094 Escapism

 

" Escapism "

In my periods away from painting, which is a form of Escapism in truth, I need to escape from the current reality of loose ends that lead to nowhere nice. I am burying my head in the sand not because I can't be bothered to deal with what must be dealt with but because I fear there is no solution to what lies ahead. But it cannot be evaded forever of course. At some point I need to peer over the top and face the inevitable because the clock keeps ticking down.

In the meantime I escape. I put headphones on and paint to block out what keeps running to the front of my mind. When I am not doing that I read, I watch TV and more recently I escape to an alternative reality which does not prevent me sleeping or wake me in that cold dark sweat of dread. I visit worlds wide open away from the enclosed small room with no doors or windows. I find my anxiety lowers for a period of time running around planets building bases to travel between, in a game. As much as I need to face what is coming in the next week I also need to escape in the time between to make sure I am not already drowning when the big wave comes. 

The biggest irony is that I have always lived in the belief of something my uncle told: we are great problem solvers. I didn't just take that at face value but looked at my life, my jobs and other aspects of my existence and that bore true. In some ways living by that mantra was enough to wing it at times but I guess you cannot do it forever. That said sometimes things seem worse than they are before exploring all avenues where solutions may lie hidden out of view. That may come yet. For now Ill keep treading water exploring different grounds where I know there is at least short term peace. 

Panic Buys

  

I hate to say I told you so but I told you so. Except I didn't need to say it. My wife and I had a debate of sorts two days ago concerning panic buys. My wife was of the opinion that a threat of lockdown would not lead to panic buys whereas I was convinced that is where it would lead. My wife's stance was the sane one. Why would it? This time around shops are well stocked. Lessons will have been learned: there is enough for everyone so no need to horde. Completely logical and how it should be in a sane respecting world. But that is not where we live. My point was that there were enough selfish people to start a chain reaction that would lead to panic buying again. There are enough people who only care for themselves regardless of whether it was the right thing to do. That is why last time there were people having to bin excess they bought and some who even had no regret doing it as long as they had enough.

Last night we were in Farmfoods and a guy came in with two young girls. He grabbed about 5 packs of toilet paper which must have held about 12 in each. His young girls grabbed an additional 1 each. Straight in and out. That was all. The start. 

Tonight we were in ASDA and went to the pasta aisle. All the cheap pasta was gone. Still some pasta left but nowhere near as much as usual. The toilet paper aisle was a similar story. We were able to get what we needed so no problems but the signs are there. Others will see that and it will spur them to stock up. This is how it starts. It's crazy. I really do hope lessons have been learned and stores limit multiple buys before this spirals again. 

093 Go West

 

" Go West "

In my bid to hit all the perimeters of my small town until I can get out of it for more than a few breaths I headed West tonight. There are about 8 or 9 routes out depending on whether you follow a road, a path, a track, a river, a stream or some other means-maybe there is an underground tunnel I don't know about. To my mind its the only route out West. For the entirety the road is named Glasgow Road and as you would expect it leads to the biggest city in Scotland, 10 miles away. That is 10 miles as the crow flies. I did walk almost that distance one day on this route and was in Rutherglen on thd outskirts. At one time the Clyde walkway would have taken me all the way there but that has been all but abandoned nowadays as a walk way.

It's been a long while since I've been out this way even by car. 6 months at least. And things have changed in places. One thing that struck me was the amount of work being done by people on their own properties-or completed work. Paint jobs, driveways, extensions and all sorts. The economy may be going to ruin but there seems to be a fair few not feeling the pinch yet. Outhouses in particular are popping up all over. A lot of the older houses in town and in the wider area in general have large gardens so there is room fir a home from home. Newer houses of course are lucky to get a few blades as builders look to squeeze in as many buildings into what little space is left to maximize profit. Lots of new homes have sprung up with more to come.

Anyway I got to where I wanted to go almost too easily. Around a mile from home was the goal and about 4/5ths of the way or more I suddenly shook myself from my blissful walk to question why it was so easy. I saw an end and had been ready to go beyond it but with that one thought I had to push to get to the end and once there it was a quick about turn with a quicker pace back. No hanging about with panic rising. I'd left town and was quickly back. I'd walked longer many times this month but one thought of doubt is all it takes. And here is the difference compared to a couple of years ago. These thoughts still came but I was more confident and could quickly diffuse them often enough that they came less regularly and with less impact. These walks are about building that confidence again. It took a long time before but it was worth it. I have to be patient again and in time it will come together again. 

092 September Weekend

 

" September weekend "

As September weekends go this has definitely been the quietest. Partial lockdown of course has played its part. My area in Scotland is one of those under more restrictions than the rest but in truth I haven't noticed any difference. I'm OK on that score. Not like the poor students told to return to halls of residence only to the be told to stay there. I can't imagine what that is like at that age. But I do know like them I'd have ignored the order and returned home long before they were told they could- that horse had bolted long ago.

This is a time when we have gone somewhere from the moment I could. 4 years ago I had me best holiday to date which I would love to repeat some day. Mostly though it's just been up north to the in-laws. That was the plan this time too for my wife and kids but the latest covid rulings meant they had to stay at home. It has dragged. I think the kids are actually looking forward to returning to school. These times are weighing on everyone mentally. One day I hope it will be a distant memory. As bad as they are there are probably much tougher times ahead for most as the economy shoots into free fall. These quiet boring days might turn out to be some of the better ones unless something turns in the right direction for us all soon. 

090 Anomolies

 

" Anomolies "

We tend to think nowadays if it's not on the Internet then not only does it not exist but it never existed. Sometimes though that is not the case, sometimes it is. One thing that did exist but no longer does is a post I spent an hour finger typing on my phone. That was fun!

Anyway I had this jingle in my head for years about a bee and a "Jubilee day". A song, an advert, a TV theme tune or something. Then I convinced myself it never happened because many fruitless Google searches bore no fruit. It never happened. Or did it? That was the question for a long time but now I have finally found solace in another question: does it matter?

That is the thing. When I was younger and I had a thought like that I quickly let it go. There was no way to know so no point contemplating. Now it's like a game, a puzzle. The answer has to be out there. We cannot let it go. We should, for our own sanity. 

The incident which led me here was my wife watching a short video on her phone. Not for the first time the question we both asked as a short piece of music played was: "What was that from?". And so begins the race to get to the answer first. Sone have taken minutes while others have taken days but usually we get there. One such one was an instrumental named "Nut Rocker". Most will know the tune. Quite why it was so important to know the title is lost to me now but its not easy to search for a piece of music in your head.

Anyway from this I have discovered there are anomolies. Strange ones at that. My wife as I said played a video, we recognised the music but could not recall from where. As she played I Shazamed. It came back with the track above with no picture listed as...

"Els Bandolers-La Recerca D'en Miquelet-Capitol Xxiv-Xxv (Explicit)"

From there is nothing. Not even the the original piece of music. I thought it would be easy. Play music, Shazam, note title, search and find association. Nothing. It really is one of many anomolies. And I can't let it go like I would have so easily years ago. I will keep pursuing it when I sleep and when I wake even though I know it doesn't matter. It further cements my belief that as great as technology is it has led us all to a very anxious state on the whole. 

089 Frost

 

" Frost "

The radio said Autumn was here but it feels very much like winter. According to the voice 3 days ago was the Autumn Equinox and what I didn't know was that it marked a day of almost equal daylight and none daylight hours. The name "equinox" apparently means equal night. Its the first I had heard of that but not sure why I hadn't thought of it before given I am well aware of the shortest and longest days.

But it does feel like winter in my part of the world. Its colder indoors than out. The shorts and tshirts are gone in favour of fleece and thermals. It's as good a reason as any to stay indoors regardless of being told to do so. It's a good reason alternatively to go for long walks to get the blood pumping followed by a bowl of steaming hot soup with crispy bread. Today though I have to confess I spent most of it under a blanket reading when I was not painting the Forth bridge in the bathroom. The first time in 3 weeks I have not ventured out on a walk but I'll allow myself that as I look to recharge for the weeks ahead where I will be looking to push on. 

088 Destiny

 

" Destiny "

The stone of Scone, the stone of destiny. It has such history for what is essentially just a lump of stone. It has been part of many royal coronations. It is rumoured to be the stone which Jacob rested his head to sleep and dream of his ladder to heaven. But its still a lump of stone. And that is probably why I didn't realise at the time I was beside it.

I was watching a documentary series last night covering many ancient things from all over the world covering Pakistan to Brazil and more. In this one part the voice over talked of the stone of destiny and the powers some believed it possessed. It got a train of thought going from coronations to hijinks theft and finally back to Scone Palace. It made me think about the Sunday in Perth 2 years ago when I got up and walked there alone. Did I see the stone? I could not remember. So I looked through old photos and thankfully found the one above. There it is- obliviously. I didn't note it. I was instead trying unsuccessfully to photograph the white peacock who was too white on a dull day to fit snuggly into the dynamic range.

Restricted

 

The need to put further lockdown restrictions in place is growing as quick as the restriction rate itself. Earlier in the week the UK government announced restaurants and pubs were to close at 10. Like the car following the car in front Scotland will no doubt do something similar tomorrow with enough of a variation to make it look like an original idea. To be honest I don't see that it will make too much of a difference. I mean if it was me wanting to go to either then going to these places before ten would not be an issue and if I had the infection I'd spread it just the same. Equally having just had a drive to push people into restaurants it seems wrong now to squeeze them again.

Personally I think this is the wrong move. I feel the best course of action now is forcing people to wear masks. There is an argument that should have happened from day one like some other countries but its easy to say now. Without doubt though when masks were introduced it should have been enforced. Even now all the signs about social distancing remain in shops and messages about cleaning hands still hang but I have not seen one sign concerning masks. 

Even tonight at the shops we had two woman pressed right up against the back of us at the checkout without masks. There is no deterant. And as so many are doing it there is little point in questioning them or you would be doing it constantly. People know they should be wearing masks. The fact so many know but are not doing it is where the real problem lies. Enforce this and there is no need to close down businesses early who are already paying a great cost in making their establishments safe. It makes no sense to me at all. 

086 Bothwell

 

" Bothwell "

I live in Blantyre which is surrounded by a number of different areas. There are big towns like Hamilton and East Kilbride as well as smaller areas like Burnbank, Halfway, Hallside, Newton, Cambuslang, Drumsagard and many others. On the whole the boundaries blur and this is probably why it took until today to realise I have not left my town this year. In fact looking back its well over a year since I was last out of Blantyre. Today when I realised that I decided I needed to change it even if it was only by feet or inches. To do so would be a psychological boost.

One clear border lies between Blantyre and Bothwell. It's clear because it is separated by a river, the Clyde, so no such ambiguity. There are only two routes in and out both by bridge. In West lies the David Livingston bridge and to the East is Bothwell Bridge. Crossing either would take me out of town for the first time in over a year so I took the former which is slightly closer and with some pushing got out of town. Its not flying across the globe but its a start in my world at least. It wasnt easy or in any way comfortable so I probably won't be rushing to do it again but hopefully in time it will become the norm again. The goal is to join both up as I used to do in a circuit so I may alternate that route to creep forward and join up at some stage hopefully. 

084 Coats

 

" Coats "

I'm beginning to regret the day I decided it would be a good idea to paint the bathroom. It's been a nightmare which doesn't look like finishing any time soon but now I've started I have to finish. Not that I don't enjoy the painting as I do. I'm more annoyed at my lack of knowledge on decorating and not looking into that first before steaming in.

The bathroom is becoming very like the cupboards in the kitchen. I stripped them down last year which took some doing as they were covered by sticky vinyl. I had to remove that, scrub them clean of all glue with warm soapy water and a scrubbing brush, paint them with primer and finally gloss them. It took a while but in the end it looked alright.

Or at least that was the case for a few days. Pretty soon though as people brushed past each other in our small kitchen paint came away. I was all set with small knobs I'd spray painted silver but decided against it such was the mess left. In the end I decided to ditch the work I'd done and look for sticky vinyl. The same is happening in the bathroom. It's too costly at the moment for primer so instead it's multiple coats which I don't mind but I'm not sure it will hold. I accidently scraped a part of the wall and it peeled. It will have to do for now. I'll finish painting it though the massive tub I bought is almost done with barely 2 of the 4 walls done. Longer term I'll have to look for a better solution. 

083 Secret Drinkers

 

" Secret drinkers"

On my walks through the woodlands and forests and fields and all else I stumble upon many urban creatures. Mainly squirrels but also many deer. Other creatures too scuttling and hiding in the background. One type I've not mentioned before though are the drinkers, especially the secret ones. There are many of these harmless souls who try to find a quiet secluded place to indulge their addiction in private until I come stumbling in. I tend not to linger. I have no need to.

At the opposite side of the spectrum are the carefree drinkers of which there are many frequenting the green belts strangely moving out of the limelight but without a worry about being seen there in. These types vary. Yesterday for example I passed a man and a woman sitting on a bench talking loudly with a bottle of Buckfast sat between basically on shoe like a trophy. I've seen a business man in his suit sit on his lunchbreak on a stone several times with a sandwich and what looks like a bottle of Martini or the like. I often pass a cyclist sitting out the way on some stairs playing a game on his tablet while drinking from a similar type of bottle. Never hidden. No care. 

But there are the other types too, the secret drinkers. Two regulars in particular. One is a postman who finishes around two and most days can be seen marching quickly from the supermarket to the woods with a bag in hand. I say hello and he sheepishly replied hiding his wares from my view but we both know it's there. There is great shame that saddens me do again I don't linger. He can't help himself and he is ashamed of it but can't stop. Similarly there is a retired gentleman who does the same. This is in my small area. Over the land there must be a horde of them. 

There are many differences between the secret drinker and the care free equivalent. One is loud and one us silent. One is eager to show while the other craves to hide. Mostly though it is the interaction I note. The secret drinker will always respond and is always sober in appearance. The other can be brash, ignorant and non-approachable. He, or she, has the glazey stare than never focuses. I tend to avoid these ones if I can. The woods has many creatures. 

081 Morning

 

" Morning "

Panic is at its worse when there is no escape and I am not alone. I have to be thankful that I've had an extended spell where that panic has been foreign but circumstances dictate it is no longer the case. Years ago when the panic attacks started and I became agoraphobic I started to dread mornings. I called it "time anxiety". My general background anxiety level would be high on waking but very gradually decrease over the waking day. It led to me doing walks and drives at night when I felt more calm. It also meant if I woke earlier than I expected too panic set in very quickly and I could not get back to sleep until it passed after a horrible time.

I had forgotten about all this until the past few years when the DWP intervened again, dread set in nightly, panic returned, agoraphobia grew and generally everything worsened. Those mornings started to haunt me again. Not all the time but enough where there was none before. Always a week day. I have been fortunate since the kids have returned to school after lockdown I hadn't had an episode until today.

It's hard to describe how horrible an experience it is. Writing about it from a place of calm I can't quite understand why it's so bad but in the moment it is. On a school day I get up, make a cuppa and take the dog out around 7:45. When I get back my wife has the kids up and is making breakfast. That is it. The same every time. Today though when I got in and sat down I was suddenly filled with morning panic out the blue. I needed to escape somewhere but couldn't. All rooms were either occupied or someone was coming and going. There was no solace outside. And this continual loop kept driving panic higher and higher. I longed to be alone to roll up in a ball. I prayed for it to pass. It was like my mind was spinning around and around and each sound was too loud and each movement too quick. It was like looking into madness, it's a very scary place. At some point it stopped. How long I can't remember. I was just glad it was over but the fear will now be there tomorrow and Monday and so on.

These episodes are horrible when unscheduled. This is why I am extremely reluctant to plan them. That is why I don't want a medical or to sit somewhere I cannot escape from. It's bad enough when it's outwith my control. Why would I want to voluntarily put myself into that dark space. I did it when going to the job centre in the hope that repetition would ease it but it made it worse. I learned that lesson so will not need to be taught it again. It's frustrating to be back in this place again but I have to accept it and just keep doing what I am doing. With patience I'll hopefully get on top of these again. Equally though it is in pushing myself out of my comfort zone that I invite these things but it's all part of the recovery process. 

080 Woodland

 

" Woodland "

It has be A break from the monotonous routine of solo walks tonight. It was a nice change for me and my wife to walk the dog in the woods as its not happened for a little while now. He won't do it with me alone unfortunately or I'd have him out more often. He seems to need the confidence two people give otherwise he just keeps stopping and looking behind him which gets frustrating.

I can't do it too often though as walks are too slow and too short for what I am trying to do. Also it brings a different aspect to agoraphobia. Mainly alone I can leave when I want whereas when I am not that trapped feeling increases. I think about leaving more and contemplate that disappointment I'd cause by ending the walk early. Additionally the dog's ways doesn't always allow for a straight forward road home. But it's good to break it up now and again.

The second

  

A second wave and subsequent lockdown looks more likely than not. I get the feeling this was the plan for some time but to avoid anger we have been drip fed what was really always inevitable. Maybe I am wrong, I hope I am. Bit by bit the land is given excuse to tighten the rules until soon it is nationwide without us realising it and without that major headline that would impact we're it done overnight. Its coming. If it does though will if end there.

It's the strangest of times. I can't imagine how this is for a young person. Nothing can go forward. It's like we are collectively sat with our wheels spinning in the mud. I can feel the frustration of those who just want to get back to normal and I feel the fear of those scared of what lies ahead in this continual uncertainty. I can't see anything getting resolved any time soon. 

The picture was painted by my daughter during lockdown for her art assignment. It's weird because there is nothing startling about it now. At the time though it looked like this would be over quickly and masks were not in use. Changed times. 

079 Patience

 

" Patience "

It has been a mental and physical battle just to replicate where I was a week or so ago. Sometimes success, sometimes failure but either way never with the ease of before. So when like today I push myself to a point I am in a bigger hurry to get away. I hate the return. The walking away is the hardest part. If I never had to turn around I think I could keep walking but I do. It's the return which brings all the doubt. It's the second leg where the finish must be faces with distance and time against me.

And so it was tonight. I got to the old Ludo and it was enough to step there without lingering physically or bathing mentally in those past images from yester year imagining all those happy people down there. More poignant today because it was so warm it felt like summer. No time for that though. I was on my way practically before I'd arrived. That was until something made me stop. The old iron gates. One time people would have waiting in a crowd or a queue for someone to open them. Now they are old and rusted and forever open. The locks are worn where once they were new. They would have clunked as the big metal key turned while held breaths exhaled in anticipation. They were guardians but now they sleep, abandoned. I was so drawn to them and this new narrative that I got out my phone to take pics. The gates had character if nothing else. 

I'd take photos within and so took some out and as I did so became aware of a spider. Something new to photograph. With my camera a breeze in macro mode but now I have to rely on my phone. I nearly gave up. I just could not focus and anxiety kept building. But I kept at it and the anxiety subsided. Finally the camera on my phone focused as I did which in itself is a pretty spectacular thing we probably all take for granted. It just needed patience. Anxiety needs patience too. It needs to be accepted and accommodated without being the major player. It needs to be without giving it too much credit for existence. It needs to coexist rather than dominate and sometimes that can happen naturally when nature takes over. 

078 Bubbles

 

" Bubbles "

I've painted almost all the interior with no problem at all. Comments have been good. It got me wondering why painting and decorating was seen as skilled labour. And for a 1001 reasons I am of course very ignorant on that score. A professional is very much skilled. Lesson 1 for me started this week: what to do when it doesn't go to plan? Thus far it was plain sailing and arrogantly I just expected that to be the norm.

The one room I have been putting off is the bathroom for many reasons. It was a state and full of clutter. Not a chance I was touching it. But then the oldest wanted someone over which is a post for another day. As a result she not only gutted out her room but did the same with the bathroom leaving it spotless. Credit to her. It takes an eternity and much patience to get her to do something but when she does it is a thorough job bordering on too much perfection some time. I saw this as my chance to paint at long last. It's a drab 80s looking aqua in there. I felt it needed painted brilliant white. Mostly this was down to having no window in there so it makes sense to try to brighten it up.

That was the plan at least. I worked one area and after 3 coats it was obvious the paint was not taking. After much thought I remembered I had primer somewhere, found it and applied it. Not much better. 5 coats now but stains and marks still showing through under visible strokes now and bubbles. Just looks awful. I left it for a bit to think and research. After some pondering I got some sand paper tonight and with trying working out the bubbles tomorrow. That won't fix it short term but I am hoping that after that and another 5 coats it might at least be an improvement. That is the plan anyway. It appears the problem is down to moisture and as this this the area where most of that is present if I can master that the rest will be a doddle. If nothing else it will give me something to do. 

077 Rats Tale

 

" Rats Tale "

Thankfully I don't have a pic to go with this so the above will have to do. Not sure it comes anywhere near representing a rat. The idea was a way inside from outside I suppose. Not the best I know. At the shops I looked for a toy without success and then looked in other places with equal lack of success. I even came close to photographing my daughter's hamsters hoping if I got the angle right and edited a little I could get away with it. And last of all as the kids had spaghetti for dinner I did consider using a strand in some way to represent a rat's tail. Again though, this will do.

Anyway the reason for all this is recent local news about an upturn in sightings of rats. It's not the first time I have heard about people having bother with them but it is a fairly recent thing. What caught my attention this time though is that the recent story took place at the top of my street. Far too close. It bothers me. I was brought up in a new town so the concept of rat problems is foreign to me. A lot of people are blaming the council's lack of urgency to cut the long grass and the reduction in refuse pick ups as a reason. Its not good either way. Someone took a photo of them on bins during the day. The fear is that no movement as yet has been made by the council so this probkem is likely to get worse. It certainly is a new normal for me this.

We are fine. We live above someone so it's unlikely it will be a problem for us. But I do feel fir those around and a little shocked to read more and more people finding them in their area. I actually found a dead one 6 weeks ago on the street. It's a problem that is going to get worse if the council's lack of urgency is anything to go buy. I've never actually experienced anything like it thankfully. A second lockdown, which is looking ever more likely, would esculate this even further which is unthinkable. 

The Dandy

 

I don't want to make every post about walking but as I've only started getting out again in the last 2 weeks and it's been eventful of late I'll stick with it until there is nothing left to say. I may have to have a rest day though because in the past few days I have really been struggling physically and that invariably causes more anxiety the further I go. Tomorrow I might skip a day if its still a struggle. Then again sometimes when I accept that I get a second wind and back ready to push on again so if that is the case I won't pass it up.

The pic above is from a path named locally as "the Dandy". It apparently relates to the the past layout of the area where at one end the plebs like me resided and following this path led to the big expensive houses where the dandies lived. To the left are council houses and to the right is a big private house which was once a convent hence the high walls. The path actually doubles as a road here as ahead are new builds which a man stopped to tell me one day his daughter lived in and gave 5 rooms, private garage, etc. No road out though apparently which does not surprise me given house builders dont make money providing conveniences like that.

Anyway I am going off track here. I felt really exhausted today and did not want to go out. I pushed out but decided to forget my routes and go elsewhere close at hand. That brought me here. I've not been here in a long time but even as I got here I was already very anxious. I was uncomfortable. That was not the best time to go into somewhere basically enclosed. Panic. The worse so far. Shallow rapid breaths. Weak shaky limbs. Brain spinning like a top. Eyes blurry. Balance all over the place. It felt too far to push on but not to meant doubling back and adding to my journey. That said though adding to my journey also meant getting back to familiar territory quicker. In my mind that was more important. The voice was telling me to do it but I knew also turning back would be my first set back. I pushed on and eventually the anxiety eased. I should also point out when this happens I am suddenly not tired, exhausted, breathless and all the rest. Like I said yesterday though the deepest groove here was the panic not the recovery after.

It shows how much familiarity counts in these early days. Of course you can only do that by visiting places. That is OK. Its just important to see that and work with it. In this case if its going to cause anxiety then do it in stages until confidence increases and then repeat. It's not like that forever though. Just these early days. It is about confidence. Last time just a few years ago I got to a stage where I was fully confident in going anywhere. That needed small cautious steps like this first. I just need to be wise and patient then in time I'll get it back. 

075 Grooves

 

, 

" Grooves "

I returned today to where the panic flared yesterday only for it to be gone. Sort of. Its imprint is left. I had no panic like before yesterday but unlike before then the vague threat lingers. It's a question posed now that was not there before. A doubt. A groove carved into the surface of the scene that will forever blemish it and cannot be ignored. Like an almost perfect picture spoiled only by a small mark but that minor infringement becomes all you can see. Each flares are grooves blotting the pristine.

Each level of anxiety can be measured on a scale and that scale can equally represent the depth of the groove it leaves. You can visit a place anxiety free and it leaves no trace. Just that one glare and that marks remains for a time to come. You cannot wipe it away. No amount of revisits will make it fade. Only time can remove it. 

I can see one incident is going to throw me each time I visit a place anxiety was high.i can't change that. What is important is to tread carefully now so as not to add more grooves. 

074 The path is never simple

 

" The path is never simple "

Just as things seemed to be going forward far too easily I was given a reminder that the path is never simple. Walking my main route has been anxiety free but this time I had a load of negative yarns to try to ignore along the way. That was part of the problem. The other part is a physical exhaustion and trying to mentally deal with that. This is down to increased exercise but also the recent leap in panic and general anxiety at home. It's draining. I thought I could push through it and even though I was getting more and more anxious I kept heading further from home relying on the numbers. I done well, almost as far as I've been. On the way back though panic started flaring badly. I was able to lower it which is something I could not do years ago but that process was almost continual.

It's hard to describe the fear in those moments. I really should use a dicta phone app to describe it because later it's harder to recall amid the great relief of no longer being there. Most people's idea of panic comes from the most common symptom relating to the heart and rightly this is how it is portrayed in TV and film. My panic though is more like losing it completely and being tipped into a black pit of madness where I am spinning and falling at speed with no end. And fighting that tipping point from high anxiety to full blown panic is like sliding ever closer to that edge while trying not to look. It is 100% mental thought and imagery that induces physically uncomfortable reactions. It is why when people want me to put myself in that state for their own ends I wish I could let them enter that portal for a time to experience it. 

In the real world I am walking home but already the breathing is shallow and rapid. More so since the journey home always seems to be uphill. Will I stop to allow the physical symptoms of effort to ease but then try to deal with the growing mental anguish not getting home brings? I push on. Pushing leads to breathing being more laboured. Tension makes the bones ache and the muscles tires and sore. All the while where all recent walks here have had a monotonous internal monologue over every day things it is now replaced with screeching wailing sirens too deafening to ignore. I check my phone. Not far to go. Keep pushing, keep avoiding looking into the abyss and try to relax the stomach allowing natural breaths. Eventually I'll get through it. Sometimes unscathed to varying degrees. Up until tonight I have been on top of it. Tonight was a concerning reminder that I'm not going to get an easy ride. Its concerning because this flare up is caused by very recent events that I have no control over just like last time so it doesn't matter what I do. I can only hope there is some good news on that front in recent weeks to allow me to focus solely on getting back on track. 

073 Calm

 

" Calm "

It would appear its not just the sea which calms me but rivers too. I stood today on a bridge over the river Clyde calm on high just watching the river flow. The journey from home to this point has been one of growing anxiety and when I arrived it was only just to touch base quickly to lay a marker and revisit for longer another day. High anxiety on arrival, calm shortly after. A good sign. It's like a grounding.

It's not the most scenic for sure the Blantyre Weir but enough to draw the some people to the bridge. Without a coastline so far in land rivers tend to be the draw. Usually not many but for some reason today there were a lot of bodies. It felt serene and also communal in some way. It was nice.

It's nice to find a place of calm, a place where the dark clouds don't follow. It's what I missed for years whem my world was a lot smaller. For this I am thankful.

Time Shift

  

Bothwell Bridge is a local landmark I have captured many times. It's not anything spectacular. It is though something a little different nearby. It's quiet-is and a little severe e. It's peaceful mostly. The arera was, and maybe still is, known as the Lido. It used to be a lot bigger before an expressway cut a large chunk out of it. There used to be gardens and flowers. People used up paddle knee deep. Whenever I am down here M uh mind goes back to those old photos I have seen of lots of happy families down here despite always being here alone. It's strange in a way.

Anyway I did not expect yo be here today and certainly not any time soon. I had a walk 2 days ago where I went way further than expected but still a long way off here. I had no time limit on getting here but at the earliest I thought October. I got near expecting fear to kick in, breathing to labour and all the usual stuff but nothing, just normality. I got to the top of the steps. Just a photo. Could not get a clear view. More steps. I was at the bottom. Might as well walk along a bit. All good. Then suddenly a strange feeling.

I looked at some benches. One time they were broken by vandals. Later a community group installed new ones. I remember seeing them for the first time. Impressed. They were still intact. But then this strange feeling: I'd been here recently. I remembered it clearly. If was like deja vu. I'd been here in the past few weeks. Yet I knew it was impossible. It had to be at least 6 months. But as I stood there I was more and more convinced it was days rather than months. Then another weird thing. A question: Am I still agoraphobic? Wow! What was happening. I felt no anxiety. I felt I could push on further. When did I last have to turn back? I could not remember. I sat for a bit watching the river glow, calm.

It was only when I left to head home that things changed. Doubt crept in. Of course I was still agoraphobic. Breathing started labouring. My legs went weak and heavy. My vision started to blur. I began regretting coming so far and all those panic episodes were recalled with it. For a few moments I was in danger of being swamped again. Thankfully though if passed and I g it home gone. I think what has happened there is that because the dog won't go far and the restrictions of lockdown I have not gone far enough this year to panic. That helps but not long term. It was like when I managed to get to Girvan in before lockdown where I was OK until I had to face the road back. 

I'm not sure why I became convinced I'd been there lately. My phone app for walks and my phone's gallery both prove I have not been down there in the last year. I don't know if it's because in the past 5 years I have been there so often or I dreamt it but it felt real. And there was some strange comfort in that. 

072 DWP

 

" DWP "

My anxiety problems mean I cannot work a normal job and that has been the case for many years now. Mostly that is down to agoraphobia but not totally. I can't look for work over 2 miles walk nor via public transport even if I wanted to. But there are places near at hand. A big supermarket for example on my doorstep. I would have no problem in principle working there. Then there is the other aspect, that trapped anxiety. That claustrophobia almost in any place I can't leave of my own will. That is what prevents me. There was a part of me that thought maybe if I had a job and had to keep going it would pass on time. My times at the job centre proved that is not the way of it. Put simply I cannot work a normal job. Its not through choice. If someone offered me minimum wage tomorrow to work from home I'd jump at it regardless of the work. That work is either not there or I just cannot find it.

With my wife's wage we have come to rely heavily on benefits. Firstly there was my own. In 2018 I had to do without my benefit while it was contested. That was hard. All my great progress was lost in a couple of months. I went from getting ever closer to being able to work to being as far away as ever. I can't see how this was a win for anyone. Anyway in December I won my case for a second time after a year contesting it. A few weeks later I received my second last payment as once again the DWP summoned me for a medical. I got no payment from January 2019 to June 2019 then a big bumper payment with no communication as to why. And that is the last time I was paid any benefit.

We have had to get by as best as we could on the year and a bit since. The truth is that experience fried my brain so much I could not contest it any longer. I'll go into it in more detail at some point but needless to say it done a lot of damage I am still trying to repair now. Without my income it has been down to my wife's wage, child benefit and working tax credit. That was until a few weeks ago. My oldest daughter left school last year so my wife notified the DWP as that meant no more benefit for her. All good. Except a few weeks ago they then told us we had not notified them, they had overpaid us and as a result they wanted the money back. Its not the first time we have had to pay for their mistake. It's the third time. But if in the end its the right call then I don't have an issue with it. What I do have an issue with though is that of the money they pay us they now want to hold back 75% of it to get the whole amount back quickly. Its something we are going to really struggle with but they are unmoving. Even in this period they are unrelenting and uncaring.

I'm hoping we can get something sorted on this as my wife is going to contact citizens advice. As I said we have no problem paying what we owe but it would have been nice to do it in an affordable way. 

This is not the life I envisioned when I started a family. At that time I worked as I mostly had and never saw that changing. It's difficult to be saddled with these financial problems and be unable to do something about it. Its more frustrating when I know if I had been allowed to I would possibly have been looking for work now. But having my only income removed seriously set me back mentally. Lying in bed awake unable to sleep because of dread was draining and waking in that same state was just as bad. Just as I seem to have cleared my head and started to get back on track the DWP appear again. It's so frustrating. 

Anyway I had to get that rant out my system. There are other people with bigger problems than ours. We'll find a way through it. Other people won't. Some people have problems without solutions. Once the anger clears I think it will give me more resolve to push on. If I can quieten the dread then in that clarity I might find solutions. The walks are helping do that to some degree as a tired mind worries less. I just wish the DWP would talk with people to help them back into work rather than down to them with no care whether they work but only that they stop claiming. It's not going to happen though because too many people are cheating the system unfortunately. 

071 Livingstone

 

" Livingstone "

Walks continue as I head off in different directions testing my boundaries after lockdown. Today I went down to the David Livingstone for the first time in a while. We got told at the weekend one of the dogs I looked after died. I was going to make a post but all the photos I have of any clarity are on the dead laptop. Anyway the last time I was down here was with him and my wife. That is not why I chose to go down, just coincidence. I can't remember exactly when that was but defitely over a year ago. It's been a while so it felt really giid to get there without too much trouble. But like that last time I was not calm enough to enjoy it or stick around long.

Not that there is much to see. I used to find it peaceful down here but at the moment it's undergoing expensive lottery funded renovation which is taking a while. Its looking very rundown and most of the area is off limits. Hopefully it will be worth it when it's finally done. 

I'm happy with how things are going on the getting out front. In truth my agoraphobic bubble is much wider than I expected which is a real positive. Next step is to start making that bubble bigger. I'm actually a little excited by that. When the bubble is small it's a lot of anxiety and unhappiness pushing with little reward. The bigger the bubble the more there is to see and do and the more enjoyable it becomes. I am so happy that after expecting to have to spend months in that bad stuff I have instead skipped on to the next better stage. For that I am very thankful. 

070 R+

 

" R+ "

It was expected for sure. With the easing of lockdown some increase in the fabled "R" number was always going to happen. The increase rate though seems to have caught out those in power though. Its growing fast. Is a second wave on its way? Mortality rates at the moment are thankfully much smaller than when the outbreak started but that is no cause to relax. It appears that this is because the spread is mainly among the younger group. But this younger group invariably come into contact with older and more vulnerable people. This is my concern. Contact and trace is not going to halt the seriousness of those cases as it starts to spread quicker. It is a worrying time I feel.

Not for everyone though it would appear. There are those who think it's not as bad as the government are making out. The lack of deaths in comparison with the start of the year is I feel a factor in why more and more people are losing fear despite the rate of positive cases indicating otherwise. I stood outside a store yesterday I had not been in since before lockdown and was going to go in but didn't as I had forgotten my face mask. I stood for a moment outside, looked back several times as I went by on a walk and did the same in the way back. In total I think I saw 10 parties of 1 or more going in or out and of those only 1 had a mask. I could have gone in too but that is how it starts. You then don't bother next time and other people look and then do the same. The fear factor is all but gone for the majority. 

My concern is that a second wave could hit just as hard as the first. I remember well how before lockdown no one really took it seriously despite the growing number of cases. We are back there again. I remember noting the daily deaths in Scotland were single figures for what seemed a long time then suddenly double figures and beyond in a short space of time. I really font think the majority of society has learned from that given some of the scenes of protests, no social distance in restaurants, crowded pubs, Inter mingling of households and so many other worrying signs. Some establishments appear not to be following protocol at varied degrees. I'm not even sure contact and trace is working to the level it's needed to. Unfortunately it's going to take a big scare to wake people up again to the danger. I pray that day doesn't come even though the signs are that it's not far off. 

069 In a field

 

" In a field "

I am stalling a bit I should say. There are several posts I wish to write but one finger punches on a phone for each novella just keeps me putting them off. If in the next week the loaned out of date semi-operational laptop or my own flat pack missing part laptop come to life again then I'll get on those yarns. Fir now though I continue to turn to walks and on this occasion tonight in a field.

Here there was a school not so long ago for the special needs kids. I've seen the pictures. It was not there when I started visiting the area on my way out of agoraphobia but had  been there recent enough at the time to appear on Google Maps when I scouted. Now it's just an empty field. I don't know the story but just strange to think 200 kids and teachers were spending their days here for 60 years. I like to try to feel this and picture it. I don't believe in many thinks but I do have some belief in energy residing. I do feel strong emotions can leave an imprint whether they be negative or positive. I think there are places where you can feel a change in emotion and mood inexplicably. Here there feels like something positive. It feels nice, I can't explain that. I heard Culloden is a very sad eerie place but I hold up my hand and say when I visited a few years ago I was disappointed to feel nothing. I remember also reading that Boleskine House owned by Aleister Cowley had a dark oppressive feel due to his meddling in dark arts. I do believe that. But whether these things would be experienced by someone foreign to the back story I don't know.

Stories defenitely affect perception of a place. Here I was here feeling good things. Not totally. It's a bit out the way so there is a bit of being wary about that. Then I remembered something. Around the corner are as ime caravans. A bit dodgy by all accounts. A local paper posted about how some guys from the caravans had targeted people on their own serving out a beating fir the hell of it. Some things better forgotten. Suddenly I didn't feel the good vibes. Quickly I was on my way. The scene had not changed. Nothing physically in the area had changed. Only my mind had changed. Only the story had altered from a tale of happy kids to a ring of bare knuckled thugs. As always it's not the reality. 

068 Places to go

 

" Places to go "

Another walk today taking the total to over 10 miles for the week which is not massive but a hell of a lot better than the nothing I was doing in lockdown- or not doing. Anyway its not about the distances really. Its about the places. It was numbers to begin with at the start of the week as I expected a much smaller world where every metre would count. Now though it has moved further than I expected in a much quicker time. It has I feel plateaued now but I am glad where I am. Very happy in fact. If I was offered this at the start of the week I'd have been over the moon.

A longer walk again today. Not much more but enough to be pleased. And this sign post above made me think. This is about a moke and a quarter from home. The places all are in the opposite direction. Places to go. Hamilton I will get to this year I think. In fact it could be argued I am there here as the the road is Bothwell Road which runs from Hamilton to Bothwell just as Hamilton Road in Bothwell is the same road from the other side. The Mile and a half though is the centre. I got there before and should get there again in the next few months. Strathclyde Park I last walked to in May 2018 so it's been a while. That will take much longer. When I did it previously I did a 6 mile circuit but did get up to 10 mile there once by incorporating a walk around the Loch, I'm a long way from that. Chatelherault country park I have been to and from on foot but never solely. My wife and I once hot a train there and walked back. Also a few times my wife drove to Strathclyde park and we did it from there. Motherwell and Larkhall I haven't done on foot. Maybe this time I will.

I'm hoping soon the fear over long travel turns to a desire to go far again. I know walking is 70% or maybe more of my agoraphobic recovery as it worked before. So many places I want to walk to. So many places to go. 

066 In the rain

 

" In the rain "

I might have gotten soaked to the skin and may well suffer the sniffles in the days to come but it was worth it. I started a new walking regime yesterday and after a surprisingly good first day I was more reluctant this time around. It happens like that. An apprehension to at least match the day before is further compounded by sometimes not feeling as physically ready to do so. That was the case today. But standing at the window trying to muster the enthusiasm to venture out it got dark and the clouds got heavy and then the heavens opened. That was my call. I love walking in the rain. It was such a downpour it washed all the other peoples from the streets and woodland paths leaving me alone to tread. I'll take it every time.

It went well like yesterday and I again noticed how although I am taking a physical exercise it is very much limited by my mental inner negative voice. I ventured much further than I expected yesterday. Not least because I started out with laboured breathing and weak limbs I felt sure would have me scuttling back home quickly. Instead what happened was I got on a mundane train of thought about something and before I realised it I had walked a good deal more than I had previously dared. What had happened is that the internal every day story I had woven and become engrossed in had led me into auto pilot. In this mode I am not checking my physical being gif problems or trying to wrestle back control of my breathing. Instead I allow my subconscious to take control. It drives the bus allowing me to look out of the window at the passing view instead of fighting for control of ghd wheel. This is the normal state. This is how most people walk. Unfortunately at the moment though I cannot choose to do this. This is agoraphobia.

But the point here is that two days from two I have spent large spells in that zone. To me this is proof that all the good I did before is not lost, it was not for nothing. I am hoping this time around any progress will be accelerated. Its not like the couch to 5k which takes a physical progression over time. This is very much continual walking for as long as I can and as far as I can to the point my mind gets so relaxed by tiredness that if stops resisting. When the mind stops resisting it turns to auto pilot. In this mode there is no anxiety over distance. There is no agoraphobia. 

School Rules

  

The kids are back at school nearly three weeks now in Scotland and I can't say with any confidence that it's been a good thing. The main bone of contention from day one were those pesky face masks again but if anything at least the message was clear: they are not needed. I didn't agree with it then but at least everyone knew where they stood. Well sort of. My wife was telling me some kid had been taking abuse for wearing a face mask. Were that not bad enough what turned the stomach more was that it was apparently parents doing the mouthing off. It turns out this kid lives with elderly grandparents. Quite shocking. A kid protecting his grandparents should not have to take that and possibly the kid had little choice in the matter. A lot of kids have to rely on grandparents because those who care for them are at work. I went to my grans after school when I was young as both parents were at work. Much like the care homes up here I think the oldest and most vulnerable up here have yet again become an afterthought.

In the short time since the schools returned many clusters have popped up and the reproduction number has risen with it. Yesterday our little town had its first outbreak with two kids and a teacher testing positive at one of the primary schools. I can't say I'm surprised. There have been no safeguards, no easing in. I had a bit of lurgy last week, better now, but so did my daughter and she had to stay off. No one asked to have her checked. There was no test followed by track and trace if needed. That's just one school.

Anyway the way things have gone has now made the Scottish government consider facemasks in school. Straight away my back was up when I heard they were considering "asking schools" to wear face masks in corridors and other enclosed spaces. Surely if this is a consideration because they fear infection spiralling it should be enforced rather than suggested? That lack of conviction angers me. Yet again it leads to doubt, confusion and ill feeling between those who wear and those who don't. It seems like this country keeps finding itself in polarising situations which is fine for debate but not when it turns nasty like it usually has. 

So why was this not implemented from day one? What I have heard is that it's because of a change in thinking by the WHO. That for me is not good enough and a clear sanatizing of hands- blame shifting. If it was already "mandatory" to wear face masks on public transport and in shops why did they need the WHO to shift their position to do it in schools. And even at that they are still dithering. If they do follow it through and do the right thing they will no doubt pass the responsibilities on to the schools. I really do hope it does not take more tragedy for them to act because to me that looks like how this is heading unless they tighten things up. Scotland and parts on Northern Ireland have resumed first with England and Wales set to follow. If there are lessons to be learned I think the latter two would do well to introduce face masks from day one. 

Travel

 

A couple of years ago a met up with a couple of friends. One of them I had not seen for over 15 years and the other was the second meeting in about the same time. Talk at some point turned to work. Do you remember I always wanted to do journalism? My friend said that and I nodded. He'd had lots of different jobs before one day in his late twenties or early thirties he went to higher education to follow his dream and today he loves working in media. The other said he was working his notice but that is all. He had another job lined up. The job he was packing in he'd done for decades installing satellite systems. I just assumed he was off to do the same with a different company. I wish I hadn't assumed and instead asked him more. A few months later I found out he'd started his own business working from home doing graphic design. Another big leap. The leap not just of vocation but more importantly from monotony to happiness.

Any way at the time it was all lost on me. My friend kept asking me what I'd really like to do, deep down. I don't know. He kept pressing and I kept giving the same answer. Semi honest. I didn't know but nor did I say that if I come get anxiety free I would do virtually any job happily. He wouldn't have understood. I get the feeling now he wanted to help me find that place, find happiness. I also think now it was maybe he who took my other friend by the hand and guided him from the mundane into the working life he had been craving. 

And that was that gor as long time. Today though all that came back to me. Travel writer. Bang!, there it is. That is what I wanted to do. I prefer my own company or at least did. I have great friends but appreciate them more and enjoy their company more with time in between. I'd happily gave gone off travelling in the back of a can across some far land armed only with a notepad and pen. That was what I wanted. That was my passion. That was completely buried until today. How ironic that my desire to travel was snubbed by agoraphobia. Life couldn't have given me any more of a slap in the face with that one.

What triggered this train of thought was an Indian man on the radio today. He is running a bus from London to Delhi on what for me would be the ultimate trip - were my mental state different. That is actually the return leg as the bus is first coming from Dehli to London. The trip costs £15000 and takes 70 days. It meanders through Europe finally exiting Russia into China via "the Stans" and into India. Each nightly stop is to stay on a hotel and there are days in Moscow and other cities to chill for a bit. The bus itself is all luxury. My perfect trip except I don't have £15 nevermind a thousand fold and I can't get to the next town on a bus never minx London to Dehli. Maybe one day though. Its good to dream if nothing else and that for me is a beautiful dream. Although I will also say I don't think the price includes the return home.