074 The path is never simple

 

" The path is never simple "

Just as things seemed to be going forward far too easily I was given a reminder that the path is never simple. Walking my main route has been anxiety free but this time I had a load of negative yarns to try to ignore along the way. That was part of the problem. The other part is a physical exhaustion and trying to mentally deal with that. This is down to increased exercise but also the recent leap in panic and general anxiety at home. It's draining. I thought I could push through it and even though I was getting more and more anxious I kept heading further from home relying on the numbers. I done well, almost as far as I've been. On the way back though panic started flaring badly. I was able to lower it which is something I could not do years ago but that process was almost continual.

It's hard to describe the fear in those moments. I really should use a dicta phone app to describe it because later it's harder to recall amid the great relief of no longer being there. Most people's idea of panic comes from the most common symptom relating to the heart and rightly this is how it is portrayed in TV and film. My panic though is more like losing it completely and being tipped into a black pit of madness where I am spinning and falling at speed with no end. And fighting that tipping point from high anxiety to full blown panic is like sliding ever closer to that edge while trying not to look. It is 100% mental thought and imagery that induces physically uncomfortable reactions. It is why when people want me to put myself in that state for their own ends I wish I could let them enter that portal for a time to experience it. 

In the real world I am walking home but already the breathing is shallow and rapid. More so since the journey home always seems to be uphill. Will I stop to allow the physical symptoms of effort to ease but then try to deal with the growing mental anguish not getting home brings? I push on. Pushing leads to breathing being more laboured. Tension makes the bones ache and the muscles tires and sore. All the while where all recent walks here have had a monotonous internal monologue over every day things it is now replaced with screeching wailing sirens too deafening to ignore. I check my phone. Not far to go. Keep pushing, keep avoiding looking into the abyss and try to relax the stomach allowing natural breaths. Eventually I'll get through it. Sometimes unscathed to varying degrees. Up until tonight I have been on top of it. Tonight was a concerning reminder that I'm not going to get an easy ride. Its concerning because this flare up is caused by very recent events that I have no control over just like last time so it doesn't matter what I do. I can only hope there is some good news on that front in recent weeks to allow me to focus solely on getting back on track.