038 Work

"Work"

The card above was, at one time, to be a secure decent life for the family I was planning to have. It was to be some sort of security earned after a lot of very hard work. Allied with my employment experience I thought I had done enough to keep myself in employment for a long time to come. That was the plan anyway. The card is proof of 3 qualifications I gained from Microsoft which were at the time saught after in the IT sector and jobs paid well as a result. I was sorted. I liked working in IT. At this point I had about 6 years of working in that sector which I got into via an HNC at college. Now I had not 1but 3 industry recognised qualifications. I felt I was well set to provide for my family as the demand for IT professionals far outweighed the bodies looking for work.

Of course it did not work out that way. When it really hit home was 3 years or so ago sitting in the Job Centre trying to keep a lid on a full on panic attack. I'd been asked if I had any qualifications as I applied for job seekers allowance. I replied, 5 O grades, Electronics ONC, Computing HNC, Citrix CEAA and the 3 Microsoft qualifications. Dates? After I gave these the lady wrote: "No Qualifications". Employment? After listing all my previous jobs with dates "no experience" was the verdict. All for nothing.

I realised then what I realise now. Nothing that went before matters. There is only one thing that matters and that is my mental well being. I convinced myself that day I was there to seek work. I actually fantasized about different work places from being a tree surgeon or ranger in a country park to working with big data at a laptop in my own office space. So convinced was I that I had even bought a couple of shirts and ties for interviews. I thought I could wing it. I couldn't. Sitting in panic that day and each time I visited the job centre after I realised work was a pipe dream until I rid myself of panic.

I find myself thinking of work again. It's frustrating. I need to work because I desperately need an income stream. I want to work because I need to feel some kind of self worth again. I am willing to work but my mind is not willing to allow me. It is very frustrating.