066 In the rain

 

" In the rain "

I might have gotten soaked to the skin and may well suffer the sniffles in the days to come but it was worth it. I started a new walking regime yesterday and after a surprisingly good first day I was more reluctant this time around. It happens like that. An apprehension to at least match the day before is further compounded by sometimes not feeling as physically ready to do so. That was the case today. But standing at the window trying to muster the enthusiasm to venture out it got dark and the clouds got heavy and then the heavens opened. That was my call. I love walking in the rain. It was such a downpour it washed all the other peoples from the streets and woodland paths leaving me alone to tread. I'll take it every time.

It went well like yesterday and I again noticed how although I am taking a physical exercise it is very much limited by my mental inner negative voice. I ventured much further than I expected yesterday. Not least because I started out with laboured breathing and weak limbs I felt sure would have me scuttling back home quickly. Instead what happened was I got on a mundane train of thought about something and before I realised it I had walked a good deal more than I had previously dared. What had happened is that the internal every day story I had woven and become engrossed in had led me into auto pilot. In this mode I am not checking my physical being gif problems or trying to wrestle back control of my breathing. Instead I allow my subconscious to take control. It drives the bus allowing me to look out of the window at the passing view instead of fighting for control of ghd wheel. This is the normal state. This is how most people walk. Unfortunately at the moment though I cannot choose to do this. This is agoraphobia.

But the point here is that two days from two I have spent large spells in that zone. To me this is proof that all the good I did before is not lost, it was not for nothing. I am hoping this time around any progress will be accelerated. Its not like the couch to 5k which takes a physical progression over time. This is very much continual walking for as long as I can and as far as I can to the point my mind gets so relaxed by tiredness that if stops resisting. When the mind stops resisting it turns to auto pilot. In this mode there is no anxiety over distance. There is no agoraphobia.