Maze

 

A recurring dream about a Maze. Not ghis one above but I suspect its heavily linked. The one in my dream is green and alive.  This one was from 3 years ago. That in itself I find strange. In the past 18 months to 2 years time has passed to quickly. Something a year and a half ago feels like 3 months ago. But something 3 years ago feels about 6 years ago. I put it down to a bit of a mental meltdown, breakdown maybe, which saw my slow steady recovery go into reverse and left and floor it back the ways. I'll blog about it some time. Its led to a warping of time and genuine memory problems from that period-- where as I said previously we looked after a cat I have no memory of.

Anyway this Maze here has a lot to do with the recurring dream. It's called the "Murray Star Maze" located in the grounds of Scone Palace where I walked to one morning when visiting in-laws up North. It was a wet cold grey day and I did not know about it until I stumbled upon it. And when I did I had the urge to venture in. At this point I was virtually free of agoraphobia but still hit panic when I was in a situation I could not quickly escape. With this in mind I was in two minds about entering but finally did. Long story short I went in, was reluctant to go far, hot disoriented, got panicky, lost, more panicky, out and relief. No idea how long it lasted but I went from walking around the grounds with my camera calmly to heading home straight away.

And this is the dream. It's not the same place each time and never there but always sunny with blue skies and rich green hedges. I am anxiety free, normal again. No fears. I just go in. And I wonder and I start to get lost and I try yo work it out then I remember what I am. I panic. I run. I clamber and kick and pull. I never escape, I usually wake. I'm not sure what the point is. At a guess it's my mind in slumber trying to resolve that previous panic episode. 

Enchiladas

 

My wife has been the main cook over the years for the kids and while that remains the case I am at least taking some turns now. And by that I am talking about meals from virtually scratch. Of course I can stick a pizza in the oven, put a ready meal in the microwave or make fish fingers, beans and chips. I do my share there as well as breakfasts and lunches. I've not though tended to make something rather than cook it or reheat it. Partly that is because the kids all eat different things but it's more the case I have always been hopeless in that regard going right back to some glorious disasters in home economics at high school. My wife on the other hand will occasionally serve up spaghetti bolognaise, sausage casserole, homemade soup or something.

To be honest I'm not in favour of giving kids a virtual menu at dinner time. I grew up with one meal for all and if you didn't like it you still tried to eat it or went hungry. Beef olives were a particular dislike- the texture was not my favourite. I remember mixing my turnip with mash and peas to hide the taste of the former. Things like that. Me, my 2 siblings and my parents all ate the same thing at the same time at a table. Not the case today.

Making one meal for all is do rare it virtually never happens but tonight I managed to feed three quarters if the virtually the same thing. I've made my wife Enchiladas a few times, the youngest girl once and neither of the other two. Tonight I had hoped to make them for all but as the boy doesn't like them he had hot dogs. And while I fed the other three I had to make quorn ones for my vegetarian wife as opposed to chicken for the girls and had to do one without tomatoes as youngest girl doesn't like them. Not straight forward in a small kitchen with not much work surface but I got there in the end. They seemed to enjoy them. 

I love Mexican food despite not liking peppers but that is the benefit of making your own. Strangely though I virtually never cook things for myself any more. I used to but for reasons unknown when I make things up I tend to lose my appetite. Even when that is food I love. So really I have to eat early before I cook for others. It never used to be the case but it is now. I do actually enjoy cooking though. Nothing complicated, just the simple stuff. 

Documentary

  

I have found myself lately on a binge of documentaries which I make no apologies for. I can't get enough if I'm honest. I prefer them to dramas even though there are a few good options in that field. In fact I'd go as far as to say TV has never been better. Yes there is probably too much and yes there are some really poor offerings but that is very subjective. I'd rather watch "Into the inferno" for example rather than "Love Island" but I also know I am in the minority there despite the beauty of Werner Herzog's film against something which I would imagine is its polar opposite. In recent years it has drawn directors like David Lynch, Oliver Stone, Martin Scorsese and others to the small screen. It may be hard to find sometimes with so much choice but I really do feel there are some brilliant offerings out there.

Anyway it's documentaries which have been holding my gaze these past few weeks. There is no doubt that when Netflix decided to stop relying on other people's productions and started making their own it has led to a boom in new TV offerings. Not just because they were making their own much like the BBC and others have done for years but because their competitors did the same. Sky, Amazon, Apple and others all making original TV. Netflix in particular have made some really fantastic documentaries in the past few years that have really kept me gripped. Too many to mention.

Lately though I have turned to the BBC. It started with a recommendation to watch a Storyville episode about the National Enquirer. Really interesting from the mafia money which started it to the transition from apparent fools to recognised journalists in the OJ trial and subsequent fall again with the death of Lady Diana. It led me to a score of Michael Portillo travels and then to a very moving documentary I had not seen for years about the bombing of Hiroshima. This one in particular I am trying to get the kids to watch this weekend if I can get them off their phones. Last night I watched all 3 hours of the Jonestown tale. Another tragedy but brilliantly and sensitively documented. It has been really enjoyable to take in and at times emotional. 

Weight

 

Coincidence? Fate? Synchrodestiny? I really don't know but I love seeing patterns and noticing trails. I've stumbled over many which makes me think coincidence is too easy an explanation but then what is the alternative? A design for everything?

This trail here for example. Last weekend my wife took the kids up north leaving me with the dog. A day after they came back I went into the bathroom and noticed a set of bathroom scales. We have not had scales for many years which is just as well as I got very obsessed with weight at one time. And that thought took me to another time long ago when I read a few Michael Palin books following his travels. One was "A Hemingway adventure" and in that a Palin apparently visited Hemingway's last abode where he ended things. In the bathroom Hemingway had shown a similar weight obsession weighing himself every day and noting these on the wall.

As I said my obsession was similar though j wrote weights in a notebook rather than straight onto the wall. From 2009 to 2015 I recorded my weight worryingly as each of those years I appeared to be losing pounds. The early notes were around 12.5 stone but by 2014 it was more than a stone lighter. Maybe not s worry in itself but when I got ill just before the anxiety problems started I went from 14 stone or there abouts to 12.5 in a couple of months. I could not put weight on and deliberately ate more than I should in an attempt to stop losing more. In 2015 when I stopped smoking that changed. As the imagd shows above being underweight is no longer an issue.

Anyway it got me thinking to that book which then got me thinking about how I'd never seen the series it was based on. A quick check informed me it was made in 1999. Then I saw a link which I clicked and which took me to the BBC iplayer. Incredibly the 4 part series is there available to view. Strange that I have been viewing documentaries on that very site and there within was another to watch sparked by a rogue purchase from my wife. My weekend viewing is sorted. 

Lurgy

 

I won't say I wasn't a little concerned because I was when I woke the other day with a sore throat. Proper sore throat with burning all the way from the back to the right inner ear. Then the stinging sore eyes. And finally a beauty of a headache which has persisted for 2 days now. In that short space the dog has found a more frequent high pitched and overall piercing bark which is like a further mallet to the mullet each time. Not fun times. Concern initially of course. Kids back to school. 'R' number rising as a result. Clusters being reported here there and everywhere. I think anyone has a right at the moment for concern but now I am less so.

There are two things. The main thing is that, finally, I remembered this is how it usually is. When the kids return to school after summer it usually brings with it the lurgy as they all meet up in one building to pass their germs and bring them home. I am sure that is all it is this time. There is one small other possibility and that is a few times now when I have restarted my walks I have started to get illness symptoms--headaches being the main one. Not always though. What I have learned is though to rule it out I have to lay off the walks for a few days. That is what I will do.

Feeling under the weather but its nothing new this time of year. I'll get under the duvet for a bit and watch some more TV to recharge. 

Companion

 

Walking alone can be monotonous- for everyone. That is why most solo walkers can usually be found talking to someone on their phone or more often listening to music via headphones. I remember Stephen Fry saying once that when he went for long walks he usually listened to an audio book. No on e really likes walking alone generally but it does have its place. Sometimes you just need to clear your head and sort things out. Sometimes not. I love music. That would be my choice if it was a choice. It's not though. I can sit on the sofa and spend hours listening to music. Not outdoors though. It irritates me and agitates me. There is no enjoyment so I don't. 

It goes back to the onset of anxiety in my last job some time ago. For years I listened to music in the car going to work and coming back. I had stacks of CDs. A single journey could take from 45 to 90 minutes but sometimes even up to double the latter so plenty of time. In the last 6 months of work though music started to annoy me in the car to the point I turned it off and listened to the radio. This started as a continual swap until the radio became the norm. Then that bothered me so I swapped the stations I liked for classical music to calm me. It did fof a bit but that became irritating to do then it was talk shows and finally silence.

That hasn't changed. My worst time in the car a few years ago was with the kids music blaring and while they danced about happy I just wanted out the moving car, I wanted to scream. It was like a constant resonating in my nerves driving me to distraction. Walking is no different. I tried it and its not working. Besides that if it worked it would be a crutch and counterproductive to self help. 

Any way with this in mind I decided to take pup with me on my walk today for company. Not a good idea. My walk was shorter than it should have been, my arm was sore from dragging him and instead of burning off any angst I felt charged up with stress. It's not his fault and furthermore the last 10 minutes were a joy. It makes me wonder if I have to tire him out yo get him to settle or if its simply a case of the longer he is out the more used to sounds and movement he gets. I've not written it off completely but got my own development ill have to fly solo most days. That would be a shame longer term given the need for u as both to get out. Its still early days though. 

School

  

It's been a long time coming but finally school returned last week and the boy spent his first day at high school. Excitement meant it was a night of not much sleep for him but unbelievable thunder and lightening meant we all didn't get much either. My wife predicted long ago that we would again have a poor summer and then the weather would improve when the kids went back. It did get better right at the end but the hottest day was kept for the school return day.

As hot as it was the rain over night from the storms caused havoc with flooding on the East Coast opposite from us. This unfortunately resulted in a train derailment up north resulting in 3 deaths. Thankfully train accidents are rare these days in the UK. I mention it as it did bring back memories of the crash I was on when I was just the same age as my oldest, 17. Tragic. The only positive was the train was sparsely populated. A full train would have been a different story. But to relatives and friends that 1 death is as hard as 1000. Its not something that happens too often thankfully.

It doesn't feel like 7 years since I took a photo of the boy on his first day at primary, posted below. Now the oldest has left schooling and her sister will leave next year. Time really is racing by too quickly. We now no longer have to go to the primary school. Very much the end of an era. Its a shame for my son and all those other kids who after 7 years of school did not get to celebrate its end. The kids' school do shirts that everyone signs and other things to mark the end. Because of COVID19 they didn't get that. Luckily the pandemic came after their school trip as that would have been a shame to miss too. Upwards and onwards though. Hopefully high school will bring better times ahead. 

Sitting out

 

The last week has felt like the start of summer even though its very much the end. It was nice just to get out in the fresh air for a bit and let the dog get out of those 4 walls. As nice as it has been I don't tend to sit out for long. We don't have a fenced garden so we are exposed to the rest of the world. Mostly its OK but I've had some issues in the past. On the day above I'd taken the dog on a short walk but had to come back via a communal area to avoid someone who insists on trying to have a conversation while dog barks drown them out. On leaving this area I felt an acute pain on my knee which I rubbed. It wasn't until I got in indoors I saw the sore area was red and swollen. It felt like a sting but looked like a bite. I still have no idea what it was. Numerous applications of Germolene finally reduced both swelling and redness but it's not gone completely. That was enough to stop me sitting out. It panicked me. I feared I'd have to go to hospital. I can't go. That dilemma kept panic going until I started to see the area getting better. I do need to get a grip at times.

That did not stop me though as I sat out on days after- it was too nice not to. Mostly it was fine. No bites or stings. Very few passers by. But there is always one. One woman approached with small talk. I'm not a fan but don't have a problem normally. When the dog started going nuts though and I basically had to pin him down I did start to get angry when she just kept standing close and talking. Finally though the penny dropped and to her credit she apologised and walked off. By that time though my arm was full of cuts. Not intentional by the dog and nor by the passer by but just always seems to happen. And that was enough to lose my appetite and head back indoors. I do wish the dog was better around people but it doesn't feel like it is going to change. He is scared not aggressive. He shakes and sort of shivers at the moment. Its a shame for him. I just wish I could help him/

I do miss not having a garden. It would be great if the dog could roam and run unchained. The kids refuse to sit out as they feel to exposed. It's far from perfect but it is something. Some people have less, some have nothing. Thankfully in Scotland the weather is not usually good enough for it to matter too much. It was though nice this week just to get some rays even if it was in fits and starts. 

COVID19

 

It did sort of feel like things were starting to get back to normal. People were back at work. My mate Whatsapped me from Spain where he'd gone to visit his kids. Scotland's clinical director did his final stint on the Saturday football show which had started just before lockdown began. While my wife's work still remains closed her "voluntary" meal deliveries ended today as those shielded souls were now considered able to fend for themselves. Slowly normality returning.

Or maybe not. It looks like flying in and out of the UK freely may have been a bit premature. "Second wave" is the phrase on everyone's lips. There is a certain anxiety creeping up again. My concern is that the fear in the early days of lockdown is forgotten now and that may be the main reason to expect the dreadful inevitable unfortunately.

Regret

It was about 6 weeks ago I suppose but in lockdown its hard to tell. My wife had come in from her deliveries and I was occupied doing something when I was aware of her saying something. All I heard was: auntie, uncle and died. What? So she repeated again: Your aunt M died in 2012 and your Uncle R died in 2013. Shock. Not the best delivery it has to be said. It toom me back to when my mum came home unannounced one day from work and announced by uncle was dead- totally out the blue as he was on 40 and lived over the road from me. This had the same shock. It hit me harder than I ever thought it would. Talking to my brother later he said the same thing.

When my gran died in 2004 it was the end of an era. I was not comfortable with it. I missed my gran of course who I loved dearly and had been an ever present in my life for all of memory. She had been the last left in that house. My granda died there in 1984 and then my uncle in 1995. As I said above he was only 40. It was like losing one every decade so maybe I should have expected another 10 years later. But with my gran's passing the base that was her home too was gone and it would be the break up of family. My gran painstakingly left a will that she thought would stop any problems between her 3 remaining boys once she was gone. Sadly on the day of her cremation I waved off the oldest and his wife knowing I'd likely never see them again and presuming they were oblivious to it. Too many things had passed between the brothers over years and they parted ways.

And so it came to be that I never will see them again. I just always thought they would be there until I got that news
In truth I have lived in such an anxiety bubble I have cared little for anything outside it. It turns out they lived just 7 miles away. In the early days we exchanged Christmas cards but that stopped over the years. If I'd not had these anxiety problems it would have been different. I had a lot of time for both of them and would have gone through to see them. Just not to be and that is a regret I will have to live with.

The photo above is the 2 of them with my gran. Possibly early 70s. Better days.