As I sit in the living room of a first floor flat looking out of the window at birds in the naked trees, being pulled to one side by a driving wind, I am slightly unsettled by the unfamiliarity of the scene despite seeing it for two decades. Its a cold depressing scene but unfortunately not much better indoors. The nausea, as Sartre would have it. Looking to the grey void above I am filled with an impatience for summer to arrive and rescue me from this bland melancholic period of emptiness.
Maybe I took all those previous summers for granted or maybe its just so long ago I long for it again. Two summers ago I sat out all day and into night with a few beers and the company of a neighbour- my family were away. Last summer I spent it in a hospital ward or a rehabilitation unit seeing the outside only through a window. Why? A moment of extreme stupidity which led to a fall and a bang to the head for my troubles. A sliding doors moment.
Everything was normal and familiar. I got up first in the morning and as the dog needed out I took him. Lead attached and all OK. I walked around the block which takes 10-15 minutes depending on the dog. No problems until our home was in sight. The dog then decided to pull me and ir was a tug of war from there as I was determined not to be dictated to. Then we were home. Up three concrete steps to the front door and internal staircase awaiting. Job done. Sliding doors? To close the door or not before releasing the dog. I left it open as I was sure the dog would shoot upstairs when released- and he did.
What I had not planned for, some how, was how the sudden absence of resistance would send me tumbling backward. It did. As the dog shot up the stairs I stumbled backward catching my heel on the threshold and tumbling backward out the door. I cleared the few steps thankfully but my back took the full impact on the concrete path which was bad enough. It was quickly followed by the back of my head also hitting concrete.
I lay there for what seemed a few minutes on my back. A few people passed and pretended not to see me. I didn't ask for help. I was a little dazed and just gave up I suppose. It must have been a strange scene to see a street, some people walking it and a lone figure lying supine being ignored. Not by everyone thankfully. A teenager next door though happened to appear en route to putting a refuse bag in the outdoor bin. The kind soul thankfully was able to get me to my feet, help me up the outer steps and indoors. After he left shutting the door behind him I felt less exposed and was then able to crawl up the inner staircase, over to the living room couch and up on to the couch- which took way longer than expected. Although I knew full well it was not a good idea to go to sleep I did not care. I went straight to sleep. Sometime later I woke up and everyone else was up. I explained what happened to my wife who took action and half an hour after that I was in an ambulance on my way to the local hospital with my daughter and her boyfriend. I spent the rest of the year there firstly to stabilise me and then the Superhospital, QEUH, for rehabilitation- which is sort of still ongoing but that is a story for later.
All of that though is behind me and I look forward instead. Its a new stage in my life. Not just in the case of my own mental and physical well being but in the lives of my children. In particular the biggest change, scheduled for later this year, is the expected birth of my first grandchild. An event pending which I obviously want to be welcoming while getting in to the best condition I possibly can.
I've had a rough 18 months or so but can be thankful that prior to that I had very little to complain about in my life. I am still on the road to recovery but every day I do feel I am getting stronger. I have memory issues now but I hope my blogging will help with those. I also hope that like previously it will spur me on to push out of my comfort zone. As much as I would love to be out and about taking photos again I have to concede that it is not going to happen any time soon given the last time I was outside was the day an ambulance brought me home. It will happen but it will take time. Baby steps. I have been here before except this time its mental and physical barriers rather than just mental.
I obviously don't know where this road will lead but I do know I am determined to have a good stab at it. This is my life of course. It would be gravely negligent to just give up. And that phrase, "give up", still rings in my ears. I'll get to why in time as its a post on its own to be written another day.
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