Gala

I have been challenging panic of late but without panicking too much or for too long. I've had two hard times of late. One was the breathlessness and then panic climbing up the stairs at Chatelherault which was a horrible experience. To a lesser extent I was consumed by panic at Palacerigg but it went within half an hour. The worst I think was at James Hamilton as that seemed to go on forever. What I have been telling myself, and my wife, is that it is important in these situations to stick it out- if I can. The CBT says its not an endurance test though. There is very little point being in panic to the point its not getting better and you are building more fear in an another area to be revisited later. But thankfully in all those 3 cases I cited what CBT has told me did actually happen. I had full blown panic, waited and after a time (varied in each case) it eased and I was then able to enjoy the rest of my time with little regard for fleeing before time. And this has been the case every time. As this has been the case it has made me more determined each time to see it through regardless of how hard it gets. Its still early days and its still going to happen. As much as my world is getting bigger it is still very small- far too small.

All of that meant nothing at all yesterday. It was the local gala day. A big thing here because its actually the first in years- a re-introduction. Not that it mattered in my case. If like most other towns and villages the gala had been running every year I would never have attended one in the past anyway- too far away. The gala day was at the David Livingstone centre. Its only a mile away but even a year ago that was too far for me despite my progress. In fact it was only in October last year that I managed to walk down there for the first time and back. That though to begin was a one off and even up until yesterday although I walked down there and back most school days I had never walked down and stayed down for any length of time. It was going to be difficult. We have all also been tainted with a bit of lurgy this week so even the prospect of going was not something I fancied if I am honest.

I thought the walk would be fine and it was until we got close to the gates. Although its summer it was unusually hot, the road was jammed with traffic and some people trying to find a a way to get it all moving. The paths were also jammed of people coming and going. And even my oldest daughter felt claustrophobic. That was when the panic started to rise.

It continued as we got in the gates and started to walk around the stalls and rides and all the rest. All the classic symptoms were boiling to the surface. It was like the Hollywood interpretation of fear where the heart pounds and the balance goes and vision blurs and the breathing gets more rapid. Everywhere I looked there were people and my thought was that I could not escape quickly and even if I could I had a mile  to get home in an already fatigued state and have another crowd to push through. I think I should have seen it coming. It was a bigger step than I thought it would be.

As a family we say on the grass like lots of other families. I was not hanging about contemplating. I looked about and to be honest I felt jealous and a little annoyed. I looked at all the happy faces and listened to the laughter. People just seemed so relaxed. Hundreds of people all enjoying themselves. And there was me sitting on the ground just wanting to shut my eyes and open them back home. I told my wife I was going. Already I had this post in my head about failure. I didn't care. My wife was disappointed. Of course she was. She wanted a family day out not another day taking the kids places alone- as a single mother. I wasn't enjoying myself- neither was she. She actually asked the kids if they wanted to just go home. I actually hoped they would say yes. The no vote won 2:1 with the boy outvoted by his sisters. So it was I would take the boy home with me and leave my wife with the girls.

It was a setback right? They happen. Too much too soon. Take a step back and try a smaller thing the next day. No need to feel bad. Does panic disorder make us selfish or were we already that way? There is no doubt leaving my wife to be the sole parent for a day out was selfish but it was truely torture. There was no way it was going to get better. There as no way I could feel anything other than torment. I had to go but I kept delaying my escape. Guilt kept me I suppose. It kept me longer and longer and the panic just seemed to get worse and worse.

I wonder if there is a breaking point. CBT says the body can only produce so much adrenaline and at some stage the panic has to die down. Is that was it was? Whatever it was I went from about 40 minutes of sheer hell to relative peace and normality. It just happened and in a moment not only did I not want to escape but I wanted to mingle. From there it was all fine. My wife took the oldest somewhere and I walked about with the other two. I watched the live band for a while who were good. There was a beer tent but I had no desire to have a beer. What I really needed was water. After I met up my wife again we went looking for bottled water and finally found some. It didn't matter that it was arm- I was just so dry. And to be honest I could have stayed there many hours more but it was my wife who finally called it a day after about 2 hours or more. So the five of us, my wife's friend and her daughter all headed home. 

I had the journey home planned. It was still lovely. We could go back through the woods. It would make for a lovely stroll. Wife though wanted to go back the way we came though to get the kids something to eat from the shop. Her idea had been to get them lunch at the gala day. The only hot food was cheeseburgers but by the time we located where they were being sold they were out of them. I was going to go on my own and meet them halfway up but I decided instead to just go with them. I walk that route enough.

As you can see above we ended up in a beer garden. Its actually the same pub as I went to on my own when I posted about drinking  in April. This time though it was outside. On a whim. I had decided not to have a beer at the gala day and would have avoided the pub had I gone back home through the woods. I felt now though a cold beer was a little reward but even that nearly never happened. After the first mouthful I started to feel panic and wanted to leave but again it finally died down. It as a good hour or so. Really enjoyable. The three adults chatted, the oldest listened and the other 3 kids ran about down the bottom of the garden burning off energy. I feel it was a big achievement today. That is probably the hardest time I have had and not only did I manage to stay with it but in total was out for 4 hours which is a long time for me.

Lastly the simple things. As we went home and left my wife's friend and her daughter along the way the kids stopped and played in the mud- literally. Of all the things today I think they enjoyed that most.

Palacerigg

We have been getting out and about to places we used to go and very occasionally places we have never been. These ones are harder because I don't know what to expect. Its different when its my suggestion as I usually look things up and go through them thoroughly and plan the journey. I prepare myself sometimes weeks in advance. I can think of only one time in this past decade where I go up not knowing I would be somewhere new later that day at my wife's suggestion. Somewhere far out of my comfort zone. That was the day we went to Dumpellier just 2 months ago and it was not without incident but went relatively OK as it was straight motorway there and back. This time was different.

Palacerigg country park is not somewhere I had even heard of when I woke up yesterday but but by late afternoon I was there. It was not going to be an easy time. I was very panicky and to be honest did not want to go out but felt I must. Mostly it was motorway but I still found it hard. It was nothing though comared to when we started on little roads that had only one way in and out and seemed to stretch on for miles- in my head. That is when I found it hard. That is the bit I found hardest when we went to New Lanark knowing there was no quick exit on to the motorway. This was no different. And like most people who are prone to panic I hide it well but when we got out the car I could tell by the look on my wife's face she knew and she said to me: we can go any time. That helps of course. But panic was such I could hardly get a breath. I knew I could not run and knew even if I had to sit down with my head in my hands for 20 minutes I would have to give it at least a chance to pass.

And it did pass. As bad as it felt at the time it passed. I looked at my phone. I had gone 1/10th of a mile and we had been there just over 20 minutes. By the time we left I had walked over 3 miles and 2 hours 30 minutes had passed. Don't get me wrong the panic kept flaring but mostly not as bad as the initial episode. It turned out to be quite an epic stay by my standards. I managed to train both my phone and my camera. Sadly my little brown camera which came back to life a few weeks ago died for the final time in a flurry over washed out overexposed images.

As I did not know what to expect at this country park but it turned out to be quite a joy. Lots of farm animals to see and a beautiful pond with ducks and the like. We even found a peacock which just appeared to be hanging about someone's driveway wild. I had no idea they were so big and made such a racket. It was a good day out. The kids really enjoyed it. I took lots of photos of course which kept me occupied at least.

After viewing all the animals we went on a walk and stumbled upon treetop walk. This was my second point of panic. It was a rather steep climb and that go me panicky but once I got over that it was fine even if the wooden planks below did not feel so secure. Also as I walked along I had no idea how long it went on for but thankfully it was rather short. The kid really enjoyed this part and would return several times.

My wife did that with the youngest two. The oldest prefers to go off on her own looking for wildlife and gets constantly annoyed by the noise from her two younger siblings. I went off with her to see if we could find any fallow deer but without success. What we did find though were some horses in a field and I think she preferred that.

We ended the day at McDonalds in East Kilbride sitting outside. It was a very long day and it again is going to make me feel even more fatigued this week. Its not just the mental and physical sde of pushing myself out though but the lack of sleep. I have too many things still on my mind to sleep soundly and the sun comes through our curtains too early illuminating the room. As I am an insomniac I am getting very little sleep which is making it harder than it should be but I will catch up on that at some point.

But today though was good. We all enjoyed it and I view it as another little step forward on that road to recovery. In all we were out over 4 hours today which I think is a first for me. Its been a year of doing things for the first time in a long time and that is the only way I will get to where I want to be. And that is what I am doing. Not trying to do but actually doing. Every time I do something like this I feel myself getting very close to that point where it all falls into place.

Being there

I cannot remember a year go so quickly as this one has so far. Its difficult for me to get my head around the fact we are into June. The schools finish up next week and the long summer begins. There are things on the horizon keeping me from looking too far forward into the year. Lots of positives but never all positive. Its not supposed to be easy I suppose and when its all passed I will be stronger for it, I am told.

I look at my kids and wonder where the time has gone. This is a product I am sure of getting to the school more now. For many years none of this was part of my life. For years my wife took the kids to school, picked them up and done all the things in between- the shows, parents night and all the rest. Now I am there to an extent and part of it and I see how much I have missed. Now I am taking the kids to school every day and going with my wife to pick them up and inbetween I am doing things.

Friday was something else at the school. Two hours in fact for the summer fete. I have to be honest and say I had no intention of staying that long because I felt shattered. I am though getting ahead of myself. It turned out to be quite a normal day. I like those. Maybe not so much at the time but afterwards I feel a little sense of achievement. Last week had been a long week and on Monday I felt shattered- expected it. Tuesday was my oldest daughter 12th birthday and on Thursday my wife and I decided to do something a little different.

Rather than walk to the school to pick up the kids we took the car to the David Livingstone centre and spent about half an hour there in the sun. We then walked from there to the school and picked up the kids and then walked them back to the centre again. Along the way see stopped at a shop and my wife bought them ice creams. Then when we returned there the kids had an hour or so to run about mad. They loved it. It sounds simple but the norm is to come home and that is us indoors even in hot weather. We don't have much of a garden, have no fence and its a bit of a thoroughfare so there is nothing appealing about it. But here the kids had a free run and did not have to worry about cars. It was so relaxing. And certainly something we will do agian.

It meant though yesterday I felt really tired and so tired in fact that althogh I took the kids to school I made it as short as possible. Of late I have been doing a 2 mile route through woodland but all I wanted to do was get it over with and get home. My wife had run me a bath before she left for work. I should point out that is not laziness on my part. Some time ago the hot tap on our bath stopped working. We got new ones but it proved impossible to fit. My wife has refused to pay for a plumber and somehow manages to get it to work and is the only one able to do so. That is why. So when I came home I had a long soak and then unusually for me I slept for half an hour on the couch. It may have been the wisest thing I have done of late.

So later as always a walk up to the school to get the kids with my wife, shopping and then finally home and as its Friday there is no homework. This was the day of the school fete but school finished at 15:00 and that is not until 18:00 so 3 hours to kill. I had never been to one before and usually would spend all that time mentally preparing for it but instead I took the youngest two down the park. The day before at the David Livingston centre my wife wife had bought frisbee and they had nowhere to throw it in that limbo time of boredom so I took them down there. How things changed. There was a time I could not even go near the park. There was one time my wife took a photo of my halfway down the park as proof I had been there and as soon as it was taken I scampered home while she stayed with our son in the play park. This was me though taking the kids out on my own and letting them play rather than the usual of letting them outside the door or over the road in a car park. Changed days.

But tiring. So bloody fatigued. It is not one thing. Its an accumulation of things. Last week was a long mentally tiring week and this week has gone the same way. In fact every week now is going the same way because it needs to. I have found cofidence to push on and stay out and while I have it I want to make the most of it. And the fatigue is something that I am not entirely sure of. Sometimes its so heavy that I get agitated to the point of panic and then shortly after I have a second wind from nowhere. Is it a state of mind? I really don't now but it feels real at least. The days though when I would use that as an excuse for not going out are by me now. It is imperative now more than ever to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone which is anywhere I feel uncomfortable going.

Because the fatigue was so heavy though I was having second thoughts about the school fete. The thought of walking up to the school for a third time, staying there for a period and then walking home was unappealing. At the same time I felt the need to go. Thankfully my wife agreed to drive and although I was happy at that I did not know just how happy I would be given what was to follow shortly after. It did not take long for panic to strike. We arrived about 5 minutes early and joined a queue which was just inside the front door of school 20 minutes later I was still standing there with the same people in front of my and about 40 or so new people behind me. Trapped. Panic was certain and I had to accept that. There was no way I was not going to panic just like last week trying to get out the church. It was important I stayed with it and I did but I also have to say it did not  ease and I don't know how much more I could have taken. It only came down when finally we were allowed in and things started moving.

It took about 20 minutes to go around everything and once I had I was bored to be honest. There was still 90 minute to run. I just couldn't see it. I told my wife and she said I would be as well going. And so that was what I was going to do until I realised how selfish that was. Whenever I have been driven away from anywhere in the past it has been because of panic. I had got through the panic and now was allowing boredom to drive me home. More importantly though I was leaving my wife to look after the kids and she was no less bored than me. So I stayed. And once I accepted that I was a little less bored. Somehow the timed passed and the raffles were drawn and finally we were on our way home.

Something else to tick off the list and just in time given my oldest has less that two weeks of primary school left. Time has just disappeared too fast. I feel like I am jumping on a moving roundabout and trying to adjust to the pace. Slowly though I am. I think after the summer holidays are over I will either be over the finish line or never getting there. Its not that I am putting a time limit on it but so many things are now coming to a head that I have put off for so long and now cannot avoid. Its not something I am looking forward to but these are things I can no longer hide from.

Long Weekend

It has been a long weekend but a good one. The weekend is usually a quiet affair where we all chill for a bit before the start of the new week. Not this weekend though and for me it all started on  Friday. Or maybe it continued into Friday and then weekend given I had gone to the school sports day on Thursday.

On Friday I decided to go deeper into woodland than I had ever been to see something for myself. The photo above was taken back in may and included in a post named "Adventuring". In that post for the first time I made my way down from this spot to the viaduct which can be seen in the background- one pillar at least. I did make it down there two months ago but could not actually see the pillars clearly due to vegetation and I was so knackered and anxious by then I had no wish to climb down to water level. Besides that my only escape as opposed to heading back was a private field. I see this scene at least 2 or 3 times a week and three or four weeks after this photo I thought something looked odd. On inspection I could not see the pillar anymore but was not sure if it was just obscured by growing vegetation. I let it go but shortly after that I read online that it had actually collapsed and so decided I would one day go down and have a look.

That day was Friday as illustrated above. It would appear the pillar had collapsed onto my side of the bank and I was actually able to stand on those big stones. The base is still jutting out the water. Its really strange though how this has happened. This is the Craighead viaduct. Some of the pillars at the Greenhall viaduct I visited in November are in water and they are so wide its hard to believe they could just crumble like that. I went, I saw, I took the photo and all that was left was to panic. And panic I did. But I did not feel. I have been telling myself this is going to keep happening and its OK because I am not reacting to it. I am not being driven away quickly by it. I took my time and instead of doubling back I went through a private field. This was significant. It meant the route was a circuit. About two years ago I sat down at google maps and devised a number of different walks I wanted to do. They ranged from the possible to the impossible. This circuit was not just one of them but the last one. Walks I thought I would never be able to do I had done entirely and now seems like a good time to make a new list and again make them look impossible.

It had therefore been  very good week. The anxiety from sports day and the fatigue from all the walking had me feeling shattered when I got up on Saturday. Normally it would not bother me that the wind and rain outside looked uninviting because ususally on  Saturday I would have no need to go out. In the afternoon though I found myself regretting my new found enthusiasm and willingness to agree. I had agreed to go to the village fete. Not only was I shattered but I had in my head stalls outside and the freedom to escape when I wanted and walk home. That was there but first I had to go into church with my family and then had to go upstairs and finally stand for 10 minutes while a ceremony took place. Guest of honour was X-Factor contestant Nicholas McDonald who my oldest adores and with her sister would later get photos taken with. For me it was again panic at this point but I allowed it to be and then finally it died down as we were leaving. That was until we found ourselves at the top of stairs  and nothing moving. It seemed to go on forever and I could feel the adrenaline pumping. That really was difficult to accept. I seemed to be too close to the people in front and could feel people pushing into the back of me and as  I looked it was just people standing on the stairs, coming from the side of the stairs, all the way along the corridor where stalls had been placed made the space for movement even tighter. It died down and finally I was out.

It was a shame for the organisers. The weather was shocking and we did well to stay as long as we did which was about an hour and a half. When it came time to leave I decided to walk home despite the weather. I had never walked as far as the old parish church so it seemed to me a good idea to walk it home and let myself know it could be done. So that is what I did.

Sunday started when I opened the curtains in the living room after getting up to find my inlaws car outside waiting. My inlaws stayed for most of the day and in between that my dad also visited. It is easy to forget how bad things used to be when even a flying visit was an ordeal. Its very easy to forgot when a problem returns to normality how it was before. All this was good enough but the highlight from an exposure point of view was dinner at a restuarant with the family and in-laws. As luck would have it I also had a sore throat so ate nothing which was a real pity because the food looked lovely. It was though more about being there. It wasn't just the throat but also some sore teeth. To be honest I have had nothing but problems since I stopped smoking in March but at least I have stopped and hopefully these problems will iron themselves out in time.

The meal was filled with panic but by the end I was fine. When the food was all done and the kids were ordering ice cream I had no urge to flee. I knew I could relax a bit. It was though a long day, a long weekend and to be honest a long week. Its now Monday and already I have had  long walk but must take it easier this week before I burn myself out again. Things all heading though in the right direction.

Contemplation

There is a point with panic and its all about that point. I don't mean a "poke you in the eye" point or a position as such but an instance everything hangs on. And its so simple. A situation is followed by a thought and that is followed by a reaction. The thought is an evaluation of the situation and then follows the reaction. Every great leader is backed by a great advisor- or team of them. The difference between the person with anxiety disorder and the person without is that advisor(s). And this is the conclusion I came to today as I walked and walked and walked some more. I had a route in mind. I had never done it before. I knew I would find it hard. I knew at the middle I would panic and fear I would not be able to make it home and so panic more. I knew this. And stupidly I tried to push through it.

Its not about pushing through it. Its not about trying to ignore it and rush quickly to the end. That is like being in a building with fire alarming blaring and people running about hysterically and turning around to say "Anyway, as I was saying..." calmly. Its a lie and we know we are lying and we can only remain unconvinced to ourselves for so long holding back the big wave of fear before finally it crashes in. And it hits us hard because we had been relying on not having to be hit by it full on. That is the problem. I think back to Dr Claire Weekes and her insistence nearly half a century ago now that recovery lay not in stopping panic but in not caring whether we do panic. This all hit me at that point I had been at so many times.

I was a mile from home and still walking away from home knowing the route I was taking was not going to take me straight back and instead I must reach a road over the dual carriageway and cross before heading back. I knew also there was no point where I could just sit down and phone a lift home. I knew if I kept going I was on my own. I stopped and it was that point. The point where I either turned back or risked pushing on. That was the situation and my evaluation? As advisor I hoped there was Russell Crow in Gladiator standing in the Colosseum making his grand speech. I hoped to have Leonidas fill me with Spartan courage to go on. I knew better than that. I got what I always get. I remember reading "The Face" and in it was an article by the actor Nicholas Cage. A sort of mini diary of a Kerouac style road trip. And in he said how he kept telling himself "I am a Panther". It gave him strength. And some of that would do- yes. But no. As always I got Peter Griffin running from his prostate exam. That is my Spartacus moment.

Normally that would be enough to send me back. That and the fact I was starting to feel really fatigued and breathless. I was thinking I needed to go back. I was thinking by the time I got half way I would not have the air or the energy to get back home. Despite all this I said: fuck it! I am doing it. I cannot keep running away. I am sure I will again but not today. And so I went. It was not the first time. I had done it the day before when I walked down to Bothwell Bridge for the first time. It was a walk I never thought I would ever be able to do. Even though I have been improving rapidly even a few weeks ago I would not have thought it possible to do this on foot. A year ago I went there with my wife but had to drive to it by car. Yesterday I walked there for the first time. Today I walked there from a much longer route. It was not though the getting there or the distance or the time it took. The thing I found most empowering was refusing to listen to the alarm bells. The thing that gave me strength was that while in my head I was screaming naked through a building at top speed with alarm bells ringing there there as a bigger part of me standing tall and saying "Anyway, where was I? Lets move on.."

I got there. I got there and I took some time sitting about down there- despite the rain and wet seats. And when I was ready to leave I went. That for me was achievement enough. Not just achievement though but like another brick cemented into my wall of confidence which this stupidity kicked, punched and took a sledge hammer to until there was nothing but ruin. Little flags planted are like little bricks cemented and I feel so much better for it.

Lastly it was the school sports day today. I have never been to one in my life. If I am honest I really could have done without it today- at the time. As good as it is to knock my pan in walking and walking with panic the fatigue gathers and I slow down to a near stop. All I wanted to do later in the afternoon was rest. I'd done my bit. But I remembered the look on the boy's face when she said "you could come." He wanted me there but it should not have needed that. I'd never been and it was my oldest girl's last one . How could I not go?

I agreed to go to show face but there was no way I was standing out in the playground for the best part of an hour. No way. I did though. It was not just that though. I had no fear at all. I felt panicky at times but did not once think about leaving. I stayed to the end and we all came home together. I could not be more pleased.

Plenty positive to be getting on with. There is always a balance though. These next couple months are the most important since I started this blog but I will get to them when I face them. This renewed strength is welcome but its still not going to be easy. I know without doubt though by the end of this year all will be revealed one way or another. There is a point where this can go on only so long. It cannot go one forever and something must give. Some of that is in our own hands and the rest not but soon  I will know. If nothing else I am in a much better place now to deal with it all than I have ever been since starting this blog 7 years ago.