Loch

On Sunday we went to a heritage park some distance away. It didn't quite go to plan but not to worry as these things happen. I still got out and as it turns out even without being prone to panic we would have been sent packing regardless. Strangely I was looking forward to it- and why not?

Its not much of an area to be honest. The area is dominated by a 16 acre loch and most of the activity in winter centres around the path around it which is less than a mile- I only managed one third of that. The path attracts a fairly scenic view in all weathers with the people I saw being a mix of people just out for a stroll and dog walkers. Apparently in the summer its very nice and you can go out on the loch in little boats for hire. That would be nice. Something to put on the checklist.

As I said we got out and got about a third of the way around and that is when the panic really hit me. It had been building on the car journey all the way there. I thought though I was on top of it and was instead thinking of all the new scenery in world I could capture with my little camera- didn't take the good one in case it rained. As it turned out the weather had different plans.

The panic in these situations always manifests the same way. The main symptons come at once. I shake and I struggle for breathe and the mind races too fast making me feel agitated. Images fore most in my mind are of where I am in relation to where home is. This is key. This is the thing I must rationalise and tackle. I remember it years ago at my daughter's nursery and it sent me driving home quickly and carelessly. The absence of these images, these (false) alarms, is the reason I got through the pub and McDonalds. As bad as the anxiety was those times these images did not surface.

What I learned previously is that panic does go down but what I have learned since is that it only happens if you can untangle yourself enough from it to allow it to go down. This time I was compeltely caught up on it. Determined not to run back to the car I tried to walk slowly. The kids then saw this as an opportunity to run into a play park and start playing on swings and the like. The oldest wanted her photo taken and so I obliged but as I did saw I was too aware that my hands were really shaking. I even tried holding this little camera with two hands but made no difference. If that was not bad enough, in terms of getting some clear photographs, the weather decided to turn stormy incredibly quickly. From a cold but clear day it was suddenly black, windy and chucking it down. The kids ran for the car. I made my way to the ducks and swans to get some snaps but all I got were blurry rain slodged affairs which no doubt did my camera no good at all. There will though be other days.

Not good but it turned out to be a bit of a blessing because it would have been a nightmare being caught in that halfway around the loch. The kids were drenched enough and had a real struggle walking back into a strong oncoming wind. We then treated them to hot chocolate at the cafe on the way home which brought no anxiety whatsoever which was good.

Yesterday a little more of the same. I do at least keep trying. This time a tea room about twice as far from home as the cafe on foot and another place I have never been in before. I think the panic from the previous day didn't help. I went in and stayed half an hour but it was 30 minutes of torture. This time I reminded myself how the panic eases, this time it didn't. It stayed the whole time. A different kind of panic. This time the eyes were staring and I could not get out of that distant focus and the room seemed far too bright. The distance was not so much the problem which is probably why I was not bothered by those images. It was the intamacy. The cafe is spacious but this tea room is small and square and was busy. Not that there was any threat but I just felt self conscious about giving int the urge to flee which may have been in the end the only reason I stayed. I will go back again. Even if its only to see if its easier next time like it was at McDonalds when we returned at the weekend there again- no anxiety whatsoever.

Its all a learning process and the important thing I must remind myself is a year ago, maybe even 6 months ago, I would not even entertain the thought of trying these things- the thought was bad enough. I am now not only trying them but doing them and getting through them rightly or wrongly. CBT tells me that this is the way it happens and there is no other way- it won't just be a breeze. It also tells me the harder times are more beneficial than the easier times because that is when we get a chance to put what we have learned into practice and test which we cannot do if there is no anxiety. If I go out time and again to places that cause me no anxiety then it will be for nothing because the fear will remain and if I should put myself out further will return. So its important to keep going and keep pushing myself into it and keep doing the CBT in that hope that everything will at some day in the future click into place. And how will I know? I will know when I go out and feel that bad with panic but don't care. When I lose the fear and that would be enough to diffuse it, break the anticipatory anxiety (apprehension) cycle and stop the panic happening. The only way I will find out if that is true is to keep putting myself into the storm.

McDonalds

I must be on a roll. Saturday was a slow day again but at night given last week the oldest girl missed out on a McDonalds we decided tonight to treat the kids. Twice in two weeks. Don't think we do this all the time. I can count on one hand before this year how many times we'd had a McDonalds. So all went out in the car. Last week the oldest had a party and while she was at that we took the youngest two to McDonalds. I had been wanting to try sitting in but we got stuck in a traffic jam which put my anxiety levels sky high and so we had to settle for taking the food with us.This time I was determined to sit in. And I did.

Not easy by a long shot but on reflection the same as the pub yesterday. Its something I need to keep in mind for the future. The first 5-10 minutes were the worst and I really just wanted to flee. All the alarm bells going off and the kids at the same time being too loud from being overexcited. Just not enjoyable at all. I waited it out and by the time we left over half an hour later I was fairly calm and in no rush to go.

Fragments of CBT return which I will go over when the time finally comes. Its natural. This is all new and this is all anxiety inducing so firstly I must accept I am going to get panicky in these situations. I have to accept it to happen and expect it to happen. When it does there are a few things I need to tell myself. Firstly repeat to myself its a "false alarm". Those two words sum it up. The perfectly normal and harmless fight or flight response has kicked in because of a false alarm. Accept it and remember its an adrenaline rush which is produced. A rush peaks but must always die down and looking back at these two days I have the evidence this has happened. Remind myself it may peak again and may peak again many times. Its OK. Just do the same again. But I only remember these things after the event because its been a few weeks since I did my CBT. I must get back to that quickly so these things are brought to mind at the time.

A good night then and the kids enjoyed having their dad there with them for a change. Better even that the cafe visit at the start of the year which was our first time out as a family because this one was miles away rather than walking distance. Hopefully the start of new things.

Pub

Not a new lifestyle change but certainly an achievement. Me, above, in a pub with a pint. My first pint a pub since 2006. And yet it means less to me that it did to my wife. Maybe its the anxiety stopping me enjoying the moment. Maybe its the relief when its over. I don't know. But if you want an indication of what it really means then I am not the best yard stick. The fact my wife cried and had to compose herself probably says it all.

We went for a long (ish) drive and on the way back she suggested we stop off at a pub. I was reluctant but then decided I had to at least try. Many years ago I would have laughed at anyone who suggested I might be reluctant to go the pub when invited. So we went and my wife park and already the anxiety was growing. As we waited to be served inside it grew further still but the peak came as I sat down with the pint. That is when the mind machine really kicked into gear: you are going to look stupid if you leave now and waste that drink. You must leave now, you are so far from home. The tip of the iceberg in a torrent of thoughts and urges to get out. But after 5-10 minutes of sitting fighting it eased. My wife had a fresh orange and I supped on the pint until it was dry. Whether it was the alcohol or not I am not sure but I was ready for another I was so relaxed. I didn't have one though.

Instead we drove home and then walked up to the school to collect the kids. On the way back we went to the supermarket and done a shop. From home and back with the school and shopping in between was 2 hours alone. That along with the drink in the pub made for a memorable day. The former becoming some what routine now which is a very good sign. I just hope this is the start of many. The long term plan is to get out to a restaurant with my wife in small steps. Preferably in a month's time for our wedding anniversary. The chances are slim to none at the moment because I can't rush this or I will just go backwards. But the fact it is even a remote possibility, to the point my wife's friend has already said she will take the kids for a few hours, is a massive step forward. That would be an incredible achievement.

Lastly when I came back home finally there was a letter from the DWP to tell me that regardless of what happens if I do not have a job by May all money will stop. The state of play with the appeal is that it will now happen at the start of next month and in the same month I am to go to the job centre for another work related interview. I am just hoping my appeal goes for me but not hopeful. I am not looking for a way out of working but instead more concerned that the pressure being put on is going to be counterproductive to my attempt to get well again. But the fact is 4 months until serious financial problems unless I can get myself "normal" again. No pressure then...

Return to the scene

2006. I have blogged about it many times so won't bore any readers with the same story again. In short my wife needed an operation on her wrist. The plan was rather than paying for a taxi she would drive out and I would bring the car home and then later pick her up again. She drove out as planned with me as passenger. There were no car parking spaces so we had to stop, she quickly got out and I got into the passenger seat. As she waved and made her way into hospital I drove off and was almost immediately hit with a full blown panic attack. An attack like nothing I have experienced since, or before, that lasted the whole 6 miles home until my town came in to view. From that point on I was agoraphoic. Attempts to drive my daughter to nursery thereafter got so difficult that within a week just getting into the car brought on a panic attack and I stopped altoghter.

Today I returned to the scene for the first time since that day. Over Christmas my youngest daughter jumped on the oldest daughter's foot and the injured girl had to go to A&E. Soft tissue damage was the verdict and crutches were issued. So today my wife and I went out there to return the crutches. Anxiety was as high as expected and as much as I wanted to get it over with when we stopped outside A&E and my wife got out to take the crutches back I got out and said I would do it. It was important. I must banish the demons. So I did. I went into the waiting room and sat for a few minutes with the other people. When I finally felt calmer I realised I did not need to wait and so I went up to the reception and handed the crutches back. It doesn't sound much but believe me its a big thing for me. A monkey off my back.

Drives

Not a great photo given I was in a moving car on a dull rainy day but of note. That is the council building in the next town which is a big feature dominating the skyline around these parts. Its in Hamilton and I took that today out in the car. My wife also drove past the Job Centre where I will be summoned to next month so step one of that exposure complete. I am glad we did go because my memory of it is different from the reality. In my head it was a big building within a big car park. Step Two was to be waiting in the car park, step three going in. Turns out the building is not as big as I thought and on a main road so we can't park in front of it. It means finding a parking space on one of the streets. That is something that will have to be done next.

Good to get out in the car again. We have more drives planned as long as the weather holds up. It has been a fairly mild winter to be honest. Car drives a while back did help with my anxiety problems to some extent a while back so anything I can do I will to help given the walks are going so much better too.

After the walk my wife and I went to a cafe nearby for a cuppa and then proceeded to the school to pick up the kids and bring them back home- on foot. All fairly mundane and routine but all something I have not been able to do for such a long time. It feels almost normal. Don't get me wrong its not easy and I still have my moments. I am never completely free of doubt. It a start though. Somewhere I hoped to be but never believed I could be and yet here I am. 

A new year, new chapter

A new year and a new chapter. I guess the point of most stories, except for tragedies, is that no matter how dark and painful the pages leading to the end are it is important the ending is a happy one. That is the way I see my blog and I suppose is there is no happy ending then I can at least manufacture one- who will know any different? That though is for another day. If days are pages and the years chapters then now begins chapter 5 and it starts well enough. In fact better than anticipated.

Above is a family shot from a cafe where the kids had their dinner after my wife took them swimming. Its the first time all 5 of us have been out sitting in somewhere- ever. It may not be a big thing in the scheme of things but it was big in my book and that of my family and that is what counts. It did not got smoothly but I got there in the end. The ends enjoyed their meals and by the end I was not rushing them along but instead staying with it.

A good start to this fifth chapter. Lets hope it continues that way. That is the intention and if it does not then it will not be through lack of effort.