081 Morning

 

" Morning "

Panic is at its worse when there is no escape and I am not alone. I have to be thankful that I've had an extended spell where that panic has been foreign but circumstances dictate it is no longer the case. Years ago when the panic attacks started and I became agoraphobic I started to dread mornings. I called it "time anxiety". My general background anxiety level would be high on waking but very gradually decrease over the waking day. It led to me doing walks and drives at night when I felt more calm. It also meant if I woke earlier than I expected too panic set in very quickly and I could not get back to sleep until it passed after a horrible time.

I had forgotten about all this until the past few years when the DWP intervened again, dread set in nightly, panic returned, agoraphobia grew and generally everything worsened. Those mornings started to haunt me again. Not all the time but enough where there was none before. Always a week day. I have been fortunate since the kids have returned to school after lockdown I hadn't had an episode until today.

It's hard to describe how horrible an experience it is. Writing about it from a place of calm I can't quite understand why it's so bad but in the moment it is. On a school day I get up, make a cuppa and take the dog out around 7:45. When I get back my wife has the kids up and is making breakfast. That is it. The same every time. Today though when I got in and sat down I was suddenly filled with morning panic out the blue. I needed to escape somewhere but couldn't. All rooms were either occupied or someone was coming and going. There was no solace outside. And this continual loop kept driving panic higher and higher. I longed to be alone to roll up in a ball. I prayed for it to pass. It was like my mind was spinning around and around and each sound was too loud and each movement too quick. It was like looking into madness, it's a very scary place. At some point it stopped. How long I can't remember. I was just glad it was over but the fear will now be there tomorrow and Monday and so on.

These episodes are horrible when unscheduled. This is why I am extremely reluctant to plan them. That is why I don't want a medical or to sit somewhere I cannot escape from. It's bad enough when it's outwith my control. Why would I want to voluntarily put myself into that dark space. I did it when going to the job centre in the hope that repetition would ease it but it made it worse. I learned that lesson so will not need to be taught it again. It's frustrating to be back in this place again but I have to accept it and just keep doing what I am doing. With patience I'll hopefully get on top of these again. Equally though it is in pushing myself out of my comfort zone that I invite these things but it's all part of the recovery process.