110 The scream

 

" The scream "

There are two things in art that I feel a connection to in relation to my anxiety problems. One of those is Franz Kafka's short story "Die Verwandlung". Strangely I was talking to my brother about it just yesterday as he has never read it but has an interest at the moment is Surrealism. From the list of books he had in that vein I'd read Kafka's book as well as "Naked Lunch" by William Burroughs when I went through a phase of reading Beat stuff. The other thing is Munch's "The Scream". The image above is my son doing a pose more akin to Kevin in "Home Alone" but with a Munch filter it kind of works. The filter, others and a whole load of great art content can be found in Google's great new free app.

I can relate to that original image in the moment of panic. I don't look like that but it's how I feel I look. It's how everyone with panic disorder feels they look even though really everyone carries on normally and doesn't notice. The person experiencing panic rarely looks different to the untrained eye- my wife started to notice my anxiety level growing by me pulling at the skin on my throat however subtly. This act is a physical manifestation of that unspoken scream. It's the angst. It's the build up with no release.

"The scream" for me is a personification of mental anguish. That may not have been Munch's intention but that does not matter. Its what I see and that is art. Art is our interpretation. And I have seen this face before. I saw it before my first panic attack. My first memory of it was after leaving school and being unemployed. It first surfaced working with my dad. I hated it. I hated the work but I hated this mental phantom that came with it. I could not put my finger on it but I saw it. It was a feeling. A dark horrible feeling like dread that I now experience in panic. Its always been there so I was always susceptible to panic. A number of things unleashed it again and allowed it to stay but it akways been there. I feel now something happened that is now buried and that is what this mental anguish is now. I have a call to make and so far cannot make it because this mental anguish overpowers me. Its my scream. This really is the source I must tackle if I am to be free of this.