About 4 in the morning some time between what should be sleep time and rising. Whatever the time I should be in blissful unconsciousness asleep living out dreams that are better than life. But i am not. Instead I am walking the dark streets with the dog bleary eyed fighting the tiredness outside which disappears indoors.
Later I am sitting up in the dark on the couch staring into space feeling like I cannot breathe. It's trapped wind but its amplified to feel like something more sinister. I should give into sleep but I don't want to. I have this unrealised fear that if I sleep I will wake up smothered and in panic. So I try to stay awake. But awake in the dark all the dreads circulate and I cannot escape. I want to. I want to go out but I don't want to move. At some point I sleep without choosing to and at sometime I wake not crippled by the ails I feared.
It's not all the time. At most once a week. Its irrational but do much of anxiety is. Where the dark is my friend at night it works against me in the morning or in that limbo at least. Like all things though it will pass.
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