Time Shift

  

Bothwell Bridge is a local landmark I have captured many times. It's not anything spectacular. It is though something a little different nearby. It's quiet-is and a little severe e. It's peaceful mostly. The arera was, and maybe still is, known as the Lido. It used to be a lot bigger before an expressway cut a large chunk out of it. There used to be gardens and flowers. People used up paddle knee deep. Whenever I am down here M uh mind goes back to those old photos I have seen of lots of happy families down here despite always being here alone. It's strange in a way.

Anyway I did not expect yo be here today and certainly not any time soon. I had a walk 2 days ago where I went way further than expected but still a long way off here. I had no time limit on getting here but at the earliest I thought October. I got near expecting fear to kick in, breathing to labour and all the usual stuff but nothing, just normality. I got to the top of the steps. Just a photo. Could not get a clear view. More steps. I was at the bottom. Might as well walk along a bit. All good. Then suddenly a strange feeling.

I looked at some benches. One time they were broken by vandals. Later a community group installed new ones. I remember seeing them for the first time. Impressed. They were still intact. But then this strange feeling: I'd been here recently. I remembered it clearly. If was like deja vu. I'd been here in the past few weeks. Yet I knew it was impossible. It had to be at least 6 months. But as I stood there I was more and more convinced it was days rather than months. Then another weird thing. A question: Am I still agoraphobic? Wow! What was happening. I felt no anxiety. I felt I could push on further. When did I last have to turn back? I could not remember. I sat for a bit watching the river glow, calm.

It was only when I left to head home that things changed. Doubt crept in. Of course I was still agoraphobic. Breathing started labouring. My legs went weak and heavy. My vision started to blur. I began regretting coming so far and all those panic episodes were recalled with it. For a few moments I was in danger of being swamped again. Thankfully though if passed and I g it home gone. I think what has happened there is that because the dog won't go far and the restrictions of lockdown I have not gone far enough this year to panic. That helps but not long term. It was like when I managed to get to Girvan in before lockdown where I was OK until I had to face the road back. 

I'm not sure why I became convinced I'd been there lately. My phone app for walks and my phone's gallery both prove I have not been down there in the last year. I don't know if it's because in the past 5 years I have been there so often or I dreamt it but it felt real. And there was some strange comfort in that.