Its that time of year again when 3 letters sees the line graph that was slowly climbing over months plummet to the axis in a single moment. DWP and ESA are the 2 reasons I spent most of Friday on the phone taking very little in and just trying to stay on the phone long enough to finish a call before panic makes me end it. Its like an anxiety rodeo. It's no fun trying to stay on and the longer you stay on the more stress and anxiety build. When the bucking stops it can be mentally dangerous. Nothing stops with the call. Sleepless nights and anxious mornings follow. Dread is constant without resolution. Panic is a threat always.
Anyway I now await news on whether my case can be reopened. It's complicated. If its not reopened then not only can I not get my ESA now under any circumstances but also I cannot claim again because that will be a year of not paying stamps. Its grim for sure. So today I go to the door to find 4 Manila envelopes. More dread. The plan is to put them somewhere, mentally prepare and look next week. It does though mean another week of mental torture but that is better than looking into the probable financial abyss. Or at least that was the plan until I saw the phrase "tax credits". Not ESA. I can breathe again but at some time more envelopes will arrive and I will have to look at them.
A quick recap is surely needed. In 2017 when for the first time in over a decade I was heading towards being fit for work the DWP stopped my money. For most of that year and all of 2018 I had no money coming in and enough financial woes as a result to wipe out years of progress. In December 2018 my appeal was upheld, my ESA was reinstated and a couple of weeks later my ESA was stopped again as the process was restarted. June 2019 it all came to an end. Medical Services wanted a letter from my GP to day why I could not attend a medical. My GP faxed medical services and I heard no more. Stupidly I assumed that act had been enough. Stupidly again I did not check my bank account for a year through fear of finding something I did not want to see. The backdated pay I received at the time meant I could take a break from the anxiety. When I did look I found I had not been paid since June 2019 and my claim was closed.
My own stupidity? 100% it was. The easiest thing to do would have been to look at my bank account in the months after my GP sent the fax and if the repayments had not restarted then contact them. Its easier for me to say that now. I cannot describe in words how draining this process is. I buried my head in the sand hoping everything would be alright because I could not face more dread. Not a proper night of sleep for weeks and months. Disturbed sleep actually. Nightmares. And when you wake and the thoughts are not there it only takes seconds for the dread to creep back in then the cold sweat comes on and you feel some sort of horrible feeling running through you. Yet a call could have stopped it. The unknown brought no relief. But again I just could not face it.
So that is where I am at. I don't like talking about personal stuff like finances but it has played such a part in my anxiety that I have to. If the sleepless nights and constant feeling of impending doom from it were not bad enough it is compounded my my recovery from anxiety disorder being torn to shreds. All my progress has disappeared. I push on though. Its all I can do but I know I am swimming against the tide at the moment.
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