064 Scaredy

 

" Scaredy "

Continuing the book theme I move from fiction to fact. Around Christmas time I bought 4 dog related books and like some people do I somehow thought owning the books was as good as reading them. I have wasted so much money over the years in this way. When I could afford it I spent hundreds of pounds on computer related books which I justified at the time as being work related but they were more like expensive ornaments. I had about 10 books on playing guitar but never struck a chord. I could go on.

So 4 books purchased and unread with a prayer that the dog would become the perfect family pet as a result- no surprise that he did not. "Mine" was bought for my wife who said she would read it but didn't do I finally read that the other day but not really methods that work for our dog. I got the first 2 books in a 3 book set but still have not gotten around to them so I am fully to blame for that. And the same hoes for this one which I read about after buying the other 3 and wished I'd seen this first but still not enough to read it in the year following. I do have to say though it's not as straight forward as it sounds. The lady 2 years have been heavy on anxiety and large dozens of the dark frozen sweat of dread. In these states I cannot focus, my mind invariably keeps getting sucked into the abyss. And when not I tend to seek out escapism which is not found in training manuals. That has not changed but I'm determined to give this a go regardless for the dog's sake.

This book seems to fit our situation. It concerns scared dogs and that is what he is. We need to gain his trust and then hopefully help him outside. The reviews look promising. The blurb looks like a git. Only time will tell though. Maybe even just having an understanding about why our dog is reactive may help. I seem though to have spent my whole adult life reading some sort of education which gets harder with age to retain. That is my experience at least. 

063 Reading

 

" Reading "

I have a Kindle full of books purchased from a long time ago right up until today. I have the hunger to read them but that hunger quickly gets buried by the desire to do other things. For example lately I have been paying for the few books I have purchased by earning credits playing games which take up so much time there is no brain power left to read. The appetite though is growing stronger. Today I started to feel a real connection to that appetite from a time past. I feel a lice of reading again breaking through gaming, Netflix and other distractions.

Above are 6 of the most recent books purchased over the last 3 years. I have bought guides and other books in this time but here I am referring solely to fiction. An indication that I have not been reading much in that time nor had the inclination. The first in the list I bought 3 years of so ago. It was my first book purchase in a long time done solely on the recommendation of an old friend. I started reading it on holiday but lost interest. Not because of the content. I just was not in that reading zone. In felt like a chore. I didn't enjoy the process of forcing myself to read. I will though go back to it.

The second book is a complete mystery. Thankfully my Amazon history tells me it was purchased a year ago yesterday strangely. I have no idea though what it's about, what led me to it or why I bought it. I don't like when that happens. I think if I searched enough I could find out but I won't.

The other 4 were bought this weekend. What happened was a rogue thought. I read about an upcoming film based on Frank Herbert's "Dune". Not a book I was ever interested in nor the previous film by David Lynch- who I do like. My impression of that was a desert and big worms which led to me never watching it. Anyway I got to thinking the book must have something about it given its popularity so decided I would read it. I therefore went to buy the book but when I saw it was £5.99 I decided not to. Its an old book so the inflated price is no doubt down to Denis Villeneuve's film being released at the end of the year. I'll wait.

But I did get a book. Equally old I had a desire to buy Jack London's "Sea Wolf". This is a real favourite of mind but its so long since I read it I can't remember much about it. I really do want to read it again. And while there tgd Kerouac book caught my eye. I had a lot of his books years ago and loved them. Whether it was about his life or his friend Neal Cassidy it was always captivating. Two books involving the sea maybe connects with my ancestral past. My family have a long connection with the sea. And talking of old books I have never read "1984", always wanted to and at 74p now I will. The last book on the list was one I found out about today which sounded really interesting. It's about composer Shostakovich and the seige of Lenningrad.

At least it is my intention to read all these soon. There are though lots of books with the same intention unread. I wonder whether that is the format. Years ago I had tons of physical books but very few unread. It's cerh easy to purchase books instantly and then even easier to ignore them when they are not taking up room on a shelf. 

062 Alone again

 

" Alone again "

Normally I enjoy my own company more than in the company of others so with my wife and kids away this weekend I am fairly relaxed. More so because of lockdown. Its not condusive to harmony to have 5 people and an unsociable dog stuck in a small flat for months. We all need a break fro. One another and I am sure many can relate. This weekend though I feel I am missing out. Nothing I can do about it but really do wish I could be up north too.

My wife is staying with her friend who has 3 girls so all 6 kids should have a good time in each others company. My wife is with one of her oldest friends so plenty to get on with there. I meanwhile could have been making thd most of the location. She stays out thd way detached from neighbours and her back garden blends into a woodland with a stream where you can walk for miles undisturbed. I could do with that. Just me, the pup and mt camera in ghd peaceful solitude. Not to be. And this scene is second hand as I have only ever sat in thd car outside. In disappointment we find inspiration to drive ourselves so I am hoping this is the case here. For another day perhaps and today me and pup will just enjoy the silence. 

Maze

 

A recurring dream about a Maze. Not ghis one above but I suspect its heavily linked. The one in my dream is green and alive.  This one was from 3 years ago. That in itself I find strange. In the past 18 months to 2 years time has passed to quickly. Something a year and a half ago feels like 3 months ago. But something 3 years ago feels about 6 years ago. I put it down to a bit of a mental meltdown, breakdown maybe, which saw my slow steady recovery go into reverse and left and floor it back the ways. I'll blog about it some time. Its led to a warping of time and genuine memory problems from that period-- where as I said previously we looked after a cat I have no memory of.

Anyway this Maze here has a lot to do with the recurring dream. It's called the "Murray Star Maze" located in the grounds of Scone Palace where I walked to one morning when visiting in-laws up North. It was a wet cold grey day and I did not know about it until I stumbled upon it. And when I did I had the urge to venture in. At this point I was virtually free of agoraphobia but still hit panic when I was in a situation I could not quickly escape. With this in mind I was in two minds about entering but finally did. Long story short I went in, was reluctant to go far, hot disoriented, got panicky, lost, more panicky, out and relief. No idea how long it lasted but I went from walking around the grounds with my camera calmly to heading home straight away.

And this is the dream. It's not the same place each time and never there but always sunny with blue skies and rich green hedges. I am anxiety free, normal again. No fears. I just go in. And I wonder and I start to get lost and I try yo work it out then I remember what I am. I panic. I run. I clamber and kick and pull. I never escape, I usually wake. I'm not sure what the point is. At a guess it's my mind in slumber trying to resolve that previous panic episode. 

060 Painting

 

" Painting "

I remember years ago, maybe a decade ago, when reading Dr Claire Weekes' book "Self help for your nerves" a passage about a patient who did not have the energy to do anything. So shot were her nerves and so depleted were she as a result that even getting out of a chair was a chore. At the doctor's advice she was asked to paint her fence. Sitting down in a chair at first. A little at a time. And over time this helped. In face I seem to recall she enjoyed it- some sort of self worth from it.

Not for me. I am, or was, a DIY disaster. Despot this 17 years ago I tried to help my wife paint a room and after getting paint on a window pane I was banned from all activity leaving it to my heavily pregnant wife who just wanted me "out from under her feet". About 18 months ago though my wife decided the living room was long overdue a spruce up and for whatever reason I volunteered- lack of self worth and time on my hands I suppose. Two dark grey walls, two light grey walls, white ceiling and white cornices. Then gloss the skirting boards and the door frames. I surprised myself by not only doing a decent job but also enjoying it. I found it very therapeutic. So much so that I set my sights further.

The kids were delighted to have their room brightened up. Not least because of the damp which I managed to treat and then decorate. The hallway was next and then the stairway which was a bit of a saga. I had about 6 coats of navy paint which left a chalky residue if you looked at it the wrong way about 4 coats more of the same colour but different paint which did the same. Then another 4 coats of dark grey which was fine. Bannister, skirting and some other things glossed. Next it was the kitchen which was painted a hot cherry. The biggest job there though was then stripping down all the cabinets and repainting them. They had been covered in a sticky vinyl I had to remove then scrub individually. Because of the surface I then had to use an undercoat and then finally use a roller with gloss on each door levelled out. It looked great when finished but sadly was not built for durability. 

Anyway a bedroom still lies untouched for reasons I'll get yo one day. The other day the oldest took it upon herself to hit out the bathroom and leave it spotless. Incredible job. This gave me the urge to paint this room which I had previously refused to do because it was such a mess. So this will keep me occupied for the next week. I find it calming. I can lose myself. I can even have headphones on with music without it irritating me. I actually enjoy it. If I could get over the agoraphobia again I could even do some jobs for people who don't have the time to or can't be bothered. Possibly. 

Enchiladas

 

My wife has been the main cook over the years for the kids and while that remains the case I am at least taking some turns now. And by that I am talking about meals from virtually scratch. Of course I can stick a pizza in the oven, put a ready meal in the microwave or make fish fingers, beans and chips. I do my share there as well as breakfasts and lunches. I've not though tended to make something rather than cook it or reheat it. Partly that is because the kids all eat different things but it's more the case I have always been hopeless in that regard going right back to some glorious disasters in home economics at high school. My wife on the other hand will occasionally serve up spaghetti bolognaise, sausage casserole, homemade soup or something.

To be honest I'm not in favour of giving kids a virtual menu at dinner time. I grew up with one meal for all and if you didn't like it you still tried to eat it or went hungry. Beef olives were a particular dislike- the texture was not my favourite. I remember mixing my turnip with mash and peas to hide the taste of the former. Things like that. Me, my 2 siblings and my parents all ate the same thing at the same time at a table. Not the case today.

Making one meal for all is do rare it virtually never happens but tonight I managed to feed three quarters if the virtually the same thing. I've made my wife Enchiladas a few times, the youngest girl once and neither of the other two. Tonight I had hoped to make them for all but as the boy doesn't like them he had hot dogs. And while I fed the other three I had to make quorn ones for my vegetarian wife as opposed to chicken for the girls and had to do one without tomatoes as youngest girl doesn't like them. Not straight forward in a small kitchen with not much work surface but I got there in the end. They seemed to enjoy them. 

I love Mexican food despite not liking peppers but that is the benefit of making your own. Strangely though I virtually never cook things for myself any more. I used to but for reasons unknown when I make things up I tend to lose my appetite. Even when that is food I love. So really I have to eat early before I cook for others. It never used to be the case but it is now. I do actually enjoy cooking though. Nothing complicated, just the simple stuff. 

Documentary

  

I have found myself lately on a binge of documentaries which I make no apologies for. I can't get enough if I'm honest. I prefer them to dramas even though there are a few good options in that field. In fact I'd go as far as to say TV has never been better. Yes there is probably too much and yes there are some really poor offerings but that is very subjective. I'd rather watch "Into the inferno" for example rather than "Love Island" but I also know I am in the minority there despite the beauty of Werner Herzog's film against something which I would imagine is its polar opposite. In recent years it has drawn directors like David Lynch, Oliver Stone, Martin Scorsese and others to the small screen. It may be hard to find sometimes with so much choice but I really do feel there are some brilliant offerings out there.

Anyway it's documentaries which have been holding my gaze these past few weeks. There is no doubt that when Netflix decided to stop relying on other people's productions and started making their own it has led to a boom in new TV offerings. Not just because they were making their own much like the BBC and others have done for years but because their competitors did the same. Sky, Amazon, Apple and others all making original TV. Netflix in particular have made some really fantastic documentaries in the past few years that have really kept me gripped. Too many to mention.

Lately though I have turned to the BBC. It started with a recommendation to watch a Storyville episode about the National Enquirer. Really interesting from the mafia money which started it to the transition from apparent fools to recognised journalists in the OJ trial and subsequent fall again with the death of Lady Diana. It led me to a score of Michael Portillo travels and then to a very moving documentary I had not seen for years about the bombing of Hiroshima. This one in particular I am trying to get the kids to watch this weekend if I can get them off their phones. Last night I watched all 3 hours of the Jonestown tale. Another tragedy but brilliantly and sensitively documented. It has been really enjoyable to take in and at times emotional. 

058 Crime

 

" Crime "

The town I live in has a bit of a bad reputation outside of the area- unfairly I feel. I remember when I met my wife and she told me she lived here I had no intention of following without actually knowing anything about it. I don't know where the reputation came from to be honest. When I met with friends a few years ago they had that same negative impression. In truth though I've not had any reason to feel negative of the area really. On the whole it's been OK. But that said I did tell my wife a few days ago I don't want to stay here long term. In fact I want to leave in 4 years when the last kid leaves school. She wants to stay. That is for another day.

Things had been mostly OK but a couple of years ago an idiot came to the door and tried to assault me on the door step. That in itself was not pleasant but not a massive worry. What concerned me more was that the person kept his hands in his jacket pockets making me suspect he was holding something. There have over the past few years been several deaths from stabbings do it did make me think. It was though defused and turned out he'd come to the wrong door. No harm done.

Last weekend a different incident. I heard voices outside I thought and went to the window in time to see someone walking quickly towards our front door. My wife and kids were out with the dog and the door was unlocked. This guy had a hood up just the the last one. I headed to the stairs and turned on the light expecting the door to open. It didn't, I think the light had spooked him. I ran back to the window to see this guy running at speed down the street. No harm done. I went out anyway and then discovered he'd stolen solar lights out the garden. Not the first time. Those, plants, a hanging basket and other things gone. I don't know why my wife bothers. 

Anyway looking out to see three meat wagons wad very unusual. More so when about 10 officers got out and walked up the street to the next block. On Friday there had been a murder a few streets away. I take it this was related. Today a 23 year old man was arrested for the shooting. I'm not sure if the murderer was from the next block. Thankfully its not a regular occurrence but for a small town a little too regular for my liking. 

056 Girvan

 

" Girvan "

The beach at Girvan, Ayrshire. Sand, sea, sky and Ailsa Craig- an uninhabited granite island mined for curling stones and home to Puffins and Gannets. April 2018. I remember it well because it was a total nightmare. This was about 40 minutes after leaving home. That started in panic, increased and just kept coming at me wave after wave. Some how I managed to stick it out. I got here about 5 minutes from the car and took photos to distract me from the panic which had me shaking and short of breath. It took about 2 minutes at most for all of the adrenaline to flush out and calm to descend. A quite incredible feeling. The sea. The sound of the waves. The rhythm. The enormity of it all. Calm.

We were there about 10 minutes and then headed to the car. En route panic flared quicker than it had disappeared. Just a nightmare. No escape from it but as we were heading home I could do nothing but with it out. My wife decided to stop at a supermarket which I was not in favour of but too panicky to argue. I had to get out, go in, walk about, leave, return to car, walk about, back to shop, up sides, down aisles, outside, inside and so on. A blur of agitation. Then we were on the move again. Not for long. Kids were hungry. McDonald's. In, out, around and about walking. Did I want a 99p burger? No. I mean yes. Actually no. And so on. I ate a burger, got back in the car and suddenly another adrenaline flush. I felt my whole tense being relax. I virtually melted into the seat and let my head rest back. Bliss. This time it was for keeps. This time I didn't have to care where we went or how long it took. Normality again like I had been feeling for 2 years. I had stuck it out and pushed through it.

That was two months before my last time away in the car. More panic journeys lfollowed which I got through again until eventually I didn't, couldn't. And that was a big shame because this drive to Girvan had reason behind it. Our long term neighbours were leaving and kindly had paid for a week in Girvan for us. It had been due for this time which would have been perfect but then got put back to October that year. From September onwards I had to put myself through some hellish drives in which I could no longer cope all to get to this holiday. As it turned out I didn't go so was left alone for a week while my wife took the kidd and her parents. Not only did I stay behind but the drives were so bad I had bad after effects which plagued me that week after and beyond. And furthermore it played a major role in stopping me getting in the car again out of town. 

Weight

 

Coincidence? Fate? Synchrodestiny? I really don't know but I love seeing patterns and noticing trails. I've stumbled over many which makes me think coincidence is too easy an explanation but then what is the alternative? A design for everything?

This trail here for example. Last weekend my wife took the kids up north leaving me with the dog. A day after they came back I went into the bathroom and noticed a set of bathroom scales. We have not had scales for many years which is just as well as I got very obsessed with weight at one time. And that thought took me to another time long ago when I read a few Michael Palin books following his travels. One was "A Hemingway adventure" and in that a Palin apparently visited Hemingway's last abode where he ended things. In the bathroom Hemingway had shown a similar weight obsession weighing himself every day and noting these on the wall.

As I said my obsession was similar though j wrote weights in a notebook rather than straight onto the wall. From 2009 to 2015 I recorded my weight worryingly as each of those years I appeared to be losing pounds. The early notes were around 12.5 stone but by 2014 it was more than a stone lighter. Maybe not s worry in itself but when I got ill just before the anxiety problems started I went from 14 stone or there abouts to 12.5 in a couple of months. I could not put weight on and deliberately ate more than I should in an attempt to stop losing more. In 2015 when I stopped smoking that changed. As the imagd shows above being underweight is no longer an issue.

Anyway it got me thinking to that book which then got me thinking about how I'd never seen the series it was based on. A quick check informed me it was made in 1999. Then I saw a link which I clicked and which took me to the BBC iplayer. Incredibly the 4 part series is there available to view. Strange that I have been viewing documentaries on that very site and there within was another to watch sparked by a rogue purchase from my wife. My weekend viewing is sorted. 

Lurgy

 

I won't say I wasn't a little concerned because I was when I woke the other day with a sore throat. Proper sore throat with burning all the way from the back to the right inner ear. Then the stinging sore eyes. And finally a beauty of a headache which has persisted for 2 days now. In that short space the dog has found a more frequent high pitched and overall piercing bark which is like a further mallet to the mullet each time. Not fun times. Concern initially of course. Kids back to school. 'R' number rising as a result. Clusters being reported here there and everywhere. I think anyone has a right at the moment for concern but now I am less so.

There are two things. The main thing is that, finally, I remembered this is how it usually is. When the kids return to school after summer it usually brings with it the lurgy as they all meet up in one building to pass their germs and bring them home. I am sure that is all it is this time. There is one small other possibility and that is a few times now when I have restarted my walks I have started to get illness symptoms--headaches being the main one. Not always though. What I have learned is though to rule it out I have to lay off the walks for a few days. That is what I will do.

Feeling under the weather but its nothing new this time of year. I'll get under the duvet for a bit and watch some more TV to recharge. 

Companion

 

Walking alone can be monotonous- for everyone. That is why most solo walkers can usually be found talking to someone on their phone or more often listening to music via headphones. I remember Stephen Fry saying once that when he went for long walks he usually listened to an audio book. No on e really likes walking alone generally but it does have its place. Sometimes you just need to clear your head and sort things out. Sometimes not. I love music. That would be my choice if it was a choice. It's not though. I can sit on the sofa and spend hours listening to music. Not outdoors though. It irritates me and agitates me. There is no enjoyment so I don't. 

It goes back to the onset of anxiety in my last job some time ago. For years I listened to music in the car going to work and coming back. I had stacks of CDs. A single journey could take from 45 to 90 minutes but sometimes even up to double the latter so plenty of time. In the last 6 months of work though music started to annoy me in the car to the point I turned it off and listened to the radio. This started as a continual swap until the radio became the norm. Then that bothered me so I swapped the stations I liked for classical music to calm me. It did fof a bit but that became irritating to do then it was talk shows and finally silence.

That hasn't changed. My worst time in the car a few years ago was with the kids music blaring and while they danced about happy I just wanted out the moving car, I wanted to scream. It was like a constant resonating in my nerves driving me to distraction. Walking is no different. I tried it and its not working. Besides that if it worked it would be a crutch and counterproductive to self help. 

Any way with this in mind I decided to take pup with me on my walk today for company. Not a good idea. My walk was shorter than it should have been, my arm was sore from dragging him and instead of burning off any angst I felt charged up with stress. It's not his fault and furthermore the last 10 minutes were a joy. It makes me wonder if I have to tire him out yo get him to settle or if its simply a case of the longer he is out the more used to sounds and movement he gets. I've not written it off completely but got my own development ill have to fly solo most days. That would be a shame longer term given the need for u as both to get out. Its still early days though. 

School

  

It's been a long time coming but finally school returned last week and the boy spent his first day at high school. Excitement meant it was a night of not much sleep for him but unbelievable thunder and lightening meant we all didn't get much either. My wife predicted long ago that we would again have a poor summer and then the weather would improve when the kids went back. It did get better right at the end but the hottest day was kept for the school return day.

As hot as it was the rain over night from the storms caused havoc with flooding on the East Coast opposite from us. This unfortunately resulted in a train derailment up north resulting in 3 deaths. Thankfully train accidents are rare these days in the UK. I mention it as it did bring back memories of the crash I was on when I was just the same age as my oldest, 17. Tragic. The only positive was the train was sparsely populated. A full train would have been a different story. But to relatives and friends that 1 death is as hard as 1000. Its not something that happens too often thankfully.

It doesn't feel like 7 years since I took a photo of the boy on his first day at primary, posted below. Now the oldest has left schooling and her sister will leave next year. Time really is racing by too quickly. We now no longer have to go to the primary school. Very much the end of an era. Its a shame for my son and all those other kids who after 7 years of school did not get to celebrate its end. The kids' school do shirts that everyone signs and other things to mark the end. Because of COVID19 they didn't get that. Luckily the pandemic came after their school trip as that would have been a shame to miss too. Upwards and onwards though. Hopefully high school will bring better times ahead. 

051 Pathways

 

" Pathways "

Today I decided to start pushing myself out again, it was well overdue. In truth I have been putting it off because I knew it would not be enjoyable. I mean who can't wait to put themselves into an uncomfortable state which they are going to hate? Also knowing that it's just the first step in a long daily walk of mental torture. The reward somewhere down the line is worth it for sure. That is without question. Were it not then there would be no point in doing it. But the finishing line is out of sight. At best there is always the slightest chance that could come before the year turns but that is unlikely. More probable is that it will take a year or two or possibly more. I just don't know.

Today it wasnt great. My short term goal is 4 miles. In that distance I can do many things I haven't done in the past 18 months or so. I hope to get there by the end of the year but that is not straight forward. Longer term I want to manage 10 mile which was my longest distance a few years ago curbed only by my physical limitations rather than mental ones. 

A year ago I thought I was struggling with walks after starting them up again. I was a little surprised when doing my circuit which I had not done for a while I was having to turn back with bad panic attacks. I knew it was important to at least maintain that before trying to push on. I did that for about a month but then got really physically ill one day which led to a horrendous full blown panic attack. It had been coming. It took a month or so to restart and I found I was even further behind. Shortly after that restart I went over on my ankle and could not walk on it for about 10 days. A second restart saw me even further back and once again a spanner in the works stopped me in my tracks but I cannot remember what it was. There was one more this year but by then we had the dog and that restriction has really set me back. Then came lockdown.

Today I started the first of hopefully many daily walks without the dog. I managed just short of 2 miles but it was hard and so for the next few weeks I will do well just to maintain that. I have pathways to guide me, old routes I want to start walking again. I see them much like the pathways in my head. They were broken but I managed over time to bridge them. Now they are broken again. I must rebuild. One path at a time. The difference in mental terms is a mind of doubts and fears. When I walked 10 miles there was no negative internal dialogue telling me i could not with each step. It took time to hush. It needed the pathways mended and rewritten. Today the voice of warning was loud. Too loud. In time though it will hopefully quiet into silence as I tread new pathways. 

050 To do

 

" To do "

Most people wait until the first day of the new year to implement a new set of resolutions but I can or wait that long. I find myself in a bit of a rut partially due to lockdown but that cannot be used as an excuse. This though is not really a set of resolutions but more a list of intentions if I am intent of moving from this lowly place I find myself now to a better one. The list above is not complete. I will over the course of the next 48-72 hours add to it. For example a bigger place to live, a garden and ultimately better life for the kids. All things are dependant on others and invariably intertwined.

I get easily overwhelmed. I see one big problem rather than the reality of several smaller problems. I need to pick it apart and separate it, deal with each part. I need time to ensure I cover everything and then order them by priority. Once I have a prioritised list I can map out an individual problem and work with it. I just need to sort it all out first for clarity or else I cannot move on. How that pans out I am not sure. I only know this is how I need to do it. I did it before and it worked until I was caught out by things out of my control. That remains an issue. Through lockdown I have been burying my head in the sand but now need to face these things and try to find a solution before it drowns me. 

That is the idea at least. I need to tackle one thing at a time. I need to develop from it a routine and work with it. And I must remember because of this covid19 crisis many people are in the same boat, many more are worse off. Small stones first as Confucius would say. Small steps, small parts, to the bigger good. In time. I do need to be patient and wiser. 

049 News

 

" News "

My early memories are hard to recall. I've heard of people recalling very early memories with some clarity. For me not so much. Not with clarity at least. I have a couple that may be from 4 onwards but vague and with no certainty as to the authenticity never mind which year they took place. The earliest memory I can recall with total certainty was 43 years ago. I see it like it was happening now.

It was the second home I lived at but the first had been in infancy so no recollection of it. It was day time. After lunch possibly heading for tea time. Blue skies, fairly warm. I was in the garden kicking a ball. The garden was a rectangle of grass where the longest sides ran from the house down to a large fence and front gate. A concrete path also ran down splitting the garden about 20-80.on the larger side where I weaved in and out of clothes poles there was s rockery at the bottom. It was the 16th August 1977. I was 5 years old.

The next garden was different. It was completely slabbed and was one big concrete path. A guy called John who was about 17 or 18 was working on his motorbike. He didn't live there usually as it was his aunt and uncles house. I remember all this because of what came next and not a lot after. His aunt came out looking worried and maybe a little upset. She called to get his attention and got it and when she did she said: Elvis is dead. He froze and probably went a little white and silent. "It's on the news", as if to confirm the fact. Tears started to well up in his eyes. Still saying nothing he got up from his kneeling position and quickly moved indoors.

I had no idea what was going on. I knew who Elvis was but no more than that. Another door down was a very old couple, well to me they seemed so, and their daughter Mary Ann used to babysit me. This is the only reason I knew who Elvis was. When she looked after me she would sometimes play music. The problem was she only appeared to own two records. One was "Way down" by Elvis and the other was "Tiger Feet" by Mud. Its strange now I can recall this fact but not much else around the era. I had no idea what the fuss was. Little known to me similar incidents were happening elsewhere in my town, in Scotland, the rest of the UK and all over the world at different times of day. Moments that would live with people for a life time en masse when others faded.

Other events had more of an impact on me personally yet not with the same clarity. I remember being woken from sleep by my dad to tell me the Scotland National Team manager had died after a heart attack at a match in Wales. I remember when we went to war with Argentina. I remember Mandela walking out of prison finally. Terry Waits. So many other things. Nothing with the clarity of 1977.

These things were big. They were powerful. There was nothing more overwhelming than having a program interrupted for a new flash. And it was short and to the point. Now we can watch BBC news 24 or the Sky equivilant to watch things unfold. Not back then. Scant detail and numbness followed. I wonder if that is why today news seems less impressive. A big breaking story now will invariably be delivered first to the phone and just as quickly most will be swiped out of thought. There was a time when time stood still for those short precious moments when each word was important. We were left craving more but then had to wait for the main news or paper for an update. I fear now big stories just don't have tgd same impact. 

048 Toastie

 

" Toastie "

Food again? I suppose so. I was hungry today with not much to feed my tum on the surface of it. My wife and I are though of the opinion that if you have bread you have a chance. In fact we went as far as to agree one night that we could probably get by if we had bread and another cheap ingredient most nights-- and a toaster. In these hot summer days for example a salad sandwich would be enough for me when the sun sucks away the appetite. Other nights or for lunch sausage, bacon or egg between bread would to. With a toaster though fried egg, scrambled egg, beans, cheese, banana and so many other toppings would by fine by me. For my wife and kids honey, jam, Nutella and others do.

Anyway having a look about today in an old cupboard I chanced upon a Breville toaster. It was like a step back in time. Thankfully I had cheese and also white onion, tomatoes too as it happened. I forgot three things. Firstly and most importantly I forgot how good a cheese and onion Toastie was, superb. I really enjoyed it. When I worked I'd have one a few times a week for lunch from a BP garage. It took me back. I also forgot that sizzle of bubbling cheese as the Toastie came to a close and the fight not to dig in early. Lastly I forgot about the mess. More so since my wife prefers a crust less loaf which is a little too short for the Breville so bits of cheese and onion everywhere when it was finished. Worth it though. 

047 Graffiti

 

" Graffiti "

Around my way lately I have been noticing more and more graffiti. Mostly I'm opposed but I also have to admit there have been the odd bits I don't mind. I guess it just depends where and why. Above photo I am on the fence. It's a plain generator which was a bit of an eye sore anyway so why not? I don't look at it and feel any negative feelings, nor positive for that matter.

The ones I don't mind are the ones that contain obvious artistic merit. There are some talented kids doing their thing. I've seen some old lifeless things brought to life in vivid colour with beauty where there was none before or humour or just something to admire. Not a Banksy but something equally personal and meaningful to someone.

Then there is the other side which unfortunately is more widespread - tags. Kids spraying their moniker over the front of community buildings making them uglier or over something nostalgic wiped out in spat ink. Those I hate. Those are the ones sadly that appear in the morning adding nothing to society except irritation. 

046 New normal

 

" New Normal "

The "new normal" has become an overused phrase during the gradual loosening of lockdown but remains a very apt one. Six months ago who would have thought we'd need to do GP appointments over the phone and where a mask to ride on public transport. It's strange. All 3 kids have their own face mask and bottle of sanitizer whether they are going to school or out with friends. Will things ever be the same again? Will we see crowds at sporting events? Will the concert halls ever be full again? We really do not know at this time.

I wonder, maybe hope, that one day we will look back and see it was a massive overreaction. I don't mean that in terms of taking death lightly but looking at the way the likes of Sweden has dealt with things. Again we don't know what was the right way and it's not about points scoring. It would just be nice to think this may pass and one day just be a bad memory- again not for all those who have lost someone. I'm not good at putting this across in the sensitive way I would like but simply I just hope one day this is over and at the moment we don't know if that will be the case. The new normal could possibly just be the normal thge longer it goes on. I hope not. 

Sitting out

 

The last week has felt like the start of summer even though its very much the end. It was nice just to get out in the fresh air for a bit and let the dog get out of those 4 walls. As nice as it has been I don't tend to sit out for long. We don't have a fenced garden so we are exposed to the rest of the world. Mostly its OK but I've had some issues in the past. On the day above I'd taken the dog on a short walk but had to come back via a communal area to avoid someone who insists on trying to have a conversation while dog barks drown them out. On leaving this area I felt an acute pain on my knee which I rubbed. It wasn't until I got in indoors I saw the sore area was red and swollen. It felt like a sting but looked like a bite. I still have no idea what it was. Numerous applications of Germolene finally reduced both swelling and redness but it's not gone completely. That was enough to stop me sitting out. It panicked me. I feared I'd have to go to hospital. I can't go. That dilemma kept panic going until I started to see the area getting better. I do need to get a grip at times.

That did not stop me though as I sat out on days after- it was too nice not to. Mostly it was fine. No bites or stings. Very few passers by. But there is always one. One woman approached with small talk. I'm not a fan but don't have a problem normally. When the dog started going nuts though and I basically had to pin him down I did start to get angry when she just kept standing close and talking. Finally though the penny dropped and to her credit she apologised and walked off. By that time though my arm was full of cuts. Not intentional by the dog and nor by the passer by but just always seems to happen. And that was enough to lose my appetite and head back indoors. I do wish the dog was better around people but it doesn't feel like it is going to change. He is scared not aggressive. He shakes and sort of shivers at the moment. Its a shame for him. I just wish I could help him/

I do miss not having a garden. It would be great if the dog could roam and run unchained. The kids refuse to sit out as they feel to exposed. It's far from perfect but it is something. Some people have less, some have nothing. Thankfully in Scotland the weather is not usually good enough for it to matter too much. It was though nice this week just to get some rays even if it was in fits and starts. 

044 Fitba'

 

" Fitba' "

Football, or fitba' as they say up here, has come under the microscope for the second time in as many weeks due to being headline news for all the wrong reasons. It follows on from when the English game resumed and there were a few high profile cases of footballers doing things they shouldn't have in lockdown. It made many question what planet some of these guys live on which was fair comment but unfairly tarred all footballers with the same brush when 99.9% of them were being responsible and adhering to the rules.

It's no surprise that with Scottish football returning its been a similar scenario. In week one 8 footballers went to a pub after a game and 2 contracted Covid19. Football was given a special privilidge and rightly there was public anger when rules were flaunted. I do feel a little for these guys though. I dare say they were not the only guys out but it was their misfortune to go to a bar that later would be found to be a nucleus for another covid outbreak. And after the threat from the government that football may be shut down if it happened again, it happened again. Today it was revealed that a footballer "nipped over to Spain and back" before joining up with his teammates. Further rule breaking putting more lives in danger. The government though have not entirely carried out their threat. Match postponements are not a punishment never mind a warning. It further highlights how some footballers think they are above the law and selfish with it. 

But this post is not about football but Britain's obsession with it. In all this I heard one voice that asked a question noone else asked. Amid all the bile and hatred towards these selfish souls one ex-manager asked: does anyone know if the guys who caught covid are OK? Beneath all the obsession over the football rights and wrongs everyone had forgotten that two young men had caught a deadly disease. While they called down all sorts of nasties on them one guy asked what should really have been the most important question. Thankfully both are fine. But these people have friends and family who would have been worried when they learned of the news. It annoys me how quickly some have forgotten where we were. That compassion universally for all seems short in supply. 

043 Mine

 

"Mine"

The time has come for me to seek answers in a book as I look to shape this frightened little terror puppy into a family pet if possible. There are two problems as I see it. One is indoors and one outdoors. The former is easy mostly to work around- avoid. Not ideal but early and late walks help. This problem can be looked at later. Much more important is tackling the indoor problem.

Inside the problem is simple- he is possessive and territorial. He's unpredictable. Sometimes he'll let you stroke him and sometimes he won't, he'll snap. We've removed all his toys but the little sod will always find something to guard whether it be a sock or a bit of paper. A while back the vet recommended the above book to my wife and its finally come down to me to buy and read it. So here goes. I'm not hopeful but willing to give it a bash.

I have made one strange observation with regards to his possessiveness. I think my wife and I might be reacted wrongly. We react like he has done something very bad and usually with some justification with a snarling dog snapping, sometimes ripping clothes abs scratching skin. We most certainly react. The girls though act unimpressed and it seems to defuse the situation quickly. Like water off a duck's back they act as if its nothing. For example one daughter dropped a pill on the floor and straight away the dog pounced on it but she grabbed it almost out his mouth while holding him at arm's length and despite the snarling it was over quickly with not a scratch. Maybe there is more wisdom in the children than a book. Time will tell. 

041 Sky

 

"Sky"

Following on from yesterday I'd like to give a mention today to the sky, or more particularly my skyline. Again its a recent thing- noticing the skyline at sunset. Not something I gave much notice to before mainly because we have a sofa each and while my wife's one faces the window my one does not. Actually that is bizarre. My one faces the TV but I don't watch the TV. I do watch TV on my phone and previously on my laptop or a tablet. Not on the big telly though. Maybe we should swap seats.

Our skyline though has changed and that has drawn me in. A few years ago the big ugly empty shopping precinct was partly demolished. The part that went was nearest to us and we did not realise just how much it obstructed until it was gone. We can actually see right up into the town centre now not that there is much to see but it's still nicer than the big brick that was there before. 

We see some really nice skylines now that were not there before. Some lovely sunsets. All sorts of colours in the skies from pinks to blues and varying cloud formations and reflections to perfect unspoiled blue skies. Simple pleasures. It brings about a bit of nostalgia. It takes me back to sitting in my gran's house watching planes take off from and land at Edinburgh Airport. I can't rightly remember the last time I saw a plane in the sky. 

040 Sun

 

"Sun"

Such a big brilliant orange sun tonight lighting up the living room. As always the photo does not do it justice. I really wish we could transfer what we see with the naked eye into a digital memory. Or maybe not. Maybe it's better served as a personal reference in the mind's eye. Let's face it the beauty of a scene is subjective so maybe it is better kept to ourselves.

I have noticed brighter suns in the past decade that I don't remember in the decades before. I don't know if I am being selective in that regard or whether it's to do with where I live or even where my living room has faced over the years when the sun has set. And it is always when it sets that I have noticed it at its brightest. I don't recall that from previous times. Maybe I am just more aware nowadays. 

039 Hotel

"Hotel"

It was five years ago that I stayed overnight in a hotel for the first time in almost a decade. Its a long time now since the last time I did not sleep in my own home and even longer since that time was in a hotel. So long that I can't remember when. I could look back but there is little point, it doesn't matter.

I know its 5 years because my phone reminds me of the fact in an alert. I do love this feature of Google photos. It's nice to reminisce. I'll often hear my wife say to the kids: "do you know 3 years ago we were in...". It's nice. It's nice to remember these things. But in the past 2 years there is not a lot to remember. These older memories though inspire me to push out again. I have a hunger to make new memories to look back on in years to come. 

038 Work

"Work"

The card above was, at one time, to be a secure decent life for the family I was planning to have. It was to be some sort of security earned after a lot of very hard work. Allied with my employment experience I thought I had done enough to keep myself in employment for a long time to come. That was the plan anyway. The card is proof of 3 qualifications I gained from Microsoft which were at the time saught after in the IT sector and jobs paid well as a result. I was sorted. I liked working in IT. At this point I had about 6 years of working in that sector which I got into via an HNC at college. Now I had not 1but 3 industry recognised qualifications. I felt I was well set to provide for my family as the demand for IT professionals far outweighed the bodies looking for work.

Of course it did not work out that way. When it really hit home was 3 years or so ago sitting in the Job Centre trying to keep a lid on a full on panic attack. I'd been asked if I had any qualifications as I applied for job seekers allowance. I replied, 5 O grades, Electronics ONC, Computing HNC, Citrix CEAA and the 3 Microsoft qualifications. Dates? After I gave these the lady wrote: "No Qualifications". Employment? After listing all my previous jobs with dates "no experience" was the verdict. All for nothing.

I realised then what I realise now. Nothing that went before matters. There is only one thing that matters and that is my mental well being. I convinced myself that day I was there to seek work. I actually fantasized about different work places from being a tree surgeon or ranger in a country park to working with big data at a laptop in my own office space. So convinced was I that I had even bought a couple of shirts and ties for interviews. I thought I could wing it. I couldn't. Sitting in panic that day and each time I visited the job centre after I realised work was a pipe dream until I rid myself of panic.

I find myself thinking of work again. It's frustrating. I need to work because I desperately need an income stream. I want to work because I need to feel some kind of self worth again. I am willing to work but my mind is not willing to allow me. It is very frustrating.

COVID19

 

It did sort of feel like things were starting to get back to normal. People were back at work. My mate Whatsapped me from Spain where he'd gone to visit his kids. Scotland's clinical director did his final stint on the Saturday football show which had started just before lockdown began. While my wife's work still remains closed her "voluntary" meal deliveries ended today as those shielded souls were now considered able to fend for themselves. Slowly normality returning.

Or maybe not. It looks like flying in and out of the UK freely may have been a bit premature. "Second wave" is the phrase on everyone's lips. There is a certain anxiety creeping up again. My concern is that the fear in the early days of lockdown is forgotten now and that may be the main reason to expect the dreadful inevitable unfortunately.

037 Perimeter

" Perimeter "

Today was the first time in a while I tested my boundaries and as I feared they are smaller than I would like. I found a spot in the woods a few years back where no one seemed to go and introduced my wife to it. When we got the dog it seemed the perfect place to take him. We don't have a garden and are surrounded by busy roads so he does not get off the lead. Down in that spot though with a 30 foot training lead he can run about virtually free. We are greatful to have it. That said though we have not been down for a couple of months for various reasons.

So we ventured down there today. Its only a mile from home but even at that I was not sure if I'd get all the way there. I was right, I didn't. I was helped by the near monsoon weather. No one around. Just us. Rain calms me. But even at that I started to get more and more anxious the further I went. Finally I stopped, waved off the family and returned home. Not good but expected. If I have any positive from it then it's that as anxious as I was it was not as bad as expected.

It's a start. I expect again the more I do it the easier it will get and the further I will go. I just need to be patient and in time I'll be joining in rather than waving off. When I got home the rest were not far behind. Due to lockdown the way into our special area had become overgrown with nettles and the like to the point they could not get through. Might need a machete next time or a big pair of shears.

036 Meetings

"Meetings"

The summer holidays don't feel like they have started but are in face just about over. This time next day will be the last free day for the kids ahead of a return to school the next day. Well that is the plan at least but it really is changing day to day. If I'm honest I think it's too soon. We are OK but I know of lots of kids who go to elderly relatives after school because their parents are at work and that for me is an unneeded risk. Just my take on it.

My boy had planned to do things with his friends over summer but today was the first opportunity to do so. It was strange to see him put his excitement to one side for a minute while he looked for his face mask and sanitizer. Changing times. I walked him to the point photographed above with the dog and let him go. A photo with his friends would have been more relevant but also more creepy so this will do.

I'm well aware I have been overprotective with all 3 kids even before lockdown but it's just in my makeup. Now they are all st an age where they go and do their own thing. I didn't need to walk the boy there today but he didn't mind and I had to walk the dog anyway. I think all 3 kids are starting to enjoy their independence even if that did take a hit in lockdown. But judging by the amount of bodies in the park today things are pretty much returning back to normal for the kids. They are meeting up in numbers again.

Regret

It was about 6 weeks ago I suppose but in lockdown its hard to tell. My wife had come in from her deliveries and I was occupied doing something when I was aware of her saying something. All I heard was: auntie, uncle and died. What? So she repeated again: Your aunt M died in 2012 and your Uncle R died in 2013. Shock. Not the best delivery it has to be said. It toom me back to when my mum came home unannounced one day from work and announced by uncle was dead- totally out the blue as he was on 40 and lived over the road from me. This had the same shock. It hit me harder than I ever thought it would. Talking to my brother later he said the same thing.

When my gran died in 2004 it was the end of an era. I was not comfortable with it. I missed my gran of course who I loved dearly and had been an ever present in my life for all of memory. She had been the last left in that house. My granda died there in 1984 and then my uncle in 1995. As I said above he was only 40. It was like losing one every decade so maybe I should have expected another 10 years later. But with my gran's passing the base that was her home too was gone and it would be the break up of family. My gran painstakingly left a will that she thought would stop any problems between her 3 remaining boys once she was gone. Sadly on the day of her cremation I waved off the oldest and his wife knowing I'd likely never see them again and presuming they were oblivious to it. Too many things had passed between the brothers over years and they parted ways.

And so it came to be that I never will see them again. I just always thought they would be there until I got that news
In truth I have lived in such an anxiety bubble I have cared little for anything outside it. It turns out they lived just 7 miles away. In the early days we exchanged Christmas cards but that stopped over the years. If I'd not had these anxiety problems it would have been different. I had a lot of time for both of them and would have gone through to see them. Just not to be and that is a regret I will have to live with.

The photo above is the 2 of them with my gran. Possibly early 70s. Better days.

034 Chicken

"Chicken"

Chicken, chicken and more chicken. Don't worry I won't be posting every time we get a bargain from the shops! My wife is a vegetarian so it was unusual to see her arrive home with so much meat. She can't pass a bargain by but there is more to it than that. £1 for a whole cooked chicken and 88p for 2 cooked chicken breasts. Good stuff. But I am 3rd in the pecking order. Top of the tree are the foxes which come every night with the dog a close second. The urban visitors are living well, mince last night. No wonder they keep coming back.

With my wife being vegetarian my options for eating are limited at times. Meals for two are a no go if its meat. And as I like spice and the kids don't there are things which are off limit. Its rare for me to get an Indian take away and even rarer to get Chinese as a result. Mind you I appreciate it all the more as a result.

It did get me thinking about meat. I love chicken and I love bacon. I like the occasional rack of ribs. I'm not so keen on traditional meat cuts like are found at a carvery. But as much as I like I think I could do without. I've noticed more and more when I cook from scratch I make it vegetarian so my wife can have some. Enchiladas and Fajitas have gone down well. Pastas and noodles and some other dishes less so but still eaten. I could though do without meat. I won't because I have no desire to but if I did I realise I could get by fine without it. I'm not a fan of meat substitutes but I could get by on alternatives if needed.