I've been lucky in some ways that my anxiety has been mostly controllable in the past year. Lockdown has meant I have not needed to go anywhere so can pick and choose when and where to push out. That was not the case before lockdown. Responsibilities meant sometimes I was forced into situations I did not want to go into. The bulk of these centred around the school runs. On a good day the school run was fine. On a bad day it was not nice. Regardless of what kind of day it was I had to do it. Even if I was panicking before I went out the door I had to go. If I was panicking later I had to force myself to wait for the pick up.
Mornings are hardest when it comes to anxiety. This is because if it turns to a full blown panic attack then that can write off the whole day. The rest of the day could be panic after panic. This morning my daughter had to get the train early and I could not let her go alone so agreed to walk her to the station. When that time came though I was on the verge of panic for reasons unknown. The walk down was nightmarish. I don't think she noticed but I had to continually talk myself out of fleeing. I just wanted to go home. My breathing was shallow, balance was off and I felt physically weak. The dog was being a nightmare too. I got through it but nothing was gained. It did affect me even after I got home. For hours I just lay on the couch staring into space because I felt too hellish to do anything. I could not concentrate and still each deep intake of breath felt like a whisp. Adrenaline kept rushing in cycles. It took a long time to calm. But I did it.
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