As soon as I said it I remembered and the memory sunk my confidence is one swift slap. Things have been going very well. So well that even my wife is impressed- which is something and very hard for her to admit. It led to us discussing it the other day but I will get to that in a moment.
The village I live in is a dump. A drab urban grey lifeless garbage filled soulless dreary poor-excuse-for-a-villag. Its a depressing place full of neds with either tracksuits or devil dogs or both. Full of angry people, ignorant people and all else in between. Not everyone of course. In fact the impression I am giving you would think I would be right at home. One thing it does have though is history. Its an old village. Home to Scotland's greatest explorer and coal mines and so much more. The past lies hidden in places waiting to be found. Pits, shafts, tunnels, carvings, springs, old ruined buildings and general things of interest which thanks to a few people who have found these things, researched them and posted about them online they are accessible for anyone with an interest. Things have been so well I not only have an interest but an appetite. A hunger to get out and find some of these things for myself with my photograph. They are places I could not have ventured previously and still not sure I can but things have been going so well I have been hopeful that I can. So I have been searching, finding and planning.
That leads me to the conversation with the wife. It was all positive and remained so but not in my head when I said: The great thing is I have been going all these places I could not go before and not panicking. That was when all the CBT came back to me. The warnings on exposure. You see the point of exposure is not to go out and hope not to panic and indeed if you do not feel some sort of high level of anxiety then its a complete waste of time. The point is to go to places where this is induced and try to use the learned skills to deal with the panic and therefore finally, gradually, get to as stage where the fear is lowered to the point of not caring. All this new exploring has not been doing that. For whatever reasons I have not been panicking. As soon as I thought that I knew what would happen next.
And it did. this morning on the school run and before it I had been thinking that I no longer fear the school run or have to warn my wife I may need to turn back or think I will have to turn back. Nearing the school that is exactly what happened. I was feeling dodgy all the way up unusually and then I said something to my wife which I cannot remember but was short. A few words. I had to rush the last word though as I felt I needed a large intake of breath. Even after I did I felt I was not getting any air. It felt like there was a vacuum in my lungs. Felt like I was suffocating. Panic. The overwhelming urge to leave. But I said nothing and pushed on. Jelly legs followed an unreality as the world seemed strange- felt actually like I was in a boat on high seas. I did though push to the school and back but I never calmed from that state. I should say briefly its hard to recall these things in the middle it of it but here is what actually happened. I was apprehensive and more so as I headed to the school and when I am like this I tense up and I have a tendancy to hold my breath without realising it. This is what lead to the breathlessness- holding my stomach tight- I am also blocked up. Then panic because I was telling myself I was suffocating. Jelly legs- the leg muscles go taut in preparation to fight or flee. Unreality- peripheral vision is narrowed to focus on percieved danger and the pupils widen allowing in more light which leads to the sense that the world is not quite as it seems. All explainable though at the time none of this came to mind.
I had stuck with it though and furthermore as we neared home and my wife asked me if I wanted to go to the cafe every fibre in my body was shaking its head but I said yes. More panic. Sitting at a table in the cafe with a cup of tea at the window looking out at the people going by. That urge to just get up and leave but I stuck with it. And here I was thinking: bloody typical! I was referring to the thought about not panicking previously and now panicking. I was linked in to the fear that all this "progress" could at any moment fall from beneath and send my tumbling back to where I was. Depressing actually and of course panic inducing.
It was only later that I saw it for what it was. These doubts are there precisely because I was not panicking before. As much as I would prefer not to panic I do actually have to panic if I am one day to overcome the fear of it which keeps it coming back and keeps me stuck. So in fact this is what I should be experiencing if I am to progress and staying with it and through it is exactly what I am supposed to be. In the end it did not hold me back and send me scuttling back home. From panic on the way to school it continued in waves back home and in the cafe. Finally though it eased off and I did not stop. I accompanied my wife into two different charity shops, ones I had never been in before, then into the supermarket from a long browse before finally taking a long route home. Over 2 miles in all and more importantly over an hour out- the longest I have been out on foot since this all started. And maybe even more importantly than that it was far from panic free but I let it be and stayed with it not letting it hold me back. Panic aside it was almost a normal morning.
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