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Sometimes I question my sanity and at other times I question my common sense. Last night there was a beautiful half moon near dark. Well beautiful to the naked eye anyway. For all I love my camera the zoom is not great and the moon was tiny through it. So I thought I would get closer to it by walking up the top of my street to get a clearer photograph. At first I was bemused as to why it was no clearer. Possibly it was because although I had walked about 0.2 miles the moon was still 238,857 miles away. ;)

The Keys

Days, at times, now differ as I try to move out of my comfort zone. Variety brings new challenges. Some good, some bad and some bizarre. Today was one of the strangest. I had my camera in my pocket and pondered for a moment whether I should crouch down to take a photograph of the scene I had found myself in but I didn't. More pressing matters took precedence. I was standing in the middle of a busy roundabout surrounded by streams of cars moving on and off at speed. All the while I was spinning this way and that looking for an opening in the traffic which just was not coming. You see my keys were on the road and I desperately needed them. They were in sight but out of reach.

Normally I'm pretty edgy anyway but here I felt like I was suffocating and my legs were shaking. If I did not get my keys back I could not get back into the house and if I could not get back into the house I would go insane. What didn't help either was that this particular panto was being played out in the full glare of many bemused motorists who must have been worried what I was going to do. It was these kind of thoughts that were plaguing me and fuelling the fear as soon as I realised the ramifications of not having my house keys. All the while my wife was in the car park with the kids. She became impatient and joined me in the middle of the road as we both looked to play chicken with the speeding traffic. Later she told me she was shaking too so not that daft a reaction after all. It was she though who a driver saw and flashed her to get on the road for the keys. Scary stuff but relief in the end. And I might add something that we had a right good laugh about afterwards which released pent up tension.

Earlier my wife had to go to Focus to get some plants and I decided I would go with her. The good thing was that should I have felt the need it was walkable back home. So we drove down, went in, browsed about and came back out with the two kids. It was good. Quite a bit of anxiety and it didn't help for the most part that I was carrying the boy but at times enjoyable. At one point I lost myself in the garden attempting to snap a bee but came back with about 20 out of focus photos- fun trying though. And the good thing about that was that I was so involved in it I was unaware whether there was anyone else around me.

When we came out we put the kids in the car. While I put the boy in I left my car keys, which also has my house keys, on the roof. As I was adjusting the boy's seat I heard my wife clamber over and take the keys off the roof before getting in and starting the engine. So we were then off home. Going around the roundabout my wife heard a noise and I said it was probably just the plants moving around in the boot. Then when we got home I discovered that my wife was in fact using the other set of car keys and had not taken the keys off the roof as I thought. For once we shared the panic as we dashed back in the car and tried to locate the missing keys. And there they were on the road at the roundabout where countless vehicles were running over them.

A bit of an unusual day but a welcome break from the monotony. It has given me the appetite to get out somewhere tomorrow again during the day. More so since the dual carriageway will be closed this week again so day time seems as good as any for a drive.

On the trail

I was there and yet not there. Seeing something for so long and finally in that moment can do that. Waiting for so long with little hope to find yourself arrived has an unreal feeling to it. In fact I'd gone beyond what I'd hoped for. In a small woodland where lies a beautiful nature trail I stood at a tiny bridge watching the stream rush. The noise was astounding. The water echoed within the close confines of the tree. But for the whether I could have been on another continent rather than just over a mile from home. My only regret is that I forgot to put my hand in the water. Alone with no one to bother me and at one some what with nature in its sights and sounds all I had to do was put my hand in the crystal clear cold. Never mind I will do it next time.

I'd actually come for the above, that is down to the David Livingstone centre. The brilliant bronze monument to the explorer was what I wanted to photograph and finally today I managed it. I went in the car for the first time down there during the day fighting anxiety all the way with my wife driving and my son in the back with the daughters at school and nursery. I fought the urge to turn back as we sat in the car park, fought the urge to run back to the car when we were out and finally all seemed tranquil as I relaxed. I had my snap in the bag but we ventured further through droplets of rain.

Now that the boy can walk we allowed him to take the lead as my wife and I walked down to the Globe Fountain. It would be beautiful if the water did not look like a sewer- possibly something to do with cutbacks after the recent threat of closure. Unfortunately also the fountain was not on which was a pity but again probably cost cutting. Nice all the same.

Then I went a-wandering along the nature trail on my own my my wife looked after the boy, as described above. It was so peaceful I could have stayed there for longer and hopefully some time in the future will. A couple of momentary dizzy moments apart I had no anxiety and felt very relaxed. My wife also enjoyed it and the boy made his feelings known with a constant volley of happy shouting. Afterwards we drove to the nursery and picked up my daughter which topped off a perfect afternoon. Not one of the better days, the best day in a long while. I'm tired now but also content. Below are a couple of more photos from the nature trail which I hope to find out more about on a second visit and venture further in too as I only skimmed the top.

Restless solitude

For the immediate future there is no peace to be found, that is my conclusion. So I can either stress about it or accept it. Whatever I do its not going to change so I'm laying down my arms. I can't remember if there was a time when I was truly at peace. Maybe that in itself is an illusion that keeps me fretting, a perversity in my nature. Continually I am chasing rainbows which is futile and tiring. But that is not to say I am giving up. On the contrary I am still going to keep pushing forward but while I do I also have to develop a different mindset to my current habitually negativity mind machine. I have to carve in stone the understanding that this dark place I live is in a large part my own creation.

Over the course of however long I have struggled with the reverberations of my nerves being rapidly twanged like the strings on a Flamenco guitar and I have built alternative realities. Scenarios have been created which are false. Situations have arisen which cause fear when in fact they are all part of the bigger whole. Contemplating this week I have realised just how ridiculous this is. For the best part of this week I am alone at home and that is a scenario which causes my anxiety to rise as I become restless in solitude. On Friday I will become the stressful father as my family return home and my wife goes for a night out leaving me with the children. Two scenarios which in my head are going to cause me to become anxious but both are of my own making. I am anxious anyway and these are just structures to run away from.

The truth is I am always anxious. There is no situation where I am calm and relaxed. This is what I have to come to terms with. This is what I have to make my understanding without clouding it with terrifying visions of the yet to happen. The only purpose served by creating fearful scenarios is the cementing of apprehension. Wherever I am on the inside I am the same and it is only the external which changes. It is my fear of that change which disrupts the inside as I buy into my own self made horrors. It makes me wonder that if I were blind would I be anxious? If not then surely I must be the one perpetuating this myth of an attack.

I am an anxious person from waking until sleep. This is who I am. That is the truth I must learn to live with and stop myself falling into the trap that it is a variety of different situations I am forced into that is making me this way. Possibly only then will I find the peace I was searching for and also discover that it is not what I was seeking at all but something very different that only transpires through that much used word 'acceptance'. While my thoughts whizz like a humming top through every moment of consciousness it is difficult to hold on to those moments of clarity so I must keep reminding myself of it until it becomes habitual and the walls of this judgemental prison that have kept me imprisoned for so long are eroded.

Down to the bridge

Firstly I would like to apologise for the quality of the images in this post. Not what I hoped for but I will explain why later. They are so different from the ones I had in my mind. Well to be honest I had only one photograph in my mind. It has been building for a while now as I have been doing my drives. At night I always go under Bothwell Bridge. Or more precisely I go under the new bridge and can see the old historic bridge as I pass back and forth. The later at night I have driven the more often I have seen the bridge lit up in its splendour but with no way of getting to it- I cannot just stop the car on the dual carriageway. The bridge is not always lit and its not always the same when it is lit. Sometimes its blue underneath, red on top, white, partly green or a combination. In my head I have had an image taken close up in the dark which would provide a beautiful sight. In my head is where that will stay.

By road the bridge is 1.1 miles away roughly. That is a round trip of over 2 miles which is way out of my league. As yet I have to reach a 1 mile walk so walking was out of the question. I've spent hours looking over this map for places to park the car so I could walk to it but cannot find any. It is a shame that this is the case. Finally though last night I got the urge again. Having looked over the map yet again I decided that if I drove from my house, point A, to the slip road on the dual carriageway, B, I could then walk to a point where I would be able to take a photograph of the bridge, point C. I would have to do this in the dark to get the best effect, I thought, which wasn't a problem, or so I thought. Then measuring it up I found the walk itself would take a mile which is longer than I had walked before and on top of a drive that would already make me anxious it would appear an unlikely venture. But I had the urge so thought to myself I would at least make an attempt to see how far I could get.

Recently I have been reading of a few people feeling exhaustion. I know this feeling as I've had it before too but it is easy to make light of it when it is gone. Yesterday for some strange reason around mid-afternoon I was hit with a wave and struggling to keep my eyes open. In that agitated state where the mind is too awake with thoughts running like the Large Hadron Collider and the lifeless body just wanting to sleep it made for a long day. The last thing I wanted to do was go out but for some unknown reason I was also feeling compelled to. This was the first time I felt this way where I wanted nothing more than to stay indoors but at the same time had an overwhelming urge to go out and push myself. I guess that image in my head of the perfect photo was the major factor as I do get quite obsessive thoughts when I want to do something to the point that I have to do it to get some peace.

I got out in the car and drove up the dual carriageway taking the first slip road back off again. I've only been back driving 5 days and although its getting easier I am still very anxious in the car. Not knowing what to expect I found myself in an unlit little area where I parked the car. You can just about make it out in the photo above. Ironically the only thing that was clear was the one thing I had to smudge- the number plate. It was that dark- though my camera problems will become apparent later. The thought of leaving the car here did not temper the anxiety much as images of coming back to a smashed up car or it not being there filled my head. I had no time to think though. The more thinking I did the more likely I was to jump back in the car and head home so off I went walking into the unknown.

Looking at the map it all looked so simple. It was a straight path down to the bridge and depending on the layout I may not even have to go all the way down to get a photograph, I had thought. In reality it was a different prospect altogether. A narrow solitary path who's end disappeared from view. It was well lit though but if some nutter popped out behind me I was cut off or if there were some alcoholics or other problem people ahead I was in real trouble. I hadn't thought about that looking at the map. Even in day time this would be a bit worrying alone but at night it was more menacing. The further I got from the car the more I wanted to head back.



It seemed this path was never ending. The further I went the more trees enclosed and the lights disappeared. At some point the wall at my side vanished. It got more and more narrow and claustrophobic. What the hell was I doing this for? On hindsight it was stupidity. Even if I had no anxiety problems at all is this the kind of lonesome night journey a sane person would enjoy doing? Of course not. My wife later would get very angry at home because I had put myself in a potentially dangerous position without even telling her where I was going. As time passed she worried more and had no way of contacting me as I hadn't charged my phone. My folly was realised when I started to run out of breath and the path began to decline. I knew it was time to head back. But of course I didn't and instead pushed on. There should have been something liberating in that moment but there was not. It was more a growing regret that an obsession could keep pushing me deeper into my panic.

Everything was getting darker and I noticed my steps were all over the place as if I was staggering and swaying like a drunk. It was all a little disorientating as the horizon was gone and my fears pushed me in all directions. The anxiety was turning to panic and I had to fight it constantly. In almost complete black I could hear water running to my left. Very faintly I could make out the river. I must be close. There were some paths leading into the void but that was out of the question. Still I could not see the illuminated bridge so I had to push on. I did though see the new bridge. Amid the growing turmoil in my head I wondered how near it was to the old bridge forgetting completely that it is attached to it. It is impossible to think straight in such a state.



Finally I go the spot and here is where it all fell apart. I thought my planning had been meticulous but it had not up to this point and completely went to pot at that moment. The bridge itself, disappointingly, was not illuminated. It had a little bit of green light on it but nothing like the splendour I had previously seen, if you squint enough you might just see it in the image above. Regardless though I was taking a photo. I took a few and they were all terrible. It suddenly hit me that I had not set up the camera. God only knows what setting it was on. It has settings for night and even fireworks but I had left it on portrait or something like that. It was at the point where I tried to find the right setting that panic struck me. Not only were my arms and hands shaking, which I had been fighting against, but my neck started to shake which is the sure sign of a biggy. My futile attempts to find the right setting ended abruptly as I realised I now had to flee- as quickly as someone who cannot run can. The dial with all its letters signifying something was meaningless anyway now and the buttons made no more sense.

It was, I have to say, horrendous. I was scared out of my whits and shaking so much that I could hardly control myself as I tried to escape as fast as I could. Everything was too close and my sight was blurry. As the chest started to tighten each protracted inhale and exhale began to hurt and felt like there was nothing but a vacuum within. My mouth dried first and then the throat followed. All I could think of was water and some semblance of an end to this path. At one point I thought I would have to stop as I could hardly breathe and my heart was banging- which is very unusual for me. But how could I sit or lie down in this dark place not knowing what or who was around. So I had to go beyond myself and push further until eventually I got back to the car.


And I did get there but it is not something I will ever do again. As I turned the corner shock filled me as I saw an empty lane with no car in it. A couple of seconds later I realised there was another little lane beside it in the dark where I had actually parked. That little fright was the last as I climbed back into the car panting, soaked in sweat and still very shaky to drive home. Such a wasted opportunity. OK it is maybe courageous but the larger percentage was stupidity. There are no long term benefits to be had from this apart from hopefully a lesson in how not to do things. The poor quality of the photos pains the most though. That could have been avoided and was the easiest part of the night. Instead of worthwhile reminders I am left with a poor interpretation of the night's adventure.