was the event that got me my life back again and able to properly support my family on my own without help. That is the hope. At the moment though I am waking and not getting back to sleep with dread over finances and other things. But as bad as that is there is still another side to it. Even this time last year I could not have seen myself sitting for an hour in the job centre and citizens advice. These things keep me full of adrenaline and therefore more prone to panic but less reluctant to do things that make me panic if that makes sense. We have just been up North for Christmas and I had panic so many times where there was none before but where I would have escaped in the past I now see it out.

Anyway as brief a recap of the past 11 months as I can give and hopefully more to say in the new year. I wish you all a great 2018.

Moving forward

In the moment there is only the panic and none of the reality is allowed in. Its a dark block shadow preventing all light. For example in the CBT I read over and over got boring after so much repetition to the point where I knew each next word so I gave it up but  in that moment I could remember none of it. The key concepts were things I had burned into my mind but they were gone too- in that moment. Less ventured was the final chapter on recovery and if I could have recalled that then I would have remembered that the path to recovery is not smooth. Setbacks- these are invitable. I am not yet panic free. I can't be. I am better prepared though and as a result I am not falling back into the mistakes of the uninformed which led me to a "disorder". In truth though full blown panic had been so infrequent that I dared to believe it was gone forever.

2017 has already taught me much panic lies ahead but it has also taught me I can get through it. And if the CBT is to be believed then its important that I still experience these episodes. That said I did not feel as philosophical last week. I was standing underground out of breath having just missed the train. My wife and I had ran- well somewhere between a quick walk and a slow jog. Just missed the train. The suddenly I felt panic hard. Small platform underground. Dark tunnels. No way out- tickets used to get in not out. I realised I needed the toilet and could not wait. Panic. How long to wait? 25 minutes. I needed my CBT. No signal underground so no Internet and no CBT. Not that it mattered. It was full blown panic and once it hit there was no stopping it. It was torture.

It wasn't though the first time this year or even the first time that day. We'd got the train to Glasgow at rush hour and there were only two carriages so we had to stand. From the off I was uncomfortable but I never thought about what would happen at each stop. There were 5 before Glasgow after our own and at each stop more people got on and hardly anyone got off. As it filled I got more and more uncomfortable. At the penultimate stop though after deliberations each time about whether to get off I finally started to calm. I could feel the tension releasing and was glad for it. But then it turned on its head. We were underground into the dark and people in seats started to get up and move torwards the door where I stood. I had less and less space and so the panic switch was flipped. Its something people on the underground do every day but for me its been a while and so it caught me out. The relief was immense when the doors open and my legs were like jelly on the walk up top and out the station. That was the start. My wife's phone was being repaired and so we had to wait for 2 hours in the city centre and for the first hour at least I just could not calm down at all. Eventually I did. We had a nice walk and even sat for a while at a window seat in Starbucks watching the world pass by. Again the main point is that nothing bad happened and although I am in no hurry to recreate these episodes the panic did pass. I am beginning to agree with the CBT books and seeing that the only way to lose the fear panic lives off is to keep experiencing it until that fear is lost.

Without doubt my start to the trip into Glasgow played a massive part in what happened on leaving. When there is a lot of adrenaline in the body then panic is triggered much more easily. And underground its easy to see in that state how easy it was to get myself in trouble. If nothing else by rushing to catch the train I had emulated all the panic symptoms when at rest- out of breath, jelly legs, shaky, sweating and others. Then needing the toilet. If anyone desperately needed the toilet and had nowhere to go then it would cause panic and already being in panic it was clear that it was going to be the case. The truth is not only did I manage to get by the 25 mins until the train came and the half hour train journey but we also then went to the shops and all without needing the toilet. In the mind. Realistic but in the mind.

So plenty of panic to start the year and to be honest I've probably experienced more panic in this first month than the whole of last year put together. The first of the year was actually at IKEA. I had never been before and so was not prepared firstly for its gigantic size but more problematic was the layout. I felt like I was being herded along and once in I could not turn back. It just seemed to go on and on and as we were turning back on ourselves at time I got really disorientated. I kept dipping in and out of panic but after about 20 minutes it just blew. I really struggled. It was blind panic. On one hand I was going to ask a member of staff to let me out and on the other I had eyed up a fire exit that I was tempted to just open and flee. Instead I rushed on thinking it had to end sometime. And it did. The end was not as far as I had thought. As bad as it was I able to go back to the start and back around again with no panic at all. And I would imagine I was not the only one feeling a bit claustrophobic in that kind of environment.

Panic. Its still there but I am fully convinced now that one day it won't be and in order for that to be the case I must get through these episodes. In order to get back into life again there are lots of new things I need to get back into and they are not going to be easy but like most other things they will in time become normal to the point I do not think about them. That said not all new things are hard work even if the apprehension before hand is unbearable...

My wife had planned a meal on new year's day as has become tradition at home. At around the time we would normally be sitting down to dinner we were all sitting down in a car heading for the place where I was brought up. I was physically shaking and despite the heating on full my hand were freezing. It was anxiety. I knew that but could do nothing about it. Earlier that day one of my old friends had messaged me to say he was over from Europe for a couple of days and did I want to meet up. It then turned out that new year's day was the only day he could do and most of my other friends would be there too. My wife was adamant that I should go. I wasn't so sure. Not that I did not want to see them all but I did not think I could manage it and the journey through just made it all the more worrying.

I went into a pub I had never been in. It was small, very small. I'd say there were about 20 people in and it could hold about 20 people. I had to squeeze by people at the bar to get a look at the back and none of the faces registered. I didn't feel comfortable at all. I left and got back in the car as my wife was waiting outside. I couldn't do it. More than 15 years had passed since I last saw any of them and I could not do it. I sat in the passenger seat wandering what to do caught between staying and fleeing. At this point a man came outside and lit up a cigarette. It looked like one of my old friends but I could not be sure. It felt surreal getting out and walking up to him. I still couldn't tell but he could. And in that moment every ounce of anxiety subsided into insignificance and was swallowed by joy.

It was something I did not realise I had missed so much. I could not believe that so much time had passed and I had not yearned this. It was so good to catch up. There were 5 of us in total and then a girl we went to primary school with happened upon us by coincidence. It was so good spending time with them. It may have been 15 years but it only felt like 15 minutes. Not one grain of awkwardness. Bliss. It won't be the last.

That is how I started the year. Yes there has been panic and there will be lots more to come but its OK. I spent the start of the year with my friends after Christmas with my family. That is what matters. That is what I will remember when I look back- not the panic. My hopes of employment might not be as close as I thought but they are still a reality with some care.

Low moon and marooned

Being an insomniac is part and parcel of having an anxious mind that just won't shut up so early rises are not something I look forward to but as a parent must do. Fine. But the boy is making them earlier and earlier. He is still coming into bed with us at some random hour before its time to get up. When I am awake that is it for me. The mind kicks in and it doesn't stop until the early hours of the next day. If my wife takes 5 seconds to get back to sleep then that would be termed having difficulty by her standards- yes I am jealous. My body works in reverse. It is tired all the way through to from waking until after tea time and then it starts to wake up peaking to full alertness sometime after midnight. Maybe its a throw back to the times of nightshift.

And so it was this morning when I found myself up less than 5 hours after I went to bed. I looked out the window to see the moon lower than I am used to seeing it in the sky. All I could think of was how long the day ahead was counting off each hour in my head and what they entailed. The boy was wide awake too but at least at midday he could later catch up on some sleep. My wife and I are of differing opinions. In 9 days time its the boy's birthday and her parents are buying him the new bed my wife thinks will keep him in bed. I will eat humble pie if he stays in there and is not clambering through to our room having kicked off the covers in the chill of morning to seek the heat and comfort of his mother. We will see.

Off on a tangent already. What I wanted to talk about was something after the girls had gone to school. Something I won't forget in a while. My wife had a meeting at her work today for 2 hours and as always wanted to take the boy into the creche so he can interact with other kids instead of sitting home with me watching Mickey Mouse. So at the back of ten we were all set but my wife kept pottering about so I decided to take the boy ahead while she did whatever it was she was doing. It was bloody freezing and I was not expecting it. The fog had lifted revealing blue skies but the cold was still there and the paths had a skin of ice on them. About halfway to my wife's work she caught up with the boy and I and then we all traipsed over. As they went in I made my way home. All fine. That is actually the earliest I've been out for a walk for months. Maybe its the body clock again but I find walking easier when I go out later.

All was fine until I approached home and put my hand in my pocket to get my house keys. It is without doubt the quickest my anxiety has gone from zero, well not quite, to sixty. Microseconds. For an instance I froze before I started shaking. In my head I saw my wife locking the door even though I was out of site by then and then I saw her bag at her feet in a meeting room with my house keys in it. It sounds trivial- why not just go back and get them? Not when panic hits you full on. Its complete helplessness. Intense despair. I didn't know what to do. It was so cold and I was panicking. I couldn't walk and I couldn't sit on the doorstep for two hours.

My body went off on its own. Before I knew it I was chapping a neighbour's door and as I did it I was wondering why. What could my neighbour do? What could I say? And bizarrely as I waited to see if there was a response I found I had walked around the side of the house out of view. My mind and body were going in different directions. It was very scary I have to say. Not only did I not know what to do but I couldn't even get my mind together to try to assess my options. So in order to try to weld both repellent parts together again and also to rest them I sat on the cold doorstep with my head in my hands. Not that it did much good but I thought I had no way out so I had to try to try to let the panic pass.

Well it passed within about 3 minutes. I didn't see it through but what I did see when I lifted my head was my wife coming up the street. Sweet relief. I wouldn't have thought she would have noticed the keys but she did and had come back with them. It was such a good feeling. I was so hyper and adrenaline filled that I walked her back over to her work just glad that I had a place to go again.

From my little fright we had a good day despite the exhaustiveness later that an adrenaline and tension cocktail produce but I can't help thinking to myself why the panic? Of course its habitual now. It kicks in before I am consciously aware and able to nip it in the bud. But really all I had to do in reality was walk to my wife's work, get reception to call her downstairs and collect the keys. But I couldn't because I was immobile before I knew it and my mind was whizzing faster than I could control. Physically frozen to the spot and mentally trying to jump on a merry-go-round which is moving so fast its a blur. A little part of me wonders though what would have happened if my wife hadn't noticed the keys and I had been left out there. Would I have sat freezing for two hours, would the panic have continued and/or would I have eventually gone to my wife's work? I guess I'll never know but part of me would like to know, the other part is afraid of what other outcomes may have occurred. I also know though that one day I am going to find out. Avoidance is a big part of anxiety problems but sometimes fate puts you in a scenario where your fear in unavoidable and you have no choice but to face it. Glad it wasn't today though and feel a tad guilty for saying that but its the truth. On the positive side as a result I walked further than I have walked in months. Every cloud and all that.