Frances

  

When you try not to get too personal but need to for a subject matter it can be quite difficult to find the balance. There are things I think are OK but others might disagree. There are things too personal or even irrelevant. Opinions open to interpretation or biased too much in my own favour. Family can be a minefield in this medium. In the early days I used to post about the kids a lot but they are of an age now where they don't even like their picture being taken so I try to leave them out of it. 

And so I deliberated over this post for a number of reasons but here goes. The kids have been fortunate in that up until last year they had never known loss. They did lose an "aunt" but they had very little contact with her, she was actually their grandfather's aunt and they were too young to feel much of an impact. Last year was different. Last year they lost their maternal grandmother who was a very major figure in their life. She'd had her cancer diagnosis the year before and finally passed away in January of last year surrounded by her immediate family. The drawing above of her with my wife (her 3rd daughter) was drawn by my oldest so very much a 3 generational work.

The kids were devastated but not to the same degree as my wife who is still struggling a year on as they were very close. I don't think she will ever get over it. And I dont think the full impact has hit the kids yet but will in the coming years as she was their for all their major days in their lives. But with lockdown arriving shortly after this surreal limbo in between has meant they have not been up to their grandparents home often. It will take time. 

I will keep my part short and incomplete. I still can't get it into my head she is gone as she was there the last time I went north just like every other time over the past 20+ years. The only time I saw her after her diagnosis was at my home for a short visit one day. I didn't see the cruel deterioration this awful disease brings with it. I wasn't able to attend the funeral and that did not go down well so I have to carry that guilt with me. I also as a result did not get to see me son and his cousin give readings at the funeral which was a remarkable thing. For me she is still there and might always be because there are no guarantees I will ever get back up there. Its hard to process it really. 

What is done is done though and cannot be undone so I accept and move on but I doubt others will be as forgiving. I accept that too as it's not something I have the power to change. I would say it will drive me on to recovery again but my will has never changed and the outcome has never been shaped by effort. I just have to accept and hope that in time I'll get up north again to pay my respects as I intend to because I want to not because I am expected to