Walking the dog

I am beginning to wonder if I am Noah. The rain has not stopped falling and may soon pick up our little home and take us away. In preparation for this it would seen the animals have been making their slow pilgrimage to our Ark. Some time ago we were asked to temporary home a cat by a couple who were emigrating to Australia and noone has ever come back to claim him. Sometime after that we got another cat which once belonged to my wife but apparently like a library book the loan period of a number of years expired and the cat returned. Two cats. Then on Saturday a big dog arrived for an "overnighter". Still he is here with no sign of anyone coming to collect him any time soon. And I wonder if the next person to appear comes to give and not to collect to make up two doggies. Then budgies and rabbits and whatever else. This little ark is bursting as it is. A small two bedroom hovel housing 2 adults, 3 kids, 2 cats and a big dog.

No need to worry though as the old dog will be collected within the next week. For one we couldn't afford to feed him for any longer. But he has been a great distraction for the children. An excuse to go outside so they can take him over to the grasslands across the road and stay with him for a time. A chance to show him off. And the chance for us to all go walking the dog as a family.

I would not have contemplated this at the start of the year. No chance. Yesterday though we took him for his second long walk and as a family (kids were off on holiday) we walked right around the main park in the area. The first time I have ever done it. In fact my wife and I started to do it the day before but I had to break off as I was finding it too hard so it was good not get straight back on the horse as they say- no thanks, the ark is full!

Not without panic but I have come to accept that. Lots of panic and at one point full blown panic which did having me walking quickly ahead of the others but I managed to control it enough to slow down and let them catch up. That old feeling I could not breathe again and so far from home and doubt I could make it home and again I cannot breathe and thoughts of falling down as the dizziness kicked in and images of ambulances and paramedics and I tell myself to calm as I will be OK but I cannot for the life of me get a breath. But I stayed and eventually the breathing eased. And no-one noticed. Nor did I tell my wife after. It was also good that they did not make a big fuss about it despite it being a big thing because that is the bit I don't like. Things though have been going so well lately that I think now they don't expect anything else other than to be able to do it. That is fine by me. Maybe that helps too.

Panic aside it was good to be out with my family for a stroll. Not the most picturesque and not the nicest weather but a bit of normality I have strived so long for finally experienced. Panic with them all but they are all bare thread which when multiplied and woven together with time will give me a quilt of normality. That is what I feel. That is the hope I feel.

Cafe

Yes, that is me in a cafe! Pretty normal thing to do I guess but not for me. Not for years. I have been building up to it for a while now and always putting it off. Its not that the supermarket cafe is uninviting or there are bad people there or anything to do with danger. Its just like everything else. Its a place I have to commit to being in. Not completely commit but there comes a point when I have to stay- after I buy something.

Its been a topic of late. DWP are still trying to get me to a work focussed interview in some far off place with the threat that my children will starve if I don't. Don't they think if I could attend those I could attend job interviews and I could work instead of living in a damp ridden shitty 2 bedroom flat with 3 young children who have no garden to play in and no holidays to look forward to? But that is their plan- burn the witch!

And in the process of dealing with that I have been in contact with a council run agency who are now handling my appeal and they are very good- so far. The woman though...not quite sure how you would describe here. She is good cop/ bad cop roled into one. On one hand getting in my face (over the phone) and on the other putting my mind at rest. For example she called and I didn't get the call so she left a message but the tone when I called back was like I should have been there waiting at the end of the phone if I was really agoraphobic. Then after I explained the situation she asked if I could spend 15 minutes going through things and was seriously pissed off when I said I would have to do it the following day as the kids were due in from school- lots of noise, nowhere to escape to and homework time. So the following day when I called it turns out she had meant go down to her office for 15 minutes. Not possible. I had thought she meant over the phone. But she turned to say: yesterday you said you could and today you say you can't so are you telling me your situation has  changed in the past 24 hours? No, that is not what I am saying! But I was so taken I back I mumbled my way through a response to justify my actions even though it was a misunderstanding. And the truth is that they could have changed. Anyone who has experienced agoraphobia will know that what you do one day you cannot always do the following- or for a long time after.

Anyway the point I am trying to get to is that her office is not far away and I can get to it. In fact the other day I went there, sat at reception for 10 minutes and then after handing in a form went on to school and finally back home. The problem is not the place or the people though the place is a problem if it is obviously outside where I can travel too. But there are lots of places I can go to, the problem is staying. Or should I say committing to stay. Its being trapped, the feeling at least. The moment I step into that situation I know the clock is ticking slowly and regardless of how much I panic I cannot escape which is invariably enough reason to panic.

This is part two of my problem and the lady from the council told me this is the problem I have to highlight in my appeal: social preclusion. I have two parts to my anxiety problems. The first is agoraphobia and the start of that is clear because I got in a car one day fine and got out agoraphobic for the ever after. So that was clearly the point I because agoraphobic almost 7 years ago. The social preclusion, as she calls it, came shortly after that. It came about 2 months after that and of course directly related. It was just as sudden. One day my parents came to visit and out of the blue I started panicking and from then until the here and now I had problems with people in places- stuck in situations I could not get out of. So the latter part is the route of appeal they tell me as there is no route for agoraphobia which I find strange but they have in front of them the high score I got which apparently showed I was able for work. I will post the outcome of that when I find out which will no doubt be soon and not be the end of it either way.

So back to sitting in the cafe. It was yesterday. We did the school run and for the first time (with my family and at that time in the day) I made it to the school gates. Then I left but I did not go straight home. Instead I walked about for a bit and then down to the local park in time to meet my wife coming back home. As we walked on I suddenly realised I was starving. I had to eat. So we went to Greggs and after some looking I decided I didn't want anything. Then she suggested the cafe at the supermarket. I was apprehensive but she said we could just get a take away roll if I felt uncomfortable. So at the risk of boring the pants off anyone reading this I went in, looked through their extensive menu, bought a roll and square sausage and we sat down. When I took my coat off I knew I was doing well. I've imagined it many times and the coat always stays on for a quick exit. But I felt fairly calm. Panic kept rising and by the end I was getting more and more of it so happy to leave but I stayed long enough to finish and not run out. It may be a one off but it gives a little more hope- something I have been wanting to do for a long time finally ticked off. It was however the easiest of the situations I want to do because I could at any point walk out with the roll and not draw attention to myself. Its a start though. Breakfast in a cafe.

False dawn

To put things into perspective from a year between 2010 and 2011 I managed to walk over 5 miles in a week only once. 5.5 miles covered in one week and the rest below the 5 mile mark. The 5.5 miles being termed by myself a very good effort. So I don't know why I thought it would be fine to do more than that in one day but on Wednesday I walked just over 6 miles in total. I felt horrendous and there was no going back.

For me there is a certain inevitability when I feel I have reached the peak of this mountain as I posted about last time. And that is that I will over reach myself and fall all the way down the other side. It has been all positive change of late and even strong hope of a road out of this. My high spirits though have been very quickly been brought crashing all around me and I feel I am back where I started all those years ago- constant high anxiety, weak with fatigue and panic attacks coming in cycles.

I have overdone it and as usual right on schedule with the worst time possible. Since that mountain of walks (by my standards) I have had a constant banging headache and can hardly keep my eyes open. All wrong. I pushed and pushed but not in the right way and this is the upshot.

It has coincided with trying to work out my problems with DWP and ATOS. As I said previously the GP refused to give me a letter and redirected me to a government department. After some problems I finally spoke to a woman this morning and spent the whole time in panic. She was a strange one. Very curt one minute and yet compassionate the next. She said she would reluctantly help but its not policy to help without a face to face. All the time I could hardly concentrate between this bloody headache and the panic. I could see the phone visibly shaking in my hand and I had to keep rubbing my eyes for the pain and all this was making me more and more tense and the head sorer.

I feel washed out now and feel all the good work has been ripped up and thrown in the bin. So I need to read to try to cope with this. I remember well Claire Weekes talking of setbacks being inevitable and not to fear them but learn to deal with them. The CBT guy says it too and said no progress will ever be truly lost. At the moment it doesn't feel like that. A walk afterwards with the boy was a struggle and then for the first time in a while a panic attack on the walk brought on by one of those abstract deja vu moments. It has left me feeling shattered and low. Jittery in a body filled with adrenaline and full now of self doubt.

Anyway. At the end of the call I was left little further forward. The lady said that there is no route to appeal based on not being able to stay out long enough- basically not route for the agoraphobic then. But I could appeal on the grounds of social preclusion. And there is always an irony. This may though need to be done after a medical which if I could do I would be able to go to interviews and not need to appeal. She also said my GP is talking bollocks and is holding out to get payment for a letter and that there is no onus on the DWP to contact him. So I have apparently to call him again but there is no way he will do it so I am not. And where that leaves the appeal I do not know but only know its adding more stress and anxiety.

So that is my happy post of the day and thought I might as well get it out my system and out the way. I need to get my head together and tap into that inner strength again. I hate feeling so feable. I don't want this any more than having to rely and be held to ransom on benefits which I need to maintain my family in this small shitty flat. Life could be better. Time to regroup. Sometimes I really do wonder whether its all worth it. What kind of existence is this?

The change

As I was saying the other day I feel reluctant to say it but I feel a real change or have at least experienced a change in the past week. I find it hard to admit because these things, positives, never last and so usually are just a big build up to an even bigger fall. But everything about this is different from anything I have experienced in the past few years. I am going further and out for longer but its more than that. I am not reaching a point and then quickly retreating after the urge to flee because too much to stand and later sure that I will not be able to repeat the act anytime soon. Instead I am getting places or staying places and the urge to flee is not there. This is new. This feels almost normal. Will it last? That is the eternal question but maybe I should stop asking it and just enjoy this for however long it lasts. Its a wish granted that I never thought would come and I am left not thinking if I can repeat the acts but wondering how much further I can go and how long I can stay out. There are no black thoughts of return journeys but instead a real belief of restuarants and travelling to family and maybe a little holiday away and days out. They are real. This is all new and still I worry that saying all this is going to leave me mopping up the mess later.

Yesterday as usual my wife took the kids shopping alone and I waited for the call when they were leaving to go around and bring the shopping home. Then I thought why wait? I had already walked them all the way to church which is the furthest I have ever been in that direction and actually well past the old school and nursery I used to panic at in the car- impossible to get to walking. And I thought nothing of it- I could have walked on. So I called my wife to find she was still shopping, I went around to find her in the queue for the checkout and I joined her. I stayed the hole time and not one urge to flee. I came home with the shopping at my own pace. 22 miles for the week. Lots of new places. Things more positive but can it continue?

Doctor Doctor

*I know the photo doesn't link with the post but it was either that, a picture of a phone, a pic of me holding a phone with a look of dismay or stalking my doctor from afar.

Doctor, doctor I really need you to write a note for me.
- Sorry I can't.

Not a funny punchline. In fact not a punchline at all but it felt like something with a punch in it, I didn't find it funny either. And at the moment I felt a strong something. Not sure what but a strong emotion engulfed me. Could have been anger or could have been despair or could even have been both or maybe its was something else. Bah, who cares?

I am of course talking about the phone call from my GP so I could get a letter stating I am not fit for a work focused interview wherever that may be when I send off my appeal against the decision by DWP that I am ready for work. It could well have been that although I always have my doubts I was about 90% sure he'd say yes and I would pick said letter up later so when he said no I about dropped the phone. I'd sought advice from people in the same position who had been through the same thing and this is what they had advised me to do but I guess everywhere is diffrent.

It turns out though it was not all bad news and as he explained par for the course. He told me I had to appeal and then the DWP would contact them direct for information and he would give me his full support. Phew! And furthermore he gave me the name of a council department who help deal with these things and said to contact them so that is my next move with the hope that they can assist in the process.

Aside from the call its been quite an unbelievable day in many respects. My wife said she was astounded when I accompanied her to her friend's house (Waited outside) where I have never been before, then down to the shopping centre, then to the park where we spent 5 minutes with the boy going up and down the chute and finally to the Sport Centre to pick up my oldest. Nearly an hour in total which is a record for me.

Here is the strange thing. I feel I should whisper it. In fact I don't really want to say it for fear of a jinx but I will say it. I actually felt normal. After an hour out I did not feel the need to run home and could have stayed out longer had we needed to. I felt I could go on and on. But I counter that with the fact that 10 minutes after coming home I felt a wave of fatigue flatten me and that is the way it has been for the rest of the night.

Still though as I said before all these little things are building into slightly bigger things and this feeling of normality feels like it could be leading somewhere positive for the first time since all this started- again I am loathe to proclaim on the road to wellness but I feel that way. I don't want to get carried away but I do want more and already this week I have walked 20 miles which for me is huge with still the weekend to go and if I get more of the same I will walk more of the same and keep pushing. Positives. Little bright stars in the dark night. 

Prescription

Still slow progress is made but progress nonetheless and enough to keep building another ounce of condifence and another plaster applied to the inner strength as I push my further into what you would deem the mundane and easy. My wife was shocked when I disappeared yesterday for half and hour and handed her a bag from the chemist full of pills. Shocked and pleased because it contained painkillers, she was out of painkillers and in a lot of pain with that knee the hospital butchered. So much pain that she was going to go there herself but was tired from a lot of walking back and forth to the school. It illustrates a little shift in things because I walked there too and did not feel as tired. In fact the fatigue I did feel was nothing like usual and I guess allied to the fact I am not walking with a dodgy painful knee it was enough to get me there.

I hadn't said anything, just went for a walk as usual. Headed for the doctors with the intention of just trying to get there. I got there. I pushed myself in. Only one in the queue. I waited... not too long ...prescription ...thanks  ..time to go home. I walked a few yards home at speed happy I had at least got that but also fighting the panic from the fear of not being able to make it home as my breath became shallow, the legs turned to jelly and my mind raced with dark thoughts of collapses and blue lights and sirens. Then I stopped. And turned back and walked past the doctors and down the street always going further from home and to the chemist. Looked in. One person again- the same person. Same routine. Wait, hand over, wait a little more, bingo and off I was out of there with a big smile on my face and a bag of pills.

I know it doesn't sound like much. I know that. But it was a big thing for me. Who am I trying to convince here? You? Know of course I am trying to convince myself as that part of my brain belittles any positive and sweeps it under the carpet leaving more room for the negativity. If nothing else it felt good to do something for someone else who was not up to doing it for themselves. And today I went to the school. Just outside the gates and waited for the wife to go in and bring the boy out of nursery. Long enough for my oldest daughter to appear at a second floor window and wave. Little bits of progress all threading together and I try to build on them. Positives. At last some positives.

Tomorrow the doctor will call and I have to hope he will write a letter for me to send to the DWP. That is weighing on my mind so it needs sorted one way or the other but dreading a negative outcome.

Fun in the sun

And when the clouds finally parted then the grey months moved out slowly hang-dogged to reveal the blue we knew was there but had long forgotten and like a diamond sparkling high in the middle was the sun we had so longed to see. Time fell back on itself, when was that time- the last time? I cannot recall. I cannot for the life of me remember that last time so long ago when I sat on the decaying steps leading to our front door with the kids running freely in t-shirts and smiles and the world sang a silent song while we all joined in. Certainly does lift the mood but how long will it last and how long until next time?

It doesn't matter. What matters in living in the moment and enjoying a bit of wonder when it comes and these are the days the little ones will remember when the dark clouds part forever.

A bit of a trifle

Success, maybe. I got up this morning and for the third day running checked the fridge. Inside is a big bowl so I removed it and gave it a little shake, very little movement. Then a prod of the finger- solidity. The jelly has set.

Its not the first time I have had a nightmare in the kitchen and its still not over yet. The kids were off school yesterday and off today and at the weekend I told the oldest we would make a trifle despite never having successfully made one in the past. It was never going to be straight forward.

In Home Economics at high school I was an absoloute disaster. I was the only one in class who had to be taken to hospital and the chances are the only one in my year- maybe even ever. That is how hopeless I was and that has not changed. That happened when trying to cut a cooking apple in half and although with ease I sliced right through the apple I also sliced right through my left thumb. I was left looking at bone then white then red before the teacher getting someone to take me to hospital to get it stitched.

I was the only one in my class sent to the head too after stupidly thinking it might be funny to give one of my classmates a bit of a shock. We had these moulded plastic chairs in glass which had a rectangular gap around the seating area so with a big thick needle in hand I prodded through to watch a guy called Greg jump in the air in shock. After the teacher went mental I was sent packing. When it came to using the sewing machines I was the only one given a needle and thread and even at that there was reluctance.

But it was he kitchen where I had my real disasters. After successfully making some kind of banana milk shake I then right at the end of class managed to drop the glass and said milkshake with glass smashed everywhere. While everyone else was sitting back enjoying their milkshake at the end of class I was standing mopping the floor and brushing up shards. My rock cakes were virtually like coal and inedible while everyone else's were soft, golden brown and looked scrummy. I could go on.

It was a frustration and maybe a part of me has always wanted to better myself in the kitchen to reap the benefits of good cooking. So over the years I occasionally get an urge to make something. I have had the odd win but mostly losses. Quesadillas were a success but pancakes were defiinitely a failure. So this time it was the time of the trifle. Its something I tried to make last year with the same problem that frustrated me so much I gave up in the end.

If you live in the UK you are probably familiar with the company "Birds" who are probably best known for their custard but they also make trifle packs too consisting of sachets of jelly, custard, whipped cream and sponge fingers.I thought it would be straight forward but it would seem not. Day 1 we made the jelly and put it in the fridge to set over night. Day 2 we went to the fridge to find a red liquid still. Later on day 2 we tried again after my wife bought more jelly. It was evident after making it up though that it wasn't right. It was like syrup and this turned out to be because it was not jelly but jelly glaze. So on day 3 another attempt with another jelly and that was yesterday. After speaking to a friend he cryptically told me "its all about the mix of cold and hot water". I thought he was just pulling my leg but low and behold it seems he was right and today my excited daughter discovered a bowl full of set jelly in the fridge.

So one third down and hopefully the hardest part. Never thought it would be that damn difficult but I guess now I know for future reference. But given my list of colanary disasters going back to my teens am I assuming too much thinking the trifle may be ready tonight with just the custard and whipped cream to do? Time will tell. The oldest girl though is enjoying our little saga.

Ready for work

Yesterday morning my long wait for a response from ATOS came to an end. What I was expecting was a bulky letter from Medical Services, or whatever they call themselves these days, containing a summons to a medical and directions on how to get there- usually 10 miles away in Glasgow city centre. That though is not what I got. Instead I got a letter from the DWP in the morning which remained unopened until night time such was my desire to keep the dread away from the day.

It would appear the DWP in their wisdom have recieved my form and decided not only am I eligible for work but I don't even need to be assessed to prove it. No. Despite stating I am agoraphobic and that as a result I cannot travel they have decided I am perfectly capable for work and have put me in a work activity group. What is that? Beats me. Something to do with going somewhere for group interviews somewhere. Something I cannot do. And with the line that failure to attend will result in my benefits being stopped. Thanks.

As I have said in the past I have no problem with the notion of getting people back to work rather than leaving them stagnating. I would certainly prefer that and if they could do that then great but that is not what they plan to do. They only plan to get me off benefits and on to the dole queue. There is no help being offered with my anxiety problems which I would suggest is the first port of call: get a professional to assess and treat and get ready for going back to work into these activity groups first and foremost. No instead its a case of come to the summons or we stop your money- even though I have told them I cannot go.

So what are the choices then? Don't go, money is stopped and we are financially in real trouble as we live on the breadline as it is and cannot do without that money. The other choice is go. I have not been out of this town in over a year. I would be in panic just leaving. If by some chance I could muster the will power to get there I doubt I would have enough left to leave the car never mind get out, go into the place, wait, take part in activities and then come home. Were I able to do all that I would be a wreck and what that would do is totally fuck me up as it has in the past and I would be back to being stuck indoors unable to leave the house having a horrible time every waking second. What would you choose?

It seems I am buggered either way unless I appeal so I guess that is what I am going to have to do. Its really difficult for me to get to grips with though because basically what I am doing is begging to stay on benefits when I not only hate being on benefits but hate the idea of it. I would rather be out working and if I could go to a group thing in another town then surely I would be better going and getting a job at the local supermarket- which I would have no trouble with. But when I can only just get to that supermarket now and stay in it from 5 to 10 mins before having to leave how would I be able to keep down a full time job. Even if I was offered 30 minutes a day to break me in I think that would be too much.

I don't like it. I don't like being like this. This weakness tears me apart because it is not who I have been all my life and its like some sick joker has taken everything I am and reversed all my strengths as some punishment for a sin I cannot recall. Sick joke. Every waking moment being mocked and feebly unable to fight back try as I might.

But I am ready to fight for one reason only and put all that pride to one side- what little remains of it. I have worked hard this year to make progress, have made progress and am still working hard to the point where I am constantly fatigued but still managing to push myself out the door and stay out for as long as I can. And I will not have that all undermined by these bastards. I won't. So fuck them. If they want a fight they have got one and whatever the outcome its just a shame that its more tax payers money wasted in the process and I might not be contributing to that at the moment but I have done plenty in the many years before.

Let me though explain something about my agoraphobia which may not be clear to anyone who has experienced this and indeed for some who have. Its not just panic I have to deal with its fatigue. And these to things feed off each other. Its like a cycle. Panic causes fatigue and fatigue causes panic and so on. So if I go somewhere and start to panic then I try to deal with that with the CBT skills I have learned and on that point I am having more success without mastering it. But even if I manage to get through a panic attack it leaves me so fatigued that the worry just kicks off again and snowballs into panic which in turn makes me even more fatigued. That is why even going by car I struggle. If I had to go to the doctors for example I would be shattered walking there to the point it would have me so anxious I could not sit and wait- I have tried it recently. But I also tried going by car which I post about a month ago. I was no less anxious and fatigued then. I didn't have to walk there but after a few minutes of being there with no pressure to stay and then walking home I was floored with fatigue.

So its not just about me internally throwing up my hands, screaming and running about in panic because I am too far away from the house. Last night for example I had to pick up my daughter and her club is so near I can still see home. But after waiting for a couple of minutes I had to lean against a lamppost for support as I was starting to sway and my legs were weak. That is what anxiety does. Everyone has felt it when they get a fright but if you get a big fright it is worse and so imagine having a big fright constantly and how you would feel with a constant terror in the back ground making you feel continually weak. So much so that no matter how much sleep you get you never feel refreshed and from a tired start the body is continually drained with fatigue the whole day long.

But the CBT is still the most important thing in my view. In order to stop this cycle I need to stop one of the two parts. I cannot stop the fatigue with the anxiety rages but if I stop the anxiety then I think that will in turn stop the fatigue. So it is the anxiety I am working hardest on with putting the CBT into practice and trying to be mindful. Even at that the fatigue has to be dealt with in the same way with acceptance or else more fatigue is added. So its building a new habit and it takes time and this is what I am doing and gaining strength little my little with each little new thing I do or distance I extend or staying out longer or whatever else. But these bastards have brought a massive dark cloud over my head which threatens to swamp all the good I have done when really if they left me to it I would be back to work quicker than with their interference because back to work is where I eventually want to be when I am ready to work which I am working hard on. I don't feel at the moment I am ready for work but these cretins who don't know me and have never assessed me and decided I am.