056 Girvan

 

" Girvan "

The beach at Girvan, Ayrshire. Sand, sea, sky and Ailsa Craig- an uninhabited granite island mined for curling stones and home to Puffins and Gannets. April 2018. I remember it well because it was a total nightmare. This was about 40 minutes after leaving home. That started in panic, increased and just kept coming at me wave after wave. Some how I managed to stick it out. I got here about 5 minutes from the car and took photos to distract me from the panic which had me shaking and short of breath. It took about 2 minutes at most for all of the adrenaline to flush out and calm to descend. A quite incredible feeling. The sea. The sound of the waves. The rhythm. The enormity of it all. Calm.

We were there about 10 minutes and then headed to the car. En route panic flared quicker than it had disappeared. Just a nightmare. No escape from it but as we were heading home I could do nothing but with it out. My wife decided to stop at a supermarket which I was not in favour of but too panicky to argue. I had to get out, go in, walk about, leave, return to car, walk about, back to shop, up sides, down aisles, outside, inside and so on. A blur of agitation. Then we were on the move again. Not for long. Kids were hungry. McDonald's. In, out, around and about walking. Did I want a 99p burger? No. I mean yes. Actually no. And so on. I ate a burger, got back in the car and suddenly another adrenaline flush. I felt my whole tense being relax. I virtually melted into the seat and let my head rest back. Bliss. This time it was for keeps. This time I didn't have to care where we went or how long it took. Normality again like I had been feeling for 2 years. I had stuck it out and pushed through it.

That was two months before my last time away in the car. More panic journeys lfollowed which I got through again until eventually I didn't, couldn't. And that was a big shame because this drive to Girvan had reason behind it. Our long term neighbours were leaving and kindly had paid for a week in Girvan for us. It had been due for this time which would have been perfect but then got put back to October that year. From September onwards I had to put myself through some hellish drives in which I could no longer cope all to get to this holiday. As it turned out I didn't go so was left alone for a week while my wife took the kidd and her parents. Not only did I stay behind but the drives were so bad I had bad after effects which plagued me that week after and beyond. And furthermore it played a major role in stopping me getting in the car again out of town.