In my periods away from painting, which is a form of Escapism in truth, I need to escape from the current reality of loose ends that lead to nowhere nice. I am burying my head in the sand not because I can't be bothered to deal with what must be dealt with but because I fear there is no solution to what lies ahead. But it cannot be evaded forever of course. At some point I need to peer over the top and face the inevitable because the clock keeps ticking down.
In the meantime I escape. I put headphones on and paint to block out what keeps running to the front of my mind. When I am not doing that I read, I watch TV and more recently I escape to an alternative reality which does not prevent me sleeping or wake me in that cold dark sweat of dread. I visit worlds wide open away from the enclosed small room with no doors or windows. I find my anxiety lowers for a period of time running around planets building bases to travel between, in a game. As much as I need to face what is coming in the next week I also need to escape in the time between to make sure I am not already drowning when the big wave comes.
The biggest irony is that I have always lived in the belief of something my uncle told: we are great problem solvers. I didn't just take that at face value but looked at my life, my jobs and other aspects of my existence and that bore true. In some ways living by that mantra was enough to wing it at times but I guess you cannot do it forever. That said sometimes things seem worse than they are before exploring all avenues where solutions may lie hidden out of view. That may come yet. For now Ill keep treading water exploring different grounds where I know there is at least short term peace.
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