051 Pathways

 

" Pathways "

Today I decided to start pushing myself out again, it was well overdue. In truth I have been putting it off because I knew it would not be enjoyable. I mean who can't wait to put themselves into an uncomfortable state which they are going to hate? Also knowing that it's just the first step in a long daily walk of mental torture. The reward somewhere down the line is worth it for sure. That is without question. Were it not then there would be no point in doing it. But the finishing line is out of sight. At best there is always the slightest chance that could come before the year turns but that is unlikely. More probable is that it will take a year or two or possibly more. I just don't know.

Today it wasnt great. My short term goal is 4 miles. In that distance I can do many things I haven't done in the past 18 months or so. I hope to get there by the end of the year but that is not straight forward. Longer term I want to manage 10 mile which was my longest distance a few years ago curbed only by my physical limitations rather than mental ones. 

A year ago I thought I was struggling with walks after starting them up again. I was a little surprised when doing my circuit which I had not done for a while I was having to turn back with bad panic attacks. I knew it was important to at least maintain that before trying to push on. I did that for about a month but then got really physically ill one day which led to a horrendous full blown panic attack. It had been coming. It took a month or so to restart and I found I was even further behind. Shortly after that restart I went over on my ankle and could not walk on it for about 10 days. A second restart saw me even further back and once again a spanner in the works stopped me in my tracks but I cannot remember what it was. There was one more this year but by then we had the dog and that restriction has really set me back. Then came lockdown.

Today I started the first of hopefully many daily walks without the dog. I managed just short of 2 miles but it was hard and so for the next few weeks I will do well just to maintain that. I have pathways to guide me, old routes I want to start walking again. I see them much like the pathways in my head. They were broken but I managed over time to bridge them. Now they are broken again. I must rebuild. One path at a time. The difference in mental terms is a mind of doubts and fears. When I walked 10 miles there was no negative internal dialogue telling me i could not with each step. It took time to hush. It needed the pathways mended and rewritten. Today the voice of warning was loud. Too loud. In time though it will hopefully quiet into silence as I tread new pathways.