129 Walking struggles

 

" Walking struggles "

Walking struggles but also struggles in general. Its come as no surprise as I have seen this show before. As soon as I have to deal with the DWP my anxiety rises and my boundaries tighten. Having taking great delight in pushing out further than I have in a long time I suddenly find these places too far again. It's doubt. Doubt over how to pay bills when my sole source of income is again removed. And I know the staple answer: Get a job benefit scrounging scum. I would gladly and nearly did but for that safety bet being removed prematurely. It's frustrating. Twice I have had to go to a tribunal and twice the judgement has gone in my favour but although the finances were restored the progress lost cannot be restored. And again it looks like at best I have another lengthy battle to prove the same point for a 3rd time but may not even be allowed that.

I won't go on. It is what it is. Right or wrong I cannot change it and even if I can then it will take so long that I will no doubt be virtually housebound again. I just keep trying to put it from my mind but I can't. As soon as I stop manning the ramparts it floods in. My wife asks why I am not doing my cbt which helped before. I can't. I've tried. I sit and look and see letters and words. I see black characters on a white background but they fail to provide the imagery required. I cannot concentrate long enough. I see a string of letters and spaces making words then numbers which are red with a minus and all the rest. I feel cold sweat. I feel darkness running through me. I feel tightness. I can't escape. How can I do cbt?

So I try to push out but it's not happening. Mentally I cannot escape the dog chasing its tail over and over and over ever more. I feel the weight of the world as I walk and I cannot go far so I go home. I am not alone. People are losing their businesses, their jobs, their homes and so much more. I need to try to calm and let it go. For every problem there is a solution. Things sometimes are not as bad as they seem. I just need a break from it for a bit to face it. The past 4 years have been a nightmare but they didn't need to be if I'd thought things through. Mostly though it's t his burying my head in the sand which has kept me stuck. I need to start facing these things. I feel like I am lost in the woods but there are always paths out. I just need to seek them and maybe even look for help doing that rather than trying to do it all alone.