Trepidation

 Trepidation- "A feeling of fear or anxiety about something that MAY happen". 

That is one definition that I read. While looking at synonyms I found alarm, dread, fear, fright, panic and terror. Along with that was an explanation that while all these words mean a painful agitation in the presence or anticipation of danger in the case of trepidation adds to the dread the implications of timidity, trembling and hesitation. That is enough to get on with I feel. There are plenty of words there that evoke stroke negative emotions like DREAD and TERROR. And I know all about them. I experienced them all over a year ago when I had financial difficulties. I woke each morning to early in the dark with a feeling of trepidation. It wasn't nice I can tell you.

But I coped. I coped because there was a reason for it. Eventually I had to accept the situation as it was out of my hands and there was nothing I could do to change that other than pray that I would get a stroke of luck. What happens though when there is no apparent source of this dread? What do you do when these feelings are there when you wake knowing its going to be a hard day ahead but you are now sure why? It happens and its very hard when you have gone a long spell being relatively OK then out of the blue every day is an ordeal. Unfortunately that is the case at the moment for me.

These are the times I was supposed to be getting better but for whatever reason I have gone backward and when I think I cannot go any further back that is exactly what happens. 

What a load of rubbish

 

Our main refuse bins sit outside full- a little less full now after removing bags from a neighbour who keeps filling our bins. The

Unexpected visitor

 I was lying out on the couch pretty relaxed reading a message from an old friend when I put my right hand down to rest on my leg and immediately felt a pain that made me wince. Right on the "karate chop" part of the hand. It felt like one of this pains which although very sore is fleeting. And that is what I expected but it didn't just go. Not only did it not go it got worse. It was like a hot searing pain and in instances I could feel it shoot up my arm. So fear sent my mind into overdrive. The thing I cannot understand is that I was sure it had to have been pierced with something and looked down at my short to see nothing. This is bizarre because of what happened next. 

The pain was a type I could not equate to anything else I remembered in my life. I could not identify with it so it caused fear because without a visible source and a pain I had not experienced my mind started running down lots of dark corridors. And more than that the pain had grown after a few minutes and did not feel like it was going to calm at any point.