117 Locked in

 

" Locked in "

I wasn't actually locked in but that didn't matter-- it was the suggestion. I think I've talked about this before because it certainly is not the first time but my memory is so poor I can't remember. Anyway what happened was I went down to the door to take the dog out first thing and could not find my keys. Panic. Irrational fear. It's no fun in that moment but a few minutes later it was over as my keys were in my jacket pocket rather than down at the door. It got me thinking.

We have only one door to get in and out. My anxiety comes from feeling trapped with no means of escape. I can quite easily sit calm with the door locked and even with the keys hidden-as long as I don't know. It is the knowing that is the problem. As soon as I know the situation panic sets in and does not ease until there is an escape. Why? I don't need to leave but knowing I can't is enough to cause my brain to race.

What I realise now is its not new like I thought but instead amplified. I think back to the time me and a work colleague were locked in a flat all day in Edinburgh by mistake. It wasnt a problem for me but for the other guy it was and I even had to talk him out of trying to jump from a first floor window such was his need to escape. I think of the work meeting where I first felt strong anxiety and having to leave the room even though everyone else had no problem staying. I think back to the funeral and the doors shutting and struggling to get through it with my head between my knees in a silent scream. Varying degrees of amplification. 

It makes no sense to me. When I don't need to leave I don't know why it causes panic to know I can't. It's why I can't have an interview or a medical and struggle even in a one to one conversation. It is without doubt the one thing I really need to work on. If I can master that I can get through the panic and be well on my way. I struggle when I am calm to understand why it is so hard but in those scenarios I am overwhelmed quickly if stupidly. I need to crack this. Its sulimilar to the breathing problems to which overwhelm me when calm us all that is needed. I seriously need to sort this.