100 miles

Before the start of the month I set myself a target: to walk 100 miles. And I did it. I know to anyone else it doesn't sound much. Recently for example when I have been on Facebook there has been a spate of people running and cycling for charity. Colossal amounts in one go. It puts walking 100 miles in a month well in the shade. Instinctively so do I. That is how people with anxiety disorder think. They do not hold up an "achievement" against what went before in their own life but always compare to others- the normals. And it never matches up. How could it?

So this is something I have been trying to change, mentally. Its important to do so. If I don't then what will happen is I will start to think I am getting nowhere and become reluctant when the time comes to try getting out and doing the CBT. So it is important not to compare with others but compare to your own life. Two years ago the most I walked in a week was 7.5 miles so even if I managed that for consecutive weeks, which I didn't, it would have taken 16 weeks to do 100 miles. In actual fact over the whole of 2011 I managed only 153 miles over the entire year. This year I have walked 650 miles so far. Its quite a jump.

These things though never run smoothly. In the second last week I developed a problem which flares up from time to time and is not worth going into but suffice it to say it stopped me in my tracks. For a number of days I was in a lot of pain and for a few days it was too painful to walk. At that stage I thought: typical. Its not the first time its happened. I was resigned to failure. But it passed and I pushed extra hard to get it done. So from that point of view its only right that I congratulate myself. Lets face it I am the only one who will. When I told my wife I had walked 100 miles she said: in a week? No, a month. That took the shine off it straight away.

After completing this I set another goal: 250 miles by the end of the year- not in a week. Of course my old complaint is fatigue. Fatigue gets really bad at times. Strangely its not as bad when I am actually walking but afterwards I am sometimes struggling to keep my eyes open. When I spoke to the therapist he told me I should be taking power naps, 40 minutes, each day to combat this. The trouble is I have tried and for me it doesn't work as my mind just keeps whizzing too fast as I lie making sleep impossible. All it leads to is growing agitation until finally I can take it no more and have to get up.

Something else that the therapist said rings true though. He said he had experienced this with his own anxiety  disorder which he has now recovered from and what he described rang true about it being more than tiredness and more like an inner strain. He asked: do you ever have a period where the fatigue is really bad and sudden it lifts. This does happen. Of late I have developed a theory on this. I don't think physically something changes unless its mentally driven. I think its another tiring mental loop. I think I feel fatigue and I constantly tell myself I am so fatigued and I cannot stand it and this wears me down making me even more fatigued and so making me think more and more about and so the cycle goes on. And that is probably why he told me that the best thing to do is accept it not matter how bad it feels. Just accept it and let it be and don't spend every moment focusing on it. So this is something I have been trying to do but its not the easiest thing when its constantly there. I guess another reason to try mindfulness.

But I keep plodding along and trying to keep pushing myself on in the hope things will improve and if I give myself some time to look back I see they have improved however small.

Confucius- "The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones."

Small steps leading to new roads and further from home, longer out in the world. On this score I certainly cannot complain. Just a big bit more patience required and continue to work hard on the CBT and starting to take more leaps into the dark. Like progress its a small bit by bit building of confidence too to take on new challenges and build on each new world that comes into being. Its a better place for sure. 

False dawn

To put things into perspective from a year between 2010 and 2011 I managed to walk over 5 miles in a week only once. 5.5 miles covered in one week and the rest below the 5 mile mark. The 5.5 miles being termed by myself a very good effort. So I don't know why I thought it would be fine to do more than that in one day but on Wednesday I walked just over 6 miles in total. I felt horrendous and there was no going back.

For me there is a certain inevitability when I feel I have reached the peak of this mountain as I posted about last time. And that is that I will over reach myself and fall all the way down the other side. It has been all positive change of late and even strong hope of a road out of this. My high spirits though have been very quickly been brought crashing all around me and I feel I am back where I started all those years ago- constant high anxiety, weak with fatigue and panic attacks coming in cycles.

I have overdone it and as usual right on schedule with the worst time possible. Since that mountain of walks (by my standards) I have had a constant banging headache and can hardly keep my eyes open. All wrong. I pushed and pushed but not in the right way and this is the upshot.

It has coincided with trying to work out my problems with DWP and ATOS. As I said previously the GP refused to give me a letter and redirected me to a government department. After some problems I finally spoke to a woman this morning and spent the whole time in panic. She was a strange one. Very curt one minute and yet compassionate the next. She said she would reluctantly help but its not policy to help without a face to face. All the time I could hardly concentrate between this bloody headache and the panic. I could see the phone visibly shaking in my hand and I had to keep rubbing my eyes for the pain and all this was making me more and more tense and the head sorer.

I feel washed out now and feel all the good work has been ripped up and thrown in the bin. So I need to read to try to cope with this. I remember well Claire Weekes talking of setbacks being inevitable and not to fear them but learn to deal with them. The CBT guy says it too and said no progress will ever be truly lost. At the moment it doesn't feel like that. A walk afterwards with the boy was a struggle and then for the first time in a while a panic attack on the walk brought on by one of those abstract deja vu moments. It has left me feeling shattered and low. Jittery in a body filled with adrenaline and full now of self doubt.

Anyway. At the end of the call I was left little further forward. The lady said that there is no route to appeal based on not being able to stay out long enough- basically not route for the agoraphobic then. But I could appeal on the grounds of social preclusion. And there is always an irony. This may though need to be done after a medical which if I could do I would be able to go to interviews and not need to appeal. She also said my GP is talking bollocks and is holding out to get payment for a letter and that there is no onus on the DWP to contact him. So I have apparently to call him again but there is no way he will do it so I am not. And where that leaves the appeal I do not know but only know its adding more stress and anxiety.

So that is my happy post of the day and thought I might as well get it out my system and out the way. I need to get my head together and tap into that inner strength again. I hate feeling so feable. I don't want this any more than having to rely and be held to ransom on benefits which I need to maintain my family in this small shitty flat. Life could be better. Time to regroup. Sometimes I really do wonder whether its all worth it. What kind of existence is this?

Ready for work

Yesterday morning my long wait for a response from ATOS came to an end. What I was expecting was a bulky letter from Medical Services, or whatever they call themselves these days, containing a summons to a medical and directions on how to get there- usually 10 miles away in Glasgow city centre. That though is not what I got. Instead I got a letter from the DWP in the morning which remained unopened until night time such was my desire to keep the dread away from the day.

It would appear the DWP in their wisdom have recieved my form and decided not only am I eligible for work but I don't even need to be assessed to prove it. No. Despite stating I am agoraphobic and that as a result I cannot travel they have decided I am perfectly capable for work and have put me in a work activity group. What is that? Beats me. Something to do with going somewhere for group interviews somewhere. Something I cannot do. And with the line that failure to attend will result in my benefits being stopped. Thanks.

As I have said in the past I have no problem with the notion of getting people back to work rather than leaving them stagnating. I would certainly prefer that and if they could do that then great but that is not what they plan to do. They only plan to get me off benefits and on to the dole queue. There is no help being offered with my anxiety problems which I would suggest is the first port of call: get a professional to assess and treat and get ready for going back to work into these activity groups first and foremost. No instead its a case of come to the summons or we stop your money- even though I have told them I cannot go.

So what are the choices then? Don't go, money is stopped and we are financially in real trouble as we live on the breadline as it is and cannot do without that money. The other choice is go. I have not been out of this town in over a year. I would be in panic just leaving. If by some chance I could muster the will power to get there I doubt I would have enough left to leave the car never mind get out, go into the place, wait, take part in activities and then come home. Were I able to do all that I would be a wreck and what that would do is totally fuck me up as it has in the past and I would be back to being stuck indoors unable to leave the house having a horrible time every waking second. What would you choose?

It seems I am buggered either way unless I appeal so I guess that is what I am going to have to do. Its really difficult for me to get to grips with though because basically what I am doing is begging to stay on benefits when I not only hate being on benefits but hate the idea of it. I would rather be out working and if I could go to a group thing in another town then surely I would be better going and getting a job at the local supermarket- which I would have no trouble with. But when I can only just get to that supermarket now and stay in it from 5 to 10 mins before having to leave how would I be able to keep down a full time job. Even if I was offered 30 minutes a day to break me in I think that would be too much.

I don't like it. I don't like being like this. This weakness tears me apart because it is not who I have been all my life and its like some sick joker has taken everything I am and reversed all my strengths as some punishment for a sin I cannot recall. Sick joke. Every waking moment being mocked and feebly unable to fight back try as I might.

But I am ready to fight for one reason only and put all that pride to one side- what little remains of it. I have worked hard this year to make progress, have made progress and am still working hard to the point where I am constantly fatigued but still managing to push myself out the door and stay out for as long as I can. And I will not have that all undermined by these bastards. I won't. So fuck them. If they want a fight they have got one and whatever the outcome its just a shame that its more tax payers money wasted in the process and I might not be contributing to that at the moment but I have done plenty in the many years before.

Let me though explain something about my agoraphobia which may not be clear to anyone who has experienced this and indeed for some who have. Its not just panic I have to deal with its fatigue. And these to things feed off each other. Its like a cycle. Panic causes fatigue and fatigue causes panic and so on. So if I go somewhere and start to panic then I try to deal with that with the CBT skills I have learned and on that point I am having more success without mastering it. But even if I manage to get through a panic attack it leaves me so fatigued that the worry just kicks off again and snowballs into panic which in turn makes me even more fatigued. That is why even going by car I struggle. If I had to go to the doctors for example I would be shattered walking there to the point it would have me so anxious I could not sit and wait- I have tried it recently. But I also tried going by car which I post about a month ago. I was no less anxious and fatigued then. I didn't have to walk there but after a few minutes of being there with no pressure to stay and then walking home I was floored with fatigue.

So its not just about me internally throwing up my hands, screaming and running about in panic because I am too far away from the house. Last night for example I had to pick up my daughter and her club is so near I can still see home. But after waiting for a couple of minutes I had to lean against a lamppost for support as I was starting to sway and my legs were weak. That is what anxiety does. Everyone has felt it when they get a fright but if you get a big fright it is worse and so imagine having a big fright constantly and how you would feel with a constant terror in the back ground making you feel continually weak. So much so that no matter how much sleep you get you never feel refreshed and from a tired start the body is continually drained with fatigue the whole day long.

But the CBT is still the most important thing in my view. In order to stop this cycle I need to stop one of the two parts. I cannot stop the fatigue with the anxiety rages but if I stop the anxiety then I think that will in turn stop the fatigue. So it is the anxiety I am working hardest on with putting the CBT into practice and trying to be mindful. Even at that the fatigue has to be dealt with in the same way with acceptance or else more fatigue is added. So its building a new habit and it takes time and this is what I am doing and gaining strength little my little with each little new thing I do or distance I extend or staying out longer or whatever else. But these bastards have brought a massive dark cloud over my head which threatens to swamp all the good I have done when really if they left me to it I would be back to work quicker than with their interference because back to work is where I eventually want to be when I am ready to work which I am working hard on. I don't feel at the moment I am ready for work but these cretins who don't know me and have never assessed me and decided I am.

Dealing with fatigue

Fatigue has finally caught up with me and am shattered. Managing in a short space of time to double my biggest walks has left its mark. I woke this morning at six feeling awful with my body buzzing and weak from fatigue. Unlike tiredness fatigue at its worse won't allow for sleep so its been a long day.

This is the time I have to be wise, or try to be. It has been so long since I exercised that I cannot tell if this is normal and I need to be feeling this bad in the short term to let my body improve in the long term. Or am I running into a brick wall? Just don't know but I do know I am shattered and struggling today to walk any kind of distance.

So as I said its time to be wise and time to accept. I can keep trying to go out but not pushing past the point into fatigue. Its in the making that decision to go where the most important habit is built as reluctance leads to anticipatory anxiety, or apprehension as most call it, building that negative habit further. The fatigue though has taken a lot longer than expected which is why it has come out of the blue in my mind because for a period I was waiting for it, expecting it, but it never came and so I presumed I was starting to get on top of it.

The irony is I don't think it was caused physically. I don't think the bigger distances are why I am now extremely fatigued. It is though the reason why even short walks are fatiguing me now. It has I think come from anxiety and panic. On Monday I agreed to meet one of my wife's friends halfway to the school as she was bringing the girls home and had to be somewhere else. No distance to walk in this current period but she was late. So I had to wait in a busy park buzzing with kids just out of school and happier for it, drunk on the joy of release from captivity. I found a bench and with my son waited. And the panic increased. Panic from having to stay there and knowing I was panicking and knowing I had to fight the flight response and try to get home on top of it. Eventually I was home with the kids and relieved but that is when the fatigue started to build.

What it also does, a panic attack, is fill the body with adrenaline. This in turn makes the mind anxious and introspective leading to more panic. And that is what has been happening. More panic, more fatigue. Its like a snowball effect.

As much as it feels like I need rest and take it easy it is actually not that at all. Its the anxiety. I need to deal with that and the physical side will take care of itself. Easier said than done but that is what I must do. So as fatigued as I am I keep pushing. Although my walks have taken a hit this week as I find it harder and harder to push they are still even at this stage better than any previous year for the week before this year. That is with 3 days of walking still to go.

My wife bumped into a woman last night who we know but have not seen in a while and who works in the health service and has some CBT practitioners working under her. After asking how I was doing she offered to get some help if I wanted. I am not sure. Any time there has been help from the outside its ended up putting me back the way but at the same time maybe I need a push a long and someone to talk to directly. So still not sure on that one. Will give it some thought.

Still managing to get out to places and into shops for short spells. If I can get on top of this fatigue the next thing is trying to sit in somewhere. I have it planned out. Start with the cafe in the local supermarket. As well as sitting in they do take away so the plan is to get a tea to take away and sit down with it. This way I can try to stay but if I cannot then I can go with the take away. Would be nothing worse than getting food on a plate, putting it down and then leaving. So that is the plan and then if I can get comfortable with that move on to something that keeps me longer. My wife tells me the kids want to have a meal there one day so that would be perfect preparation. After that there is another cafe but its enclosed with no windows and that would be the next step up. Then much later the Chinese restaurant about half a mile away. Finally further afield- hopefully not another food related place or we will be stone broke.

Also still managing to get to point 8 on my graduated exposure while taking more varied routes. On Monday I was closer to point 9 than point 8 and nearly at the school gates. Its quite a leap in a short time. It seems to be working to some extent so just have to keep at it with fatigue being the main hurdle on that score too.

Much to be happy about at the moment. Nothing ever runs smoothly but if I can accept that and start to appreciate the improvement more instead of lingering on the negatives then I will be heading in the right direction. You just never know. Maybe that one day I thought would never come might be closer than I ever imagined. It just takes little victories which give impetus and confidence and an appetite for more and then a snowballing of a different variety, a better one. And though the road ahead may be hidden in the mist I am starting to believe there is a horizon behind it. And yes, I did just add that in to give some link to the pic at the top (which will come later)

Point 7

It looks like the lens on my wee compact is gradually giving up. I've tried cleaning it but as you can see one side of the lens is blurring. The weather is too unpredictable to take out my CSC so I might have to resort to the phone.

I've posted a few times over the years about graduated exposure whether it be mentioned in the passing or the focal point of the post. Mainly I have posted about how it doesn't work, for me, as well as why it doesn't work, again for me, but also saying it does have a benefit in my case. That benefit is keeping my "safety zone" as big as possible. When I do not do it then that invisible barrier keeping me from branching out contracts to the point where over time I will be stuck indoors just like I was at the end of 2006 to the start of 2007.
Even though I have spoken about it before I guess its best to briefly explain what it is. Its a form of exposure for agoraphobia, as well as other things, where you push a little further always getting more used to be slightly further away from home until eventually you reach your goal. So you start with your start point, the home, and end with the destination. In between you break the journey from A to B into 10 parts leaving you with 10 points and you first try to journey to point 1. With repetition, and therefore exposure, in time you get to point 1, get comfortable being there and can start moving on to point 2. Easy, in theory.

My problem with it has always been my own situation. This is geared purely towards panic and anxiety. Its a purely mental thing. 100% fight or flight. My own situation is more complicated than that which led me believe it was a futile exercise after many attempts. If I was dealing only with fight or flight then I could see the merit and could really push this thing. But I am not. I am dealing with fatigue too which blurs the lines and makes it harder to understand what is going on and what to do about it.

I say its complicated and here is why. I am told and have read in a few sources that this fatigue is caused by the anxiety. So it is hard to gauge what to deal with when I get to the point where I feel I need to go home. Its a real paradox. A real chicken or egg. I walk away from home. As I walk I get anxious but can keep on to of it to a degree. But with every step I take away from home I am getting more anxious. What am I anxious about? Not where I am going to but my physical ability to make it back home. The anxiety causes me to fatigue and at the same time its the fatigue that I am anxious about. And I just can't seem to break this cycle nor find a way around it.

What I wanted to do was talk about yesterday which was a perfect example and I am still trying to get my head around it. Still asking myself why. Firstly let me say I decided at the start of last year to do this graduated exposure properly and stick to it to see if there was any improvement. Despite picking up and dropping for many years before 2012 the goal is always the same- to the school and nursery. So broken down into 10 points below is the map of my area.

As I said I started this in 2012. Each point is 0.05 miles apart. If you go you must come back so they are effectively 0.1 miles between. 10 points, 1 mile. Not much for anyone else. Is for me. Below is my chart for 2012.

As you can see it did sort of work to a point, week 45 in fact, but even then it was not a smooth stepping up as its supposed to be. The numbers are the total of times I got to that point- bare in mind this is for all my walks and the reason there are so many only to point 1 is that a lot of walks like going to the shops only pass that point. But not smooth and that is always the disheartening thing because you never feel when you get to a point that you can return there problem free. There are a few times where I got to a point once and was not able to get there until 3-4 weeks later- weeks 11, 26 and 29 for example. This is the problem. It is not consistent but now I look at it I also see that up until week 45 I did at least always get there again which is the pain thing no matter how long it took.

Week 45 is another reason its not so linear. Week 45 I had a problem that was not to do with anxiety. These happen. Could be a bug or something else. You can't avoid these. But that was one week and then I really struggled to get back to where I was after then.

Looking at the chart should illustrate it requires patience. It took 3 weeks to reach point 3, 7 to reach point 4, 21 to reach point 5 and 34 weeks to reach point 6. Always taking more time in between. Over half a year to get to just point 6 and nothing further for the rest of the year.

At the top is point 7. Its past point 7 actually looking back and so close to point 8. So close it seems absurd that I didn't just walk there. Why didn't I just walk there? That is what I keep asking myself. Why the panic? Oh the irony. Its there. I look at the photo and it looks straight forward. Why not?

What was I thinking? I was at that point and I was pulled homeward. Again it was not that I could not go any further. My perception before the experience is I imagine what other people who have not experienced think agoraphobia is: a person goes to a point and can go no further. Its not that I cannot go any further. I know now and knew at that point I could easily walk to point 8 and beyond. What was stopping me doing it was the pull home. That is a surface level thought, a call to action. Beneath it deeper in the subconscious is the real fear and that is that I cannot physically make it home the further I go. I will be stranded. Its hard to get back home in panic. Harder the further from home you are and I was reminded the day before.

This is the point. I cannot get home. Rationalise: have I ever had an instance where I could not make it home. Answer: no. So rationally there is nothing to fear but its not enough. This is the fear. This is what keeps me going on. If I am immobilised in panic unable to get home what then. My fear is it will not calm ease until I can get home and in a state of panic that is extremely difficult as I have said. This is contradictory to what the text books say. They say if you stay with it then it will pass. How do you stay with it? Do I just stand there shaking and struggling for breath hoping they were right? The belief in that moment is not there.

This, above, was the day before as tracked by a mobile app. If you compare it to the graduated exposure map you will see I am nearly at point 8. Again I couldn't reach it. It would have taken less than 10 seconds to reach it. Again the same fear driving me back that to go beyond would mean a struggle to get back home. Now I should also point something else out here. In the past I have felt that same fear holding me back from points 3 to 7. That would say that maybe I am wrong and the graduated exposure is working.

Now here is the thing. I took the route exactly as mapped out in the Graduated Exposure map above. Felt I could physically go no further- not even that tiny distance. On the way back I took a different root at point 5 and walked by the ash park. Instead of turning right to go home I went down the street as far as I could go, going north on the map above. That is distance I walked there would have taken me to point 10. So why could I go that distance in that area and not when I reached point 8. Is it apprehension? I had no set point going down the street and so there was no apprehension to get to where I got.

 Image care of Google Street View

This is the path I find myself eventually on and I go right down to the bottom. Its been a long time since I was down there. The last time was when I was stopped by the police for taking photos. Since then I have found it hard to return- close a few times but I used to be able to go beyond it.

 Image care of Google Street View

But it was a mistake. Travelling north is actually travelling down. Its a very steep decline, which hopefully the above image illustrates up to the vanishing point, and as I turned to go home the road ahead rose to the heavens and physically it was more difficult heading homewards. Before I was even a quarter of the way up that street panic that was already rising went full blown and I was reminded then what really keeps me from pushing on because its one of the most horrible frightening experiences I have ever experienced in my life. Not the first time when walking. Over recent years most notably these have happened when I have pushed myself beyond what I feel are my limits like when I went down to Bothwell Bridge and went down to the Clyde. Yes despite the strong fear I wouldn't manage to I did eventually get home those times and did those times but the experience in doing so is not one I am quick to want to repeat. You really have to experience it to know how frightening it is.

This time as I said was no different. I found myself looking at a long way home I just could not see myself making. All uphill. And I couldn't breathe. I felt I was suffocating. No matter how hard I tried to take a deep breath it felt like a shallow whisp and I was bordering on hyperventilation. At the same time my legs were like jelly and I was looking up the incline at the long road again thinking: I am not going to make it. The alarm bells were deafening. I wanted to just lie down but knew I had to go on because I had to get as near to home as I could. Energy was sapping out of me. Still I could not catch a breathe. At this point I tried to remember the CBT: Take a deep breath if you need to but don't use it as a safety mechanism. I could not take a deep breath. What else? Stay mindful. I couldn't. The colour, the sounds and the textures didn't hold much sway when I felt I was about to stop breathing. What else? Anchor on the stomach and notice the tension there and then release the tension. Correct. The stomach was so tensed up it was knotted and this is what was causing the breathing problems. Try as I might though I could not release the tension. It was like my subconscious has a stronger will and was keeping it like a tight fist.

And this went on and on and I was panicking more and more. It was a freezing cold day but despite this I felt the need to take my gloves off and then unzip my jacket and then take off my hat and I think if I had been further from home I might have arrived there in just my socks- that would have created mass panic for anyone in the vicinity. I did get home. In fact I didn't go home. I walked past home and sat on a wall to compose myself before I went back. It took a few minutes but eventually I calmed. So again I did get home despite fearing I would not and even from sitting on the wall I walked another small distance seeing if I could push myself again.

Once more though I would like to quickly go back to that walk from yesterday and my eternal question: is it anxiety or fatigue. I could not get to point 8. To get to point 8 and home is 0.8 miles. To get to point 10, the nursery, and back is 1 mile. Yet I walked more than a mile. Does that answer it?

All of this has been playing on my mind. I try to make sense of it all. I take on one hand what the experts say and on the other hand my experiences and try to match them up to find some clarity. From it all I have came to a conclusion that I have maybe been avoiding because I don't want to admit it. That is that I just don't have the courage. That is hard for me to accept. I have all my life been a strong character and prided myself in that so its hard to accept weakness and vulnerability. But that is the truth. I know what I must do but cannot find the strength inside to do it. What I must do is what they said I need to do and that is push myself into panic as I have done many times but this time not walk away. I need to stay with it. I need to let it pass. I need to discover from experience that it will do me no harm and gradually lose my fear of it. Only by doing this will it start to wane because it is my fear of it keeping the fire alive. It frustrates and saddens me that I cannot find the courage to do this. Years have passed and I am still stuck. This is no life. So I have to ask myself how long I am willing to sit back and take it. How long? Years passed cannot be recaptured but life ahead is ticking by. I am now 41 years old. Can I stay scared and let this dominate me forever? Then another part of me asks what will happen if they are wrong and I find myself pushed over the edge and only find regret thereafter. But then again is that any worse that letting my life pass by?

Going places

This week I will have to fill out that ATOS assessment form. Been putting it off since I noticed the deadline for return was 11th February. So leaving it. Out of sight, out of mind. Not out of the way though. Just the begining. Since its arrival after dealing with a good deal of panic I decided to forget it for a bit. And its helped. Living in ignorance always does.

But things have generally been better. Still a lot of testing things but I had a really good find which seems to be agreeing with me for some reason. I have been tracking my walks since 2009. Its a tiresome process. So I decided to try to find an android app to do it all for me and I find one I did. Its had an amazing effect. It tracks the distance, the time and even the changes in height as well as keeping detailed data and a map with the walks drawn on them. Brilliant. Just what I was looking for, and for free too.

Why its pushed me on I don't know. Last week I did my single biggest walk since starting records in 2009 beating a distance I set in 2010- I won't embarrass myself by saying what that distance is. I also walked the most I have walked in one day. And finally walked the most I had walked in one week. All good stuff and all lifting my mood. Even today I beat my single biggest walk again by a distance I never imagined I would do.

For some unknown reason I feel like I have more energy. Rather than talk distances I will talk in time. Usually my walks are between 10-15 minutes if I do not stop and I usually feel whacked out by the end of them. Today my first walk was 25 minutes and the second was nearly 35 minutes. Again this is with hardly any stopping- stop and I start to get anxious because it brings all the chatter to the front of my mind. And to top it all off I have been feeling relatively OK after the walks as well as during.

It is though never straight forward. It seems every time I start getting somewhere something outwith anxiety rears to put me on hold and inevitably leads to starting over because if I don't walk for a spell then its harder getting out after. In the past its been numerous things like severe constipation in which the pain was so bad I had to call the GP out- the last time I saw him in person. Also after that I got a chest infection. And this is what is worrying me at the moment as I have all the signs of another chest infection. I could well do without it.

Little victories though from this increase in walks and confidence. I have been into the supermarket a few times for a browse but not built up enough confidence to buy anything- which will please my wife as the last time I did she was getting worried that I spent money every time I went for a walk. I have also returned to places I have not been for a long time. Even went into Greggs and bought myself lunch the other day- didn't tell my wife.

So all mostly good for a change and trying to keep my mind above all the bad things happening and the fears of other things happening. If the walks keep going the way they have been going then I think it will be a big improvement. I have not however been working on the anxiety which I really must do. It seems the spell of putting it from my mind has really helped for a bit of respite but on the couple of ocassions I have had panic it has hit me hard because I have not been doing the work.

For now though I have some things to hold on to and some hope to build on. I also have a few experiments in mind but they involve the car and at the moment its off the road again- on its last legs actually and an endless financial drain of resources. The reason I need the car is to seperate anxiety from fatigue and concentrate on the former. If I go somewhere far enough in the car I will panic but its different from the walks because with the walks its 100% about whether I can physically make it back home- anxiety based on he fatigue. Not so with the car. No fatigue sitting in a car. So I need to go somewhere in the car and far enough that I will panic and try to work out what the hell is going on. This is why I need to return to the anxiety work so that when the car is back on the road I am prepared.

Plans in motion anyway.

Altered States

I'm feeling proud of myself for small victories. 11 weeks now of 10 mile walks. God, some people twice my age can walk that in the one go. For me though progress. I have only reached that level twice before and both those times were in 2009. The first time I only managed it 2 weeks in a row and the second time 3 times in a row. 2010 and 2011 I never got anywhere near that in a week and this year I started off struggling to break the 2 mile barrier over a week never imagining that I would get to this level for almost 3 months. Its important to give yourself a pat in the back otherwise you just keep taking on the negatives. But I do keep it in perspective. Anyone reading this would think 10 miles in a week: so what? Rightly so, in my world though it means something.

Some cruel tormentor though is at work always looking to slap me down. I logged on to Facebook this morning to look at what's going on in the lives of people I have not seen for over a decade mostly. And there was a post from my dad: 6 mile walk this morning. Slap down. Twenty years my senior and in the last year hospitalised after a heart attack. 6 miles. I struggle to get a mile under my belt. I think: what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I struggle to do a mile and he with his seniority and ill health can do 6 times that? Something is wrong. Of course its that old question for me of how much is agoraphobia and how much is fatigue and how much of the fatigue is caused by the anxiety and how much of the anxiety is caused by the fatigue and so on.

Thinking today I am begining to wonder if fatigue isn't more of a problem because to walk around my block is one third of a mile and were I to attempt doing it 18 times in a row I doubt I could manage past the 3 so that is not agoraphobia. I would start to get anxious but only because I would get breathless and unsteady and weak and feel the need to get back home and rest. Anxiety from my agoraphobic state is definitely a big issue as I know from car journeys but I also have to start accepting that fatigue is as big an issue.  If suddenly I lost my agoraphobia overnight and was anxiety free I still think I would have trouble walking far and attempting any kind of physical exercise. What I also have to remember is that before the anxiety problems started it was fatigue that led me back and forth to the GP without any resolution despite the numerous tests. Just a note.

This is been a strange old week. For the first time in what must be at least 8 years my wife and I spent as few days alone. Her parents took all 3 kids up north last Sunday and my wife went up to get them on Friday. It was strange. Strange being together and finding that with time on our hands there was not much we could do with it together- she could on her own. But for her a welcome break as I have had plenty of time on my own but this was her first time. That is the price you pay when you don't have family living nearby. I doubt, unless I can get myself well soon, there will be another period in the near or distant future until they start leaving home.

That brings me back to guilt. They are growing so quickly and I look at the oldest who is still but a toddler in my head and think she will be 10 next year. All 3 have never known any different from the now- crammed in a small damp ridden flat with no garden and a dad who doesn't work, doesn't go out, won't go to see them in plays at school and won't go weekends away with them. A dad who may very well be as well not being there, what difference would it make? If only this was enough to get me well. If only that will power was enough. Its the kind of thing that has sent me many times out the door headlong into panic and pushed through it with gritted teeth determined to get to that point I keep reading about where the panic subsides and instead finding it increasing more and more until I can take no more, come scuttling home and am of no use to anyone for weeks and sometimes months after. So frustrating.

But any road to recovery starts at least, and usually with, small steps. I wonder if a really disturbing episode is a step in that direction. When I say disturbing I mean disturbing to me at the time because I could not seem to handle it but on reflection now nothing to worry about. On Monday I had this strong sense of deja vu but with it came a sense of dread and I could not get it out of my head. The reason on reflection was probably change. My day never changes and yet here I was with my wife and no kids and it seemed to take me back a decade and unsettled me. I remember reading in a Dr Claire Weekes book once how people in a situation such as I am in can find even subtle change very hard to deal with but until Monday had never experienced it to my knowledge- though if I look back I probably have. What it did was lead to full on mental panic which is basically like a sensory overload giving a sense of unreality which if I am honest is scary even when you know what it is. I really could not get to grips with it at all but by the Tuesday it was gone. I say it could be a step in the right direction as I see it as an extreme of something else I have been experiencing lately.

Over the past few weeks and to a lesser extent over the past few months I have been experiencing weird flashbacks. Well not weird but just out of place. What they are is actually flashbacks of normality. I could be at the laptop reading or typing and see a bank of Scotland in Edinburgh where I used to withdraw money when I worked there. For a moment I see myself as a passenger in a certain street in Perth from when I lived there and a street I had forgotten about. More and more of them come. It makes me wonder if its my mind trying to make sense of it and trying to stitch back the normality that existed for so long before the agoraphobic days of my latter years. I have become so introspective and so cut off that I see it as the mind starting to build paths to the world that exists outside of the bubble I have been living in and the begining of piecing reality back together in some ways a bit like what might happen to someone who has been in a cell for 10 years and finds the outside world daunting but over time it all starts to come back and the fear of it is lost. Just a theory but one I am hopeful of as I know that I cannot just go from this existence straight back into what I once termed normality.

So positives of sorts. Also in mentioning there mental panic I was given thought to look back at the actual panic in my life of late and have to say I cannot remember any episodes. Strange but good. Last weekend was the closest right up to the arrival of my parents for the first time in a few months but it went much better than expected and then the following day I had the inlaws for a much longer time at home. No panic. Not entirely anxiety free experiences by any means and still fleeting panic with the constant threat of it going full blown but no actual panic attack. So good. More positives. I have to note these things and try to use them to spur me on. What I have learned is that I cannot rush this. I have to keep at least maintaining what I am doing and when time comes to increase things it will come naturally and gradually. I just have to go along with it and pick up every little tiny positive and pin it to my chest to remind me I could be heading in the right direction however far off the end in sight still seems.

Finding positives

Some little progress over the past couple of weeks. Little things, better than no things. I'm glad a keep a note of things. My memory is terrible these days. An anxious mind is always full and always more incoming so recent thoughts and memories get thrown out pretty quickly. Its still a constant battle with fatigue as well as panic but managing to push myself out a little further. Over a month now of getting beyond half way to the school. Not any further yet and truth be told its still a battle getting just to that point, a battle I am only winning once or twice a week. So still a lot of work to do but have to remember there a time not so long ago when I struggled to get halfway to where I am now.

Sore aching body. Shaky. Not an ounce of energy. Feels like the flu but only in those regards. Some little bug bothering me at the moment but from what my wife says, who's job is customer facing, there are a lot of bugs going around at the moment. Not the flu though as I have not cold feeling and am ravenous. Some little bug running through my system so finding it more difficult than normal to push myself out. Fatigue and anxiety, one feeding off the other.

The little positives. Nothing by anyone else's standards but positives for me. Been into the supermarket a few times. Even bought things at the kiosk- not ready for the checkouts yet. Also took my oldest daughter and her friend into their club and stayed for 5 minutes which was a big thing. Really drained me though more than I realised and when I went to pick them up 90 minutes later it was panic after panic with the fatigue. Really not good at all. But I was back in their the following day with my wife and boy. They run a cafe and this time I went right inside and waited while my wife ordered a couple of cold filled rolls to take away for lunch. Also a few times have been into my wife's work again and stayed a few minutes.

All small things which sound irrelevant to most but for me worth noting. Steps in the right direction. Its a race against time to try to get some sort of normality before ATOS come calling. And they will come calling. Its just a question of when. It hangs over me. Could be 6 months away, could be 6 hours away. They will come.

The car is back on the road- for now. Not been in it yet but that is the next step. Its just a pity its this time of year where long journeys will become problematic if there are adverse weather conditions. Small journeys to begin with will do. I usually find when I spend a spell in the car it improves my walks too. I think the small world in my head is mapped differently when I am not going far and things seem further away that they really are so traveling around helps bring perspective. That is the next step.

Pushing on

Apologies for the photo above. My wife has had the point and shoot more than be lately and it would appear the lens needs a clean. Possibly. Or the lens is starting to go.

Anyway, this is the road school. Its past halfway. I am past halfway. Point 6 I have passed on my 10 point graduated exposure. The first turn to the left after the 4 trees on that side is as far as I can get but further than I have been for a long time. At the end of this road lies the school and nursery. Not right at the end of it unfortunately but points 7 and 8 on my graduated exposure lie on that road before it ends so I am getting closer than I ever have before.

In fact I am getting out longer and going further in general. At the start of the year I was struggling to walk 2 miles a week between the agoraphobia and fatigue. In the past 3 months I have been maintaining 8 miles a week and this week if I stay on schedule it will be my 4th week in a row of over 10 miles. All this and the number of walks has actually dropped as I employ my new strategy of pushing every walk as far as I can and staying out as long as I can. Not without problems of course. I have had so many crashes. Agitated fatigue and regret after passing the point of no return.

But also not to forget little victories. Things that mean nothing to anyone else. Going to into the shops and buying something. Going into my wife's work and sitting waiting 10 minutes for her. Little achievements. Little steps in the right direction.

And today a glimpse of what needs to be done and a little more acceptance that it needs effort and patience to do it. Mindfully. Reaction is the problem. Being mindful and not reacting or reacting less. Detachment from the fear cycle. Separation from constant worry and anxiety to the pure self that lurks beneath. The anxious mind is so fused now with the self that it is welded on. It is going to take time to pull them apart. I see that.

So anyway not going backwards at least and hopefully however small the steps they are in the right direction. Little things I must not forget and must hold on to in prolonged periods of negativity. Getting out of the head and into the world. So many separate parts but if I can work on every little one and keep clicking them into place then somewhere along the road the jigsaw may make sense.

The Jury

Lovely. Last Saturday it was. Went down the stairs to go for my walk. Saw the letter. Saw it was addressed to me. Saw it was from the court. And panicked.

Although it turned out I had been selected for jury service my initial reaction was: what have I done? I haven't done anything wrong but that was still my initial reaction, the reaction of an anxious mind which works overtime always. What could I have done? What possibly could the court want with me? Maybe some vindictive evil and twisted person had lied about me to the police. Maybe there was a hate campaign. Maybe it was a prank- once got called up for the army which turned out to be a prank by my aunt and uncle. Or maybe that was not a prank and now the Army were looking for me through the courts. Maybe it was that time I didn't pay poll tax and they have caught up with me. I had a limited company once which was wound up long ago but maybe money was owed or something. Maybe someone had said I was not actually with an anxiety disorder and was cheating the system. Maybe someone had been following me and showing I could walk far enough and they couldn't see anything wrong with me.

The usual paranoid protective thoughts. But as I said it was for jury service. That though was enough to give me a panic attack and I had to take that with me on my walk. I knew if I had not opened the letter it would still cause me too much anxiety while walking. Either way the walk was going to be difficult and it was.

When I got home I scanned for home. It seems if you are an MP or other such privileged person you can get out fairly easily but otherwise they want proof. Fair enough. Why do these things always happen at the weekend? At a time where my hands are tied. Would the doctor give me medical certificate? Would he even be there? Too many unanswered questions and try as I might I could not keep it from my mind over the weekend. As it turned out also Monday was a local holiday so an extra day of waiting as the medical centre was shut.

Anyway, turns out my GP was abroad on holiday as luck would have it but thankfully he was back on Wednesday. Not only that but the receptionists at the medical centre and he together were very understanding and helpful and I had my medical certificate that day which I posted the following. It is not a guarantee I will be exempt but I am hoping. Only time will tell.

That aside not much doing. I don't know if it was that and the walking I am doing but once again struggling with fatigue. I should also say at the start of the week my wife and I had a virus which definitely didn't help and has depleted my reserves further. The last three days have been a nightmare. I get up feeling groggy- like my body is exhausted and had some rest but not enough. Fine though. But an hour or two after walking I get a wave of fatigue crashing down on me which lasts the rest of the day. Its really hard to put up with and then has other problems like sore eyes, neck pain, head pain, etc. I have had it before and it does pass but just no fun when in that state.

Better days lie ahead I am sure. Its depressing when its July and its so grey and wet outside as it has been the last couple of months. And you feel fatigued all the time to the point that you can't even hold you concentration to do anything that may distract you. But as I said it will pass and better days surely ahead.

At the mercy of something

Fatigue is always a problem. For some reason though these last two days even though I have been getting more sleep I am extremely agitated with fatigue. Its not the same as tiredness. You do not deflate, you buzz. You feel life drain out of you. Its like the life blood has turned to a thick black tar.

And I wonder why, sitting here in this state after my longest walk this week. Why was it a few weeks ago when I was getting less sleep, had more anxiety and was walking double the distance I am now did I feel OK and yet now I feel like I have ran all day long? Why is it that some times I am fairly OK walking but 10-30 minute after I get home and relax the fatigue crashing in like a wave and the body feels like it is shutting down? Why does it come out the blue like the last two mornings when I have woken up fine and without doing anything around 2 hours later bang! And that is what its like. Its like someone has just set off the loudest fire cracker behind you without you knowing. Its like touching an electrified fence. Its a sudden shock to the system. Why?

I am beginning to wonder if I will ever know. In truth I remember well in 2003 fatigue suddenly hitting me one day and for ever more these 9 years since. I remember well going back and forth to the doctors for tests without explanation. And I remember then in the beginning there was no anxiety. That came later. And then later still agoraphobia which itself was another bang out the blue. One day absent and the next day here to stay forever more.

What I have been trying to do of late is get to the root fear. Trying to uncover what lies beneath all this generating the anxiety. I mean lets face it its fatigue, shrug the shoulders. It passes. Why not just lie down and let it pass? Indeed, why not? Why can I not do that? The only reason I could think of is that as a father of young children I cannot do that. My wife has enough of a burden without me going for long spells to lie down in the bedroom and leaving her to it. Besides that she works too, what then? Do I sleep and leave the children to it?

Today though I see clearly. Right now in this moment I see clearly. Maybe for the first time or at least the first time I have set my attention on it. I see the root fear. It comes in images. Lots of colourful and frightening, to me, images. And from this I understand in this moment the truth but know in a short space of time I will lose hold of it because 9 years of doubt is a hard habit to break. As I said though right now in this moment I see the truth. The truth is it is not the fatigue which is the problem. It is the fear which is the problem. Fear without fatigue is a problem. Fatigue without fear is not a problem. Sorry no, that sounds like I am belittling fatigue. What I am trying to say is that I am trying to find some way to tackle the fatigue while ignoring the fear but in reality I have to tackle the fear before I can tackle the fatigue. Furthermore the fatigue may be, and most likely is, a product of the fear. The constant fear. The constant anxiety. Which is why I am trying to uncover the root fears hidden behind my behavioural patterns so I can work on them.

So this fear, what is it? Quite simple it is the same as all the root fears I have uncovered. It is a fear of consequence. The anxious mind races off down dark corridors and races back with all the gore of what may be happening, all the worst case scenarios. Always fear of consequence. Not fear of how the body actually is. Not fear of the fatigue. But fear of where the fatigue and the feelings could lead to. In this case its also the usual suspect: fear of losing control.

In the past half hour sitting here I have tried to sit calmly and loosely and just look deep within at the fatigue and find the root of the fear, and therefore the anxiety. And here we have the root fear exposing itself. The root fear with fatigue. Ending in a state where I am incapacitated. Where I cannot move. Visions run through my mind. Faces of concern. Medics arriving wanting to take me out of my agoraphobic bubble. Everything that is my sole right taken from my hands and into the hands of others who think they know better. Loss of control.

All in the mind. Lots and lots of people experience the same symptoms but don't fear them, not to the extent of having an anxiety problem with them. The therapist assures me they are symptoms of the anxiety. Worry is tiring. Constant anxiety is fatiguing. That is what I am told. That is also what I read in the Claire Weekes books. So why should I disagree?

And where is the proof? Well maybe its in another question. I asked all those questions about fatigue coming out the blue, taking time to kick in after walks and the like. One other mystery and I did not ask the question and this was the one the therapist put to me: have you ever felt the fatigue bad and/or prolonged and then all of a sudden it just lifts even if it returns again shortly after? Yes, I replied. Many times. So strange. Could spend all day long like an agitated rag doll and then suddenly its gone and sometimes gone for a good time after. I have noticed on occasions being fatigue to the point where I don't even want to sit up yet when visitors arrive I sit up and throughout the visit I am not aware of any fatigue but only too aware of it after they go. Proof that it is mental rather than physical? In my case anyway I tend to agree- in this moment.

So I am not at the mercy of something. I am creator of my own fear leading to my own fatigue leading to fear and so on. Generator of the cycle. A draining cycle. Not at the mercy of anything. Just an irony that I have not been in control of a state I can control and the base fear is the loss of control. Haha! Yes, indeed. So I need to take control. Leave the fatigue alone. Stop stirring it. Break the cycle at source and over time it will be OK. That is the theory anyway. 

A crossroad

A crossroad. A place of choices. For most which way to go. For the agoraphobic whether to go or to head back. Usually, for me at least, the latter. And this morning was no different. Its point 5 on my 10 point graduated exposure list meaning I am halfway there. Halfway where? Halfway to the school and nursery. I got there for the first time this year on Friday, then yesterday and then this morning. If you follow that path down past my wife and to the most distance visible child you will see a lone tree on the left. That is point 6. Visibly not far away, why can't I get there? Looks so easy. Follow that path down and it turns to the left and just a little further is point 7. Further up that path out of sight is point 8. Outside the school is point 9 and in the school is the last point.

Although as I said point 6 looks so easy to get to if I was to take a photo from any point then the next one looks easy to get to. The agoraphobic mind doesn't work that way, or at least my own does not. It does not think forward but instead thinks back to where it has come from- how far from home. Yes getting to point 6 is easy and in fact given that I am halfway then I could physically get all the way to the school since I walk all the walk. But again its all about going back. Yes I could get to the school but by then I would be both physically and mentally unable to get home. Every step I take forward is another step I have to walk back to get home.

For me and for others its not simple agoraphobia as some would perceive. Most agoraphobia occurs on a solely mental level. But I know others like myself where it is both a mental and physical problem. The biggest problem though and the one that brings the most confusion and frustration is not knowing which is the catalyst. We know they go hand in hand. We know one does not exist without the other. But we don't know which one is the cause and which is the effect. I get to this point and mentally I am being pulled back. Panic is rising. Fight or flight is kicking in and the whole purpose of that is to obviously take action, there is no action to be taken, or escape quickly. This is what the majority of agoraphobics experience. This is what most self help guides refer to. You have to look at the likes of Dr Claire Weekes to discover that this is not always the case. As well as panicking I am by that point physically drained. I feel like I have walked 5 miles rather than a quarter of a mile and have another 5 miles now to walk back instead of another quarter of a mile.

Everything is amplified. That is why walking any further brings fears about getting further from home and having a harder journey home because each step is a step further away. Anyone who has not experienced this won't understand it because its only steps not miles. Fair enough. But you get to a point where you feel you physically cannot get back home which in itself increases panic. For a moment if you forget the photo above. Imagine it like being knee deep in thick mud. Imagine walking quarter of a mile through it and by that point starting to become physically shattered as well as scared as to whether you can back it back to the way to perceived safety- the only place for sure you know you will be OK. If you imagine that then it may be easier to imagine in that situation why its tough then to keep taking hard drudging steps away from the place of safety even if the destination is very near in eye shot.

If someone came out of a coma after 6 months could they start walk miles straight away? I have to accept for the last 5 years I have not had much exercise. I have tried to exercise but each time never got far between the fatigue and anxiety. I am out of condition. I cannot just automatically walk what other people can walk. I need to accept that. I need to accept that may be a temporary state that know pushing will change and the only way I will find out whether it is temporary is by slowly building stamina. Or trying to at least. The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones- you are right Confucius.

Does graduated exposure work? I guess its more of a question of whether it works for me. I intend to find out. If it does truely work and I give it a fair crack and it doesn't work for me then I guess finally I will know what is cause and what is effect. On that matter I have another experiment lined up which is more graduated exposure but requires the car which is currently out of action. If I get stuck at a point when will I know via repetition whether it is the physical or mental holding me back? I think that answer will be found if and when I get there.

But back to the crossroad. Today I had a different choice and it came out of the blue. Was not expecting it. A kind of epiphany like I had a few weeks back watching the family go on and as I turned for home I suddenly felt I could walk to the school. It didn't seem as daunting for a moment, a beautiful moment I could not hold on to. It was no longer frightening.

Today I found I had a choice. I expected like the previous twice in the past few days to have the overwhelming urge to set back off home. It was not there. I had the choice to go forward toward point 6. The park suddenly looked smaller and I felt more able to walk it. I walked forward a bit without a thought of the return. Then I stopped. There was another choice. To my great regret I took that instead.

I have a note of my best single walks, best day of walking and best week of walking for 2009 to the present. In fact I have a note of every walk I have done in that time- obsessive I know. The best walks all came in 2009, next 2010, then 2011 and finally this year. A real worrying trend. If I have mentioned this before I apologise. I write so much in different places I forget what and where I have written things. I know I mentioned this briefly in the last post. After the first quarter of this year I was starting to get very worried about what the walks were telling me. In terms of week totals there was a 2 mile drop each year and in May of this year it had dropped over 3 mile of the previous year. It set off alarm bells. Where was this going? Would I be down to a mile a week next year and where after that if at all?

Thankfully as the year has progressed I have slowly increased my walking. Then last week I smashed all my previous best totals for all previous years with regards to distance in a day and in a week. All that was left was distance over a single walk. I was getting greedy and challenged myself to try to beat these this week.

And that was the other choice. As I said I started to move forward from the crossroad and stopped. I dropped the choice to go forward in favour of the choice to attempt beating a record. I knew from my walk the day before if I walked to point 5, head home, went around the block and then went a fifth of a mile away from home and finally returned home I would beat a record. Little did I realise, just a few hours ago, what a mistake I was making. I did. Yahoo me! Biggest walk for 2 years, since the first half of 2010. But no. I pushed myself physically way beyond what I am capable of doing at the moment for some stupid fictitious prize. I have got caught up in record breaking and in doing so deviated from the plan that has served me well up until last week when I went gung-ho.

So from that choice I picked up my prize. From that choice I declined to take a moment of clarity to see where it would take me. From that choice I am wasted for at least the rest of today and agitated to hell because I am drained. I feel like some being has stuck a straw in me until they have sucked every last ounce of energy leaving a grey dried up shell. This will in fact affect me for days. It was the wrong choice. Once again I see that after the choice was made.

So now I see. Now the records are put on the back burner. This week for the first time I will be glad to see a drop in the walks back to what they were 2 or 3 weeks ago. I will be happy to see my single walking distance fall by half and the same with the daily and weekly totals. Happy with that if I can give my body a chance to recover and catch up. A period hopefully awaits where I can walk within myself so to speak. I have take a wrong choice at the crossroad. Instead of my mindful walking which has gradually see me improve I have swapped it for mindlessly running through brick walls quickly and tensed up just to get from A to B. Short term gains with no long term benefits. As I said I can see that and so return now to trying to make the most of my walks and give the graduated exposure a chance and trying to enjoy the walks rather than achieve something through gritted teeth.

The journey continues but I feel now I am on the right road. Where I took a wrong turn at the crossroad this morning I have stepped back and taken the path I know is right. Only time will tell but it feels right this time. More moments of clarity like the one I had today, without striving for them, and I will grow ever more sure that this is the right path.

Burnt out

I hate the British weather or to be more precise the Scottish weather as the rest of the UK, or some at least, have enjoyed spells of nice weather this past month as opposed to the wind, rain and cloud we continue to experience up here. From memory we have had two or three days this year where the weather was decent enough to sit outside and as June approaches in a couple of days that is pitiful. Its the kids I feel most sorry for because this has been another long 4 day weekend where they have rarely stepped out the door and as a result showing all the signs of cabin fever in their frenzied loud actions. That is off the back of many days and weeks holidays this past two months where it has been much the same. Normally my wife would take them up North so they at least had a garden to play in but with her knee still bothering her that has been out of the question.

There is frustration to be found in all things when idle. I've spent the last few days cursing Microsoft and their shitty browser off the back of the blogger problems. For whatever reason since blogger fell off the wall and was pieced back together again I've had problems commenting on some blogs under my own ID. Even when I go to my own blog it says 'Sign in' even though I am logged in. So I upgraded to Microsoft's latest browser, IE 9, which still didn't fix the problem. And to add to the joy I then found my 'publish' button wouldn't work- so I couldn't make new posts on my blog. Since then I have found out that this is a known bug. Great. It was long overdue but I have now finally punted Microsoft's Internet Explorer forever finding that blogging is much smoother under Google Chrome and Firefox. Bye bye Bill Gates.

I was feeling a lot of guilt yesterday because of some fortune- well for me. At the start of the year my dad promised to buy me a Kindle this summer after seeing how taken I was with my mum's. I said not to bother because my dad is forever stressed chasing work from week to week and needs every penny. But he was expected to get compensation for a claim at one workplace where he slipped on a loose tile and battered his chest on the top of a pole. He was in real agony and yet still had to work through the pain and breathing problems because he is self employed. But last week he was told the company had gone into liquidation and so there could be no claim. I told him it was OK but he insisted in giving me the money to buy a Kindle. I am very grateful but the guilt isn't worth it. He told me not to tell anyone which I take it to mean not to tell my sister who he had also made the promise to but will likely not get one and also my mum who probably doesn't know he's given away money they could be using elsewhere. On top of that there is my wife who rightly wants new windows and the loft floored so for me to spend £100 on a Kindle is selfish. True. Its complicated though. My dad likes gadgets. He would be annoyed to say the least if I used that money for anything other than a Kindle. This is something my wife accepts but is still annoyed- I can understand. But I think I have worked out a way to raise the funds for the loft flooring which she is pleased about so all well in the end but the guilt remains.

My dad came on Saturday much earlier than expected. It was strange. I've mentioned visits many times and how difficult I find them so apprehension and anxiety were the usual habitual stuff I experienced. In fact the apprehension was extremely intense this time around as it has been getting more and more. It might not have been helped by my brother coming too. I think I have spoke to him twice in the last two years and can't actually remember the last time I was him. I know he's only seen my three year old son twice. But its not as if there are problems between us as we get on very well. He just lives his life and I live mine- plus he never has a phone for more than a week. His presence though made me feel more anxious. As I said though it was strange because this past week I have found some semblance of acceptance of panic at home. Not that I predict it will stay or even last that long but it has been there. Where normally I would fear panic with visitors, running off to my bedroom and lying there in constant panic until they left I found this had eased. It is based on experience as it has happened more than once. But every time that thoughts came I seemed to say to myself: so what? If I panic and go to my room then I will just lie there, no big deal. They were expected mid to late afternoon but arrived well before midday with the kids in their pyjamas and me just in the door from scouting the streets for the cat who had gone AWOL. They stayed for two hours and although I was highly anxious it never ventured into panic. It felt like I was in control of those urges. So that was good. As I said it may not last but I am hopeful it is something I can cultivate. If I could learn to free myself from panic at home it would put me on good footing to start doing that outdoors because that would be a reversal of the process I went through to get here. I have been keeping a panic diary this last month and my last entry was 19 days ago which is a long time for me because that came after a period of almost daily panic and sometimes more than one a day. Panic though is one thing. Anxiety is still there as a constant but if I could lessen the panic then it may ease the anxiety.

What is becoming more and more evident though is the link, in my case at least, between anxiety and fatigue. Half an hour after my dad and brother left I was lying on the couch with my eyes shut unable to muster the energy to sit up. That was until the boy poked my in the eye and shouted 'wake up daddy!' in my face. No rest for the wicked. The fatigue continues regardless of rest. On Sunday I had over 10 hours sleep and today I had 8 hours sleep yet I am still very tired. What I have also noticed is what I feared a couple of months ago as depression is actually not. It is fatigue. Nowadays the fatigue is makes my eyes water probably because they are so dry and I feel like I have excess saliva which is no doubt down to the constant tension I feel in my face muscles when anxious. This creates an impression of being depressed when in fact inside I don't actually feel that but the ruse is strong and only now am I unmasking it. When I look beneath I feel burnt out with anxiety, there is only so much the body and the mind can take.

On fatigue I would just say there is another reason why I believe in my own case now without doubt it is anxiety generated. I have proved it. Take visitors as an example. There are times before hand I am so tired that I need to lie out but as soon as visitors are in I'm sitting up, moving about and feeling no fatigue at all. In many ways its at least partly a state of mind: if you constantly tell yourself you are tired then you will be. But also when I am really fatigued I get a notebook out and I rationalise everything. I get it all and question my logical and counteract it with alternative statements and try to find a level of acceptance. Not every time but a good few times I have felt the fatigue lift. I don't become a ball of energy. I just feel less tired and able to move about. Its freeing myself from the self placed burden of fatigue. As a good few people have suggested in the past this is why occupation works so well because you don't allow yourself the time for long periods of rumination over how you are feeling. I see this at the moment with my wife too. She told be the other night she was going to make a doctor's appointment to get tested for anemia because she should not feel this tired all the time. What she doesn't see is that she has only felt this since her knee operation. Not being at work and not being able to be as active as usual because of the pain and restricted movement has made her this tired. Also she is on pretty heavy duty pain killers which are tiring enough. And also the fact that not only us but the kids are at times very tired I think some boredom, lack of fresh air and this very dark weather where we rarely see the sun all contributes to feeling more tired than normal.

So we still sit waiting for the sun to break through. The week ahead is the same forecast as last and the week before that, etc. Depressing in its own right. But hopefully some time over the summer we'll get some good weather. In July the family are away for a week to a caravan on the coast with two aunts, grandmother and a cousin so I hope at least by then there is some good weather for them. For me though I think my weather system is more internal and rather than waiting for the clouds to part I have to blow them away myself life cobwebs of anxiety hiding away my happier self. On the front there is at least some optimism at the moment that better weather is on the horizon.

Mimicking normality

At the very least I should feel some sort of satisfaction. Achievement maybe. Happiness possibly. Looking at it from a positive perspective I could even go as far as to say I should feel euphoric. Why? Because I did something that for three and a half years seemed impossible. Not just once but ten times: the school run. Now for the average person that isn't much, if anything, and if I was to give it to you in terms of distance it would be even less impressive. Distance doesn't matter though. I've driven a lot further. Its driving through traffic into a long street, to a car park, where there is room only for one car because its on a residential street where lots of cars are parked on the road and cars in both directions are trying to pass. An impossibility for me at nine when school starts and at three when it ends because its a gridlock. Its that feeling of being trapped rather than how far it is from home. It is certainly more claustrophobic that agoraphobic. But I did it. There is though no uplifting feeling from that- quite the opposite. Praise means nothing because it has nothing to connect within. Praise for me is "you did it!", "it wasn't that hard", "nothing bad happened to you" and "now there is no problem for you to do it again". My wife summed it up brilliantly with "so what if you feel shit for the rest of the day, you did it and you should be proud!".

Well shit is how I felt time and time again but it doesn't matter apparently. Apprehension then panic and then after effects twice a day but as long as the job gets done. The one good thing, though "good" is the wrong term, to come from it is that I have learned something. Without doubt now I see that my fatigue/exhaustion/tiredness is anxiety related and not the product of something else. Each weekday I have felt more and more shattered. If I can keep it at bay then around the time of drive I am hit with a wave of it. For three years I have kept a note of my walks each week and this is the worst so far- worse even than the week I couldn't walk because of stomach pain. The fatigue has in turn given a breeding ground to anxiety making every day feel longer than it should.

This week I also talked to someone who claims to now be recovered after eight years of panic disorder and agoraphobia- I don't have any grounds to doubt him but am ever the skeptic. I asked him about the fatigue and whether he had experienced it in his time. He told me that unlike me he didn't have a long lead up of fatigue before the panic started but the fatigue he had was bad. He also said were he not having panic attacks then most likely he would have been diagnosed with CFS as the fatigue was that bad but as soon as he started to get on top of the anxiety the fatigue went with it. I can see that in my own case. Since the week prior I have had a lot of anxiety and feel wiped out as a result. About 10 days ago my wife was in hospital all day for knee surgery and although routine I was anxious all day long- my own fault for reading something along the lines of although routine there can be fatalities in 1 in 100,000. Stupid I know but that is the way my mind works. Then I had a 4 hour visit from the inlaws and then a week of school runs and all the while I was getting more and more tired. The one thing that guy said that I identified with was "its not a nice tiredness". No it ain't. Its not tiredness at all as we know it but more a sapped agitated state.

The school kindly agreed to give me a dispensation from the normal school hours and allow up to half an hour after for drop off and up to half an hour before for pick up. For that I am thankful because otherwise I would not even have attempted it because those times are too claustrophobic. Each time though was like starting from scratch. Success did not make the next one any easier and in fact my hardest trials came towards the end of the week emanating from the more fatigued state. Also not helped by a few problems too.

On Wednesday I went to pick up the kids so panicky that even before I got in the car I was telling my wife that I probably wasn't going to manage it. The shakes were really chipping away at my will and my confidence to do the run. And it was frustrating because in the morning I'd had a completely anxiety free run which had given me some hope. It was my first and last anxiety free run. So I managed to get there and as I neared the doors to the school I started to have thoughts of dread which had plagued me the two days before- the kids were not going to be waiting there with someone. Usually I feel relief when I see them but not this time because as I dreaded they were not there. My wife said she'd go into the school to get them but she needs a walking stick at the moment so I dived out driven by nervousness at staying still and stood rattling and pulling on a locked door- turns out you need to buzz reception before you can get in but even though my wife was shouting the fact from the car I was in too much panic to compute. I got in and was met by a second set of doors and went through the same process as the receptionist stood looking at me wondering what to do- I could have been a mad man for all she knew, well I was. Finally I got through to an empty foyer and no kids- nobody at all. Someone finally appeared, apologised and said she'd go to get the kids as they were in the hall singing. That was when panic went full blown. I was in the car wanting to drive home but not sure if I could because of the shaking. Five minutes passed but it seemed a lot longer and then finally the girls appeared and we were on our way with a "well done" from my wife. It was hellish for the rest of the day with adrenaline running through me making me all buzzy, fuzzy and restless.

Friday was worse. I'd completed nine of the ten runs and looking to get over the line as quickly as possible. Time was slowing down and I wanted it over with. Just one more to go and then the phone rang: The inlaws. I nearly burst out laughing in despair. They rarely come on a weekday and if they do its never during the day but they had decided to take a jaunt into Glasgow and then while there take the 10 mile detour to our home to "spend no more than 5 minutes dropping off some things". I didn't need my wife to tell me they had decided on an impromptu visit before I did the last run. Just what I needed: apprehension, panic and guilt all rolled into one. My wife managed to put them off until after I'd picked up the kids but the damage was done. The shakes were a repeat of Wednesday and when I got to the school there were no kids again. After negotiating the double doors I found on the other side the youngest girl only. So again I had the 5 minute wait while someone went off to find the oldest. Just not good but we were soon on our way home. Its so awkward that I feel guilty. The lady apologiesed and all the while my wife was getting angry and anxious on my behalf. Drained and still filled with panic the inlaws arrived for their 5 minute visit and left 2 hours later.

So not a good week. But its just the first of many as I not only have this to do every week now but this week the boy starts nursery too- the government have decided that all 3 year olds should go into nursery immediately. Can't say I am looking forward to it any. Its not for lack of effort. If it was a case that every drive built confidence and lowered the anxiety via exposure I would relish challenging my anxiety but that is not the case. Its just as hard every time and very tiring.

So to those around me it looks like I am making progress and for that they are happy. But I know I am not. I know its doing me no good at all and I'm struggling harder each time. Unless there is some unforeseen change into the positive I know there will come a time when I just don't have the energy left to do it and will be filled with guilt. If only this thing worked logically. Maybe it does. Maybe its just that what other people think is logical isn't.

Taking care

"Christ,", oh such a blasphemous uttering for a good Catholic woman who had just taken her eldest daughter to her first reconciliation that very day. "Your shoulder are like they are made of stone". Not a reference to power or strength but tension of at times unbearable pressure I have accumulated. I sat on the floor on a pillow as my wife tried in vein to untie the knots of days upon days upon years of tensing up from the world of consciousness. Such a little sin was nothing compared to my colorful expletives in reaction to pushing on muscles that don't won't pushed upon and feel like brick until pressurised. But hey I am a heretical old sod who has no god to answer to so no need to worry. No joke though they are tight knots that with a squeeze don't ease and instead feel like they are going to break.

Squeeze your hand. Squeeze it as hard as you can. Keep it there for as long as you can. Not very comfortable is it but when it gets too much you realise. That is what my shoulders and neck are like but I have no way of releasing the pressure. Bloody pest it is to. Making the mental effort to relax and loosen makes no difference as its in a constant state of tension and is accumulated. Its not all anxiety though that is the largest part. We need a knew mattress as I notice I feel this at is most intense once a week- the one day I get to lie on in the morning. Something about that old mattress ain't good when I get the bed to myself for the latter part and for a longer sleep than usual. Its just over 6 years old and I've tried turning it but it was worse. Other things are a possible unlikely weakness from whiplash many years ago in a train crash or maybe even that rogue bin bag that tore muscles in my upper back which still causes me grief. There was a period where I thought I had high blood pressure because I'd have spells of tension in my face which felt like it was about to explode but investigating further I found on every occasion my neck was tight with tension which was probably the cause.

It leads me to talking about sleep. I was trying today to think of some positives over the course of 4-7 years and I think I have found one. One little bit of resilience brought on by circumstance and thankfully relative decent physical health. My eldest daughter is 7.5 years old and apart from a spell of flu a few months after she was born I have not spent much time in bed. By that I mean I've never said to my wife I need to stay in bed rather than get up because I can't. I suppose it illustrates if you have to you do. So many mornings I just haven't wanted to get up whether it be because I didn't sleep until the very early hours, I just couldn't face the day ahead or both. But I always have done and I suppose that is one positive illustration that I still have some inner strength in there somewhere.

Anyway enough moaning. Just wanted to illustrate that anxiety can be more than "just worry". Agoraphobia can be more than just playing safe at home not brave enough to venture out out. Panic is not just about that period it resides but its the peak of a growing anxious state which had longer term effects on the body. Many actually. Tension that it brings leads to a greater general tension which in turn causes aches, perceived breathing issues, visual problems and a whole host of other things which perversely cause more anxiety in a self perpetuating cycle.

I think though in my case at least a lot is to do with looking at yourself and managing reaction better. My fuse is too short. Anger and stress come to easy. Its something recently I have been looking closely at and trying to approach better. Even if I fail I look and wonder whether I really needed to burst a blood vessel because the kids defied me. A mix of cabin fever from being incarcerated and young energetic children needing an outlet is a potent mix. But I am the adult, the parent, and the one who can act differently. So better self management and a course of massage abuse from the wife are on the agenda on my search for personal inner peace.