This week I will have to fill out that ATOS assessment form. Been putting it off since I noticed the deadline for return was 11th February. So leaving it. Out of sight, out of mind. Not out of the way though. Just the begining. Since its arrival after dealing with a good deal of panic I decided to forget it for a bit. And its helped. Living in ignorance always does.
But things have generally been better. Still a lot of testing things but I had a really good find which seems to be agreeing with me for some reason. I have been tracking my walks since 2009. Its a tiresome process. So I decided to try to find an android app to do it all for me and I find one I did. Its had an amazing effect. It tracks the distance, the time and even the changes in height as well as keeping detailed data and a map with the walks drawn on them. Brilliant. Just what I was looking for, and for free too.
Why its pushed me on I don't know. Last week I did my single biggest walk since starting records in 2009 beating a distance I set in 2010- I won't embarrass myself by saying what that distance is. I also walked the most I have walked in one day. And finally walked the most I had walked in one week. All good stuff and all lifting my mood. Even today I beat my single biggest walk again by a distance I never imagined I would do.
For some unknown reason I feel like I have more energy. Rather than talk distances I will talk in time. Usually my walks are between 10-15 minutes if I do not stop and I usually feel whacked out by the end of them. Today my first walk was 25 minutes and the second was nearly 35 minutes. Again this is with hardly any stopping- stop and I start to get anxious because it brings all the chatter to the front of my mind. And to top it all off I have been feeling relatively OK after the walks as well as during.
It is though never straight forward. It seems every time I start getting somewhere something outwith anxiety rears to put me on hold and inevitably leads to starting over because if I don't walk for a spell then its harder getting out after. In the past its been numerous things like severe constipation in which the pain was so bad I had to call the GP out- the last time I saw him in person. Also after that I got a chest infection. And this is what is worrying me at the moment as I have all the signs of another chest infection. I could well do without it.
Little victories though from this increase in walks and confidence. I have been into the supermarket a few times for a browse but not built up enough confidence to buy anything- which will please my wife as the last time I did she was getting worried that I spent money every time I went for a walk. I have also returned to places I have not been for a long time. Even went into Greggs and bought myself lunch the other day- didn't tell my wife.
So all mostly good for a change and trying to keep my mind above all the bad things happening and the fears of other things happening. If the walks keep going the way they have been going then I think it will be a big improvement. I have not however been working on the anxiety which I really must do. It seems the spell of putting it from my mind has really helped for a bit of respite but on the couple of ocassions I have had panic it has hit me hard because I have not been doing the work.
For now though I have some things to hold on to and some hope to build on. I also have a few experiments in mind but they involve the car and at the moment its off the road again- on its last legs actually and an endless financial drain of resources. The reason I need the car is to seperate anxiety from fatigue and concentrate on the former. If I go somewhere far enough in the car I will panic but its different from the walks because with the walks its 100% about whether I can physically make it back home- anxiety based on he fatigue. Not so with the car. No fatigue sitting in a car. So I need to go somewhere in the car and far enough that I will panic and try to work out what the hell is going on. This is why I need to return to the anxiety work so that when the car is back on the road I am prepared.
Plans in motion anyway.
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