Ready for work

Yesterday morning my long wait for a response from ATOS came to an end. What I was expecting was a bulky letter from Medical Services, or whatever they call themselves these days, containing a summons to a medical and directions on how to get there- usually 10 miles away in Glasgow city centre. That though is not what I got. Instead I got a letter from the DWP in the morning which remained unopened until night time such was my desire to keep the dread away from the day.

It would appear the DWP in their wisdom have recieved my form and decided not only am I eligible for work but I don't even need to be assessed to prove it. No. Despite stating I am agoraphobic and that as a result I cannot travel they have decided I am perfectly capable for work and have put me in a work activity group. What is that? Beats me. Something to do with going somewhere for group interviews somewhere. Something I cannot do. And with the line that failure to attend will result in my benefits being stopped. Thanks.

As I have said in the past I have no problem with the notion of getting people back to work rather than leaving them stagnating. I would certainly prefer that and if they could do that then great but that is not what they plan to do. They only plan to get me off benefits and on to the dole queue. There is no help being offered with my anxiety problems which I would suggest is the first port of call: get a professional to assess and treat and get ready for going back to work into these activity groups first and foremost. No instead its a case of come to the summons or we stop your money- even though I have told them I cannot go.

So what are the choices then? Don't go, money is stopped and we are financially in real trouble as we live on the breadline as it is and cannot do without that money. The other choice is go. I have not been out of this town in over a year. I would be in panic just leaving. If by some chance I could muster the will power to get there I doubt I would have enough left to leave the car never mind get out, go into the place, wait, take part in activities and then come home. Were I able to do all that I would be a wreck and what that would do is totally fuck me up as it has in the past and I would be back to being stuck indoors unable to leave the house having a horrible time every waking second. What would you choose?

It seems I am buggered either way unless I appeal so I guess that is what I am going to have to do. Its really difficult for me to get to grips with though because basically what I am doing is begging to stay on benefits when I not only hate being on benefits but hate the idea of it. I would rather be out working and if I could go to a group thing in another town then surely I would be better going and getting a job at the local supermarket- which I would have no trouble with. But when I can only just get to that supermarket now and stay in it from 5 to 10 mins before having to leave how would I be able to keep down a full time job. Even if I was offered 30 minutes a day to break me in I think that would be too much.

I don't like it. I don't like being like this. This weakness tears me apart because it is not who I have been all my life and its like some sick joker has taken everything I am and reversed all my strengths as some punishment for a sin I cannot recall. Sick joke. Every waking moment being mocked and feebly unable to fight back try as I might.

But I am ready to fight for one reason only and put all that pride to one side- what little remains of it. I have worked hard this year to make progress, have made progress and am still working hard to the point where I am constantly fatigued but still managing to push myself out the door and stay out for as long as I can. And I will not have that all undermined by these bastards. I won't. So fuck them. If they want a fight they have got one and whatever the outcome its just a shame that its more tax payers money wasted in the process and I might not be contributing to that at the moment but I have done plenty in the many years before.

Let me though explain something about my agoraphobia which may not be clear to anyone who has experienced this and indeed for some who have. Its not just panic I have to deal with its fatigue. And these to things feed off each other. Its like a cycle. Panic causes fatigue and fatigue causes panic and so on. So if I go somewhere and start to panic then I try to deal with that with the CBT skills I have learned and on that point I am having more success without mastering it. But even if I manage to get through a panic attack it leaves me so fatigued that the worry just kicks off again and snowballs into panic which in turn makes me even more fatigued. That is why even going by car I struggle. If I had to go to the doctors for example I would be shattered walking there to the point it would have me so anxious I could not sit and wait- I have tried it recently. But I also tried going by car which I post about a month ago. I was no less anxious and fatigued then. I didn't have to walk there but after a few minutes of being there with no pressure to stay and then walking home I was floored with fatigue.

So its not just about me internally throwing up my hands, screaming and running about in panic because I am too far away from the house. Last night for example I had to pick up my daughter and her club is so near I can still see home. But after waiting for a couple of minutes I had to lean against a lamppost for support as I was starting to sway and my legs were weak. That is what anxiety does. Everyone has felt it when they get a fright but if you get a big fright it is worse and so imagine having a big fright constantly and how you would feel with a constant terror in the back ground making you feel continually weak. So much so that no matter how much sleep you get you never feel refreshed and from a tired start the body is continually drained with fatigue the whole day long.

But the CBT is still the most important thing in my view. In order to stop this cycle I need to stop one of the two parts. I cannot stop the fatigue with the anxiety rages but if I stop the anxiety then I think that will in turn stop the fatigue. So it is the anxiety I am working hardest on with putting the CBT into practice and trying to be mindful. Even at that the fatigue has to be dealt with in the same way with acceptance or else more fatigue is added. So its building a new habit and it takes time and this is what I am doing and gaining strength little my little with each little new thing I do or distance I extend or staying out longer or whatever else. But these bastards have brought a massive dark cloud over my head which threatens to swamp all the good I have done when really if they left me to it I would be back to work quicker than with their interference because back to work is where I eventually want to be when I am ready to work which I am working hard on. I don't feel at the moment I am ready for work but these cretins who don't know me and have never assessed me and decided I am.